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Do you think Sanders still has a shot at the Democratic nomination? – Lyle, Huber Heights
I seriously need to answer these e-mails in a more timely fashion.
How old is too old to be getting into fist fights? – Anonymous
I think this all really depends on context. If you’re on the beach building a sandcastle for your best gal and some street tough kicks it over and takes your girl then you’re morally obligated to spend months working out so that you can challenge him to a fight and win back your woman because for some reason in these scenarios women are property.
Stop getting in fights. It’s dumb. Have a couple drinks and talk it out. Then poison the other guy.
How do you feel about Hamilton? – John, for Cincinnati.
Anyone that doesn’t like it is a racist or descendant of Aaron Burr.
Ur gay – [expletive deleted], from [expletive deleted]
I’m starting college this fall and I’m really nervous about it. Any tips? – Harrison, from Dayton
If you’re living in dorms make sure to befriend the RA. They’ll be less likely to fuck with you. Also try to identify all the cool people on your floor and try to hang out with them. Join a couple clubs and hang out with those people too. Just be as social as you can because you’re gonna have less time for it in later years.
Don’t take too many classes and don’t take any of your classes too seriously. Remember that the world isn’t over if you fail a test. Go to a professor’s office hours twice and they will remember you for some time after the class is over. Every week, try to ask at least two questions in your various classes.
Watch what you eat and don’t party too hard too early. Learn the rules to beer pong. Ease into it. Play safe. Have fun.
Appearance: This is the most carbonated beer I’ve ever seen. Giant bubbles for a seemingly never ending stream of carbon dioxide pushing up towards the surface. A enormous, pure-white head is born from this and it keeps for much longer than you’d expect for this sort of beer. It has that unfortunate urine-of-a-dehydrated-person yellow that is the standard for an American pale lager, but if that’s the ideal I suppose it’s fine.
Smell: Moldy breakfast cereal. This is why we don’t buy beer in clear or green bottles. The aroma is totally one note and it’s a pretty sour one at that.
Taste: Unpleasant. The body is weak and watery; something that does a great disservice to those gorgeous bubbles. A little thicker and this could be a perfectly crisp beer, a standard by which others could measure themselves.
It tastes like the smell of a book you accidentally spilled water on and now you’ve taken to airing it out with a hair dryer. Fortunately there’s no aftertaste and the body is thin enough to keep it from lingering on the tongue. This is one of the most boring tasting beers I’ve ever had. It has flavor, but that flavor is solely that of weak malt covered up by decay.
Overall: I’m still mesmerized by the bubbles. They may get a bit weaker as time goes on, but even then it seems more active than half of the other beers out there. If this was a beauty contest, this beer would win the pale lager category. Unfortunately, beer is for drinking and I never want to drink this again. 36/100
Up Next: Expect a bunch of terrible beers from the nearby gas station!
This election sure has been something, hasn’t it? – Phil from Riverside
No. Who talks like this? I’m not some person you ran into in the break room and now you need to think of some small talk or else you start breathing and blinking manually. Don’t do this. You’re better than this Phil. I believe in you. Phil 2016!
Any idea who you’re voting for? – Melissa from Akron
Do you not keep up with the website? I just said Phil 2016.
I’m having trouble losing weight and Summer is almost here. I don’t want to do that thing where I wear a T-shirt in the pool. Any advice? – Jamie from Memphis
Okay, well this could go several ways. If you’re a dude, you should probably just own it. I don’t think anyone cares anymore. Otherwise, I advise bulimia.
If you’re a woman, my advice is exactly the same because I believe that we’re all equal.
How much do you make from this website? – Anonymous
About -$30 a year. The whole plan was to trick beer fests into giving me press passes, but that hasn’t panned out. Time to fill this thing with ads and to start selling cheaply made merchandise.
