Tag Archives: High Life

Beer Review #82: Miller High Life

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by in Beer Review, Lists

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August Reader Mail

What do you think of Donald Trump? – Steve from D.C.

He’s a demagogue that’s giving a voice to bigots. He want’s to pull out of our strategic alliances and use our nuclear arsenal as a first strike option; undoing several decades worth of work that’s kept the world more safe. He lacks any real substance or experience so he makes up for it by acting like a clown and attacking his opponents with personal insults. He can barely run his campaign and he’d have more money today if he’d just invested all that money his dad gave him into an unmanaged index fund.

All that being said, he’s provided me hours upon hours of entertainment so what’s not to like? Sure, I’m interacting with way more openly racist people than I was a year ago, but that’s a small price to pay for this orange carnival barker’s three ring circus.

What the hell is going on with these reviews? Did you just buy a bunch of shitty beer at a gas station? Are you going to review anything good? – Dave from Mississippi

I’ll answer all three questions in order: I’m punishing myself, yes, I hope so.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had some good lists. Got any in you? – Anonymous

We’re well into Anal August so let’s do the 2016 Summer Lists:

Presidential Candidates Spouses by Hotness

5- Bill Clinton
4- Kelley Paul
3- Karen Kasich
2- Jeanette Rubio
1- Melania Trump

Bugs

5- Butterfly
4- Spider
3- Mantis
2- Bee
1- Firefly

Non-Chicken Eggs

5- Spider
4- Human
3- Goose
2- Sturgeon
1- Duck

Chipotle Proteins

5- Steak
4- Chicken
3- Sofritas
2- Barbacoa
1- Carnitas

Things To Yell Right Before Orgasm

5- “Bazinga!”
4- “Team Rocket’s Blasting Off Again!”
3- “Who’s Your Grandpa?!”
2- “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT MY FACE!”
1- “Feel the Bern!”

People ask you for dating advice all the time, how’s your love life going? – [REDACTED] from [REDACTED]

Mom, you’ve already got a couple grand kids. If this is tied into how your will pays out then I might go hose some women down, but until then I’m using my horrible personality and awful face as my primary form of birth control.

If you’re actually just interested, I’ve had one decently long relationship this year. She and I had a lot in common: fear of someone driving a steamroller over you and your skeleton popping out of your mouth, gin, that feeling you get when you look to the west, children experiencing disappointment publicly, bawdy limericks, and seeing her naked.

It all ended the same way it began: The 1996 Shaquille O’Neal film ‘Kazaam’.

Well that was as awful as usual. Remember to add us on Facebook and Twitter if you want to bother someone. I promise to not insult you if you’re the right race.

Yep, that's it alright.

Yep, that’s it alright.

Appearance: Energetic and crystal clear. A decent white head builds up, but only leaves a thin floating island of foam floating in the top of my glass. It’s has the unnatural almost neon yellow color of most American light beer. Fairly large bubbles fill up the sides of the glass.

Smell: A poorly insulated attic a day after light rain. Burnt hair.

Taste: A pretty decent medium-bodied beer with a fair bit of astringency. The flavor is flat and one-note: just charred malt. There’s absolutely nothing else.

Overall: This was significantly worse than I assumed it would be. At least the other terrible light beers had a bit of flavor and didn’t smell so bad. This looked fine enough, but I like a girl with personality. 31/100.

Up Next: Something bad!

Beer Review #81: Rolling Rock

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Beer Review, Reader Mail

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July Reader Mail

Do you think Sanders still has a shot at the Democratic nomination? – Lyle, Huber Heights

I seriously need to answer these e-mails in a more timely fashion.

How old is too old to be getting into fist fights? – Anonymous

I think this all really depends on context. If you’re on the beach building a sandcastle for your best gal and some street tough kicks it over and takes your girl then you’re morally obligated to spend months working out so that you can challenge him to a fight and win back your woman because for some reason in these scenarios women are property.

Stop getting in fights. It’s dumb. Have a couple drinks and talk it out. Then poison the other guy.

How do you feel about Hamilton? – John, for Cincinnati.

Anyone that doesn’t like it is a racist or descendant of Aaron Burr.

Ur gay – [expletive deleted], from [expletive deleted]

no u.

I’m starting college this fall and I’m really nervous about it. Any tips? – Harrison, from Dayton

If you’re living in dorms make sure to befriend the RA. They’ll be less likely to fuck with you. Also try to identify all the cool people on your floor and try to hang out with them. Join a couple clubs and hang out with those people too. Just be as social as you can because you’re gonna have less time for it in later years.

Don’t take too many classes and don’t take any of your classes too seriously. Remember that the world isn’t over if you fail a test. Go to a professor’s office hours twice and they will remember you for some time after the class is over. Every week, try to ask at least two questions in your various classes.

Watch what you eat and don’t party too hard too early. Learn the rules to beer pong. Ease into it. Play safe. Have fun.

As always, check out the Facebook and Twitter pages and share them with your friends of I swear to god I will pull this car over.

Ughhhh

Ughhhh

Appearance: This is the most carbonated beer I’ve ever seen. Giant bubbles for a seemingly never ending stream of carbon dioxide pushing up towards the surface. A enormous, pure-white head is born from this and it keeps for much longer than you’d expect for this sort of beer. It has that unfortunate urine-of-a-dehydrated-person yellow that is the standard for an American pale lager, but if that’s the ideal I suppose it’s fine.

Smell: Moldy breakfast cereal. This is why we don’t buy beer in clear or green bottles. The aroma is totally one note and it’s a pretty sour one at that.

Taste: Unpleasant. The body is weak and watery; something that does a great disservice to those gorgeous bubbles. A little thicker and this could be a perfectly crisp beer, a standard by which others could measure themselves.

It tastes like the smell of a book you accidentally spilled water on and now you’ve taken to airing it out with a hair dryer. Fortunately there’s no aftertaste and the body is thin enough to keep it from lingering on the tongue. This is one of the most boring tasting beers I’ve ever had. It has flavor, but that flavor is solely that of weak malt covered up by decay.

Overall: I’m still mesmerized by the bubbles. They may get a bit weaker as time goes on, but even then it seems more active than half of the other beers out there. If this was a beauty contest, this beer would win the pale lager category. Unfortunately, beer is for drinking and I never want to drink this again. 36/100

Up Next: Expect a bunch of terrible beers from the nearby gas station!