Tag Archives: Beer Review

Beer Review #87: Kirkland Signature APA (Costco Adventures #1)

13 Thursday Dec 2018

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December Reader Mail

Why isn’t there a Wintertime version of ice cream trucks? – Jan from Van Nuys

This is legitimately a profound question and I’m mad at myself for not having considered it before. I guess you can get a soft pretzel at a food truck, but it’s not the same. Let’s try to break this down.

Obviously, the most important thing to address is the music. What the hell would this thing play? I suppose you could go with your classics like The Entertainer or whatever, but I feel like you’d want something festive. As such, I suggest this Korean guy singing All I want For Christmas is You.

As to what this truck would actually serve; the answer is obviously soups and stews. Not only is a nice soup great for keeping warm in the snow, but it’s also a great weapon if things get serious; like if the guy running a Winter soup truck tries to pull you in to the truck.

Great question Jan and I’m stealing you idea.

I want to start dating a much younger man, but I’m afraid that my family won’t approve. What’s the best way to go about this? – Gayle from Brooklyn

This can be really rough and I understand the problem: people are disgusted by the idea of any old person having sex. The best way to show them that it’s just a normal thing for all people is to just show them a video of you making love followed by a video of you really getting plowed.

I come from a very conservative family so I’ve had to stay in the closet for all of my life. This year, I went to college and I finally feel free. I’m going home for Thanksgiving and I want to finally face my family and tell them about the real me. Any advice? – Anonymous

I know I say this a lot, but I really need to respond to these messages in a more timely manner.

Apple or Android? – Bryan from Parma

I refuse to answer the question that I assume you’re asking and will instead address this literally.

Apples are plentiful, tasty, and a great fruit. Androids are robotic monsters that look just like us.

Apples can go rotten fairly easily. Androids will live forever after they replace us.

Apples make for a great pie. Androids do not taste good in pie.

I’m still gonna go with androids because I like Westworld.

What’s your favorite Christmas Song? – Nick from Mansfield

This was addressed in the ice cream truck question. Specifically the linked version too.

Kirkland APA

Appearance: An off-white head with really big craters lifts the eyes up at first. The beer itself is clear and moderately effervescent with a pleasing dark straw color.

Smell: Wet hay that had only just been ready to get baled and now you have to wait for three sunny days in a row so it can get dry enough. It’s incredibly frustrating and you’re ready to just get to work.

Taste: Medium body, fairly crisp. It has a sharp spiciness and tastes of malt with an herbaceous aftertaste. All of the flavors are very tame and not really pronounced. Very generic outside of the decent spice.

Overall: My biggest takeaway was that the head really thins out quickly. This felt like someone tried to make the prototypical APA and muted it down on almost all aspects. 63/100. I’d still definitely drink it in a pinch, but I wouldn’t be particularly happy about it.

Up Next: Some other Costco beer.

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Beer Review #83: Leinenkugel Summer Shandy

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

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Adventures in Monotonous Dining!

On July 1st, 2016 fast-food restaurant Chipotle began its Summer rewards program “Chiptopia.” This promotion allows customers to earn free food and potentially even get over $200 in free catering.

I’ve never cared for Chipotle. I do crave free things though so I jumped on it. I’ve been thirteen times since the promotion began. Here I will detail my experience with each trip.

Meal #1: I went on July 1st and the place was packed. Fortunately they were moving people through the line pretty quickly. I got a carnitas bowl. It was shockingly good.

Recipts

Someone. Please. Help.

Meal #2: This was probably only a couple days later. I ordered the same thing because the steak and chicken looked dry and the barbacoa was an extra dollar and I’m cheap. I noticed that most of the people visiting this restaurant are not capable of placing an order in an orderly fashion. I begin to wonder if that’s where the word “orderly: comes from.

Meal #3: Same order: White rice, pinto beans, fajita veggies, carnitas, pico de gallo, salsa verde, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, lettuce.

I get stuck behind an old woman that has two orders. She can’t remember what belongs to which entree. She doesn’t know what a burrito is. She doesn’t know what guacamole is. She has caused the line to go almost out the door. She is the one person in the world I truly despise.

