Tag Archives: mail

Beer Review #86: Olde English “800”

28 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Beer Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

March Reader Mail

So who do you think is going to win the election? – Tamara C. from Boise

I really need to start posting more regularly…

What dinosaur is best? – Anonymous

Do birds count? Fried chicken.

What’s a nice beer for the Winter? – Dale from Albany

I really, really need to start posting more regularly. Try the Anchor Porter.

I’m going to college this coming Fall. Do you have any advice for incoming Freshman? – Reese from Culver City

Join a couple student groups, don’t be afraid to be turned down, get as much free food as possible, find a liquor that you enjoy, don’t schedule classes before nine, and be confident. Most of all, have fun.

What are you the worst at? – Anonymous

Answering the reader mail.

“Night Moves” is a song by the American singer-songwriter Bob Seger. It was the lead single from his ninth studio album, Night Moves (1976), released on Capitol Records. Seger wrote the song as a coming of age tale about adolescent love and adult memory of it. It was based on Seger’s own teenaged love affair he experienced in the early 1960s. It took him six months to write and was recorded quickly at Nimbus Nine Studios in Toronto, Ontario, with producer Jack Richardson. As much of Seger’s Silver Bullet Band had returned home by this point, the song was recorded with several local session musicians. – Helen W. from New York City

I don’t understand why someone sent me the Wikipedia article for the song Night Moves, but I’ll try to tackle this question.

Don’t go around digging up dead bodies, wearing them, and stalking prostitutes. They are people too. Just give them a twenty and they’ll probably do whatever. They’re people, but they’re also desperate.

Oh, and use a condom.

We have dishonored all of God’s creation

Appearance: Very carbonated with a pale straw color, slightly opaque body, and a white head that hangs around for a bit.

Smell: Just malt.

Taste: Very, very watery mouthfeel with an indescribably unpleasant taste. I legitimately can’t figure out how to describe this. It’s like if you mom was on the phone with your dad and asking why the child support check was late again and then she starts crying. Also, the aftertaste is awful and won’t go away.

Overall: This was an all around terrible experience. I can’t believe that the homeless man in front of the gas station didn’t have the discerning palate that he claimed to have. This is the last time I give any panhandlers any money unless they can recommend a fortified wine to pair with a microwave burrito or maybe offers to assassinate one of my enemies or something. I’ll give this a 12/100 and that’s only because it didn’t look entirely awful. I seriously hope that homeless man was frozen over the Winter.

Up Next: Schlitz, because there is no god.

Beer Review #82: Miller High Life

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by in Beer Review, Lists

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

August Reader Mail

What do you think of Donald Trump? – Steve from D.C.

He’s a demagogue that’s giving a voice to bigots. He want’s to pull out of our strategic alliances and use our nuclear arsenal as a first strike option; undoing several decades worth of work that’s kept the world more safe. He lacks any real substance or experience so he makes up for it by acting like a clown and attacking his opponents with personal insults. He can barely run his campaign and he’d have more money today if he’d just invested all that money his dad gave him into an unmanaged index fund.

All that being said, he’s provided me hours upon hours of entertainment so what’s not to like? Sure, I’m interacting with way more openly racist people than I was a year ago, but that’s a small price to pay for this orange carnival barker’s three ring circus.

What the hell is going on with these reviews? Did you just buy a bunch of shitty beer at a gas station? Are you going to review anything good? – Dave from Mississippi

I’ll answer all three questions in order: I’m punishing myself, yes, I hope so.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had some good lists. Got any in you? – Anonymous

We’re well into Anal August so let’s do the 2016 Summer Lists:

Presidential Candidates Spouses by Hotness

5- Bill Clinton
4- Kelley Paul
3- Karen Kasich
2- Jeanette Rubio
1- Melania Trump

Bugs

5- Butterfly
4- Spider
3- Mantis
2- Bee
1- Firefly

Non-Chicken Eggs

5- Spider
4- Human
3- Goose
2- Sturgeon
1- Duck

Chipotle Proteins

5- Steak
4- Chicken
3- Sofritas
2- Barbacoa
1- Carnitas

Things To Yell Right Before Orgasm

5- “Bazinga!”
4- “Team Rocket’s Blasting Off Again!”
3- “Who’s Your Grandpa?!”
2- “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT MY FACE!”
1- “Feel the Bern!”

