Author Archives: Vodka Barf

2015 Year End Lists

30 Wednesday Dec 2015

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2015 was a great year for saying really shitty things about immigrants and casual racism. Let’s see what else it had to offer by ranking some of the best things of the year!

Best Egg Preparations

5- Soft Boiled
4- Deviled
3- Poached
2- Basted
1- Over Easy

TV Shows

5- Hannibal
4- Daredevil
3- Mr. Robot
2- Fargo
1- Better Call Saul

Action Films

5- Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation
4- Sicario
3- Kingsman: The Secret Service
2- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
1- Mad Max: Fury Road

Fast Food Burgers

5- Burger King
4- White Castle
3- Steak N’ Shake
2- Wendy’s
1- Rally’s

Races

5- Eskimo
4- Latino
3- Black
2- White
1- Eastern Asian

Drinking Scenarios

5- Tailgating
4- Chilling and Grilling
3- Hot Toddies after coming in from shoveling snow
2- Staying out at a bar until the sun comes up
1- At a baseball game with close friends on a nice day

Cuts of Pork

5- Ham
4- Cheeks
3- Belly
2- Tenderloin
1- Ribs

 

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Beer Review #79: Hamm’s

04 Friday Dec 2015

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December Reader Mail

Dude, are you okay? – Glenn, from Spokane

No.

Who would win in a fight between a kraken and every main villain from the Die Hard film series? – Anonymous

Well there’s several issues with this question that make it impossible to answer.

First, where is this fight taking place? On dry land the kraken is toast, but in the depths of the sea I imagine Hans Gruber would be crushed by the pressure of the ocean.

Second, I’ve never seen the fifth Die Hard movie so for all I know that guy specialized in hunting down creatures from the deep sea or maybe he’s part narwhal. I’ve also never met a kraken, but I think I get the gist of their capabilities.

All things considered, I’m giving this one to the kraken, assuming that he isn’t forced to wear a racist sandwich board in the middle of Harlem.

What do you think the ninja turtles’ stance on ethics in video games journalism would be? – Troy from Dublin

Raphael: Doesn’t care, but will jump on any opportunity to send anonymous death threats to women on Twitter.

Donatello: Too fucking smart to care.

Leonardo: Very much against the actions of the movement.

Michelangelo: Busy actually enjoying video games.

What’s your dream job? What do you want to accomplish? – Mom from [redacted]

That’s two questions. You’re only allowed to ask one question.

I’ll answer the second one: To one day beat Jackie Robinson’s record of being the first Black man to play Major League Baseball.

 

Send in your own questions over Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail. Or don’t. I really don’t care. Here’s the review.

I'm not sure where this picture was taken!

I’m not sure where this picture was taken!

Appearance: Super clear with almost zero carbonation. The head puffs up nicely and lasts longer than you’d think before it settles into a reasonably thick white ring. A very pale color like that of straw after a few days of drying.

Smell: Well it’s great that I brought up straw earlier ’cause this smells like hay that wasn’t given enough time to dry before it was loaded up into the loft; musty, grainy, stale.

Taste: I’m willing to concede that this beer has a pleasant mouthfeel, but that’s it. It’s got a nice medium-body and feels a little slippery. The actual taste is muted, but one can get a bit of grain with a malty finish. It still has a bit of that smell in it which isn’t very pleasant.

Overall: 49 out of 100 and that feels too generous. I’d take PBR or High Life instead.

Up Next: There’s a bunch already written, but I’m lazy so who knows?

Beer Review #78: Icehouse

21 Friday Aug 2015

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August Reader Mail

What do you think about women nursing in public? – Donna from Butte

100% support. Not only do we get a display of public nudity, but we get to see all of the reactions of people trying not to stare. I just wish those babies would learn to share.

I’m looking to get into juggling or yo-yo tricks soon, but I’m worried that people will think I’m weird if I spend a lot of time doing those things. Do I just need more self-esteem or is this a bad idea? – Clark from Huntsville

Go to a bar and make friends the normal way.

