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Tag Archives: Dogs

Air Bud: World Pup

27 Saturday Jan 2018

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Air Bud, Dogs, Movies

Happy New Year you schmucks! Welcome back to Fernfield: Where Everything is Possible. I realize that I have been saying anything instead of everything, and for that I apologize.

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Freemason sign in the background, Buddy is Illuminati confirmed

The mom is getting married to the vet from the second movie, except the actor has been replaced. I think it is weird that the mom, the two kids, and the close friends of the kids, all stay the same…but the father gets replaced. Maybe it was a haunted set.

While at the altar Josh realized he forgot the ring, so he sends air bud to fetch the ring from the house. The dog needs to recognize the concepts of the ring and the dresser while also realizing the ring is in the ring box. Air Bud works a lift genie, which he hadn’t before, and takes it up to get to the window (which was open even though no one was home except a painter for some reason). On the way back to the church, Air Bud spots a foxy lady golden retrieve, giving me some ideas for that air bud porn I mentioned in the last review.

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Ha, dog eating people food

The priest says “By the power invested in me” rather than vested, which indicates to me that this movie is for the dogs. So far the villain seems to be a dog catcher, which we can all agree is a major step back from a clown and Russians.

The dog catcher spots the lady dog, whose collar was accidentally removed in the woods. He also, through his binoculures saw Air Bud surrounded by kids and ground his teeth while saying “ooooh, two golden retrievers”. However, do dog catchers actually just take people’s dogs? Air Bud is clearly someone’s dog, he is wearing a tuxedo for Dog’s sake! But I don’t know. Today’s fan question for my dog catcher readers out there, do you just steal dogs and sell them for parts?

There is a new soccer coach in town for the middle school, of course she is from England. What is this, The Big Green? And of course there is the mandatory “what i thought you said football” joke because we call it soccer. Anyway, the younger sister, Andrea, is playing soccer on the middle school team. Does this mean she is the main character in this movie? No, it does not.

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She always calls her father “daddy”

Back to the talent, Josh stares at the coach throughout the practice, which she notices and seems to enjoy. An awkward love ballad plays in the background. Josh’s sister is the best wingman and introduced Josh to the coach Emma, who also happens to be going to the High School. The next day Josh and his dweeby friend from the first two movies decide to join the soccer team to woo the British girl. Twice now these kids play a new sport because that kid wants to score. Also the dumbass wears football pads to soccer practice because he is a fool.

One kid on the soccer team trashes Josh for joining because the team is full and they don’t let basketball players play? Did this dumbass forget that Josh was also the QB? Clearly. But Josh is bad at soccer because he has never played. Now to start a weird 5 on 5 soccer montage where Emma outclasses everyone. #GirlPower

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Who doesn’t think this dog can play soccer?

Now is time to test out the goalkeeper. One kid steps in goal and says “I dare any body, even that mutt, to get the ball past me” to which one kid in the movie read my mind by remarking, “What is he talking about? Doesn’t he realize that is Air Bud!?”. Another kid says “A dog can’t play soccer!”, as though basketball and football are easier for a dog? Of course Air Bud makes the shot. The lady dog  watches and cheers. Keep in mind, throughout the process they’ve been 1 man short. However, when asked whether Air Bud can make the team, the coach says YES! By this time every damn sporting federation has changed their rules to include an anti-dog provision. If not after the basketball fiasco, then football certainly did it.

Also the lady dog is Emma’s dog! On second watch this is actually revealed earlier, though I didn’t notice. Moving on…

Game 1. The refs are bafoons like in the last movie, as one takes the quarter from the opening toss while the other is so out of shape he can’t keep up with the play. This match might as well have no refs, they don’t know what they are doing. These are the same refs as Golden Receiver, and one of them is the a ref in the OG Air Bud: Ball is Life.

Anyway, Air Bud gets an assist before the end of the game to make it 3-1. However, their attack was so abysmal that the coach is having them do a practice after the game in order to learn how to pass better.

Emma is having a party. The dweeby kid, who apparently didn’t end up wooing that girl from the second movie, is going to wear something distinctly english in order to attract Emma. The sister and her friend follow Buddy that night all decked out in spy stuff. They even have code names, Kibbles and Bits. HA. But they follow Air Bud to Emma’s house, where Josh is going anyway. So I bet something fun is going to happen.