People ask you for dating advice all the time, how’s your love life going? – [REDACTED] from [REDACTED]

Mom, you’ve already got a couple grand kids. If this is tied into how your will pays out then I might go hose some women down, but until then I’m using my horrible personality and awful face as my primary form of birth control.

If you’re actually just interested, I’ve had one decently long relationship this year. She and I had a lot in common: fear of someone driving a steamroller over you and your skeleton popping out of your mouth, gin, that feeling you get when you look to the west, children experiencing disappointment publicly, bawdy limericks, and seeing her naked.

It all ended the same way it began: The 1996 Shaquille O’Neal film ‘Kazaam’.

Well that was as awful as usual. Remember to add us on Facebook and Twitter if you want to bother someone. I promise to not insult you if you’re the right race.

Yep, that's it alright.

Yep, that’s it alright.

Appearance: Energetic and crystal clear. A decent white head builds up, but only leaves a thin floating island of foam floating in the top of my glass. It’s has the unnatural almost neon yellow color of most American light beer. Fairly large bubbles fill up the sides of the glass.

Smell: A poorly insulated attic a day after light rain. Burnt hair.

Taste: A pretty decent medium-bodied beer with a fair bit of astringency. The flavor is flat and one-note: just charred malt. There’s absolutely nothing else.

Overall: This was significantly worse than I assumed it would be. At least the other terrible light beers had a bit of flavor and didn’t smell so bad. This looked fine enough, but I like a girl with personality. 31/100.

Up Next: Something bad!

Beer Review #81: Rolling Rock

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Beer Review, Reader Mail

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

July Reader Mail

Do you think Sanders still has a shot at the Democratic nomination? – Lyle, Huber Heights

I seriously need to answer these e-mails in a more timely fashion.

How old is too old to be getting into fist fights? – Anonymous

I think this all really depends on context. If you’re on the beach building a sandcastle for your best gal and some street tough kicks it over and takes your girl then you’re morally obligated to spend months working out so that you can challenge him to a fight and win back your woman because for some reason in these scenarios women are property.

Stop getting in fights. It’s dumb. Have a couple drinks and talk it out. Then poison the other guy.

How do you feel about Hamilton? – John, for Cincinnati.

Anyone that doesn’t like it is a racist or descendant of Aaron Burr.

Ur gay – [expletive deleted], from [expletive deleted]

no u.

I’m starting college this fall and I’m really nervous about it. Any tips? – Harrison, from Dayton

If you’re living in dorms make sure to befriend the RA. They’ll be less likely to fuck with you. Also try to identify all the cool people on your floor and try to hang out with them. Join a couple clubs and hang out with those people too. Just be as social as you can because you’re gonna have less time for it in later years.

Don’t take too many classes and don’t take any of your classes too seriously. Remember that the world isn’t over if you fail a test. Go to a professor’s office hours twice and they will remember you for some time after the class is over. Every week, try to ask at least two questions in your various classes.

Watch what you eat and don’t party too hard too early. Learn the rules to beer pong. Ease into it. Play safe. Have fun.

As always, check out the Facebook and Twitter pages and share them with your friends of I swear to god I will pull this car over.

Ughhhh

Ughhhh

Appearance: This is the most carbonated beer I’ve ever seen. Giant bubbles for a seemingly never ending stream of carbon dioxide pushing up towards the surface. A enormous, pure-white head is born from this and it keeps for much longer than you’d expect for this sort of beer. It has that unfortunate urine-of-a-dehydrated-person yellow that is the standard for an American pale lager, but if that’s the ideal I suppose it’s fine.

Smell: Moldy breakfast cereal. This is why we don’t buy beer in clear or green bottles. The aroma is totally one note and it’s a pretty sour one at that.

Taste: Unpleasant. The body is weak and watery; something that does a great disservice to those gorgeous bubbles. A little thicker and this could be a perfectly crisp beer, a standard by which others could measure themselves.

It tastes like the smell of a book you accidentally spilled water on and now you’ve taken to airing it out with a hair dryer. Fortunately there’s no aftertaste and the body is thin enough to keep it from lingering on the tongue. This is one of the most boring tasting beers I’ve ever had. It has flavor, but that flavor is solely that of weak malt covered up by decay.

Overall: I’m still mesmerized by the bubbles. They may get a bit weaker as time goes on, but even then it seems more active than half of the other beers out there. If this was a beauty contest, this beer would win the pale lager category. Unfortunately, beer is for drinking and I never want to drink this again. 36/100

Up Next: Expect a bunch of terrible beers from the nearby gas station!