I recently started flossing a lot more often. At first there was a lot of blood, but after a few months everything usually comes out pretty clear. My mouth feels cleaner and it’s not that much extra work everyday. How do I make women feel safe around me? – Brad from Columbus
Stop talking about your teeth you god damn serial killer. If you’re really that desperate to lure a woman into your murder dungeon just put an ad on craigslist for free furniture of something. They’ll come and then you can take their teeth or whatever it is you do. Keep us updated.
If you have questions just find us on Twitter and Facebook. Like and follow and find true loves kiss! You can also e-mail, but make sure you mention something about increasing the size of my erection in the subject line. Otherwise it might go to spam.
Appearance: Boxed white zinfandel that’s been allowed to slowly congeal over time. Like if you cut off a troll’s head and collected its blood in a vial in order to complete a quest.
Smell: The medicine you hated most as a child. It makes me think about all the bad things that have ever happened.
Taste: Upon first sip I suddenly remembered where I was on 9/11. Not 2001, though. 2010 was way worse for me on a personal level. It’s when I learned about the other 9/11.
This just tastes like cotton candy and shortcake. On the mouth it feels like when you know the dentist is done with the procedure, but it taking their time before they let you rinse your mouth out.
Overall: Why does this product exist? I am, however, slowly becoming addicted. I think this is what it feels like to get into heroin. I get that now. 1/100.
Up Next: Heroin!
So it’s election season, what do you think about the candidates? – Jeff from Columbus
What can I say about these candidates that hasn’t already been said in the YouTube comments of a clip from a monster truck rally? I guess I’ll give it a go.
Bernie Sanders – I’m like 60% certain he was created when Seth Rogen stepped into a teleportation machine while holding all of George Orwell’s books and a copy of Spaceballs.
Hillary Clinton – She seems like the person on the police squad that’s one day away from retirement and is just tired of this bullshit. She just wants one day of peace.
Ted Cruz – I’m fairly certain Dracula wasn’t born in the United States. I want to see his birth certificate.
Marco Rubio – Remember that kid in your circle of friends that didn’t understand when you were making fun of him? Then, at some point, he sort of catches on and tries to find some sweet jokes on the internet, but everyone knows what he’s doing and he just gets more frustrated. That kid.
John Kasich – He’s the neighbors dog looking at you through the window while you’re having a good time with your own pets. Also, he has some weird shit going on with North Korea.
Donald Trump – A really charismatic jack-o-lantern that learned how to turn our nation’s underlying racism and xenophobia into votes. He’s what happens when you build a platform based on dog-whistle politics and the dog finally decides to show up.
Read anything good lately? – Gina from Grand Rapids
You ever read the back of a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Way more anti-Semitic than you’d expect.
This website sucks – Anonymous
I am well aware.
Who do you think will be the first big celebrity death of 2016? – Mike from NYC
I really gotta start answering these e-mails in a more timely fashion.
Which Chicken McNugget dipping sauce from McDonald’s is best? – Kent from Indianapolis
I don’t even know what all the sauce options are. Why don’t they have that displayed somewhere? You order nuggets and they ask what sauce you want as if this is just a thing everyone is prepared to answer without more information. What are they hiding back there that we don’t know about?
I usually go for a honey mustard, but I’ll mix in the spicy buffalo sauce on a good day. This was a good question and I’m gonna give it the full attention it deserves next time I’m at Mickey Ds. I’ll request one of each sauce and have a tasting. Keep on the lookout for that in the future.
Remmeber, if you want your questions answered you should get with us on Twitter and Facebook. Like and follow or I might die! You can also e-mail, but it’ll probably go to spam because I just assume any person doing that is trying to steal my identity or tomato sauce recipe.
Appearance: I hate starting reviews like this, but this is just beautiful. From the striking color reminiscent of polished mahogany, the cloudiness that just barely lets you see thousands of energized bubbles, all leading up to a remarkably creamy head that just explodes as you pour this thing.
It’s all so good, but I feel like the head deserves special recognition. It’s almost like whipped cream in consistency. It has a nutty color that compliments the rich color of the beer. This looks like something you’d see in a TV commercial. I hope this ends well because I’ve really hyped this up for myself.
