• About Us
  • Beer Recommendations
  • Erotica
    • 12 Eggs, Garlic Bread, and a Bale of Hay
    • Porcelain Nights: Call of the Wild
    • Tearing Me Apart
    • The Modern Man
  • Movie Reviews
  • Sponsors
  • The Electric Honeygrass Experience

Booze and Other Nonsense

~ Musings of a psychopathic alcoholic, raconteurs, film buff, and more!

Booze and Other Nonsense

Author Archives: Vodka Barf

2020 Year End Lists!

03 Sunday Jan 2021

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review

≈ Leave a comment

Well that was generally awful. I’m holed up with a bunch of booze and I wear a mask while socially distancing out of the home, but I refuse to stop eating exotic animals. It’d be way worse if the zoo just threw a dead giraffe into the trash instead of auctioning it off to distinguished scumbags.

Here are the lists.

TV Shows

5 – The Umbrella Academy
4 – How To with John Wilson
3 – Fargo
2 – The Boys
1 – The Last Dance

Fruit

5 – Kiwi
4 – Lime
3 – Plum
2 – Strawberry
1 – Banana

Cats

5 – The stray in the alley that scares squirrels
4 – Olly
3 – Gremlin
2 – Bip & Bop
1 – Cappuccino

Egg Preparations

5 – Hard-Boiled
4 – Poached
3 – Over Easy
2 – Soft-Boiled
1 – Basted

Condiments

5 – Bread and Butter Pickles
4 – Whole Grain Mustard
3 – Sriracha
2 – Mango Chutney
1 – Pickled Onions

Worst Things

5 – Sidney Powell
4 – Mitch McConnell
3 – The Police (Not the Band)
2 – Donald Trump
1 – Right-Wing Politics

Things I Miss

5 – Going to a Baseball Game
4 – Dick’s Den
3 – The Lives Needlessly Lost to COVID-19
2 – Being with Friends at a Party
1 – Unprotected Sex (No Masks)

Meat

5 – Pork Sausage
4 – Braised Chicken Quarters
3 – Ribeye Steak
2 – Carnitas
1 – Smoked Brisket

2019 Year End Lists

01 Wednesday Jan 2020

Posted by Vodka Barf in Humor, Lists

≈ Leave a comment

The year is over. Here’s the lists.

Races

5 – Marathon
4 – 100 Yard Dash
3 – Mile
2 – Hurdles
1 – 5K

Non-Chicken Eggs

5 – Spider
4 – Quail
3 – Duck
2 – Grey Alien
1 – Owl
 
Cats

5 – Larry
4 – Cat
3 – The Admiral
2 – Cappuccino
1 – Missy
 
Films of 2019

5 – Spider Man: Far From Home
4 – Good Boys
3 – Us
2 – John Wick 3
1 – Midsommar
 
Egg Preparations

5 – Basted
4 – Sunny-Side Up
3 – Poached
2 – Over Easy
1 – Soft Boiled
 
Worst Things

5 – Christmas
4 – Donald Trump
3 – Dave from Accounting
2 – Cleveland Browns
1 – Donald Trump
 
Fruits

5 – Bing Cherry
4 – Pears
3 – Grapes
2 – Tomato
1 – Peaches

Condiments

5 – Gravy
4 – Mayonnaise
3 – Avocado Slices
2 – Sriracha
1 – Spicy Brown Mustard

Beer Review #87: Kirkland Signature APA (Costco Adventures #1)

13 Thursday Dec 2018

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

American Pale Ale, Android, APA, Apples, Beer Review, Coming Out, Costco, Ice Cream, Kirkland, Soup

December Reader Mail

Why isn’t there a Wintertime version of ice cream trucks? – Jan from Van Nuys

This is legitimately a profound question and I’m mad at myself for not having considered it before. I guess you can get a soft pretzel at a food truck, but it’s not the same. Let’s try to break this down.

Obviously, the most important thing to address is the music. What the hell would this thing play? I suppose you could go with your classics like The Entertainer or whatever, but I feel like you’d want something festive. As such, I suggest this Korean guy singing All I want For Christmas is You.

As to what this truck would actually serve; the answer is obviously soups and stews. Not only is a nice soup great for keeping warm in the snow, but it’s also a great weapon if things get serious; like if the guy running a Winter soup truck tries to pull you in to the truck.

Great question Jan and I’m stealing you idea.

I want to start dating a much younger man, but I’m afraid that my family won’t approve. What’s the best way to go about this? – Gayle from Brooklyn

This can be really rough and I understand the problem: people are disgusted by the idea of any old person having sex. The best way to show them that it’s just a normal thing for all people is to just show them a video of you making love followed by a video of you really getting plowed.