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Very British

Emma’s father is looking for a new butler. One of the dog catchers has decided to impersonate a butler to get on the inside, which the guy hired right on the spot. Apparently the lady dog hasn’t been feeling well. I WONDER WHY, probably sex reasons.

The next game is about to begin, and the opposing coach is taken aback that the Timberwolves are starting both a girl and a dog. One of the players on the opposing team exclaims that it is not just any dog, it is Air Bud. The legend grows each day, but it doesn’t explain to me how each sport hasn’t changed the rules to keep Air Bud from playing. I know I keep repeating myself on this, but people are aware of Air Bud in this universe. How have these sports not had these conversations? The coach even says, “What’s next, a water buffalo?”. Exactly! There isn’t a rule against it therefore it is permitted. Go get a team of water buffalo to play soccer and you would wreck this high school league.

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Air Bud scores from this position

Josh went out on a date with Emma and blew it. Why? He took the advice of his dweeby foreveralone friend by acting like a tough guy instead of a #NiceGuy. Afterwards we see the newly christened dad for the first time since the wedding, and haven’t seen the mom since the second scene.

The athletic conference has, finally, decided to disqualify the team because of the dog. The coach says that he has been on other Fernfield high teams, which isn’t true at all as far as I know. The basketball team was pre-junior high, and junior high doesn’t count as high school in my book. Unless he has been playing during the time between movies. Also, why isn’t there a rule about being enrolled at the school and being allowed to play? What would stop Michael Jordan from suiting up for Fernfield high and playing? Anyway, they kick the ball into the net and leave without playing.

Like, I understand that we are supposed to feel bad for the team because they can’t cheat anymore….but come on! These shenanigans couldn’t go on forever.

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Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay

The next day the lady dog gives birth. This is when everyone realizes that Buddy and the lady dog have been doing it. which is ridiculous unless they have been totally neglectful of their dogs. ALSO does air bud ever shit? we never see it happen, not even as a joke. Air Bud is 100% efficient. Also, just so you know, the coach who decided the Timberwolves cheated by having a dog on the team had a change of heart after his son took it as an insult. These people are so afraid of actual fair play.

Jumping forward a bit, the dog catcher that is disguised as a butler has still not stolen all these dogs, he is playing the long con. He seems to have been doing a serviceable job because he hasn’t been fired yet. Why not give up your life of crime to work an honest job? Turns out next scene they try and steal the dogs. They lock the lady dog away and steal the puppies by placing them in a hamper. Meanwhile Air Bud is at Josh’s home and somehow senses this from a long distance away, because he is Air Bud and he knows all. Unfortunately Air Bud is too late and they don’t stop the heist.

The mom makes pour-over coffee before heading to the soccer game. Why? Great question. its great, but just a weird thing to just be making in an afternoon. This town is in the general area of Seattle, so I guess this is a stereotype of how much they love coffee or something.

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Its just an oddly specific way of making coffee

Now it is the conference championship and a player from the women’s national team is in attendance, which is cool. Josh, Emma, and Air Bud are looking for the puppies so they aren’t at the game. This looks to be shaping up for a The Big Green scenario. They find the dogs in a warehouse that can only be described as a Saw scenario for dogs.

Back to the game… Fernfield surrenders a goal early. I don’t even know how they have 11 players, unless they added more after the season started. They are probably playing with 8 people right?

Josh and Co. are running from the dog catchers after being spotted and choose to blow the dog whistle to rally all the dogs in a 10 mile radius to their location. Josh used this dog whistle earlier in the movie which summoned a stampede of pooches. Meanwhile Fernfield scores a goal off a penalty, so its all 1-1.

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Air Bud is the Caesar of dogs, and I don’t mean the dog food brand

Now the dog catchers are the catched? as they run around their warehouse away from the dogs. They are cornered and decided to climb a ladder, which a dog knocks over and they fall. However, its not a fatal fall (unlike the prior two movies scenarios where people would have died). They rescue the dogs and everyone is happy, now we can get to soccer. The guy who was the butler turned out to not be evil and instead just wanted a dog, he defects and drives them to the soccer match.

With less than 4 minutes left in the game and down a goal, they show up and are allowed to play. I just want to know where the other 3 players were? or were they able to keep it this close playing 8 on 11? Anyway, Emma scores an equalizer and Air Bud scores the go ahead goal as time expires! Is the waterboy the kid from the beginning who brought water to the girls but they ran away? I think so. how dumb. also see, nobody is on the bench!