Why do these kids wear their pants so low? – Mary

I dunno. Rap music? Lack of belts? Barack Obama secretly orchestrated it as a means of further dividing the races in part of his plans to ruin America? Those are all equally plausible.

What can I do to spruce up my online dating profile? Melissa from Beaver Creek

Be attractive.

Why aren’t you posting anything? – Nate from Washington D.C.

I’ve been working on a lot of new TV show pitches. Here are some of my ideas. Feedback is appreciated:

Fingering Kids: Profiles of Candy Thieves – A show about catching kids that steal candy at the check out lines of grocery stores. It’s like To Catch a Predator, but not at all.

Which Way Do They Wipe – A dating show that tries to pair people together by which way they wipe.

Celebrity Face Swap – We use Face/Off technology to let Steve Buscemi and Channing Tatum spend a week in one another’s shoes. Each episode ends with a boat chase and fight to the death.

Mike Tyson Reads Young Adult Novels – Exactly what it sounds like. Accompanied by still pictures of scenes from the books drawn by severely autistic teens.

Face Swap – A way more boring version of Celebrity Face Swap.

Well that mail was just as awful as usual. Please, for the love of whichever god you foolishly throw money at, send me some better e-mail. The address is SpamIgnore@Boozeandwhatever.cum. There’s also fun stuff on the Facebook page (Like Who Would Win Tuesdays (We’re legally prohibited from using Wednesday))and Twitter feed (parentheses) so get down on it. Here’s the review…

IcehouseAppearance: Perfectly clear, obscured only by a stream of thick bubbles that seem to have an inexhaustible source. A lightly-hued goldenrod beer with a surprisingly long-lasting, medium head. It’s not pretty, but it looks pretty good for what it is.

Smell: One-note; a weak, wet grain. If you’ve ever been on a farm waiting for hay to dry before you can bale it, this is the smell the morning after an unexpected light rain.

Taste: Not good, but unoffensive. It has a light to medium body, tastes only of a lightly kilned malt, and other than a slightly unpleasant aftertaste of a better beer that’s been left to sit out for too long, there’s not much else going on here.

Overall: I expected this to be much worse than it was. That said, this was pretty bad and I’m upset that I have to finish this. 41/100. This was strange beer.

Up Next: Something Gimmicky!

Beer Review #77: Southern Tier Brewing Company Crème Brûlée

29 Friday May 2015

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May Reader Mail

What did you think about Mayweather/Pacquiao? – John from Atlanta

I was pretty drunk for most of it, but I distinctly remember watching it from my local dive and some homeless man shitting himself on a bar stool after drinking about 10 cups of the complimentary coffee they put out. I enjoyed that more than the fight.

Who’s your dream girl? – Liz

Way to objectify half of the world’s population. How dare you assume that I’m into women? It’s 2015 and this is a very progressive website.

Also, it’s Emma Roberts or Lizzy Caplan. I want to own them as property.

Summer’s coming up soon. Any tips to make this one to remember? – Kathleen from Columbus, OH

Don’t leave your drink unattended.

This website used to be funny. – Mike from Peoria

No it didn’t. I don’t know what would lead you to believe that. This is a legitimate place for serious business.

You seem like the kind of person that’s had some issues with alcohol. It’s getting pretty bad for me and I was wondering if you had any tips on battling addiction or at least managing it. – Anonymous

I’ve yet to encounter a problem that couldn’t be solved by drinking more.

Well that was that. Send in your own e-mail questions and please try to keep the racial slurs down to a minimum. Not because we’re offended, but just putting a question mark after the N-word is a very confusing question. Like, do you want to know if I’m Black or are you offering one for trade? Use your words.

Don’t forget to hit us up on Facebook and Twitter too. You can see the low-quality material that gets posted there on the sidebar here, but why risk missing anything? On to the show!

Southern Tier Creme Brulee

Southern Tier Creme Brulee

Appearance: Impregnable darkness. A wispy thin head that reminds me of a marshmallow after just 5 seconds over a campfire. It laces quite nicely too. Very little carbonation.