I come from a very conservative family so I’ve had to stay in the closet for all of my life. This year, I went to college and I finally feel free. I’m going home for Thanksgiving and I want to finally face my family and tell them about the real me. Any advice? – Anonymous

I know I say this a lot, but I really need to respond to these messages in a more timely manner.

Apple or Android? – Bryan from Parma

I refuse to answer the question that I assume you’re asking and will instead address this literally.

Apples are plentiful, tasty, and a great fruit. Androids are robotic monsters that look just like us.

Apples can go rotten fairly easily. Androids will live forever after they replace us.

Apples make for a great pie. Androids do not taste good in pie.

I’m still gonna go with androids because I like Westworld.

What’s your favorite Christmas Song? – Nick from Mansfield

This was addressed in the ice cream truck question. Specifically the linked version too.


Kirkland APA

Appearance: An off-white head with really big craters lifts the eyes up at first. The beer itself is clear and moderately effervescent with a pleasing dark straw color.

Smell: Wet hay that had only just been ready to get baled and now you have to wait for three sunny days in a row so it can get dry enough. It’s incredibly frustrating and you’re ready to just get to work.

Taste: Medium body, fairly crisp. It has a sharp spiciness and tastes of malt with an herbaceous aftertaste. All of the flavors are very tame and not really pronounced. Very generic outside of the decent spice.

Overall: My biggest takeaway was that the head really thins out quickly. This felt like someone tried to make the prototypical APA and muted it down on almost all aspects. 63/100. I’d still definitely drink it in a pinch, but I wouldn’t be particularly happy about it.

Up Next: Some other Costco beer.

Beer Review #86: Olde English “800”

28 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bob Seger, Election, Homeless, MAGA, mail, Night Moves, Olde English

March Reader Mail

So who do you think is going to win the election? – Tamara C. from Boise

I really need to start posting more regularly…

What dinosaur is best? – Anonymous

Do birds count? Fried chicken.

What’s a nice beer for the Winter? – Dale from Albany

I really, really need to start posting more regularly. Try the Anchor Porter.

I’m going to college this coming Fall. Do you have any advice for incoming Freshman? – Reese from Culver City

Join a couple student groups, don’t be afraid to be turned down, get as much free food as possible, find a liquor that you enjoy, don’t schedule classes before nine, and be confident. Most of all, have fun.

What are you the worst at? – Anonymous

Answering the reader mail.

“Night Moves” is a song by the American singer-songwriter Bob Seger. It was the lead single from his ninth studio album, Night Moves (1976), released on Capitol Records. Seger wrote the song as a coming of age tale about adolescent love and adult memory of it. It was based on Seger’s own teenaged love affair he experienced in the early 1960s. It took him six months to write and was recorded quickly at Nimbus Nine Studios in Toronto, Ontario, with producer Jack Richardson. As much of Seger’s Silver Bullet Band had returned home by this point, the song was recorded with several local session musicians. – Helen W. from New York City

I don’t understand why someone sent me the Wikipedia article for the song Night Moves, but I’ll try to tackle this question.

Don’t go around digging up dead bodies, wearing them, and stalking prostitutes. They are people too. Just give them a twenty and they’ll probably do whatever. They’re people, but they’re also desperate.

Oh, and use a condom.


We have dishonored all of God’s creation

Appearance: Very carbonated with a pale straw color, slightly opaque body, and a white head that hangs around for a bit.

Smell: Just malt.

Taste: Very, very watery mouthfeel with an indescribably unpleasant taste. I legitimately can’t figure out how to describe this. It’s like if you mom was on the phone with your dad and asking why the child support check was late again and then she starts crying. Also, the aftertaste is awful and won’t go away.

Overall: This was an all around terrible experience. I can’t believe that the homeless man in front of the gas station didn’t have the discerning palate that he claimed to have. This is the last time I give any panhandlers any money unless they can recommend a fortified wine to pair with a microwave burrito or maybe offers to assassinate one of my enemies or something. I’ll give this a 12/100 and that’s only because it didn’t look entirely awful. I seriously hope that homeless man was frozen over the Winter.

Up Next: Schlitz, because there is no god.

Beer Review #85: Sam Adams Bonfire Blonde

12 Wednesday Oct 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Story Time

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Blonde, Bonfire, Chipotle, Chiptopia, Murder, Sam Adams

Adventures In Monotonous Dining Part Deux

Well the Chipotle rewards thing is over. I’m almost back to normal, but because my diet largely consisted of nothing but burritos and wheat beer I think I may have caused irreparable damage to my colon. Was it worth it? No. Let’s start where we left off!

Meal 14: There’s been an interesting wrinkle in my Chipotle visiting experience. The young lady preparing my chorizo bowl started flirting with me so I engaged in some banter in return. Upon checkout she told the cashier that this one was on her and I wasn’t charged. This also meant my Chiptopia Rewards card wasn’t scanned. I have to visit this awful place again. I’m complaining about free food.