Meal #4: Same meal. The restaurant was disturbingly empty. I think the woman making my bowl gave me extra meat so I give her a smile and nod in a way that says “thanks.” It may have come off more like “You have something I crave.” I stop smiling that day.

Meal #5: My first free meal. I decide to get the barbacoa. Eating something new was such a relief. The barbacoa tastes mostly like pot roast though; it wasn’t seasoned very aggressively.

A child keeps running around the store while his mother tries to order for him. He will not pay attention as his mother asks what he wants. I add him to my enemies list.

Meal #6: Back to the Carnitas bowl. I think the employees are starting to recognize me. I’ve picked up on the most efficient ways to order. It seems like that’s appreciated.

Meal #7: At this point I pretty much hate the food at Chipotle, but I can get two meals out of seven dollars so I keep going. I decide to mix things up and get steak. I now regret doing that.

When I got this bowl, the man in line in front of me ordered a quesadilla. I didn’t even see quesadillas on the menu. They can’t use that tortilla warming device for anyone else while this is happening. I add him to my enemies list.

Meal #8: AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Meal #9: My second free entree. I learned that the free entree can effectively be anything so I go for double barbacoa and guac on top of my regular bowl ingredients. It is far too much food, but for the first time in a long time I feel a sense of accomplishment. This bowl would have cost twice as much as my usual order.

Someone in line behind me was asked if they wanted black or pinto beans. They asked which beans were the black beans. I put them on the list.

Napkins

At least I never have to buy napkins ever again.

Meal #10: I discover that I could have been getting chorizo this whole time. All is right with the world.

Meal #11: My last meal of July.

I think it was Nietzsche that said “He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.” Chipotle has taken away most of my humanity. I go through the line like a robot and order a chorizo bowl.

This chorizo might bring me back. God bless you chorizo. Wait, maybe the chorizo is god? I must consume it so that I might become god.

Meal #12: It’s now August. I have another free entree so I go back to the double barbacoa and guac bowl; tortilla on the side. I’ve been making my own burrito with the side tortilla and then eating the rest of the bowl later. I’m pretty much on a Chipotle diet at this point because I typically eat once a day so that bowl is tomorrows dinner.

I held the door open for a family of five. I did this against my better judgement. Fortunately the mother didn’t give her three kids any choice in what they were getting. I wanted to kiss her. She knew my struggle.

Meal #13: Yesterday I got another chorizo bowl. The woman making my burrito was incredibly upbeat. The chorizo has given me it’s power and now I am in complete control of this restaurant. That is the only explanation for this turnaround. I can feel it’s power filling my heart.

I will use this power for good. That means demanding answers from all of the horrible people on my list. They must answer for disrespecting a god.

Remember to like and share everything you see so that I don’t use my new sausage powers on your mom. Like the Facebook page and follow us on twitter. There’s e-mail too, but I honestly just don’t care to link it today. Literally anything will get through as long as you add @boozeandothernonsense.com to it. Here’s the beer review.

Leinenkugel Summer Shandy

I drank this in an enchanted forest for peak flavor.

Appearance: Very cloudy with a golden color and decently thick, white head. Fairly bubbly and the head dies down fairly quickly.

Smell: Lemons. Pretty much nothing but sweetness and lemons. It is overpowering.

Taste: It feels shockingly nice on the tongue. The body is on the line between medium and thin and it’s fairly crisp. This all lends for a nice effect on a hot, sunny day.

The actual taste, however, is far too sweet to even begin to try to find any other flavor. It’s just lemons and far too much sugar. It almost hurts my teeth.

Overall: There’s really not a lot going on here, but I can understand why someone would drink a few of these out of a bucket of ice on a nice day. If you have a tolerance for sweet things this would be a dream. I can only give it a 55/100. It should actually be much lower, but the mouthfeel was nice and it didn’t look terrible.

Up Next: Something cheap from the gas station.

Beer Review #80: Elevator Brewing Co. Bleeding Buckeye Red Ale

15 Tuesday Mar 2016

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March Reader Mail

So it’s election season, what do you think about the candidates? – Jeff from Columbus

What can I say about these candidates that hasn’t already been said in the YouTube comments of a clip from a monster truck rally? I guess I’ll give it a go.

