Category Archives: Beer Review

2020 Year End Lists!

03 Sunday Jan 2021

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Well that was generally awful. I’m holed up with a bunch of booze and I wear a mask while socially distancing out of the home, but I refuse to stop eating exotic animals. It’d be way worse if the zoo just threw a dead giraffe into the trash instead of auctioning it off to distinguished scumbags.

Here are the lists.

TV Shows

5 – The Umbrella Academy
4 – How To with John Wilson
3 – Fargo
2 – The Boys
1 – The Last Dance

Fruit

5 – Kiwi
4 – Lime
3 – Plum
2 – Strawberry
1 – Banana

Cats

5 – The stray in the alley that scares squirrels
4 – Olly
3 – Gremlin
2 – Bip & Bop
1 – Cappuccino

Egg Preparations

5 – Hard-Boiled
4 – Poached
3 – Over Easy
2 – Soft-Boiled
1 – Basted

Condiments

5 – Bread and Butter Pickles
4 – Whole Grain Mustard
3 – Sriracha
2 – Mango Chutney
1 – Pickled Onions

Worst Things

5 – Sidney Powell
4 – Mitch McConnell
3 – The Police (Not the Band)
2 – Donald Trump
1 – Right-Wing Politics

Things I Miss

5 – Going to a Baseball Game
4 – Dick’s Den
3 – The Lives Needlessly Lost to COVID-19
2 – Being with Friends at a Party
1 – Unprotected Sex (No Masks)

Meat

5 – Pork Sausage
4 – Braised Chicken Quarters
3 – Ribeye Steak
2 – Carnitas
1 – Smoked Brisket

Beer Review #87: Kirkland Signature APA (Costco Adventures #1)

13 Thursday Dec 2018

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December Reader Mail

Why isn’t there a Wintertime version of ice cream trucks? – Jan from Van Nuys

This is legitimately a profound question and I’m mad at myself for not having considered it before. I guess you can get a soft pretzel at a food truck, but it’s not the same. Let’s try to break this down.

Obviously, the most important thing to address is the music. What the hell would this thing play? I suppose you could go with your classics like The Entertainer or whatever, but I feel like you’d want something festive. As such, I suggest this Korean guy singing All I want For Christmas is You.

As to what this truck would actually serve; the answer is obviously soups and stews. Not only is a nice soup great for keeping warm in the snow, but it’s also a great weapon if things get serious; like if the guy running a Winter soup truck tries to pull you in to the truck.

Great question Jan and I’m stealing you idea.

I want to start dating a much younger man, but I’m afraid that my family won’t approve. What’s the best way to go about this? – Gayle from Brooklyn

This can be really rough and I understand the problem: people are disgusted by the idea of any old person having sex. The best way to show them that it’s just a normal thing for all people is to just show them a video of you making love followed by a video of you really getting plowed.

I come from a very conservative family so I’ve had to stay in the closet for all of my life. This year, I went to college and I finally feel free. I’m going home for Thanksgiving and I want to finally face my family and tell them about the real me. Any advice? – Anonymous

I know I say this a lot, but I really need to respond to these messages in a more timely manner.

Apple or Android? – Bryan from Parma

I refuse to answer the question that I assume you’re asking and will instead address this literally.

Apples are plentiful, tasty, and a great fruit. Androids are robotic monsters that look just like us.

Apples can go rotten fairly easily. Androids will live forever after they replace us.

Apples make for a great pie. Androids do not taste good in pie.

I’m still gonna go with androids because I like Westworld.

What’s your favorite Christmas Song? – Nick from Mansfield

This was addressed in the ice cream truck question. Specifically the linked version too.

Kirkland APA

Appearance: An off-white head with really big craters lifts the eyes up at first. The beer itself is clear and moderately effervescent with a pleasing dark straw color.

Smell: Wet hay that had only just been ready to get baled and now you have to wait for three sunny days in a row so it can get dry enough. It’s incredibly frustrating and you’re ready to just get to work.

Taste: Medium body, fairly crisp. It has a sharp spiciness and tastes of malt with an herbaceous aftertaste. All of the flavors are very tame and not really pronounced. Very generic outside of the decent spice.

Overall: My biggest takeaway was that the head really thins out quickly. This felt like someone tried to make the prototypical APA and muted it down on almost all aspects. 63/100. I’d still definitely drink it in a pinch, but I wouldn’t be particularly happy about it.