Smell: Strong malt up front, followed by butterscotch, toasted bread, and some hops.
Taste: It’s very slick and light-bodied. You can pick up the bubbles, but not as much as I would have thought.
Lots of caramel notes and lots of sweetness from the toasted malt, but the hops cut through in a great way to keep things interesting. The bitterness and grassy flavor from the hops really helps to offset what could be overbearing sweetness.
It finishes with those bitter hops and really sticks to the tongue. It’s like it’s setting you up for the rush of sweetness from your next sip.
Overall: This was fun. I’m not usually big on red ale, but I’ll be buying this again. Pulling that sweet liquid through the creamy head was a delight. It wasn’t overly complex and it’s not gonna set any records, but it’s a gorgeous beer that would be great for a session under the sun with a few good friends. 89/100.
Up Next: No clue!
Dude, are you okay? – Glenn, from Spokane
Who would win in a fight between a kraken and every main villain from the Die Hard film series? – Anonymous
Well there’s several issues with this question that make it impossible to answer.
First, where is this fight taking place? On dry land the kraken is toast, but in the depths of the sea I imagine Hans Gruber would be crushed by the pressure of the ocean.
Second, I’ve never seen the fifth Die Hard movie so for all I know that guy specialized in hunting down creatures from the deep sea or maybe he’s part narwhal. I’ve also never met a kraken, but I think I get the gist of their capabilities.
All things considered, I’m giving this one to the kraken, assuming that he isn’t forced to wear a racist sandwich board in the middle of Harlem.
What do you think the ninja turtles’ stance on ethics in video games journalism would be? – Troy from Dublin
Raphael: Doesn’t care, but will jump on any opportunity to send anonymous death threats to women on Twitter.
Donatello: Too fucking smart to care.
Leonardo: Very much against the actions of the movement.
Michelangelo: Busy actually enjoying video games.
What’s your dream job? What do you want to accomplish? – Mom from [redacted]
That’s two questions. You’re only allowed to ask one question.
I’ll answer the second one: To one day beat Jackie Robinson’s record of being the first Black man to play Major League Baseball.
Appearance: Super clear with almost zero carbonation. The head puffs up nicely and lasts longer than you’d think before it settles into a reasonably thick white ring. A very pale color like that of straw after a few days of drying.
Smell: Well it’s great that I brought up straw earlier ’cause this smells like hay that wasn’t given enough time to dry before it was loaded up into the loft; musty, grainy, stale.
Taste: I’m willing to concede that this beer has a pleasant mouthfeel, but that’s it. It’s got a nice medium-body and feels a little slippery. The actual taste is muted, but one can get a bit of grain with a malty finish. It still has a bit of that smell in it which isn’t very pleasant.
Overall: 49 out of 100 and that feels too generous. I’d take PBR or High Life instead.
Up Next: There’s a bunch already written, but I’m lazy so who knows?
What do you think about women nursing in public? – Donna from Butte
100% support. Not only do we get a display of public nudity, but we get to see all of the reactions of people trying not to stare. I just wish those babies would learn to share.
I’m looking to get into juggling or yo-yo tricks soon, but I’m worried that people will think I’m weird if I spend a lot of time doing those things. Do I just need more self-esteem or is this a bad idea? – Clark from Huntsville
Go to a bar and make friends the normal way.
Why do these kids wear their pants so low? – Mary
I dunno. Rap music? Lack of belts? Barack Obama secretly orchestrated it as a means of further dividing the races in part of his plans to ruin America? Those are all equally plausible.
What can I do to spruce up my online dating profile? Melissa from Beaver Creek
Why aren’t you posting anything? – Nate from Washington D.C.
I’ve been working on a lot of new TV show pitches. Here are some of my ideas. Feedback is appreciated:
Fingering Kids: Profiles of Candy Thieves – A show about catching kids that steal candy at the check out lines of grocery stores. It’s like To Catch a Predator, but not at all.
