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Booze and Other Nonsense

~ Musings of a psychopathic alcoholic, raconteurs, film buff, and more!

Booze and Other Nonsense

Category Archives: Humor

2019 Year End Lists

01 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by Vodka Barf in Humor, Lists

≈ Leave a comment

The year is over. Here’s the lists.

Races

5 – Marathon
4 – 100 Yard Dash
3 – Mile
2 – Hurdles
1 – 5K

Non-Chicken Eggs

5 – Spider
4 – Quail
3 – Duck
2 – Grey Alien
1 – Owl
 
Cats

5 – Larry
4 – Cat
3 – The Admiral
2 – Cappuccino
1 – Missy
 
Films of 2019

5 – Spider Man: Far From Home
4 – Good Boys
3 – Us
2 – John Wick 3
1 – Midsommar
 
Egg Preparations

5 – Basted
4 – Sunny-Side Up
3 – Poached
2 – Over Easy
1 – Soft Boiled
 
Worst Things

5 – Christmas
4 – Donald Trump
3 – Dave from Accounting
2 – Cleveland Browns
1 – Donald Trump
 
Fruits

5 – Bing Cherry
4 – Pears
3 – Grapes
2 – Tomato
1 – Peaches

Condiments

5 – Gravy
4 – Mayonnaise
3 – Avocado Slices
2 – Sriracha
1 – Spicy Brown Mustard

The Electric Whiskey Honey Test.

28 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by Mister Bits in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Hallucinogenichoney_FeaturedImage720x410-640x360

“….You write a review…I want more but not if i have to work the next day...That was a mistake…”  -unknown-

“…Lemme think…I’m rolling so it will be a good one…”  -the cob monster-

“Where’s the beef?” -Shannon-

If you happen to find yourself in a shit region, in a shit state, in a medium ok city, you may be right down the street from a mythical creature. He’s about about 4 feet tall at the hump, golden brown fur, and loves stepping out on his porch for a refreshing Parliament. This bear, like all bears, loves honey. Not only that, he was also stung by 1,000 bees.  How did he survive? He ate the mutha fucking honey. What the bees didn’t tell him was that they were smoking on the fire and the one time came knocking. Long story short, they put a shit load of weed in the honey.

Appearance: Light brown. golden honey. Attractive, with a light fog.

Smell: Sweet.

Taste: Sweet but balanced. Some bitter/pungent undertones (overtones? i can’t tell anymore these days my tastebuds are shot…)

Overall: 89/100 The Honey was nearly perfect but the whiskey and mixer could use an upgrade (but I’ll still drink it every day)

Up Next: Psych-grass: good idea or bad idea? I think so… 

 

Soda Shaq Review #1: Strawberry Cream Soda

22 Sunday May 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Humor, Reader Mail

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

9/11, cream, equality, mail, President, shaq, soda, strawberry, t-shirt, teeth

May Reader Mail

This election sure has been something, hasn’t it? – Phil from Riverside

No. Who talks like this? I’m not some person you ran into in the break room and now you need to think of some small talk or else you start breathing and blinking manually. Don’t do this. You’re better than this Phil. I believe in you. Phil 2016!

Any idea who you’re voting for? – Melissa from Akron

Do you not keep up with the website? I just said Phil 2016.

I’m having trouble losing weight and Summer is almost here. I don’t want to do that thing where I wear a T-shirt in the pool. Any advice? – Jamie from Memphis

Okay, well this could go several ways. If you’re a dude, you should probably just own it. I don’t think anyone cares anymore. Otherwise, I advise bulimia.

If you’re a woman, my advice is exactly the same because I believe that we’re all equal.

How much do you make from this website? – Anonymous

About -$30 a year. The whole plan was to trick beer fests into giving me press passes, but that hasn’t panned out. Time to fill this thing with ads and to start selling cheaply made merchandise.