Smell: You get pretty much what you’d expect with something named after a French dessert. An almost cloying saccharine aroma hits you as soon as the bottle opens. There’s also a fair bit of vanilla, dark chocolate, and caramel.

Taste: A very thin body, but it still has a pleasing mouthfeel that manages to encourage me to go back for more. The strong sweet flavors are more tempered than I had expected, but it still feels like a bit much. Toasted nuts, toffee, and maybe something reminiscent of sweetened condensed milk.

The taste hits you pretty quickly and doesn’t leave you with much. There’s just a slight lingering sweetness.

Overall: This was not a bad beer and it delivered on it’s promise so I have to review it with that in mind. It wouldn’t be fair to review this like a normal stout because that’s not what they were going for. That being said, I had some issues with the strong sugar smell and the flavor profile. 76/100

Up Next: Something Bad!

Beer Review #76: Flying Dog Pale Ale

30 Thursday Apr 2015

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APRIL READER MAIL

What should I drink while I clean around the house? – Meg from Circleville

Cleaning products.

My dog has been having a lot of nightmares. This has been tearing my family apart. The kids are crying, my wife is packing a bag, and I’m just looking at our bank statements and I can’t get these numbers to work. Please help. – Josh from Agoura Hills

I got this e-mail like seven months ago. Let’s just assume this guy is dead and move on.

Better song: Do A Little Dance -or- Play That Funky Music? – George from Chicago

That’s a good question. In fact, it may be the first good question ever asked. I have to go with Play That Funky Music because everyone goes crazy during that chorus.

Penis pumps? – Laura from Canal Winchester

Yes.

Well that was as awful as it usually is. Share the Facebook and Twitter pages with your friends. Let’s boost this signal. Send e-mail questions too or next month is just answers to beer recommendations. I hate beer. Here’s a beer review.

Flying Dog Pale Ale

Flying Dog Pale Ale

Appearance: I’m seriously considering forcing my girlfriend to go through the teleporter from “The Fly” while holding a glass of this so that I can have daily relations with this. In hindsight though, my girlfriend won’t let me near her so that may not be the best description.

It’s got the golden hue of unfiltered honey, very low carbonation, a dreamy haziness, and a sticky off-white head that leaves it’s mark once you’ve finished off your glass.

Smell: It’s bright and fresh. Big hops up front, unharvested grain, and tropical fruit

Taste: Not as exciting as I’d hoped. It’s got a watery feel and not much of any taste aside from hops, but even that taste isn’t very pronounced. There’s really no finesse here. It’s not bad, but I expected a lot more punch from a pale ale.

Overall: This one fooled me and now I’m mad. 68/100. I’ll concede that the graphic design on the bottle is awesome and this was fun to look at, but taste is where my bread is buttered.

Don’t forget to “like” and “share” with your friends. This review, not this beer.

Up Next: Dessert

Beer Review #75: Michelob Ultra

16 Thursday Apr 2015

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Ghost Log #1: New Realities (Part One)

The night was black. Central Ohio Undead and Ghost Hunting (COUGH) was having its first monthly meeting of the new year when we heard our phone sound for the first time since we’d been forcing ourselves to come to these meetings three years ago.

The three of us sat silent for the first couple rings when Nick decided that he was the only one of us not completely shaken by nerves. Nick wasn’t the bravest, or the most talkative, but he loved doing this more than the rest of us and had been waiting for this day more than anything else.

I could only hear one side of the call, but from the way Nick’s face dropped I knew this was big. He hung up the receiver, turned to us, and asked me to cancel the pizza delivery for that night; we were going out.

The client was Shelly Globke, an 81-year-old widower living in German Village. He invited us into his home and sat us down in a room lined with heavily worn books and dull light provided by a single antique lamp on the verge of death. There were four fresh glasses of tea waiting for us on the coffee table.

Suddenly remembering my position as leader of the group, I asked Shelly why he called.

“Well,” he rasped, “you should first know that my dear Evelyn passed just last week. She was all I ever cared about. She… I think she’s back.”