Up Next: Some other Costco beer.

Beer Review #86: Olde English “800”

28 Tuesday Mar 2017

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March Reader Mail

So who do you think is going to win the election? – Tamara C. from Boise

I really need to start posting more regularly…

What dinosaur is best? – Anonymous

Do birds count? Fried chicken.

What’s a nice beer for the Winter? – Dale from Albany

I really, really need to start posting more regularly. Try the Anchor Porter.

I’m going to college this coming Fall. Do you have any advice for incoming Freshman? – Reese from Culver City

Join a couple student groups, don’t be afraid to be turned down, get as much free food as possible, find a liquor that you enjoy, don’t schedule classes before nine, and be confident. Most of all, have fun.

What are you the worst at? – Anonymous

Answering the reader mail.

“Night Moves” is a song by the American singer-songwriter Bob Seger. It was the lead single from his ninth studio album, Night Moves (1976), released on Capitol Records. Seger wrote the song as a coming of age tale about adolescent love and adult memory of it. It was based on Seger’s own teenaged love affair he experienced in the early 1960s. It took him six months to write and was recorded quickly at Nimbus Nine Studios in Toronto, Ontario, with producer Jack Richardson. As much of Seger’s Silver Bullet Band had returned home by this point, the song was recorded with several local session musicians. – Helen W. from New York City

I don’t understand why someone sent me the Wikipedia article for the song Night Moves, but I’ll try to tackle this question.

Don’t go around digging up dead bodies, wearing them, and stalking prostitutes. They are people too. Just give them a twenty and they’ll probably do whatever. They’re people, but they’re also desperate.

Oh, and use a condom.

We have dishonored all of God’s creation

Appearance: Very carbonated with a pale straw color, slightly opaque body, and a white head that hangs around for a bit.

Smell: Just malt.

Taste: Very, very watery mouthfeel with an indescribably unpleasant taste. I legitimately can’t figure out how to describe this. It’s like if you mom was on the phone with your dad and asking why the child support check was late again and then she starts crying. Also, the aftertaste is awful and won’t go away.

Overall: This was an all around terrible experience. I can’t believe that the homeless man in front of the gas station didn’t have the discerning palate that he claimed to have. This is the last time I give any panhandlers any money unless they can recommend a fortified wine to pair with a microwave burrito or maybe offers to assassinate one of my enemies or something. I’ll give this a 12/100 and that’s only because it didn’t look entirely awful. I seriously hope that homeless man was frozen over the Winter.

Up Next: Schlitz, because there is no god.

Beer Review #85: Sam Adams Bonfire Blonde

12 Wednesday Oct 2016

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Adventures In Monotonous Dining Part Deux

Well the Chipotle rewards thing is over. I’m almost back to normal, but because my diet largely consisted of nothing but burritos and wheat beer I think I may have caused irreparable damage to my colon. Was it worth it? No. Let’s start where we left off!

Meal 14: There’s been an interesting wrinkle in my Chipotle visiting experience. The young lady preparing my chorizo bowl started flirting with me so I engaged in some banter in return. Upon checkout she told the cashier that this one was on her and I wasn’t charged. This also meant my Chiptopia Rewards card wasn’t scanned. I have to visit this awful place again. I’m complaining about free food.

Meal 15: Once again I was given free food, but this time I managed to get my card swiped. I’m not trying to formulate a non-creepy way of asking this woman out for a dinner on me.

Meal 16: Someone ordered a bowl with everything on the side save for the rice. Beans, meat, salsa, lettuce, cheese, and everything all had to go into individual containers. I put this person on my list.

Meal 17: Another earned free entree. I go with double carnitas and guac in a bowl. The staff very clearly knows me at this point and my order has been streamlined. I’m a the point where I know if I see a certain person working the line that my food will be awful. I try to avoid them. I usually fail.

Meal 18: I get another free meal from this woman that is clearly in to me. She comments that I look oddly professional today and I mention that I had a job downtown that day. She asks what I do for a living and I tell her that I work in numbers. She is confused. I make sure my card is swiped.

I start getting hot sauce on the side. I live almost two miles from this Chipotle and I usually walk the food home cause the cheese is perfectly melted when I get it home. Unfortunately the sauce cup opened and it went everywhere. I curse the gods.

Meal 19: Maybe I don’t like chorizo so much. There is no God.