I recently started flossing a lot more often. At first there was a lot of blood, but after a few months everything usually comes out pretty clear. My mouth feels cleaner and it’s not that much extra work everyday. How do I make women feel safe around me? – Brad from Columbus

Stop talking about your teeth you god damn serial killer. If you’re really that desperate to lure a woman into your murder dungeon just put an ad on craigslist for free furniture of something. They’ll come and then you can take their teeth or whatever it is you do. Keep us updated.

If you have questions just find us on Twitter and Facebook. Like and follow and find true loves kiss! You can also e-mail, but make sure you mention something about increasing the size of my erection in the subject line. Otherwise it might go to spam.


DSCN0405

The hills are alive with the sound of backboards being shattered.

Appearance: Boxed white zinfandel that’s been allowed to slowly congeal over time. Like if you cut off a troll’s head and collected its blood in a vial in order to complete a quest.

Smell: The medicine you hated most as a child. It makes me think about all the bad things that have ever happened.

Taste: Upon first sip I suddenly remembered where I was on 9/11. Not 2001, though. 2010 was way worse for me on a personal level. It’s when I learned about the other 9/11.

This just tastes like cotton candy and shortcake. On the mouth it feels like when you know the dentist is done with the procedure, but it taking their time before they let you rinse your mouth out.

Overall: Why does this product exist? I am, however, slowly becoming addicted. I think this is what it feels like to get into heroin. I get that now. 1/100.

Up Next: Heroin!

Vaccinations and Whiskey: What Big Pharma Doesn’t Want You to Know

12 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

“If people vaccinated their kids, there wouldn’t be a measles outbreak.”

“People shouldn’t drink alcohol until they’re 21. Giving booze to a kid would be abuse!”

“Homeopathy doesn’t work! And there’s no evidence that getting your kid drunk will cure their diseases!”

“You’re an idiot for thinking vaccines cause autism. Your kids are all dumb and you didn’t vaccinate them, how do you explain that?!”

Do these italicized remarks sound familiar to you? If so, you might just be part of the cool small group of people who actually know what’s going on in the world. Congratulations. Most mortals will never figure out that all of society is out to get them; that so-called “do-gooders” lurk around every corner, waiting to harm their children while joyously screaming, “It’s for your own good!”. Luckily you and your children will be safe and sound, thanks to you and your magical reasoning powers. It takes someone brave, someone with an unbelievable mind, to stand in the face of a mountain of evidence and say, “NO. I know the truth.” It takes someone like you, and someone like me, to say no to vaccines.

Now that we’re on this journey together, I thought we could discuss some actual, proven, beneficial ways to treat your child’s illness.

Whiskey:

Treats most ailments. The active ingredient is called “ethanol”, which sounds like a chemical, but it’s old, so it isn’t a chemical. It’s a natural product, so naturally, it works. My child had the flu so I gave her one shot of whiskey every eight hours until her symptoms improved. After three days, her treatment was complete as she only had a mild headache. Whiskey effectively cured my daughter of influenza. Can pharmaceutical companies do that? No.

Big pharmaceutical companies would tell me I should have gotten the flu vaccine for my child, but flu vaccines don’t work and make kids autistic. My method cures the flu, but of course pharmaceutical companies would never recognize that because they just want to make money.

Chanting (yelling, singing, or impersonating Will Ferrell will also work):

This method is not as effective as whiskey, but is powerful in that there are no chemicals involved. There is only air and sound, which contain no chemicals and no toxins. If your child is sensitive to chemicals, even ancient ones like those found in whiskey, chanting or chanting substitutions should be used. My child had food poisoning once and after twelve hours of chanting, she felt much better.

The CDC would say that I should cook my food longer to prevent food poisoning, but that’s because they’re in cahoots with big electric companies that want me to keep my stove on longer. Chanting cures food poisoning. Cooking food longer causes autism, and you could die of dysentery if you eat overcooked food.

Hair of old man:

Though it may be difficult to find, hair of old man is one of the most effective ways of treating illness. Because an old man has lived to an old age, his hair contains health-promoting properties. Simply put the hair in a locket and place the locket on your child. For stronger treatment, more hair and more time wearing the locket will suffice. If you have trouble getting hair from an old man, you may find it easier to make a request on craigslist personals (see also: Trolling Craigslist).