Bernie Sanders – I’m like 60% certain he was created when Seth Rogen stepped into a teleportation machine while holding all of George Orwell’s books and a copy of Spaceballs.

Hillary Clinton – She seems like the person on the police squad that’s one day away from retirement and is just tired of this bullshit. She just wants one day of peace.

Ted Cruz – I’m fairly certain Dracula wasn’t born in the United States. I want to see his birth certificate.

Marco Rubio – Remember that kid in your circle of friends that didn’t understand when you were making fun of him? Then, at some point, he sort of catches on and tries to find some sweet jokes on the internet, but everyone knows what he’s doing and he just gets more frustrated. That kid.

John Kasich – He’s the neighbors dog looking at you through the window while you’re having a good time with your own pets. Also, he has some weird shit going on with North Korea.

Donald Trump – A really charismatic jack-o-lantern that learned how to turn our nation’s underlying racism and xenophobia into votes. He’s what happens when you build a platform based on dog-whistle politics and the dog finally decides to show up.

Read anything good lately? – Gina from Grand Rapids

You ever read the back of a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Way more anti-Semitic than you’d expect.

This website sucks – Anonymous

I am well aware.

Who do you think will be the first big celebrity death of 2016? – Mike from NYC

I really gotta start answering these e-mails in a more timely fashion.

Which Chicken McNugget dipping sauce from McDonald’s is best? – Kent from Indianapolis

I don’t even know what all the sauce options are. Why don’t they have that displayed somewhere? You order nuggets and they ask what sauce you want as if this is just a thing everyone is prepared to answer without more information. What are they hiding back there that we don’t know about?

I usually go for a honey mustard, but I’ll mix in the spicy buffalo sauce on a good day. This was a good question and I’m gonna give it the full attention it deserves next time I’m at Mickey Ds. I’ll request one of each sauce and have a tasting. Keep on the lookout for that in the future.

Remmeber, if you want your questions answered you should get with us on Twitter and Facebook. Like and follow or I might die! You can also e-mail, but it’ll probably go to spam because I just assume any person doing that is trying to steal my identity or tomato sauce recipe.

Bleeding Buckeye Red Ale

Bleeding Buckeye Red Ale

Appearance: I hate starting reviews like this, but this is just beautiful. From the striking color reminiscent of polished mahogany, the cloudiness that just barely lets you see thousands of energized bubbles, all leading up to a remarkably creamy head that just explodes as you pour this thing.

It’s all so good, but I feel like the head deserves special recognition. It’s almost like whipped cream in consistency. It has a nutty color that compliments the rich color of the beer. This looks like something you’d see in a TV commercial. I hope this ends well because I’ve really hyped this up for myself.

Smell: Strong malt up front, followed by butterscotch, toasted bread, and some hops.

Taste: It’s very slick and light-bodied. You can pick up the bubbles, but not as much as I would have thought.

Lots of caramel notes and lots of sweetness from the toasted malt, but the hops cut through in a great way to keep things interesting. The bitterness and grassy flavor from the hops really helps to offset what could be overbearing sweetness.

It finishes with those bitter hops and really sticks to the tongue. It’s like it’s setting you up for the rush of sweetness from your next sip.

Overall: This was fun. I’m not usually big on red ale, but I’ll be buying this again. Pulling that sweet liquid through the creamy head was a delight. It wasn’t overly complex and it’s not gonna set any records, but it’s a gorgeous beer that would be great for a session under the sun with a few good friends. 89/100.

Up Next: No clue!

Beer Review #79: Hamm’s

04 Friday Dec 2015

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December Reader Mail

Dude, are you okay? – Glenn, from Spokane

No.

Who would win in a fight between a kraken and every main villain from the Die Hard film series? – Anonymous

Well there’s several issues with this question that make it impossible to answer.

First, where is this fight taking place? On dry land the kraken is toast, but in the depths of the sea I imagine Hans Gruber would be crushed by the pressure of the ocean.

