December Reader Mail

Why isn’t there a Wintertime version of ice cream trucks? – Jan from Van Nuys

This is legitimately a profound question and I’m mad at myself for not having considered it before. I guess you can get a soft pretzel at a food truck, but it’s not the same. Let’s try to break this down.

Obviously, the most important thing to address is the music. What the hell would this thing play? I suppose you could go with your classics like The Entertainer or whatever, but I feel like you’d want something festive. As such, I suggest this Korean guy singing All I want For Christmas is You.

As to what this truck would actually serve; the answer is obviously soups and stews. Not only is a nice soup great for keeping warm in the snow, but it’s also a great weapon if things get serious; like if the guy running a Winter soup truck tries to pull you in to the truck.

Great question Jan and I’m stealing you idea.

I want to start dating a much younger man, but I’m afraid that my family won’t approve. What’s the best way to go about this? – Gayle from Brooklyn

This can be really rough and I understand the problem: people are disgusted by the idea of any old person having sex. The best way to show them that it’s just a normal thing for all people is to just show them a video of you making love followed by a video of you really getting plowed.

I come from a very conservative family so I’ve had to stay in the closet for all of my life. This year, I went to college and I finally feel free. I’m going home for Thanksgiving and I want to finally face my family and tell them about the real me. Any advice? – Anonymous

I know I say this a lot, but I really need to respond to these messages in a more timely manner.

Apple or Android? – Bryan from Parma

I refuse to answer the question that I assume you’re asking and will instead address this literally.

Apples are plentiful, tasty, and a great fruit. Androids are robotic monsters that look just like us.

Apples can go rotten fairly easily. Androids will live forever after they replace us.

Apples make for a great pie. Androids do not taste good in pie.

I’m still gonna go with androids because I like Westworld.

What’s your favorite Christmas Song? – Nick from Mansfield

This was addressed in the ice cream truck question. Specifically the linked version too.

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Appearance: An off-white head with really big craters lifts the eyes up at first. The beer itself is clear and moderately effervescent with a pleasing dark straw color.

Smell: Wet hay that had only just been ready to get baled and now you have to wait for three sunny days in a row so it can get dry enough. It’s incredibly frustrating and you’re ready to just get to work.

Taste: Medium body, fairly crisp. It has a sharp spiciness and tastes of malt with an herbaceous aftertaste. All of the flavors are very tame and not really pronounced. Very generic outside of the decent spice.

Overall: My biggest takeaway was that the head really thins out quickly. This felt like someone tried to make the prototypical APA and muted it down on almost all aspects. 63/100. I’d still definitely drink it in a pinch, but I wouldn’t be particularly happy about it.

Up Next: Some other Costco beer.