Meal 15: Once again I was given free food, but this time I managed to get my card swiped. I’m not trying to formulate a non-creepy way of asking this woman out for a dinner on me.

Meal 16: Someone ordered a bowl with everything on the side save for the rice. Beans, meat, salsa, lettuce, cheese, and everything all had to go into individual containers. I put this person on my list.

Meal 17: Another earned free entree. I go with double carnitas and guac in a bowl. The staff very clearly knows me at this point and my order has been streamlined. I’m a the point where I know if I see a certain person working the line that my food will be awful. I try to avoid them. I usually fail.

Meal 18: I get another free meal from this woman that is clearly in to me. She comments that I look oddly professional today and I mention that I had a job downtown that day. She asks what I do for a living and I tell her that I work in numbers. She is confused. I make sure my card is swiped.

I start getting hot sauce on the side. I live almost two miles from this Chipotle and I usually walk the food home cause the cheese is perfectly melted when I get it home. Unfortunately the sauce cup opened and it went everywhere. I curse the gods.

Meal 19: Maybe I don’t like chorizo so much. There is no God.

Meal 20: When I was a young man, I once saw a man fall down an up escalator. I thought to myself at the time that (no pun intended) it was all downhill from here. I’d never have a better experience. I was right.

Meal 21: Last free entree of the month so I double up on barbacoa and guac. I get an actual burrito this time instead of a bowl. I take a demented pleasure in watching the staff struggle to roll it up. I guess I was the bad guy all along. I put myself on the list of undesirables I’ve been maintaining since this experiment began.

Meal 22: I’m mad because this should have been my last meal, but I had that debacle with the woman giving me free food. I get carnitas. An old lady behind me mentions that she’s never been to Chee-Poe-Lee-Tay before and doesn’t understand how to order. I tell her how to pronounce Chipotle. She scowled at me and then asked what the difference was between brown rice and white rice.

Meal 23: They were out of carnitas so I got the chicken. The chicken is awful. This month is over though.

2014Meal 24: It’s now September. I’ve hit the max status two months in a row, but I’m certain I can’t do it again.

I’m at a friend’s place and he asks if I want to get food. I say we have to go to Chipotle. When he asks why I tell him it’s because I have a problem. He understands.

Meal 25: I had a two week gap between meals cause I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I got another free meal from the woman that’s been flirting with me. I’ve decided that there’s no reasonable way to exchange personal information. Love at Chipotle isn’t meant to be.

Meal 26: At this point it’s impossible for me to actually get the full rewards so all the pressure is off of me. Someone ordered a quesadilla. I didn’t know they had quesadillas.

Meal 27: My final meal. There are four people in line in front of me, but the first person has requested that they make a full sized quesadilla in the tortilla warmer and then use that to make a burrito. It causes everything else to stop because the staff can’t work around that.

Eventually that abomination is finished and one of the people in front of me has two orders, both of which are being read from a phone. This person is reading item requests out of order and confusing the staff. I am about to cry.

Once I finally order, I am sure to make it quick so that the line behind me doesn’t revolt. The cashier refuses to put the lid on my bowl and demands the sole person preparing food stop with the next customer and out the lid on. Someone in line yells “Fucking hell.”

I leave and write Chipotle an angry letter. They send me coupons for two free entrees. Fuck Chipotle.


 

Sam Adams Bonfire Blonde

Sam Adams Bonfire Blonde

Appearance: Perfectly clear, effervescent for far longer than it had any business being, and topped with a creamy head that sticks around to really slide down the sides of the glass when you go to take a drink.

Smell: Toasted bread and sugar.

Taste: As soon as this hit my tongue I went to spit it out. This tastes like eating charcoal and the mouthfeel was incredibly unpleasant. The aftertaste is like bad scotch.

Overall: This may very well be the worst beer I’ve tasted, but it looked alright so it gets points for that. 23/100

Up Next: Something nice.

Beer Review #84: Genesse Ice

25 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

dicks out, epipen, genesse, genny, grandma, harambe, ice beer, Meme, Trump

Fresh New Memes 

I recently met a Meme Baron. After seducing him, marrying him, poisoning his gimlet, and raiding his stash of ultra-dank goodness. Here is what I found.

2014ASSHOLE EPIPEN

 
bulimiaGOOD GUY DONALD TRUMP

heartGRANDMA THAT YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON

phil

BLACK LIVES MATTER

If any of these adequately upset you or you need to let me know how bad I am at this, please like the facebook page or let me know on twitter. Here’s the review.

IMG_20160719_221545633Appearance: There’s a thin, white head resting on an almost amber colored beer that’s bursting with bubbles and kinda cloudy. Something seems off about it, but I can’t say what.

Smell: Pure sugar syrup.