It’s simple: natural methods simply make more sense than using vaccines or medicines made by the government. Natural methods are non-profit, unlike the government, which will try to get our hard-earned money at any cost. The three methods I shared with you today are only the most common and effective means of treating illness. For hundreds of other ways to treat illness, either send me an email or subscribe to our weekly newsletter, “Smart Choice Alternative Medicine”–S.C.A.M. for short. The newsletter is only $5 a week, or $300 for our year long bonus offer!

And remember, DO NOT use beer to treat illness. Beer contains carbon dioxide, which is a known toxin. It also does not contain enough ethanol to effectively treat a child. If whiskey can’t be found, other spirits high in alcohol can be used.

Coca-Cola Plus–Awesome, or Even Awesomer?

21 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Have you been feeling fatigued? Lame? Is that 2:30 feeling getting you down? Wish you could last a little longer in bed, perhaps up to twenty four hours longer? Do you wish you could lose weight without all the effort? Well, it sounds like you might need some ice cold, refreshing Coca Cola Plus.

Coca Cola Plus is a new, revolutionary product that contains NMPPA*, a natural ingredient made by organic scientists in laboratories. NMPPA is an activator of several natural neurotransmitters in the brain and is found in the body naturally after consuming Coca Cola Plus. The activation of the neurotransmitters is what activates all of the good-feeling energy that you get after drinking it.

9 out of 10 scientists that we included in our survey agree that drinking a can of Coca Cola Plus is a healthier and safer alternative to napping, exercising regularly, or having a cold glass of water. Dr. Hooba of Cornell explains, “Cold water is sometimes too cold.  Exercising can be taxing on the body, causing stress fractures or fatal bike accidents. Napping can make you even more tired, and once you go to sleep, how do you know you’ll wake up?” It’s simple–Coca Cola Plus is a much safer way to feel energized. Make sure to give Coca Cola Plus to your children so they’ll stay safe too and grow up nice and strong.

You may be asking yourself, what can Coca Cola Plus do for you? Perhaps a better question would be, “What can it not do?” Coca Cola Plus can help you wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, and it can make you feel like a hero even when you’re a zero, all for just $1.69. It can keep you fucking all through the night and to the next morning until you wish it would just stop. It can give you the irresistible feeling of having bugs crawling on your face without actually having to be exposed to the West Nile Virus. Coca Cola Plus is love. Coca Cola Plus is life. Drink Coca Cola Plus, and never stop.

*N-methyl-1-phenylpropan-2-amine

 

The Queer Identity You’ve Never Heard About — TransGod

16 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Humor

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

social justice, transgod

Greg Brown is a 21 year old student living with his two roommates and his cat. He bikes to work, loves pizza and plays first person shooter games. If you met him, you’d probably think he’s just a regular guy, like you and me, but he’s not a guy. He’s a God. Most people, including myself before I met Greg, have never even heard of transGodness. Being one of the least known queer identities, it’s very difficult for transGods to come out, and it’s even more difficult for them to be taken seriously when they do. “There isn’t even an option for it, on anything. People just automatically assume you’re human. Things are really mortalcentric these days.” Greg says that his parents laughed at him when he told them about his identity, and that other people have merely shrugged it off, as if what he was saying was a nuisance. “What people don’t understand is that by not following my every command, they’re disrespecting the fiber of my very being,” says Greg. “I’ve known I was a God since I was a young kid and people just don’t understand that.”

Gods and Allies, a quickly growing social justice group, may be the only supporters of the movement so far. “I think my brother should be respected like everyone else,” says Allie Brown, one of the Allies in Gods and Allies. “Most people say he’s being ridiculous, that he’s schizophrenic, or even blasphemous when he tells people about his identity. But there’s nothing unnatural about being a God”. Allie says that she has also been made fun of and ostracized for taking her brother’s side on the issue. She has even received death threats via twitter.