Soda Shaq Review #1: Strawberry Cream Soda

22 Sunday May 2016

Posted by in Beer Review, Humor, Reader Mail

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

May Reader Mail

This election sure has been something, hasn’t it? – Phil from Riverside

No. Who talks like this? I’m not some person you ran into in the break room and now you need to think of some small talk or else you start breathing and blinking manually. Don’t do this. You’re better than this Phil. I believe in you. Phil 2016!

Any idea who you’re voting for? – Melissa from Akron

Do you not keep up with the website? I just said Phil 2016.

I’m having trouble losing weight and Summer is almost here. I don’t want to do that thing where I wear a T-shirt in the pool. Any advice? – Jamie from Memphis

Okay, well this could go several ways. If you’re a dude, you should probably just own it. I don’t think anyone cares anymore. Otherwise, I advise bulimia.

If you’re a woman, my advice is exactly the same because I believe that we’re all equal.

How much do you make from this website? – Anonymous

About -$30 a year. The whole plan was to trick beer fests into giving me press passes, but that hasn’t panned out. Time to fill this thing with ads and to start selling cheaply made merchandise.

I recently started flossing a lot more often. At first there was a lot of blood, but after a few months everything usually comes out pretty clear. My mouth feels cleaner and it’s not that much extra work everyday. How do I make women feel safe around me? – Brad from Columbus

Stop talking about your teeth you god damn serial killer. If you’re really that desperate to lure a woman into your murder dungeon just put an ad on craigslist for free furniture of something. They’ll come and then you can take their teeth or whatever it is you do. Keep us updated.

If you have questions just find us on Twitter and Facebook. Like and follow and find true loves kiss! You can also e-mail, but make sure you mention something about increasing the size of my erection in the subject line. Otherwise it might go to spam.

DSCN0405

The hills are alive with the sound of backboards being shattered.

Appearance: Boxed white zinfandel that’s been allowed to slowly congeal over time. Like if you cut off a troll’s head and collected its blood in a vial in order to complete a quest.

Smell: The medicine you hated most as a child. It makes me think about all the bad things that have ever happened.

Taste: Upon first sip I suddenly remembered where I was on 9/11. Not 2001, though. 2010 was way worse for me on a personal level. It’s when I learned about the other 9/11.

This just tastes like cotton candy and shortcake. On the mouth it feels like when you know the dentist is done with the procedure, but it taking their time before they let you rinse your mouth out.

Overall: Why does this product exist? I am, however, slowly becoming addicted. I think this is what it feels like to get into heroin. I get that now. 1/100.

Up Next: Heroin!

Beer Review #78: Icehouse

21 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by in Beer Review, Reader Mail

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

August Reader Mail

What do you think about women nursing in public? – Donna from Butte

100% support. Not only do we get a display of public nudity, but we get to see all of the reactions of people trying not to stare. I just wish those babies would learn to share.

I’m looking to get into juggling or yo-yo tricks soon, but I’m worried that people will think I’m weird if I spend a lot of time doing those things. Do I just need more self-esteem or is this a bad idea? – Clark from Huntsville

Go to a bar and make friends the normal way.

Why do these kids wear their pants so low? – Mary

I dunno. Rap music? Lack of belts? Barack Obama secretly orchestrated it as a means of further dividing the races in part of his plans to ruin America? Those are all equally plausible.

What can I do to spruce up my online dating profile? Melissa from Beaver Creek

Be attractive.

Why aren’t you posting anything? – Nate from Washington D.C.

I’ve been working on a lot of new TV show pitches. Here are some of my ideas. Feedback is appreciated:

Fingering Kids: Profiles of Candy Thieves – A show about catching kids that steal candy at the check out lines of grocery stores. It’s like To Catch a Predator, but not at all.

Which Way Do They Wipe – A dating show that tries to pair people together by which way they wipe.

Celebrity Face Swap – We use Face/Off technology to let Steve Buscemi and Channing Tatum spend a week in one another’s shoes. Each episode ends with a boat chase and fight to the death.

Mike Tyson Reads Young Adult Novels – Exactly what it sounds like. Accompanied by still pictures of scenes from the books drawn by severely autistic teens.

Face Swap – A way more boring version of Celebrity Face Swap.