Which Way Do They Wipe – A dating show that tries to pair people together by which way they wipe.
Celebrity Face Swap – We use Face/Off technology to let Steve Buscemi and Channing Tatum spend a week in one another’s shoes. Each episode ends with a boat chase and fight to the death.
Mike Tyson Reads Young Adult Novels – Exactly what it sounds like. Accompanied by still pictures of scenes from the books drawn by severely autistic teens.
Face Swap – A way more boring version of Celebrity Face Swap.
Well that mail was just as awful as usual. Please, for the love of whichever god you foolishly throw money at, send me some better e-mail. The address is SpamIgnore@Boozeandwhatever.cum. There’s also fun stuff on the Facebook page (Like Who Would Win Tuesdays (We’re legally prohibited from using Wednesday))and Twitter feed (parentheses) so get down on it. Here’s the review…
Appearance: Perfectly clear, obscured only by a stream of thick bubbles that seem to have an inexhaustible source. A lightly-hued goldenrod beer with a surprisingly long-lasting, medium head. It’s not pretty, but it looks pretty good for what it is.
Smell: One-note; a weak, wet grain. If you’ve ever been on a farm waiting for hay to dry before you can bale it, this is the smell the morning after an unexpected light rain.
Taste: Not good, but unoffensive. It has a light to medium body, tastes only of a lightly kilned malt, and other than a slightly unpleasant aftertaste of a better beer that’s been left to sit out for too long, there’s not much else going on here.
Overall: I expected this to be much worse than it was. That said, this was pretty bad and I’m upset that I have to finish this. 41/100. This was strange beer.
Up Next: Something Gimmicky!
What did you think about Mayweather/Pacquiao? – John from Atlanta
I was pretty drunk for most of it, but I distinctly remember watching it from my local dive and some homeless man shitting himself on a bar stool after drinking about 10 cups of the complimentary coffee they put out. I enjoyed that more than the fight.
Who’s your dream girl? – Liz
Way to objectify half of the world’s population. How dare you assume that I’m into women? It’s 2015 and this is a very progressive website.
Also, it’s Emma Roberts or Lizzy Caplan. I want to own them as property.
Summer’s coming up soon. Any tips to make this one to remember? – Kathleen from Columbus, OH
Don’t leave your drink unattended.
This website used to be funny. – Mike from Peoria
No it didn’t. I don’t know what would lead you to believe that. This is a legitimate place for serious business.
You seem like the kind of person that’s had some issues with alcohol. It’s getting pretty bad for me and I was wondering if you had any tips on battling addiction or at least managing it. – Anonymous
I’ve yet to encounter a problem that couldn’t be solved by drinking more.
Well that was that. Send in your own e-mail questions and please try to keep the racial slurs down to a minimum. Not because we’re offended, but just putting a question mark after the N-word is a very confusing question. Like, do you want to know if I’m Black or are you offering one for trade? Use your words.
Appearance: Impregnable darkness. A wispy thin head that reminds me of a marshmallow after just 5 seconds over a campfire. It laces quite nicely too. Very little carbonation.
Smell: You get pretty much what you’d expect with something named after a French dessert. An almost cloying saccharine aroma hits you as soon as the bottle opens. There’s also a fair bit of vanilla, dark chocolate, and caramel.
Taste: A very thin body, but it still has a pleasing mouthfeel that manages to encourage me to go back for more. The strong sweet flavors are more tempered than I had expected, but it still feels like a bit much. Toasted nuts, toffee, and maybe something reminiscent of sweetened condensed milk.
The taste hits you pretty quickly and doesn’t leave you with much. There’s just a slight lingering sweetness.
Overall: This was not a bad beer and it delivered on it’s promise so I have to review it with that in mind. It wouldn’t be fair to review this like a normal stout because that’s not what they were going for. That being said, I had some issues with the strong sugar smell and the flavor profile. 76/100
Up Next: Something Bad!