Meal 20: When I was a young man, I once saw a man fall down an up escalator. I thought to myself at the time that (no pun intended) it was all downhill from here. I’d never have a better experience. I was right.

Meal 21: Last free entree of the month so I double up on barbacoa and guac. I get an actual burrito this time instead of a bowl. I take a demented pleasure in watching the staff struggle to roll it up. I guess I was the bad guy all along. I put myself on the list of undesirables I’ve been maintaining since this experiment began.

Meal 22: I’m mad because this should have been my last meal, but I had that debacle with the woman giving me free food. I get carnitas. An old lady behind me mentions that she’s never been to Chee-Poe-Lee-Tay before and doesn’t understand how to order. I tell her how to pronounce Chipotle. She scowled at me and then asked what the difference was between brown rice and white rice.

Meal 23: They were out of carnitas so I got the chicken. The chicken is awful. This month is over though.

2014Meal 24: It’s now September. I’ve hit the max status two months in a row, but I’m certain I can’t do it again.

I’m at a friend’s place and he asks if I want to get food. I say we have to go to Chipotle. When he asks why I tell him it’s because I have a problem. He understands.

Meal 25: I had a two week gap between meals cause I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I got another free meal from the woman that’s been flirting with me. I’ve decided that there’s no reasonable way to exchange personal information. Love at Chipotle isn’t meant to be.

Meal 26: At this point it’s impossible for me to actually get the full rewards so all the pressure is off of me. Someone ordered a quesadilla. I didn’t know they had quesadillas.

Meal 27: My final meal. There are four people in line in front of me, but the first person has requested that they make a full sized quesadilla in the tortilla warmer and then use that to make a burrito. It causes everything else to stop because the staff can’t work around that.

Eventually that abomination is finished and one of the people in front of me has two orders, both of which are being read from a phone. This person is reading item requests out of order and confusing the staff. I am about to cry.

Once I finally order, I am sure to make it quick so that the line behind me doesn’t revolt. The cashier refuses to put the lid on my bowl and demands the sole person preparing food stop with the next customer and out the lid on. Someone in line yells “Fucking hell.”

I leave and write Chipotle an angry letter. They send me coupons for two free entrees. Fuck Chipotle.

 

Sam Adams Bonfire Blonde

Sam Adams Bonfire Blonde

Appearance: Perfectly clear, effervescent for far longer than it had any business being, and topped with a creamy head that sticks around to really slide down the sides of the glass when you go to take a drink.

Smell: Toasted bread and sugar.

Taste: As soon as this hit my tongue I went to spit it out. This tastes like eating charcoal and the mouthfeel was incredibly unpleasant. The aftertaste is like bad scotch.

Overall: This may very well be the worst beer I’ve tasted, but it looked alright so it gets points for that. 23/100

Up Next: Something nice.

Beer Review #84: Genesse Ice

25 Thursday Aug 2016

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Fresh New Memes 

I recently met a Meme Baron. After seducing him, marrying him, poisoning his gimlet, and raiding his stash of ultra-dank goodness. Here is what I found.

2014ASSHOLE EPIPEN

 
bulimiaGOOD GUY DONALD TRUMP

heartGRANDMA THAT YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON

phil

BLACK LIVES MATTER

If any of these adequately upset you or you need to let me know how bad I am at this, please like the facebook page or let me know on twitter. Here’s the review.

IMG_20160719_221545633Appearance: There’s a thin, white head resting on an almost amber colored beer that’s bursting with bubbles and kinda cloudy. Something seems off about it, but I can’t say what.

Smell: Pure sugar syrup.

Taste: Medium-bodied and kinda crisp. Not nearly as terrible as I assumed it would be. It’s very sweet and tastes like pennies, but the body somehow makes that tolerable. There’s not really a ton going on with it: No aftertaste, no complexity, no personality.

Overall: You could drink a lot of these on a hot day, but it’s a little creamy so eventually it would lose some of that appeal. It’s not terrible for what it is, but it’s not good. 44/100.

Up Next: Schlitz, I think.

Beer Review #83: Leinenkugel Summer Shandy

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

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Adventures in Monotonous Dining!

On July 1st, 2016 fast-food restaurant Chipotle began its Summer rewards program “Chiptopia.” This promotion allows customers to earn free food and potentially even get over $200 in free catering.

I’ve never cared for Chipotle. I do crave free things though so I jumped on it. I’ve been thirteen times since the promotion began. Here I will detail my experience with each trip.