Second, I’ve never seen the fifth Die Hard movie so for all I know that guy specialized in hunting down creatures from the deep sea or maybe he’s part narwhal. I’ve also never met a kraken, but I think I get the gist of their capabilities.

All things considered, I’m giving this one to the kraken, assuming that he isn’t forced to wear a racist sandwich board in the middle of Harlem.

What do you think the ninja turtles’ stance on ethics in video games journalism would be? – Troy from Dublin

Raphael: Doesn’t care, but will jump on any opportunity to send anonymous death threats to women on Twitter.

Donatello: Too fucking smart to care.

Leonardo: Very much against the actions of the movement.

Michelangelo: Busy actually enjoying video games.

What’s your dream job? What do you want to accomplish? – Mom from [redacted]

That’s two questions. You’re only allowed to ask one question.

I’ll answer the second one: To one day beat Jackie Robinson’s record of being the first Black man to play Major League Baseball.

 

Send in your own questions over Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail. Or don’t. I really don’t care. Here’s the review.

I'm not sure where this picture was taken!

I’m not sure where this picture was taken!

Appearance: Super clear with almost zero carbonation. The head puffs up nicely and lasts longer than you’d think before it settles into a reasonably thick white ring. A very pale color like that of straw after a few days of drying.

Smell: Well it’s great that I brought up straw earlier ’cause this smells like hay that wasn’t given enough time to dry before it was loaded up into the loft; musty, grainy, stale.

Taste: I’m willing to concede that this beer has a pleasant mouthfeel, but that’s it. It’s got a nice medium-body and feels a little slippery. The actual taste is muted, but one can get a bit of grain with a malty finish. It still has a bit of that smell in it which isn’t very pleasant.

Overall: 49 out of 100 and that feels too generous. I’d take PBR or High Life instead.

Up Next: There’s a bunch already written, but I’m lazy so who knows?

Beer Review #77: Southern Tier Brewing Company Crème Brûlée

29 Friday May 2015

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May Reader Mail

What did you think about Mayweather/Pacquiao? – John from Atlanta

I was pretty drunk for most of it, but I distinctly remember watching it from my local dive and some homeless man shitting himself on a bar stool after drinking about 10 cups of the complimentary coffee they put out. I enjoyed that more than the fight.

Who’s your dream girl? – Liz

Way to objectify half of the world’s population. How dare you assume that I’m into women? It’s 2015 and this is a very progressive website.

Also, it’s Emma Roberts or Lizzy Caplan. I want to own them as property.

Summer’s coming up soon. Any tips to make this one to remember? – Kathleen from Columbus, OH

Don’t leave your drink unattended.

This website used to be funny. – Mike from Peoria

No it didn’t. I don’t know what would lead you to believe that. This is a legitimate place for serious business.

You seem like the kind of person that’s had some issues with alcohol. It’s getting pretty bad for me and I was wondering if you had any tips on battling addiction or at least managing it. – Anonymous

I’ve yet to encounter a problem that couldn’t be solved by drinking more.

Well that was that. Send in your own e-mail questions and please try to keep the racial slurs down to a minimum. Not because we’re offended, but just putting a question mark after the N-word is a very confusing question. Like, do you want to know if I’m Black or are you offering one for trade? Use your words.

Don’t forget to hit us up on Facebook and Twitter too. You can see the low-quality material that gets posted there on the sidebar here, but why risk missing anything? On to the show!

Southern Tier Creme Brulee

Southern Tier Creme Brulee

Appearance: Impregnable darkness. A wispy thin head that reminds me of a marshmallow after just 5 seconds over a campfire. It laces quite nicely too. Very little carbonation.

Smell: You get pretty much what you’d expect with something named after a French dessert. An almost cloying saccharine aroma hits you as soon as the bottle opens. There’s also a fair bit of vanilla, dark chocolate, and caramel.

Taste: A very thin body, but it still has a pleasing mouthfeel that manages to encourage me to go back for more. The strong sweet flavors are more tempered than I had expected, but it still feels like a bit much. Toasted nuts, toffee, and maybe something reminiscent of sweetened condensed milk.