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This match was sponsored by First Mutual

Anyway, the Women’s Team player likes Buddy’s game and decides to bring him to the WORLD CUP FINAL against Norway. Well, the actual soccer player goes down, she is the goalkeeper, and they are in penalties. There is one penalty to go, the US is one goal up. Buddy is going in as GK, which he has never played before, and makes the save! Air Bud won the World Cup! Fuck you, roll credits.

Clearly there isn’t any stipulation for a dog playing international soccer. Also Air Bud is a male dog, does that matter? I think it should. is Air Bud a US citizen? this opens up more questions than it answers….

In this episode of the Air Bud saga, it really settles into its own. The sport is one a dog would be able to play well in, the bad guys are dog catchers, and nobody is obscenely weird, and nobody sustains injuries which would kill a normal person. Meanwhile the players on the team actually show improvement throughout the season, its not just Air Bud carrying the team. The movie isn’t perfect by any means, but the bar is incredibly low and it is the best Air Bud movie so far and I rate it a 50/100. 

Death Count: 3

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This isn’t the first time this has happened

Weird things….

Is it the same soundtrack in each movie? Seems like it

Is this just The Big Green meets Homeward Bound 2 Lost in San Francisco? Yes

In one scene Air Bud makes a sundae for his sweety in such an elaborate way that it makes no sense. The ice cream parlor attendant probably needs hearing aids.

At one point the dogs watch, what I think, is dog porn.

Previously: Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Next: Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch

 

Air Bud

30 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Air Bud, Basketball, Dogs

We apologize for how slow reviews have been coming out. We had to take a hiatus as several of our staff have been implicated in the Russian Hacking Scandal. Fortunately we are now allowed to continue reviewing.

“So, what should I review?” I asked myself a week ago. I wanted to review Halloween 3: Season of the Witch, but that was in October. Instead I decided to review the entire Air Bud film series! In order, of course. Starting with Air Bud 1: Ball is Life. The story of a boy discovering that his dead father inhabits the body of a tortured dog that can perform tricks. But we will get to that more later…

The movie opens to a clown driving a truck with a dog carrier in the back. Pretty normal stuff if you ask me. He is going to a town called Fernfield, where anything is possible (that is their slogan). The clown sucks at clowning. Once he realizes that he is a failure, he starts doing tricks with the dog. He throws balls at the dog’s face (Air Bud catches the balls) and eventually does a trick where the dog hits an inflatable ball through his arms. Instead, the ball hits him in the face…which causes the clown to go berserk like he is Goofy. The dog runs around, the children are screaming, and the clown slips on a banana and falls into the cake.

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This is definitely how your average kid’s movie starts, definitely nothing terrifying about this…

The clown blames the dog for his failures and threatens to take him to the pound. However, he left the tailgate down on the back of the truck. The carrier eventually falls out of the truck and is narrowly missed by a semi. However, the carrier is hit by a car (with the dog still inside). The mother in the car is unphased and is instead concerned about her crying daughter. The boy sees a dog come out of the crate wearing a clown suit. He doesn’t say anything, I would also assume that I am hallucinating though. The mom doesn’t notice and would have ran over the dog if it hadn’t been on the other side. The dog follows them to their home, more or less.

We learn that Josh’s (the kid) dad has recently died. This is why I hypothesize that Air Bud is his father, maybe it is because I have recently watched Nine Lives. But I digress, the kid finds an abandoned church which is overgrown. The backyard contains a basketball court, because ball is life. Over the next few scenes he restores the basketball court to its former glory. Air Bud is living in the bushes of the court because Air Bud knows all. Air Bud also loves vanilla pudding, and this is how the kid lures the dog to leave the bushes and later they engage in a basketball playing montage.

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The Lord has spoken

Josh wants to play basketball, and shows up at a practice and just sits there. In talking to the team the coach says, “If you can win on the courts you can win at life”. So ball is indeed life, this is the moral of the story and everything else is secondary.

After a few days of hanging out, Josh takes air bud home to wash him, which then leads to this stupid song Splish Splash. A cleaning the dog montage takes place where he dries off the dog with a leaf blower, and even sprayed perfume in the dog’s face to freshen him up. Please don’t do this to your dogs.

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Really, please don’t do this to your dogs.