Death threats unfortunately aren’t a new thing in the transGod movement. TransGod people have been persecuted for thousands of years. Jesus Christ, one of the first people to come out as transGod, was brutally killed for his identity. Even today, many religions hold the belief that claiming to be a God is sacrilegious, worthy of eternal punishment. The DSM-IV-TR classifies transGod people as having grandiose delusions, which is insulting the movement, and no doubt hinders it. Scientists, one of the largest transGod hate groups, even go so far as to say that people can’t be immortal.

Greg Brown hopes that many people will donate to the cause, saying that the money will be used to grant rights to transGod people, but he didn’t say how. If you would like to donate to Gods and Allies, just click here, and help the world become a better place.

Beer Review #52: Samuel Smith’s Imperial Stout

08 Monday Jul 2013

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Humor

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

I'm fond of you!, Imperial Stout, Samuel Smith, Sandy Hook

A good friend of mine asked me today, “What do you call a six-year-old kid with no friends?” Being a man of integrity I had no idea what the answer could be so, “what?” I asked. “A Sandy Hook” survivor, he replied with a terrible grin on his face.

I don’t like jokes that make light of tragedy. Think of what those parents had to go through: funeral catalogs. They had to go through funeral catalogs. On to the review.

It's a picture of beer. Why are you reading this?

It’s a picture of beer. Why are you reading this?

Appearance: An unforgiving dark brown that sits like motor oil in the glass. The head is an ever-lasting mocha color that billows up quite nicely and provides generous aesthetic. The head laces nicely down the glass, leaving a trail that celebrates how quickly I’m drinking.

Smell: The typical sweetness of an almost burnt malt that’s normal for a stout. There’s also a dark roasted coffee scent and dried fruit, raisins perhaps.

Taste: With every drink this beer simply takes over one’s mouth. The thick potent potable just coated every inch of space with its espresso and powerful malt. A bitterness soon takes over that serves to emphasize the greatness of the sweet tastes. There’s a very subtle, yet complex, fruitiness that, when detected, makes this drinker swoon.

Overall: This was more than a pleasure. I’m a vocal porter/stout snob so this was right in my wheelhouse. 86/100. I already want more of this. Send some to me damn you! Facebook and Twitter. Follow me dammit.

Up Next: Bass Stout… ewwww….

Beer Review #51: Lagunitas Undercover Investigation Shut -Down Ale

29 Saturday Jun 2013

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Ale, Lagunitas, Limerick, Omar Sharif, queef, Stout, Undercover Invesitgation

I wrote a limerick. Feel free to use it:

I once dined with Omar Sharif.

Whose wife made a banquet of beef.

Instead of her mouth,

She shoved it down south,

And gave me mad cow with a queef.

Here’s today’s review. Find me on Facebook and Twitter. I promise to not dig up your relatives.

Appearance: A beautiful rich, dark honey brown color tempts my eyes in an almost unfair way. An off-white to almost yellow head laces majestically in the inside of my glass that only serves to swell my temptation. It’s remarkably clear with a moderate amount of carbonation; all of these qualities combining to make this reviewer drool.

Lagunitas UndercoverSmell: There’s a subtle citrus note with grass and sweetness; I’d liken it to walking outside to your garden after the rain on a hot day.

Taste: A stark contrast to the smell, a great hoppy bitterness envelopes the mouth, every bit of surface area blissfully screaming because of the skillful balance offered by the sweetness. The aftertaste is just a slow burn of more of the hops that holds and holds, not leaving the mouth even minutes after a proper, deep sip.

Overall: The way that the taste of this beer never leaves your mouth is a godsend because I don’t want to lose it. 87/100. I could only dock points because the taste could be very overpowering at times. I loved it, but I could see this being a turnoff for some.

Beer Review #50: 21st Amendment Hell or High Watermelon

18 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Humor

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

21st Amendment, Baby Geniuses, Beer Review, Hell or High Watermelon, Jolly Rancher, Objects, Watermelon

Number 50. Well this took way longer than it should have. A wise man once said to me that you can use a thermometer to tell if a woman is ovulating. I felt pretty uneasy then and I have a similar feeling now.