The taste hits you pretty quickly and doesn’t leave you with much. There’s just a slight lingering sweetness.

Overall: This was not a bad beer and it delivered on it’s promise so I have to review it with that in mind. It wouldn’t be fair to review this like a normal stout because that’s not what they were going for. That being said, I had some issues with the strong sugar smell and the flavor profile. 76/100

Up Next: Something Bad!

Beer Review #75: Michelob Ultra

16 Thursday Apr 2015

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Ghost Log #1: New Realities (Part One)

The night was black. Central Ohio Undead and Ghost Hunting (COUGH) was having its first monthly meeting of the new year when we heard our phone sound for the first time since we’d been forcing ourselves to come to these meetings three years ago.

The three of us sat silent for the first couple rings when Nick decided that he was the only one of us not completely shaken by nerves. Nick wasn’t the bravest, or the most talkative, but he loved doing this more than the rest of us and had been waiting for this day more than anything else.

I could only hear one side of the call, but from the way Nick’s face dropped I knew this was big. He hung up the receiver, turned to us, and asked me to cancel the pizza delivery for that night; we were going out.

The client was Shelly Globke, an 81-year-old widower living in German Village. He invited us into his home and sat us down in a room lined with heavily worn books and dull light provided by a single antique lamp on the verge of death. There were four fresh glasses of tea waiting for us on the coffee table.

Suddenly remembering my position as leader of the group, I asked Shelly why he called.

“Well,” he rasped, “you should first know that my dear Evelyn passed just last week. She was all I ever cared about. She… I think she’s back.”

Now I understood why Nick had been so solemn on the phone. This was just a sad, lonely man that lost his only companion. He’d entertain any fantasy to have her back. We’d humor him.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Mr. Globke. Would you mind if we have a look around before you tell us how the spirit manifests itself? It’s best we do this before you go into detail so that we aren’t influenced.”

“Of course. Do whatever you need. I’ll be waiting here.”

As we left the room to grab our gear Mr. Globke began to thumb through an old photo album and tear up. We weren’t built for this.

“We can’t actually do this,” yelled Dan. “I sympathize with the man, but I can tell what you two are up to and I won’t support an old man’s delusions. He needs to move on. No one wants to find a ghost more than me, but this is ridiculous.”

“Let’s just give it a chance. This is the first time we’ve ever been called out. Besides, I’m in charge here so it’s my call. Let’s look around.”

We swept though the house and took every reading that we could. Whenever I passed the doorway leading to Shelly’s study I gave him a nod and a smile, but I knew this was helpless.

Dan screamed.

I could hear Nick running upstairs.

Shelly started crying.

I froze.

Part two will drop whenever. Check out the Facebook and Twitter pages for updates. Send e-mail questions too. They are all I have these days… On to the review!

Michelob Ultra

Michelob Ultra

Appearance: Otherworldly pale and super fizzy. A flash of a white head is gone before you can get your god damn camera out of your god damn drawer. Clear. Like distractingly clear.

Smell: A flooded basement one week after cleanup.

Taste: Water and a tiny bit of corn syrup.

Overall: Fuck this beer. 2/100

Up Next: Something nice.

Beer Review #74: Stone Enjoy By (2/14/15)

27 Friday Feb 2015

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I lost a good ale while walking around the house the other day. I’m not yet desperate enough to suck spilled beer out of the carpet, so I’ve chosen to memorialize that lost soul in poem form.

I think that I shall never hear
a song sad as a wasted beer.

A beer whose frothy contents spilled
and left my cravings yet unfulfilled.

A beer I longed for all the day.
to wash my pointless cares away.

A beer that filled my glass with flair
but tumbled as I missed a stair.

Upon the floor its suds have lain
and cause me to cry out in pain.

Sobriety, us boozers fear
is best tamed with an ice cold beer.

Remember the Facebook and Twitter pages for updates. Send e-mail too. If you don’t the terrorists win.

Stone Enjoy By...