His mother arrives at the house and Josh tries to hide the dog. Unfortunately, Ball if Life and the dog wrecks the house by chasing after a basketball. Josh is made to put up “lost dog” signs around the town, which ends Air Bud eating his ice cream cone. This dog has eaten vanilla pudding, spaghettiO’s, and ice cream. Please don’t feed these to your dogs. We are only 1/3rd of the way through the movie….I’ll try to pick up the pace.

Jumping forward a little bit, the janitor shows up like a wise black guy in a Stephen King story. He tells Josh about using cold water to wash the basketball uniforms (he is the team manager), and asks Josh why he puts up with this shit. Josh’s response is “Ball is Life”, in essence. Josh discovers that the janitor is probably former NBA legend Arthur Chaney (played by Clevelander Bill Cobbs). Josh has his basketball card because of course he does and that is not weird at all.

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For Christmas the mom got Josh another dog! Oh wait, its just the same dog but with a ribbon.

Josh was mistakenly given a tryout invitation, and the coach seemed pissed about it. However, Josh balls out and makes the team. One kid on the team is a major asshole for no good reason. Seriously, these kids look like they’re in 5th grade. That kid’s dad is also a horrible human being.

Meanwhile… during the game Air Bud breaks out of the house and makes his way to the court. Josh is thrown into the game which means Air Bud must chase the ball around. The dog proves himself to be faster and stronger on the ball than everyone else. NO ONE CAN STOP HIM. One ref eventually puts a towel over his head in shame. Somehow Josh grabs the ball and Air Bud knocks it into the hoop. Everyone stops in sheer amazement and cheers uncontrollably as if they saw this Michigan punter blow the game single handedly. The end result is a mom? the principal? trying to set Josh up with a girl.

DRAMA HAPPENS NEXT. Air bud goes back to the court, because ball is life, and we get to witness the coach going full Rutgers on a player. He gets fired and replaced by the dog. PSYCH, they replace him with the ex-NBA playing janitor. Why wasn’t he always the coach? idk. In the first practice the coach performs a magic trick, the kids don’t seem to care.

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He pulled this ball from behind his back, he definitely didn’t walk up to them with it, I’m serious.

Larry, the asshole kid, gets benched during the game for not being a team player. I only mention this because the family ends up moving to a new city just so their asshole kid can play elementary school basketball. At the end of the game Josh has the opportunity to make a 3 like Kyrie to win the game, however he misses the shot.

The coach, being a wise black man, knows that ball is life. He also knows that Air Bud understands this, because he just likes to ball and doesn’t care about stats. Unfortunately Air Bud would be an awful teammate, his off the ball work is non-existent and he sucks at defense.

A minor subplot in this movie is the mystery of the disappearing newspapers. However the mom finds them all buried in the backyard. While digging up the mountain of newspapers the Clown guy shows up behind her to claim the dog. The mom is totally okay with a creepy guy showing up on her property and claiming the dog is his. Josh begins to cry because he is a child, he also begins leaving vanilla pudding at the church basketball court.

Josh finds out where the clown lives, which is apparently within walking distance of his house? He breaks in and steals the dog. Which results in a ridiculous scene that would take too much time to detail. Overall the clown is defeated by running water, proceeds to chase the kid and dog in his truck, and almost kills a couple people because he is driving through a park. This ends in what should most certainly be his death since the truck is literally falling apart. The steering wheel even comes off and he crashes into the lake, which means he should be impaled as he wasn’t even wearing a seat belt. Nope, he lives. But let’s count this as the first should-be death in the series.

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Once again, this is a kids movie.

Josh knows that Air Bud won’t leave him alone so he tries to convince the dog to be free. He tries yelling at Air Bud to “Go on, get!”, which we all know is the hardest thing to say to a dog. To highlight the emotion in the scene, the dog mentions that he wants to tend the rabbits. PSYCH. instead Josh throws the ball and Air Bud chases it. The kid runs away.

BACK AT SCHOOL its the big game. The coach, who was a professional basketball player at one point, mentions that these have been the best months of his life. I call BS on that. The team is down to only 7 players because of the chicken pox. Larry is now on the other team, which is actually good for everyone because its not like he was going to make the championship game with the first team anyway. These kids clearly suck at defense as one team has 50 points at the half!

