Tearing Me Apart

Two drunk men are in bed, rolling around under the covers while the hit R&B song “You Are My Rose” plays slightly too loudly. There are mentions of spiral staircases, who is the hottest Final Fantasy summon, and who cats love more.

Cut to the famous “painted ladies” of San Francisco. (Provided by Shannon Ransom’s Shitty B-Roll of the Bay Area, a VIACOM company.)

Cut to THE ROOM.

Troy: So I’m having Shannon over this weekend. Can you help clean up?

Jack: When is it?

Troy: When is the weekend? This weekend.

Jack: Oh.

Troy: You can bring someone if you want.

Jack: Well, sure, I can come. But I don’t know if I’ll bring anybody. Oh! That jerk Harold. He wants me to give him a share of my house. That house belongs to me. He has no right. I’m not giving him a piece of gold. Who does he think he is?

Troy: Your guild mate?

Jack: He’s always bugging me about my house. Fifteen years ago, we agreed, that house belongs to me. Now the value of the house is going up and he’s seeing gold coins. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m disabled.

Troy: You’re not disabled, Jack.

Jack: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have autism.

Troy: Well that explains some things. Everything will be fine. They’re treating lots of people every day.

Jack: I’m sure I’ll be alright. Oh! I heard Akame is talking about me. She is a hateful cunt. Oh, I’m so glad I divorced her.

Troy: Isn’t that the name of the body pillow you had that was starting to grow mushrooms?

Jack: Well at least you have a good man.

Troy: You’re wrong! Jack, he’s not what you think he is. He didn’t win on his 10 game parlay. And he got drunk last night. And he hit me.

Jack: Shannon doesn’t drink! What are you talking about?

Troy: He did last night. And I don’t cuddle him anymore.

Jack: Shannon is your primary source of warmth. You can’t afford to ignore this.

Troy: Yeah, okay Jack. Can I just talk to you later?

Jack: You don’t want to talk to me.

Troy: I have a real job, friends, and a social life. Can I just talk to you later?

Jack: Okay. I will see you later. Bye bye.

Jack exits. Cut to an exterior shot of the house.

Cut to the room. Danielle and Bill enter, nervously.

Danielle: How much time do we have?

Bill: I dunno, uh, a couple hours? At least.

Danielle: Well, let’s have some fun.

They sit on the couch and Bill opens a box of hair ties.

Bill: Did you, uh, know, that hair is the symbol of love?

Danielle: (laughing) ponytail me.

Bill puts a hair tie in Danielle’s hair and then makes out with her. He puts a hair tie in her mouth, sticks his hair in, and slowly pulls it out into a perfect ponytail.

Danielle: Yum!

Bill: It’s delicious!

Danielle: Arms up! (she takes off Bill’s shirt) Hair is a symbol of love.

Danielle places her hair in Bill’s mouth and then makes out with him. She starts to go down on him, although he begins reacting with comically exaggerated orgasm faces before she’s in position to do anything.

Cut to an exterior shot of the painted ladies.

Cut to the room, where Bill and Danielle are startled by Troy and Jack entering.

Jack: Hello? What are these characters doing here?

Troy: They like to come here to take their… poops.

Jack: What poops?

Troy: Jack, this is Danielle’s boyfriend Bill. Bill, this is my roommate.

Bill: It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Jack: Mm.

Danielle: Uh-huh.

Bill and Danielle exit.

Jack: Unh. Oh, all that shopping for potatoes and milk wore me out.

Rachel enters.

Rachel: Hi Troy.

Troy: Hey Rachel. Rachel, this is my roommate. Jack, this is Rachel.

Jack: How many friends do you have? This is worse than a hot chick’s Twitch stream!

Rachel: I just need to borrow some eggs.

Troy: Help yourself, Rachel.

Rachel: I also need a cup of milk and half a stick of Velveeta.

Jack: Doesn’t your home have a kitchen?

Rachel: I’ll come back later.

Rachel exits.

Jack: Tell me, what does Rachel do?

Troy: Shannon wanted to cuddle Rachel. It’s really a tragedy how many girls out there don’t haven’t slept with a Black guy. When Rachel turned twenty-one, Shannon got her drunk and put on his one move. Shannon really likes Rachel even though he doesn’t say it much. He’s like a drunk uncle to her. I told you, Jack, Shannon is very caring about the people in his life. And he gave Rachel her own pan of pot brownies.

Jack: Please, don’t hurt Shannon. Now if you really don’t love him, so be it, but you should tell him.

Bill enters.

Bill: I forgot my, uh, book.

He grabs a book but somehow this leads to Jack holding his underwear

Jack: What’s this?

Everyone laughs.

Bill: That’s nothing!

Bill takes the underwear and exits as everyone continues to laugh.

Jack: Poops!

Troy: (laughing) Don’t worry about it.

Jack: If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.

Troy: You have to have a friend to have a best friend.

Jack: You know I worry about you. I have to go to my room for 22 hours.

Troy: Okay, Jack.

Jack: Bye bye.

Jack exits.

Troy: (sighing) Oh my god.

Cut to exterior shot of the San Francisco skyline.