Well that mail was just as awful as usual. Please, for the love of whichever god you foolishly throw money at, send me some better e-mail. The address is SpamIgnore@Boozeandwhatever.cum. There’s also fun stuff on the Facebook page (Like Who Would Win Tuesdays (We’re legally prohibited from using Wednesday))and Twitter feed (parentheses) so get down on it. Here’s the review…

IcehouseAppearance: Perfectly clear, obscured only by a stream of thick bubbles that seem to have an inexhaustible source. A lightly-hued goldenrod beer with a surprisingly long-lasting, medium head. It’s not pretty, but it looks pretty good for what it is.

Smell: One-note; a weak, wet grain. If you’ve ever been on a farm waiting for hay to dry before you can bale it, this is the smell the morning after an unexpected light rain.

Taste: Not good, but unoffensive. It has a light to medium body, tastes only of a lightly kilned malt, and other than a slightly unpleasant aftertaste of a better beer that’s been left to sit out for too long, there’s not much else going on here.

Overall: I expected this to be much worse than it was. That said, this was pretty bad and I’m upset that I have to finish this. 41/100. This was strange beer.

Up Next: Something Gimmicky!

Beer Review #76: Flying Dog Pale Ale

30 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by in Beer Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

APRIL READER MAIL

What should I drink while I clean around the house? – Meg from Circleville

Cleaning products.

My dog has been having a lot of nightmares. This has been tearing my family apart. The kids are crying, my wife is packing a bag, and I’m just looking at our bank statements and I can’t get these numbers to work. Please help. – Josh from Agoura Hills

I got this e-mail like seven months ago. Let’s just assume this guy is dead and move on.

Better song: Do A Little Dance -or- Play That Funky Music? – George from Chicago

That’s a good question. In fact, it may be the first good question ever asked. I have to go with Play That Funky Music because everyone goes crazy during that chorus.

Penis pumps? – Laura from Canal Winchester

Yes.

Well that was as awful as it usually is. Share the Facebook and Twitter pages with your friends. Let’s boost this signal. Send e-mail questions too or next month is just answers to beer recommendations. I hate beer. Here’s a beer review.

Flying Dog Pale Ale

Flying Dog Pale Ale

Appearance: I’m seriously considering forcing my girlfriend to go through the teleporter from “The Fly” while holding a glass of this so that I can have daily relations with this. In hindsight though, my girlfriend won’t let me near her so that may not be the best description.

It’s got the golden hue of unfiltered honey, very low carbonation, a dreamy haziness, and a sticky off-white head that leaves it’s mark once you’ve finished off your glass.

Smell: It’s bright and fresh. Big hops up front, unharvested grain, and tropical fruit

Taste: Not as exciting as I’d hoped. It’s got a watery feel and not much of any taste aside from hops, but even that taste isn’t very pronounced. There’s really no finesse here. It’s not bad, but I expected a lot more punch from a pale ale.

Overall: This one fooled me and now I’m mad. 68/100. I’ll concede that the graphic design on the bottle is awesome and this was fun to look at, but taste is where my bread is buttered.

Don’t forget to “like” and “share” with your friends. This review, not this beer.

Up Next: Dessert

Beer Review #73: Blue Moon

08 Sunday Feb 2015

Posted by in Beer Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

February Reader Mail

How do you feel about cider? I think a warm cider is nice on a cold day. Even a nice crisp cider in the Summer feels great. – Martha from Boston

Fuck off you old bag of bones. Martha? No one is named Martha.

Any predictions for the Superbowl? – Anonymous

Sure. 28-24 Pats. (I really need to start answering the questions as I get them.)

You’re just some fat, single, loser that spends all his time drinking instead of being productive. Your site is a joke and highly offensive. – Ginger from Ontario

Okay, well there’s a lot going on here.

First, I’m not fat. I’m at the forefront of bringing bulimia back in style with my “Bulimia: It’s Not Just For Women” ad campaign so I’d appreciate a little bit of recognition for all that hard work.

bulimia

Second, sure I’m single, but I’m working on it. I’ve met a couple girls through OKCupid recently. Admittedly it hasn’t gone great, but at least I’m working on it. My last date ended with me telling the girl I wasn’t interested in meeting again, her screaming at me that my life is just going to be one big sausage party if I don’t accept “women of size,” and me screaming back that every day of her life is a sausage party.

Lastly, I was the recipient of over thirteen hugs from my mom over the course of the last decade and if that’s not winning then I don’t know what is.

How do you know the name and location of the people that send e-mails? – Ben from Chicago

Well now you know.