As stated, the team is shorthanded and need everyone they can to play. Unfortunately one kid fouls out and two more injure each other. How can they win playing 4 on 5? Well, we’ll never know because Air Bud shows up ready to ball. 99.9999% of the time if a dog shows up to a little league basketball game wearing a jersey and shoes, nobody says the dog should play. However, this is no ordinary day…

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Air Bud wins the jump ball, I’m not joking.

The coach argues that the dog should be allowed to play because he is a registered member of the team. How do we know this? Because he practices and travels with the team. I guess that is all it takes to be a REGISTERED MEMBER. With whom is this dog registered? I don’t know. He isn’t even a student, which I imagine is a necessary part of being a registered member of the team. If not, then why did Larry have to move to Spokane to join the Warriors?

ANYWAY the coach then challenges the ref on the rules. The ref recites his famous “there ain’t no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball.” line. The other coach is pissed off, rightfully so. Arthur Chaney then challenges the other coach by calling him chicken if he doesn’t want to allow a dog to play in this game, AND IT FUCKING WORKS. This is just Back to the Future rules in a movie about magic and dogs.

Stupid stuff happens, like this line, “Does he dribble? No but he might drool a little bit.” Fuck this. Air bud wins a jump ball by scaring the kid with a bark. Fuck this. This is Air Bud at its worst.

The team is rolling and are now down by 4 with 20 seconds left. Larry, the asshole, gives a hard foul to the dog, which forces the dog to shoot a 1 on 1 because this association has college rules. Larry realizes that he hit a fucking dog in a little league basketball game and finally questions his life, unfortunately for him Air Bud then gives him a nut shot and steals the ball.

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I would probably miss the shot if this kid ran at me too.

Josh is open in an identical situation to the last game, where he can make a 3 to win the game. This time he has the confidence and the spirit to make the shot. THEY WIN THE GAME. The clown shows up to take the dog away, yep this movie isn’t over yet. They go to court because OF COURSE THEY DO. This movie will never end, don’t you see? Also this is a more ridiculous court room than God’s Not Dead 2.

“Holy Toledo what is that dog doing in the courthouse?” Says the judge, I agree. “I will not have my courtroom turned into some kind of a circus!”, says the judge. As the dude shows up wearing his clown getup. Such easy jokes.

The clown claims he has papers to prove that the dog is his, because the fucking dog has fucking papers. The Clown also says that the boy is a criminal, despite this not being the place to make those claims. However, the dog barks every time the judge slams the gavel which leads to a series of jokes about the dog barking that is reminiscent of Abbot and Costello except with a dog.

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Remember this? No one does.

The family are trying to prove that the guy abuses the dog, and they don’t have any proof. IF ONLY THEY REMEMBERED WHEN THEY FOUND THE DOG CRATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Josh is so dumb that he can’t remember this? or he thinks its a different dog? I think he believes the dog is magic and didn’t actually come out of the crate.

Arthur Chaney walks in because he is the wise black man with all the answers. His argument? Dog is man’s best friend and therefore the dog should be able to choose what man he is friends with. I would reject this argument outright, but instead the judge who did NOT want his court room to become a circus decides to entertain this. The coach also argues that the dog is 3 or 4 years old, which makes him an adult in our years. I’m not misquoting…I just can’t tell if this was an intentional writing mistake…

So it is the moment of truth as they set up outside of the courthouse with Air Bud in the middle and the two people on either side. Air bud is lured by the clown because he brought a newspaper, which Air Bud then rips off like he is tearing off the chains of slavery and then runs over to Josh. Roll Credits.

This movie is bonkers, but there is also a lot less action than one might expect. They take the relatively basic concept of a dog being able to hit a basketball into a hoop and extrapolate it to playing basketball on a kid’s team. The movie itself, when it comes to children’s dog based movies, isn’t all that bad. I still wouldn’t suggest feeding your dog the Air Bud diet, but at least he is getting a workout. 

40/100 is the rating. The dog only plays in one game. I feel the more the dog actually plays the sport competitively the worse the movie gets. 

Death count: 1

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Everyone’s face when Air Bud balls out

Neat things…

Josh also appeared in Dawn of the Dead.

The actor who played Air Bud died, a new dog plays Air Bud in the other movies.

What? Other movies? YES there are a total of 14 movies in the Air Bud cinematic universe. If you want to read more about them, stay tuned, I am doing them all!

Last review: God’s Not Dead 2

Next review: Air Bud: Golden Receiver

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