Comedy and drinking are my two main passions, but life has been busy as of late. I’m back in the dating game and trying to raise a baby by myself. Dating is rough because I can’t meet a girls that shares my interests of her having low self-esteem, not eating, and Grand Funk Railroad.

The baby is just… In one word: Disappointing. I know you can’t expect a baby to do much, but I’ve seen “Baby Geniuses” six or seven times and those kids killed Dom Deluise or something; I can’t get through that movie sober.

Anyway, here’s a beer review. Share it, follow me on Twitter (@BoozeTweets), and like the Facebook page for sporadic humor and unreasonable demands.

Hell or High Watermelon

Hell or High Watermelon

Appearance: Murky and golden and volatile, all fun things to look at. The head is a bright white cloud that dissipates so very disappointingly quickly. The color almost seems like what one would stereotypically imagine as the color of beer, a strong yellow with a nice white halo.

Smell: There is a stunningly noticeable watermelon aroma. Not quite like fresh watermelon though, more like the smell one gets with watermelon candy. Also present is a very strong malty sweetness that I find overwhelming.

Taste: I’m a bit thrown off by the watermelon taste. It’s just like having a mouthful of liquefied watermelon jolly ranchers, something that I would probably enjoy, but not when I’m trying to enjoy a beer. This beer is totally lacking in any sort of balance. I’m knocked over the head by the combined sweetness of the watermelon  and malt. The body is nice and there’s a pleasant aftertaste reminiscent of tropical fruit, but the sweetness is just too much.

Overall: This is a great beer to have outside on a hot, sunny Summer day, maybe out by the pool or on the deck for a cookout, but that’s about it. I can’t ever see myself drinking this in any other situation. It’s not terrible, but in my mind it’s not beer. It looks great, I do have to give it that, but looks can rape your mouth with sugar. 58/100

Up Next: A stout. A damn stout in the Summer.

Defending Tradition

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Vodka Barf in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Mirror Lake, OSU

Every year, as an Ohio State student, one receives an e-mail urging them to not jump into Mirror Lake, one of the most awesome traditions ever. The e-mail, which rightfully encourages safety, includes the lines: “Ohio State has many wonderful traditions. The Mirror Lake jump is not one of them. And I strongly encourage you not to participate.”

I decided to reply to that e-mail with the following:

First of all big fan, I love what you’re doing. Unfortunately you’ve missed the mark here. I love safety, it’s one of my few passions (along with lepidoptery and artisanal cheeses), and I also understand that the university has a liability issue to deal with, but saying the the Mirror Lake jump isn’t one of the wonderful traditions of our fine university is an affront to the entire idea of tradition.

Traditions often make little sense, have confusing histories, and can be outright coo coo bananas crazy, but that’s what makes the so endearing. You’re carrying out some action because it’s a part of the identity you’ve elected to take on. If I were English I’d sing “God Save the Queen” before a soccer game and as connoisseur of artisanal cheese I don my traditional snake skin cheese gloves before most meals. These things become a part of what makes the identity relevant. It’s why we, society, works so hard to preserve tradition.

Pass on liability and educate the student on safety, but don’t insult us. It’s  stupid and uncomfortable and downright loony, but it’s also a time of camaraderie, pride, significance and thrill. Don’t sully that. Don’t take that away from anyone. Some of the best have occurred during the week of this game and I hope that every student after me gets a chance to create similar memories. I hope to hear my children tell me about their first jump as OSU freshman. Most importantly, I hope that everyone is safe on Tuesday and you can rest assured that everyone is taking precautions. One of the great things about traditions is that when we share them we are quick to point out the hazards and our tactics for avoiding them. A tribal hunter will ask for advice on his first hunt and underage students will ask me how to get duct tape off of their lower legs without pulling our too much hair. It’s goofy, but it’s ours.

[Image of my e-mail]

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