Adventures in Monotonous Dining!
On July 1st, 2016 fast-food restaurant Chipotle began its Summer rewards program “Chiptopia.” This promotion allows customers to earn free food and potentially even get over $200 in free catering.
I’ve never cared for Chipotle. I do crave free things though so I jumped on it. I’ve been thirteen times since the promotion began. Here I will detail my experience with each trip.
Meal #1: I went on July 1st and the place was packed. Fortunately they were moving people through the line pretty quickly. I got a carnitas bowl. It was shockingly good.
Someone. Please. Help.
Meal #2: This was probably only a couple days later. I ordered the same thing because the steak and chicken looked dry and the barbacoa was an extra dollar and I’m cheap. I noticed that most of the people visiting this restaurant are not capable of placing an order in an orderly fashion. I begin to wonder if that’s where the word “orderly: comes from.
Meal #3: Same order: White rice, pinto beans, fajita veggies, carnitas, pico de gallo, salsa verde, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, lettuce.
I get stuck behind an old woman that has two orders. She can’t remember what belongs to which entree. She doesn’t know what a burrito is. She doesn’t know what guacamole is. She has caused the line to go almost out the door. She is the one person in the world I truly despise.
Meal #4: Same meal. The restaurant was disturbingly empty. I think the woman making my bowl gave me extra meat so I give her a smile and nod in a way that says “thanks.” It may have come off more like “You have something I crave.” I stop smiling that day.
Meal #5: My first free meal. I decide to get the barbacoa. Eating something new was such a relief. The barbacoa tastes mostly like pot roast though; it wasn’t seasoned very aggressively.
A child keeps running around the store while his mother tries to order for him. He will not pay attention as his mother asks what he wants. I add him to my enemies list.
Meal #6: Back to the Carnitas bowl. I think the employees are starting to recognize me. I’ve picked up on the most efficient ways to order. It seems like that’s appreciated.
Meal #7: At this point I pretty much hate the food at Chipotle, but I can get two meals out of seven dollars so I keep going. I decide to mix things up and get steak. I now regret doing that.
When I got this bowl, the man in line in front of me ordered a quesadilla. I didn’t even see quesadillas on the menu. They can’t use that tortilla warming device for anyone else while this is happening. I add him to my enemies list.
Meal #8: AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Meal #9: My second free entree. I learned that the free entree can effectively be anything so I go for double barbacoa and guac on top of my regular bowl ingredients. It is far too much food, but for the first time in a long time I feel a sense of accomplishment. This bowl would have cost twice as much as my usual order.
Someone in line behind me was asked if they wanted black or pinto beans. They asked which beans were the black beans. I put them on the list.
At least I never have to buy napkins ever again.
Meal #10: I discover that I could have been getting chorizo this whole time. All is right with the world.
Meal #11: My last meal of July.
I think it was Nietzsche that said “He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.” Chipotle has taken away most of my humanity. I go through the line like a robot and order a chorizo bowl.
This chorizo might bring me back. God bless you chorizo. Wait, maybe the chorizo is god? I must consume it so that I might become god.
Meal #12: It’s now August. I have another free entree so I go back to the double barbacoa and guac bowl; tortilla on the side. I’ve been making my own burrito with the side tortilla and then eating the rest of the bowl later. I’m pretty much on a Chipotle diet at this point because I typically eat once a day so that bowl is tomorrows dinner.
I held the door open for a family of five. I did this against my better judgement. Fortunately the mother didn’t give her three kids any choice in what they were getting. I wanted to kiss her. She knew my struggle.
Meal #13: Yesterday I got another chorizo bowl. The woman making my burrito was incredibly upbeat. The chorizo has given me it’s power and now I am in complete control of this restaurant. That is the only explanation for this turnaround. I can feel it’s power filling my heart.
I will use this power for good. That means demanding answers from all of the horrible people on my list. They must answer for disrespecting a god.
Remember to like and share everything you see so that I don’t use my new sausage powers on your mom. Like the Facebook page and follow us on twitter. There’s e-mail too, but I honestly just don’t care to link it today. Literally anything will get through as long as you add @boozeandothernonsense.com to it. Here’s the beer review.
I drank this in an enchanted forest for peak flavor.
Appearance: Very cloudy with a golden color and decently thick, white head. Fairly bubbly and the head dies down fairly quickly.
Smell: Lemons. Pretty much nothing but sweetness and lemons. It is overpowering.
Taste: It feels shockingly nice on the tongue. The body is on the line between medium and thin and it’s fairly crisp. This all lends for a nice effect on a hot, sunny day.
The actual taste, however, is far too sweet to even begin to try to find any other flavor. It’s just lemons and far too much sugar. It almost hurts my teeth.
Overall: There’s really not a lot going on here, but I can understand why someone would drink a few of these out of a bucket of ice on a nice day. If you have a tolerance for sweet things this would be a dream. I can only give it a 55/100. It should actually be much lower, but the mouthfeel was nice and it didn’t look terrible.
Up Next: Something cheap from the gas station.