Now I understood why Nick had been so solemn on the phone. This was just a sad, lonely man that lost his only companion. He’d entertain any fantasy to have her back. We’d humor him.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Mr. Globke. Would you mind if we have a look around before you tell us how the spirit manifests itself? It’s best we do this before you go into detail so that we aren’t influenced.”

“Of course. Do whatever you need. I’ll be waiting here.”

As we left the room to grab our gear Mr. Globke began to thumb through an old photo album and tear up. We weren’t built for this.

“We can’t actually do this,” yelled Dan. “I sympathize with the man, but I can tell what you two are up to and I won’t support an old man’s delusions. He needs to move on. No one wants to find a ghost more than me, but this is ridiculous.”

“Let’s just give it a chance. This is the first time we’ve ever been called out. Besides, I’m in charge here so it’s my call. Let’s look around.”

We swept though the house and took every reading that we could. Whenever I passed the doorway leading to Shelly’s study I gave him a nod and a smile, but I knew this was helpless.

Dan screamed.

I could hear Nick running upstairs.

Shelly started crying.

I froze.

Part two will drop whenever. Check out the Facebook and Twitter pages for updates. Send e-mail questions too. They are all I have these days… On to the review!

Michelob Ultra

Michelob Ultra

Appearance: Otherworldly pale and super fizzy. A flash of a white head is gone before you can get your god damn camera out of your god damn drawer. Clear. Like distractingly clear.

Smell: A flooded basement one week after cleanup.

Taste: Water and a tiny bit of corn syrup.

Overall: Fuck this beer. 2/100

Up Next: Something nice.

Beer Review #74: Stone Enjoy By (2/14/15)

27 Friday Feb 2015

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I lost a good ale while walking around the house the other day. I’m not yet desperate enough to suck spilled beer out of the carpet, so I’ve chosen to memorialize that lost soul in poem form.

I think that I shall never hear
a song sad as a wasted beer.

A beer whose frothy contents spilled
and left my cravings yet unfulfilled.

A beer I longed for all the day.
to wash my pointless cares away.

A beer that filled my glass with flair
but tumbled as I missed a stair.

Upon the floor its suds have lain
and cause me to cry out in pain.

Sobriety, us boozers fear
is best tamed with an ice cold beer.

Remember the Facebook and Twitter pages for updates. Send e-mail too. If you don’t the terrorists win.

Stone Enjoy By...

Stone Enjoy By…

Appearance: Striking. Crystal clear golderrod mirred only by the incessant tiny bubbles that move with passion. A thick creamy head that sticks to your upper lip in a way that you only see in the movies. The head sticks hard to the sides of the glass, not lacing so much as slowly oozing down and covering everything. This is a marvel

Smell: Big hops; like walking through a meadow after a soft rain, the sun beaming down on your face as it slowly bakes the grass and fills the air with scents of a perfect Spring day. Like getting flowers when it’s not even a special occasion.

Taste: Oddly tame, I expected to be stabbed in the back of the throat with hops and bitterness. Medium-bodied and incredibly drinkable.

A nice bit of citrus cuts through everything and keeps you refreshed and wanting more. It finishes mush sweeter than I’d expect for this kind of beer. Mango or something tropical. It totally caught me off guard. For the most part it tastes like it smells with is damn near perfect.

Overall: Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy! This was a revelation. It was something that has stuck with me since I actually tasted the beer three weeks ago. That I’m not drinking it now is slightly depressing. 95/100.

Up Next: It really doesn’t matter right now. Probably an IPA.

Beer Review #73: Blue Moon

08 Sunday Feb 2015

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February Reader Mail

How do you feel about cider? I think a warm cider is nice on a cold day. Even a nice crisp cider in the Summer feels great. – Martha from Boston

Fuck off you old bag of bones. Martha? No one is named Martha.

Any predictions for the Superbowl? – Anonymous

Sure. 28-24 Pats. (I really need to start answering the questions as I get them.)

You’re just some fat, single, loser that spends all his time drinking instead of being productive. Your site is a joke and highly offensive. – Ginger from Ontario

Okay, well there’s a lot going on here.