Meal #1: I went on July 1st and the place was packed. Fortunately they were moving people through the line pretty quickly. I got a carnitas bowl. It was shockingly good.

Recipts

Someone. Please. Help.

Meal #2: This was probably only a couple days later. I ordered the same thing because the steak and chicken looked dry and the barbacoa was an extra dollar and I’m cheap. I noticed that most of the people visiting this restaurant are not capable of placing an order in an orderly fashion. I begin to wonder if that’s where the word “orderly: comes from.

Meal #3: Same order: White rice, pinto beans, fajita veggies, carnitas, pico de gallo, salsa verde, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, lettuce.

I get stuck behind an old woman that has two orders. She can’t remember what belongs to which entree. She doesn’t know what a burrito is. She doesn’t know what guacamole is. She has caused the line to go almost out the door. She is the one person in the world I truly despise.

Meal #4: Same meal. The restaurant was disturbingly empty. I think the woman making my bowl gave me extra meat so I give her a smile and nod in a way that says “thanks.” It may have come off more like “You have something I crave.” I stop smiling that day.

Meal #5: My first free meal. I decide to get the barbacoa. Eating something new was such a relief. The barbacoa tastes mostly like pot roast though; it wasn’t seasoned very aggressively.

A child keeps running around the store while his mother tries to order for him. He will not pay attention as his mother asks what he wants. I add him to my enemies list.

Meal #6: Back to the Carnitas bowl. I think the employees are starting to recognize me. I’ve picked up on the most efficient ways to order. It seems like that’s appreciated.

Meal #7: At this point I pretty much hate the food at Chipotle, but I can get two meals out of seven dollars so I keep going. I decide to mix things up and get steak. I now regret doing that.

When I got this bowl, the man in line in front of me ordered a quesadilla. I didn’t even see quesadillas on the menu. They can’t use that tortilla warming device for anyone else while this is happening. I add him to my enemies list.

Meal #8: AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Meal #9: My second free entree. I learned that the free entree can effectively be anything so I go for double barbacoa and guac on top of my regular bowl ingredients. It is far too much food, but for the first time in a long time I feel a sense of accomplishment. This bowl would have cost twice as much as my usual order.

Someone in line behind me was asked if they wanted black or pinto beans. They asked which beans were the black beans. I put them on the list.

Napkins

At least I never have to buy napkins ever again.

Meal #10: I discover that I could have been getting chorizo this whole time. All is right with the world.

Meal #11: My last meal of July.

I think it was Nietzsche that said “He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.” Chipotle has taken away most of my humanity. I go through the line like a robot and order a chorizo bowl.

This chorizo might bring me back. God bless you chorizo. Wait, maybe the chorizo is god? I must consume it so that I might become god.

Meal #12: It’s now August. I have another free entree so I go back to the double barbacoa and guac bowl; tortilla on the side. I’ve been making my own burrito with the side tortilla and then eating the rest of the bowl later. I’m pretty much on a Chipotle diet at this point because I typically eat once a day so that bowl is tomorrows dinner.

I held the door open for a family of five. I did this against my better judgement. Fortunately the mother didn’t give her three kids any choice in what they were getting. I wanted to kiss her. She knew my struggle.

Meal #13: Yesterday I got another chorizo bowl. The woman making my burrito was incredibly upbeat. The chorizo has given me it’s power and now I am in complete control of this restaurant. That is the only explanation for this turnaround. I can feel it’s power filling my heart.

I will use this power for good. That means demanding answers from all of the horrible people on my list. They must answer for disrespecting a god.

Remember to like and share everything you see so that I don’t use my new sausage powers on your mom. Like the Facebook page and follow us on twitter. There’s e-mail too, but I honestly just don’t care to link it today. Literally anything will get through as long as you add @boozeandothernonsense.com to it. Here’s the beer review.

Leinenkugel Summer Shandy

I drank this in an enchanted forest for peak flavor.

Appearance: Very cloudy with a golden color and decently thick, white head. Fairly bubbly and the head dies down fairly quickly.

Smell: Lemons. Pretty much nothing but sweetness and lemons. It is overpowering.

Taste: It feels shockingly nice on the tongue. The body is on the line between medium and thin and it’s fairly crisp. This all lends for a nice effect on a hot, sunny day.

