Jack Facts

The following are Jack facts. Do with them what you see fit.

  • Did you know that in order to save money Jack’s mom insisted that her children nurse until they were seven? Of course her bags were dry so their father handled those duties.
  • Jack once left a steakhouse a one star review on Yelp because they didn’t have Hamburger Helper.
  • When Jack is looking for a quick snack he eats some of the bugs trapped in his anal bramble.
  • Jack once sat next to a 348 lbs. woman on a bus and eight stops later she was only 104 lbs; having lost all the weight from trembling in fear.
  • That beeping sound you hear around Jack? In 1997 he ate a dozen tamagotchis and now they are all dying.
  • Jack wrote “touch a lady’s boobies” in his wish journal when he was seven and has used every birthday and shooting star wish since on making it come true.
  • Jack doesn’t aim when he pees because his mom taught him that was her job when he was a kid and never learned to do it himself.
  • Jack can’t eat at Arby’s because someone once told him that in real life most vaginas look like an opened up roast beef sandwich and this knowledge traumatized him.
  • Jack once successfully seduced his mother by deep-throating salami.
  • Jack got fired from his job as a scarecrow because he kept complaining to HR about the birds bullying him.
  • As a teen, whenever Jack told his mom that he was hungry she just put out a cigarette on his chest. If you connect the dots it spells out all of ‘Mein Kampf’.

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