Cut your electric bill by up to 80% with solar panels! – Home Solar Savings

I live on the moon and the moon is only out at night you idiots. Why don’t you push your wares on Tatooine or something?

As always, Check out the Facebook and Twitter pages for updates. Send e-mail too. It gets lonely out in space.

Blue Moon

Blue Moon

Appearance: What is it about an unfiltered beer that just seems so right? I feel like we’re seeing what nature intended; something that hasn’t been overly disturbed by man, that stands as a testament to the beauty of the brewing process.

It has a citrusy hue, tangerine, but there’s an otherworldly glow caused by being unfiltered. The head pours white and vanishes before I can snap a photo. It feels a bit dead inside, the occasional tiny bubble losing its grasp on the side of my glass.

Smell: Fresh grain and the smell of a dewy lawn just as the first light of the sun begins to warm it up. Tropical fruit.

Taste: A surprisingly thin body and even more surprising crispness. The grain comes through nicely, but everything else is flat. It’s not particularly sweet, or bitter, or spicy, or herby.

Overall: This is a mass produced beer that wasn’t given much love. Instead it got some cheap plastic surgery and a Wonder-bra, superficial aesthetics instead of any real substance. This could be enjoyed by someone dipping their toe into the waters of wheat beers, but there are so many better options out there that I’d never consider buying this. 52/100.

Up Next: Enjoy By…

Beer Review #71: Hoegaarden

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Beer Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

September Reader Mail

Any ideas for the grill? – Bo from Virginia

Get good at making burgers. A proper burger will make you King of Summer. I go with 80/20 chuck and mix in salt, pepper, cayenne, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and a bit of sage. Try not to over mix. Brushing on a thin layer of barbecue sauce during the cooking can help set you apart too.

Get creative with your burger toppings. Lettuce, tomato, and onion are fine, but really get out there. A personal favorite it the fry burger. Make crispy shoestring fries and put an even layer on top of the burger. Cover it with a Russian dressing consisting of 2 parts ketchup, one part mayo, a good bit of relish, and a few cracks of fresh ground pepper.

What sort of readership do you have? What are the monthly pageviews? – Ed from California

My mom told her co-workers about the site so I guess you could say we’ve made the big leagues.

What happened to Trolling Craigslist? – Pete

I’ve been shadowbanned on that website and I don’t like using Tor because it always leads to me getting quotes on assassinations and sending heroin to my enemies. I’ll try to do one this week. I don’t think anyone uses Craigslist anymore though. Maybe we upgrade to OK Cupid.

Can I do wine reviews on your website? – Danielle from Michigan

Suck an egg.

If you have a question find us on Facebook, Twitter, or just send an e-mail. Sure I only check the e-mail once every three months, but I’m a single mother living inside the body of a childless, 20-something man. Oh, and I made a subreddit just because I could and I didn’t want one of you creeps creating it an lording it over me. It’s /r/BoozeAndOtherNonsense. Go vandalize it.

Hoegaarden Belgian Wheat

Hoegaarden Belgian Wheat

Appearance: Like a dream. This is slightly unfair, but I’m drinking this outside and the sun catches in the bottom of my glass in such a way that it sends mesmerizing rays of light up through the cloudy blur that makes up the body of this beer. A modest white head crowns a deep goldenrod that fades to the color of lemon juice as you scan your eyes from the top to bottom. That gradient is shocking.

Smell: I expect fruit up front, and there is definitely a bit of citrus and banana, but the first thing that hits the nose is spice; fresh cracked pepper and cloves. Delicate wheat and some yeast finish it out.

Taste: That spice comes through in a big way. Cloves, pepper, and lemon are the prominent tastes, followed up with malted wheat and other fruit.

It has a satisfying, creamy medium-body that benefits from the steady carbonation; creating a crisp feel that also allows that spice to hold on to the tongue for the perfect amount of time.

Overall: I feel like I undersold the head on this one because it’s amazing. It keeps at just about a quarter of an inch for the entire session, lasting and lasting and lacing the glass in a way that other beers should aspire to. It’s a little misty cloud on top of what has to be the nectar Dionysus himself insisted upon. 91/100. That spiciness cannot be overstated. It rounds this beer out so very well. A treat on a perfect Summer day.