First, I’m not fat. I’m at the forefront of bringing bulimia back in style with my “Bulimia: It’s Not Just For Women” ad campaign so I’d appreciate a little bit of recognition for all that hard work.

bulimia

Second, sure I’m single, but I’m working on it. I’ve met a couple girls through OKCupid recently. Admittedly it hasn’t gone great, but at least I’m working on it. My last date ended with me telling the girl I wasn’t interested in meeting again, her screaming at me that my life is just going to be one big sausage party if I don’t accept “women of size,” and me screaming back that every day of her life is a sausage party.

Lastly, I was the recipient of over thirteen hugs from my mom over the course of the last decade and if that’s not winning then I don’t know what is.

How do you know the name and location of the people that send e-mails? – Ben from Chicago

Well now you know.

Cut your electric bill by up to 80% with solar panels! – Home Solar Savings

I live on the moon and the moon is only out at night you idiots. Why don’t you push your wares on Tatooine or something?

As always, Check out the Facebook and Twitter pages for updates. Send e-mail too. It gets lonely out in space.

Blue Moon

Blue Moon

Appearance: What is it about an unfiltered beer that just seems so right? I feel like we’re seeing what nature intended; something that hasn’t been overly disturbed by man, that stands as a testament to the beauty of the brewing process.

It has a citrusy hue, tangerine, but there’s an otherworldly glow caused by being unfiltered. The head pours white and vanishes before I can snap a photo. It feels a bit dead inside, the occasional tiny bubble losing its grasp on the side of my glass.

Smell: Fresh grain and the smell of a dewy lawn just as the first light of the sun begins to warm it up. Tropical fruit.

Taste: A surprisingly thin body and even more surprising crispness. The grain comes through nicely, but everything else is flat. It’s not particularly sweet, or bitter, or spicy, or herby.

Overall: This is a mass produced beer that wasn’t given much love. Instead it got some cheap plastic surgery and a Wonder-bra, superficial aesthetics instead of any real substance. This could be enjoyed by someone dipping their toe into the waters of wheat beers, but there are so many better options out there that I’d never consider buying this. 52/100.

Up Next: Enjoy By…

Beer Review #72: Resignation KCCO Black Lager

27 Saturday Dec 2014

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December Reader Mail

I told you this site was a waste of time and that no one cared about it. – Gloria from Yellow Springs

First, that’s not a question. Second, this is why we’re putting you into the rest home, mom.

What do you make of all the police violence on Black people this year? – Anonymous

I’m not aware of anything happening. Did Sting try to rape Bill Cosby or something? That can’t be right, but if there’s video or something I need you to send it over immediately. This has nothing to do with my new weird fetish.

What’s your new, weird fetish? – Mark from Butte

Interior: It’s Christmas morning and  two kids barrel down the stairs to see what treats Santa has left for them. When they get to the tree they find themselves bewildered by the lack of any gifts. They notice a soft crying coming from the kitchen.

The kids move to the kitchen and find their mom, a single woman that works two jobs, going over financial documents and trying to work out the numbers. Her mascara is running and the nearby ashtray is near full.

Help support my crowdfunding campaign to get this, and more, on video.

You seem like a reasonably funny guy, but your beer reviews are shit. Why even bother with them when you could just do the comedy? – Lauren from NYC

I need to justify my drinking somehow.

Also, just because I’m a premature ejaculator doesn’t mean you need to send me pissy e-mails Lauren. We had a one time thing and I had already warned you that when I’m done, we’re done.

I buy a lot of stuff at thrift stores and my family is mad at me for giving out what they’re calling “cheap” Christmas presents. Shouldn’t they just be happy I was thinking of them and didn’t just get them all gift cards to the Outback Steakhouse? – John from Boston

I suppose it really comes down to what you got them. Found an awesome vintage sports jersey? Sweet. Got your grandma some used towels and an artisanal hand-crank vibrator? Still sweet. Got your brother a book of nifty sex positions? Why not.

Just take the price tags off of everything. That’s your mistake. And if you do get gift cards for someone be sure to lie about how much is on it.

Be sure to follow the Facebook and Twitter pages for updates. Send e-mail too.