Stone Enjoy By…

Appearance: Striking. Crystal clear golderrod mirred only by the incessant tiny bubbles that move with passion. A thick creamy head that sticks to your upper lip in a way that you only see in the movies. The head sticks hard to the sides of the glass, not lacing so much as slowly oozing down and covering everything. This is a marvel

Smell: Big hops; like walking through a meadow after a soft rain, the sun beaming down on your face as it slowly bakes the grass and fills the air with scents of a perfect Spring day. Like getting flowers when it’s not even a special occasion.

Taste: Oddly tame, I expected to be stabbed in the back of the throat with hops and bitterness. Medium-bodied and incredibly drinkable.

A nice bit of citrus cuts through everything and keeps you refreshed and wanting more. It finishes mush sweeter than I’d expect for this kind of beer. Mango or something tropical. It totally caught me off guard. For the most part it tastes like it smells with is damn near perfect.

Overall: Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy! This was a revelation. It was something that has stuck with me since I actually tasted the beer three weeks ago. That I’m not drinking it now is slightly depressing. 95/100.

Up Next: It really doesn’t matter right now. Probably an IPA.

Beer Review #62: Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier

28 Friday Mar 2014

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I was banned from my local Subway sandwich shop. I’ll attempt to recreate a transcript of the events and perhaps someone can explain to me where things went wrong.

Subway Employee: <just blankly staring at me, the only customer in the store>

Me: So, uhhh. How ’bout those sandwiches? Looks like you’ve got some bread back there. Let’s cut open some Italian Herbs and Cheese and get a foot long oven-roasted chicken breast going.

Subway Employee: <cuts wrong bread> What sandwich did you want?

Me: Apparently chicken breast on wheat. Throw on some provolone and we’ll call it even.

Subway Employee: Would you like it toasted?

Me:  Of course I want it toasted. I’m not an animal.

Subway Employee: <buries hand in lettuce> Any veggies?

Me: If I wanted lettuce scraps I’d go back to Africa. Let’s do a thin layer of spinach and some tomatoes.

Me: Why in god’s name would you think it’s appropriate to put six tomatoes on a foot long sub? And why do you only have the end pieces? Let’s do another dusting of tomatoes.

Me: Okay, let’s try some pickles. So we’re doing this again? You keep putting pickles on this sandwich until I hear you scraping the bottom of the bin.

Me: Banana peppers and for the love of god if you put just six on there I will make you watch me flush this sandwich down the toilet.

Me: I’d like some onions.

Me: Alright. We’ve had a rocky relationship, but I think we can make it if you get this right. I want some of the sweet onion sauce. I want to be able to hold this sandwich. You decide the appropriate amount.

Subway Worker: <unscrews lid to sauce and dumps it on.>

Me: I’m going to use all of my future birthday wishes on you getting cancer.

Remember to follow me on Twitter. I will do whatever you want if you follow me on Twitter. There’s a Facebook page too. Vandalize it. Get updates. Whatever. Here’s the review.

Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier

Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier

Appearance: Pretty clear for a hefeweizen. The head is thick and clingy, dropping gorgeous laces down the side of the glass. The beer itself, pale straw with little by way of carbonation. Not particularly remarkable, but it maintains a certain indescribable allure. I’d try to describe it, but then I couldn’t really call it indescribable.

Smell: Like the rolled up sleeves of an angsty teen, this beer is full of cloves. Lots of spiceyness, a bit of honey, and the tiniest bit of tropical fruit. There’s some wheat in there too.

Taste: It hits the palate very gently. A sharp sting of carbonation falls to that wonderful spiciness that defined the aroma. Banana is pronounced, and pairs well with a tame wheat taste. It’s got a nice creaminess and yet somehow remains crisp. A lingering carbonation keeps the taste buds stimulated while the wheat in the aftertaste takes you home. This was a master class in mouthfeel.

Overall: This was a very enjoyable experience. Wheat beers are a weakness, and this delivered. I honestly prefer the Franzikaner Weissbeer from my very first review, but this is still a great time. Weinhenstephaner is the oldest brewery in the world, and with this kind of product I can understand why they’ve been able to stay open so long. 85/100.

Up Next: Avery Brewing White Rascal

Beer Review #61: Revolution Brewing Anti-Hero IPA

02 Sunday Mar 2014

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New month. New mail.