The actual taste, however, is far too sweet to even begin to try to find any other flavor. It’s just lemons and far too much sugar. It almost hurts my teeth.

Overall: There’s really not a lot going on here, but I can understand why someone would drink a few of these out of a bucket of ice on a nice day. If you have a tolerance for sweet things this would be a dream. I can only give it a 55/100. It should actually be much lower, but the mouthfeel was nice and it didn’t look terrible.

Up Next: Something cheap from the gas station.

Beer Review #82: Miller High Life

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

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August Reader Mail

What do you think of Donald Trump? – Steve from D.C.

He’s a demagogue that’s giving a voice to bigots. He want’s to pull out of our strategic alliances and use our nuclear arsenal as a first strike option; undoing several decades worth of work that’s kept the world more safe. He lacks any real substance or experience so he makes up for it by acting like a clown and attacking his opponents with personal insults. He can barely run his campaign and he’d have more money today if he’d just invested all that money his dad gave him into an unmanaged index fund.

All that being said, he’s provided me hours upon hours of entertainment so what’s not to like? Sure, I’m interacting with way more openly racist people than I was a year ago, but that’s a small price to pay for this orange carnival barker’s three ring circus.

What the hell is going on with these reviews? Did you just buy a bunch of shitty beer at a gas station? Are you going to review anything good? – Dave from Mississippi

I’ll answer all three questions in order: I’m punishing myself, yes, I hope so.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had some good lists. Got any in you? – Anonymous

We’re well into Anal August so let’s do the 2016 Summer Lists:

Presidential Candidates Spouses by Hotness

5- Bill Clinton
4- Kelley Paul
3- Karen Kasich
2- Jeanette Rubio
1- Melania Trump

Bugs

5- Butterfly
4- Spider
3- Mantis
2- Bee
1- Firefly

Non-Chicken Eggs

5- Spider
4- Human
3- Goose
2- Sturgeon
1- Duck

Chipotle Proteins

5- Steak
4- Chicken
3- Sofritas
2- Barbacoa
1- Carnitas

Things To Yell Right Before Orgasm

5- “Bazinga!”
4- “Team Rocket’s Blasting Off Again!”
3- “Who’s Your Grandpa?!”
2- “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT MY FACE!”
1- “Feel the Bern!”

People ask you for dating advice all the time, how’s your love life going? – [REDACTED] from [REDACTED]

Mom, you’ve already got a couple grand kids. If this is tied into how your will pays out then I might go hose some women down, but until then I’m using my horrible personality and awful face as my primary form of birth control.

If you’re actually just interested, I’ve had one decently long relationship this year. She and I had a lot in common: fear of someone driving a steamroller over you and your skeleton popping out of your mouth, gin, that feeling you get when you look to the west, children experiencing disappointment publicly, bawdy limericks, and seeing her naked.

It all ended the same way it began: The 1996 Shaquille O’Neal film ‘Kazaam’.

Well that was as awful as usual. Remember to add us on Facebook and Twitter if you want to bother someone. I promise to not insult you if you’re the right race.

Yep, that's it alright.

Yep, that’s it alright.

Appearance: Energetic and crystal clear. A decent white head builds up, but only leaves a thin floating island of foam floating in the top of my glass. It’s has the unnatural almost neon yellow color of most American light beer. Fairly large bubbles fill up the sides of the glass.

Smell: A poorly insulated attic a day after light rain. Burnt hair.

Taste: A pretty decent medium-bodied beer with a fair bit of astringency. The flavor is flat and one-note: just charred malt. There’s absolutely nothing else.

Overall: This was significantly worse than I assumed it would be. At least the other terrible light beers had a bit of flavor and didn’t smell so bad. This looked fine enough, but I like a girl with personality. 31/100.

Up Next: Something bad!

Beer Review #81: Rolling Rock

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

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July Reader Mail

Do you think Sanders still has a shot at the Democratic nomination? – Lyle, Huber Heights

I seriously need to answer these e-mails in a more timely fashion.

How old is too old to be getting into fist fights? – Anonymous

I think this all really depends on context. If you’re on the beach building a sandcastle for your best gal and some street tough kicks it over and takes your girl then you’re morally obligated to spend months working out so that you can challenge him to a fight and win back your woman because for some reason in these scenarios women are property.

Stop getting in fights. It’s dumb. Have a couple drinks and talk it out. Then poison the other guy.

How do you feel about Hamilton? – John, for Cincinnati.