Up Next: Resignation KCCO Black Lager

Beer Review #70: Sierra Nevada Narwhal Imperial Stout

02 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by in Beer Review

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , ,

August Reader Mail

Could you rank the best Halloween candies? – June from Ohio

No, but here are the worst:

5. Anything from Asia
4. Nerds
3. Candy Corn
2. Smarties
1. Almond Joy/Mounds

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? – Anonymous

I hope someone digs your grandma’s corpse up and puts it in your bathtub.

What TV shows do you like right now? – Bill from D.C.

I tape myself showering and watch the highlights during primetime hours. Summer TV is awful.

What kind of beer would you recommend for a guy that doesn’t want to seem like a hipster, wants to drink on the cheap, and wants to avoid the major breweries? – Alex from Pennsylvania

Well if you’re in Pennsylvania you should have easy access to Yeungling. I take it that you want to get away from that though, so I’ll say go for a nice wheat beer. It’s Summer and few things are more refreshing. You can find Hoegaarden pretty much anywhere. Go with that. (I need to review that.)

If you have a question find us on Facebook, Twitter, or just send an e-mail. It will probably be ignored, but at least you tried. Play your cards right and we can exchange nudes!

Narwhal Imperial Stout

Narwhal Imperial Stout

Appearance: What’s most striking about this beer is that it’s jet black and stagnant. This combination of factors, when combined with my clean glass, cause it to be extremely reflective. Not only can light not penetrate it, it’s repelled. The head is rich, colored like Honey Nut Cheerios, and laces in a nearly unbelievable way.

I’ve also noticed that it is incredibly sticky. I managed to shear off the top of the bottle when I cracked this one open and now everything that I touch is sticking to me.

Smell: Nuanced. The expected chocolate is just sweet enough to not offend the nose. The signature hoppiness of Sierra Nevada cuts though and blends with the sweet chocolate to make you feel like your walking through a field of barely just ready for harvest. I also get something reminiscent of prunes.

Taste: Given how sticky it is, the body is surprisingly not as thick as I expected. Medium mouthfeel with almost no carbonation.

The hops are right in your face with this stout. A certain café con leche sweetness coats the tongue throughout the drinking experience, but everything give way to fresh fragrant hops. It finishes pretty clean, but does leave a stinging bitterness. It’d be nice if some of that prune aroma came though.

Overall: This was fun, but it felt off. It seemed like this beer wanted to be too much. It’s certainly not bad, but this is not what I’d want out of an imperial stout. 78/100 is the best that I can do. Something didn’t work.

Up Next: Some sort of wheat beer.

Beer Review #69: Stone Espresso Imperial Russian Stout

08 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Beer Review

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , ,

July Reader Mail

Who’s the most famous person that you’ve ever met? – Clark from Ohio

The cat puppet from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Not the puppeteer, just the puppet.

I’m having a lot of trouble getting girls to go home with me. Any good closing lines? – Steve from New York

No. You shouldn’t be using any lines. Tell them that it’s time to go back to your place or else.

My boyfriend won’t have sex with me when I’m having my period. Thoughts? – Jill from “I’m not telling you where I live”

You’re having too many periods. Stop it.

Like always, check out Facebook and Twitter for extra content and feel free to send an e-mail if you want to ask a question for next month’s mail dump. Here’s the review. Don’t drink stouts on hot Summer days.

Stone Espresso Imperial Russian Stout

Stone Espresso Imperial Russian Stout

Appearance: This is easily the darkest, most opaque beer that I’ve ever encountered. I put a flashlight behind it and not a single photon made it through this slick, oily stout. The head is a deep brown reminiscent of a sandy beach on the eastern U.S. coast. That head is thick and unforgiving. This beer looks like it wants to hurt you.

Smell: Lots and lots of coffee; like working the line at Waffle House when the only customers are edgy teens that won’t order food. A good vapor of alcohol fills the air as soon as the beer begins to pour. Sweetness.

Taste: This is a thick beer. You could chew it if you really wanted to. There’s a surprisingly high level of carbonation too.

It tastes of bitter dark roasted coffee, sweet malt, and finishes with a grating alcohol taste that really forces its way around your mouth. It’s certainly sweeter than I’d expect a Stone product to be and the taste really sticks with you for quite some time.

Overall: I just noticed that this beer is 11%. I am feeling each and every part of that. This is a beer for a man that has no obligations the next day. This is a beer that you’d drink if you wanted the world to know that you don’t give a fuck. I love stouts, they are my lifeblood, but, while this looks great, I can’t forgive that offensive alcohol presence that invades this experience. 81/100.

Up Next: Sierra Nevada Narwhal Imperial Stout