KCCO Black Lager

KCCO Black Lager

Appearance: Like drying sap or a hardwood floor with a dark stain. It feels natural, like this is something that the universe needed to exist. The head reduces to a thin film that’s the color of a new smoker’s teeth and it laces just wonderfully down the glass. Tiny, unexcited bubbles occasionally seem to rise out of nowhere, surrounded by the thick haze of this gorgeous beer.

Smell: Toasted nuts come out swinging hard. I can almost taste that salty mess that they keep stocked at most bars. I can also smell biscuits that are ready to come out of the oven, burnt coffee, and toffee.

Taste: The dark roasted malt and those toasted nuts are very present. Subtle bitterness stays on the tongue throughout, going solo as the only aftertaste you get out of this beer. A bit of coffee comes through, along with some chocolaty sweetness and just enough hops.

It has a creamy texture, but still stays refreshingly crisp for a beer this heavy.

Overall: I’m not usually one to go for Black Lagers, but this is how it should be done; 83/100. This would be great if you were out camping, telling jokes around a strong fire with good friends and clear, star-filled skies.

Up Next: Blue Moon

Beer Review #71: Hoegaarden

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

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September Reader Mail

Any ideas for the grill? – Bo from Virginia

Get good at making burgers. A proper burger will make you King of Summer. I go with 80/20 chuck and mix in salt, pepper, cayenne, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and a bit of sage. Try not to over mix. Brushing on a thin layer of barbecue sauce during the cooking can help set you apart too.

Get creative with your burger toppings. Lettuce, tomato, and onion are fine, but really get out there. A personal favorite it the fry burger. Make crispy shoestring fries and put an even layer on top of the burger. Cover it with a Russian dressing consisting of 2 parts ketchup, one part mayo, a good bit of relish, and a few cracks of fresh ground pepper.

What sort of readership do you have? What are the monthly pageviews? – Ed from California

My mom told her co-workers about the site so I guess you could say we’ve made the big leagues.

What happened to Trolling Craigslist? – Pete

I’ve been shadowbanned on that website and I don’t like using Tor because it always leads to me getting quotes on assassinations and sending heroin to my enemies. I’ll try to do one this week. I don’t think anyone uses Craigslist anymore though. Maybe we upgrade to OK Cupid.

Can I do wine reviews on your website? – Danielle from Michigan

Suck an egg.

If you have a question find us on Facebook, Twitter, or just send an e-mail. Sure I only check the e-mail once every three months, but I’m a single mother living inside the body of a childless, 20-something man. Oh, and I made a subreddit just because I could and I didn’t want one of you creeps creating it an lording it over me. It’s /r/BoozeAndOtherNonsense. Go vandalize it.

Hoegaarden Belgian Wheat

Hoegaarden Belgian Wheat

Appearance: Like a dream. This is slightly unfair, but I’m drinking this outside and the sun catches in the bottom of my glass in such a way that it sends mesmerizing rays of light up through the cloudy blur that makes up the body of this beer. A modest white head crowns a deep goldenrod that fades to the color of lemon juice as you scan your eyes from the top to bottom. That gradient is shocking.

Smell: I expect fruit up front, and there is definitely a bit of citrus and banana, but the first thing that hits the nose is spice; fresh cracked pepper and cloves. Delicate wheat and some yeast finish it out.

Taste: That spice comes through in a big way. Cloves, pepper, and lemon are the prominent tastes, followed up with malted wheat and other fruit.

It has a satisfying, creamy medium-body that benefits from the steady carbonation; creating a crisp feel that also allows that spice to hold on to the tongue for the perfect amount of time.

Overall: I feel like I undersold the head on this one because it’s amazing. It keeps at just about a quarter of an inch for the entire session, lasting and lasting and lacing the glass in a way that other beers should aspire to. It’s a little misty cloud on top of what has to be the nectar Dionysus himself insisted upon. 91/100. That spiciness cannot be overstated. It rounds this beer out so very well. A treat on a perfect Summer day.

Up Next: Resignation KCCO Black Lager