Anyone that doesn’t like it is a racist or descendant of Aaron Burr.

Ur gay – [expletive deleted], from [expletive deleted]

no u.

I’m starting college this fall and I’m really nervous about it. Any tips? – Harrison, from Dayton

If you’re living in dorms make sure to befriend the RA. They’ll be less likely to fuck with you. Also try to identify all the cool people on your floor and try to hang out with them. Join a couple clubs and hang out with those people too. Just be as social as you can because you’re gonna have less time for it in later years.

Don’t take too many classes and don’t take any of your classes too seriously. Remember that the world isn’t over if you fail a test. Go to a professor’s office hours twice and they will remember you for some time after the class is over. Every week, try to ask at least two questions in your various classes.

Watch what you eat and don’t party too hard too early. Learn the rules to beer pong. Ease into it. Play safe. Have fun.

As always, check out the Facebook and Twitter pages and share them with your friends of I swear to god I will pull this car over.

Ughhhh

Ughhhh

Appearance: This is the most carbonated beer I’ve ever seen. Giant bubbles for a seemingly never ending stream of carbon dioxide pushing up towards the surface. A enormous, pure-white head is born from this and it keeps for much longer than you’d expect for this sort of beer. It has that unfortunate urine-of-a-dehydrated-person yellow that is the standard for an American pale lager, but if that’s the ideal I suppose it’s fine.

Smell: Moldy breakfast cereal. This is why we don’t buy beer in clear or green bottles. The aroma is totally one note and it’s a pretty sour one at that.

Taste: Unpleasant. The body is weak and watery; something that does a great disservice to those gorgeous bubbles. A little thicker and this could be a perfectly crisp beer, a standard by which others could measure themselves.

It tastes like the smell of a book you accidentally spilled water on and now you’ve taken to airing it out with a hair dryer. Fortunately there’s no aftertaste and the body is thin enough to keep it from lingering on the tongue. This is one of the most boring tasting beers I’ve ever had. It has flavor, but that flavor is solely that of weak malt covered up by decay.

Overall: I’m still mesmerized by the bubbles. They may get a bit weaker as time goes on, but even then it seems more active than half of the other beers out there. If this was a beauty contest, this beer would win the pale lager category. Unfortunately, beer is for drinking and I never want to drink this again. 36/100

Up Next: Expect a bunch of terrible beers from the nearby gas station!

Soda Shaq Review #1: Strawberry Cream Soda

22 Sunday May 2016

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May Reader Mail

This election sure has been something, hasn’t it? – Phil from Riverside

No. Who talks like this? I’m not some person you ran into in the break room and now you need to think of some small talk or else you start breathing and blinking manually. Don’t do this. You’re better than this Phil. I believe in you. Phil 2016!

Any idea who you’re voting for? – Melissa from Akron

Do you not keep up with the website? I just said Phil 2016.

I’m having trouble losing weight and Summer is almost here. I don’t want to do that thing where I wear a T-shirt in the pool. Any advice? – Jamie from Memphis

Okay, well this could go several ways. If you’re a dude, you should probably just own it. I don’t think anyone cares anymore. Otherwise, I advise bulimia.

If you’re a woman, my advice is exactly the same because I believe that we’re all equal.

How much do you make from this website? – Anonymous

About -$30 a year. The whole plan was to trick beer fests into giving me press passes, but that hasn’t panned out. Time to fill this thing with ads and to start selling cheaply made merchandise.

I recently started flossing a lot more often. At first there was a lot of blood, but after a few months everything usually comes out pretty clear. My mouth feels cleaner and it’s not that much extra work everyday. How do I make women feel safe around me? – Brad from Columbus

Stop talking about your teeth you god damn serial killer. If you’re really that desperate to lure a woman into your murder dungeon just put an ad on craigslist for free furniture of something. They’ll come and then you can take their teeth or whatever it is you do. Keep us updated.

If you have questions just find us on Twitter and Facebook. Like and follow and find true loves kiss! You can also e-mail, but make sure you mention something about increasing the size of my erection in the subject line. Otherwise it might go to spam.

DSCN0405

The hills are alive with the sound of backboards being shattered.

Appearance: Boxed white zinfandel that’s been allowed to slowly congeal over time. Like if you cut off a troll’s head and collected its blood in a vial in order to complete a quest.

Smell: The medicine you hated most as a child. It makes me think about all the bad things that have ever happened.