What’s the drunkest you’ve ever been? – Greg, Ohio

I once blacked out and woke up under six inches of fresh snow.

Where can I meet mature singles in my area? – Peter, Chicago

Just crack open any local coffin.

I’m not so fresh down there. Any tips? – Laura, Pottsville, PA

Fill the cavity with baking soda and red food coloring. Top it off with a little vinegar for an exciting, volcano-like, reaction!

Remember, you can always send us an e-mail, like the Facebook Page, or follow the Twitter account. Here’s our review of Revolution’s Anti-Hero IPA.

Revolution Anti-Hero

Revolution Anti-Hero

Appearance: Wow, just wow. All IPAs should aspire to this. The head is strong, pillowy, and perfectly white. The beer’s nut brown color is a perfect complement to the gentle carbonation and alluring haziness. This is a real beer; something that you’d never be ashamed to be seen with

Smell: Big grapefruit up front. After that, it’s like walking through a forest in the fall. Maybe some hard, tropical fruit and some sort of herb.

Taste: Never in a million years has something so bitter been so good. If one is looking for a lesson in balance then I’ve found your teacher.

A strong, punch-to-the-face of bitterness gives way to a citrus and malt sweetness. The hops coat the mouth and stay on the tongue long after drinking. The aroma has carried over in a great, and refreshing, way. All of this is carried by a respectable, medium body that is more than capable of supporting that strong taste while keeping the beer clean and refreshing.

Overall: I couldn’t be much happier with this beer. I hate giving out scores above 90, but to give this less than a solid 90/100 would be a slight to Dionysus. This is everything that I want out of an IPA. After having so many stinkers, this was like soaking up the rays on a tropical beach. And, as always, I’m a fool for graphic design and any microbrew in a can so it gets some bonus points. It only lost out a little because the grapefruit can be a bit much at times.

Up Next: Something to summon an early Spring. A nice hefeweizen perhaps.

Beer Review #59: Dieselpunk Porter

07 Friday Feb 2014

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I don’t really believe in anything supernatural. I mean, I used every birthday wish from 1995 to 2001 on clearing up the New York skyline, but that was probably just a coincidence. I think that coincidence is probably responsible for most accounts

I woke up this morning, from a very pleasant dream about the film Se7en, to the sounds of my cat, General Robert E. Flea, having a nightmare; this almost always happens if we have Italian the night before so I expected this. I gently picked him up and began rubbing the small of his back, the way a mother would encourage an infant to burp.

At that very moment I noticed that my Victorian sleeping garments were covered in some sort of chlorine-scented ectoplasm, centered mostly around the region of my urinary meatus. It has a salty taste, reminiscent of the “mystery milk” that my grandfather weaned me on as an adolescent. He’s been dead for over a decade though.

If you have experience with these sorts of hauntings please contact me immediately. I really want to get the recipe from that ghost. Here’s a Dieselpunk Porter review. 

Dieselpunk Porter

Dieselpunk Porter

Appearance: A dark, cola-like black that takes on a deep ruby color when held to the light. The head is full of energy and explodes in size, quickly trickling down to almost nothing. It’s quick to reform after a good swirl and does lace fairly well.

Smell: Weak and sweet. There’s a very noticeable presence of freshly mowed grass and hops. You can also smell the alcohol coming off of it.

Taste: Christ Almighty! That is not what I expected. I’m a fool for a good porter so I typically know what I’m getting in to when I get a new one to try. This drinks more like a Black IPA than a porter.

Bitterness takes to the main stage here, backed up by a subtle, lingering, maple-like sweetness and strong carbonation. It’s quite crisp, which is unexpected given its slightly-thicker-than-medium body. Its seriously lacking in the traditional porter tastes though.

Overall: If this was labeled as a Black IPA I’d happily give it somewhere between an 80 to 85. As a porter though, it gets a 71. This is a decent beer, one that wouldn’t be bad in the right situation, but it’s not what was promised. I’m giving bonus points for the graphic design on the bottle too. I shouldn’t, but it is a pretty bottle.

Up Next: Probably something awful.