Taste: Upon first sip I suddenly remembered where I was on 9/11. Not 2001, though. 2010 was way worse for me on a personal level. It’s when I learned about the other 9/11.

This just tastes like cotton candy and shortcake. On the mouth it feels like when you know the dentist is done with the procedure, but it taking their time before they let you rinse your mouth out.

Overall: Why does this product exist? I am, however, slowly becoming addicted. I think this is what it feels like to get into heroin. I get that now. 1/100.

Up Next: Heroin!

Beer Review #80: Elevator Brewing Co. Bleeding Buckeye Red Ale

15 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by in Beer Review, Reader Mail

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March Reader Mail

So it’s election season, what do you think about the candidates? – Jeff from Columbus

What can I say about these candidates that hasn’t already been said in the YouTube comments of a clip from a monster truck rally? I guess I’ll give it a go.

Bernie Sanders – I’m like 60% certain he was created when Seth Rogen stepped into a teleportation machine while holding all of George Orwell’s books and a copy of Spaceballs.

Hillary Clinton – She seems like the person on the police squad that’s one day away from retirement and is just tired of this bullshit. She just wants one day of peace.

Ted Cruz – I’m fairly certain Dracula wasn’t born in the United States. I want to see his birth certificate.

Marco Rubio – Remember that kid in your circle of friends that didn’t understand when you were making fun of him? Then, at some point, he sort of catches on and tries to find some sweet jokes on the internet, but everyone knows what he’s doing and he just gets more frustrated. That kid.

John Kasich – He’s the neighbors dog looking at you through the window while you’re having a good time with your own pets. Also, he has some weird shit going on with North Korea.

Donald Trump – A really charismatic jack-o-lantern that learned how to turn our nation’s underlying racism and xenophobia into votes. He’s what happens when you build a platform based on dog-whistle politics and the dog finally decides to show up.

Read anything good lately? – Gina from Grand Rapids

You ever read the back of a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Way more anti-Semitic than you’d expect.

This website sucks – Anonymous

I am well aware.

Who do you think will be the first big celebrity death of 2016? – Mike from NYC

I really gotta start answering these e-mails in a more timely fashion.

Which Chicken McNugget dipping sauce from McDonald’s is best? – Kent from Indianapolis

I don’t even know what all the sauce options are. Why don’t they have that displayed somewhere? You order nuggets and they ask what sauce you want as if this is just a thing everyone is prepared to answer without more information. What are they hiding back there that we don’t know about?

I usually go for a honey mustard, but I’ll mix in the spicy buffalo sauce on a good day. This was a good question and I’m gonna give it the full attention it deserves next time I’m at Mickey Ds. I’ll request one of each sauce and have a tasting. Keep on the lookout for that in the future.

Remmeber, if you want your questions answered you should get with us on Twitter and Facebook. Like and follow or I might die! You can also e-mail, but it’ll probably go to spam because I just assume any person doing that is trying to steal my identity or tomato sauce recipe.

Bleeding Buckeye Red Ale

Bleeding Buckeye Red Ale

Appearance: I hate starting reviews like this, but this is just beautiful. From the striking color reminiscent of polished mahogany, the cloudiness that just barely lets you see thousands of energized bubbles, all leading up to a remarkably creamy head that just explodes as you pour this thing.

It’s all so good, but I feel like the head deserves special recognition. It’s almost like whipped cream in consistency. It has a nutty color that compliments the rich color of the beer. This looks like something you’d see in a TV commercial. I hope this ends well because I’ve really hyped this up for myself.

Smell: Strong malt up front, followed by butterscotch, toasted bread, and some hops.

Taste: It’s very slick and light-bodied. You can pick up the bubbles, but not as much as I would have thought.

Lots of caramel notes and lots of sweetness from the toasted malt, but the hops cut through in a great way to keep things interesting. The bitterness and grassy flavor from the hops really helps to offset what could be overbearing sweetness.

It finishes with those bitter hops and really sticks to the tongue. It’s like it’s setting you up for the rush of sweetness from your next sip.

Overall: This was fun. I’m not usually big on red ale, but I’ll be buying this again. Pulling that sweet liquid through the creamy head was a delight. It wasn’t overly complex and it’s not gonna set any records, but it’s a gorgeous beer that would be great for a session under the sun with a few good friends. 89/100.

Up Next: No clue!