Taste: Medium-bodied and kinda crisp. Not nearly as terrible as I assumed it would be. It’s very sweet and tastes like pennies, but the body somehow makes that tolerable. There’s not really a ton going on with it: No aftertaste, no complexity, no personality.

Overall: You could drink a lot of these on a hot day, but it’s a little creamy so eventually it would lose some of that appeal. It’s not terrible for what it is, but it’s not good. 44/100.

Up Next: Schlitz, I think.

Beer Review #83: Leinenkugel Summer Shandy

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Story Time

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Beer Review, Burrito, Carnitas, Chipotle, Chiptopia, Chorizo, Enemies, eternal pain, god, Leinenkugel, Lists, Nietzsche, Shandy

Adventures in Monotonous Dining!

On July 1st, 2016 fast-food restaurant Chipotle began its Summer rewards program “Chiptopia.” This promotion allows customers to earn free food and potentially even get over $200 in free catering.

I’ve never cared for Chipotle. I do crave free things though so I jumped on it. I’ve been thirteen times since the promotion began. Here I will detail my experience with each trip.

Meal #1: I went on July 1st and the place was packed. Fortunately they were moving people through the line pretty quickly. I got a carnitas bowl. It was shockingly good.

Recipts

Someone. Please. Help.

Meal #2: This was probably only a couple days later. I ordered the same thing because the steak and chicken looked dry and the barbacoa was an extra dollar and I’m cheap. I noticed that most of the people visiting this restaurant are not capable of placing an order in an orderly fashion. I begin to wonder if that’s where the word “orderly: comes from.

Meal #3: Same order: White rice, pinto beans, fajita veggies, carnitas, pico de gallo, salsa verde, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, lettuce.

I get stuck behind an old woman that has two orders. She can’t remember what belongs to which entree. She doesn’t know what a burrito is. She doesn’t know what guacamole is. She has caused the line to go almost out the door. She is the one person in the world I truly despise.

Meal #4: Same meal. The restaurant was disturbingly empty. I think the woman making my bowl gave me extra meat so I give her a smile and nod in a way that says “thanks.” It may have come off more like “You have something I crave.” I stop smiling that day.

Meal #5: My first free meal. I decide to get the barbacoa. Eating something new was such a relief. The barbacoa tastes mostly like pot roast though; it wasn’t seasoned very aggressively.

A child keeps running around the store while his mother tries to order for him. He will not pay attention as his mother asks what he wants. I add him to my enemies list.

Meal #6: Back to the Carnitas bowl. I think the employees are starting to recognize me. I’ve picked up on the most efficient ways to order. It seems like that’s appreciated.

Meal #7: At this point I pretty much hate the food at Chipotle, but I can get two meals out of seven dollars so I keep going. I decide to mix things up and get steak. I now regret doing that.

When I got this bowl, the man in line in front of me ordered a quesadilla. I didn’t even see quesadillas on the menu. They can’t use that tortilla warming device for anyone else while this is happening. I add him to my enemies list.

Meal #8: AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Meal #9: My second free entree. I learned that the free entree can effectively be anything so I go for double barbacoa and guac on top of my regular bowl ingredients. It is far too much food, but for the first time in a long time I feel a sense of accomplishment. This bowl would have cost twice as much as my usual order.

Someone in line behind me was asked if they wanted black or pinto beans. They asked which beans were the black beans. I put them on the list.

Napkins

At least I never have to buy napkins ever again.

Meal #10: I discover that I could have been getting chorizo this whole time. All is right with the world.

Meal #11: My last meal of July.

I think it was Nietzsche that said “He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.” Chipotle has taken away most of my humanity. I go through the line like a robot and order a chorizo bowl.

This chorizo might bring me back. God bless you chorizo. Wait, maybe the chorizo is god? I must consume it so that I might become god.

Meal #12: It’s now August. I have another free entree so I go back to the double barbacoa and guac bowl; tortilla on the side. I’ve been making my own burrito with the side tortilla and then eating the rest of the bowl later. I’m pretty much on a Chipotle diet at this point because I typically eat once a day so that bowl is tomorrows dinner.

I held the door open for a family of five. I did this against my better judgement. Fortunately the mother didn’t give her three kids any choice in what they were getting. I wanted to kiss her. She knew my struggle.

Meal #13: Yesterday I got another chorizo bowl. The woman making my burrito was incredibly upbeat. The chorizo has given me it’s power and now I am in complete control of this restaurant. That is the only explanation for this turnaround. I can feel it’s power filling my heart.

I will use this power for good. That means demanding answers from all of the horrible people on my list. They must answer for disrespecting a god.

Remember to like and share everything you see so that I don’t use my new sausage powers on your mom. Like the Facebook page and follow us on twitter. There’s e-mail too, but I honestly just don’t care to link it today. Literally anything will get through as long as you add @boozeandothernonsense.com to it. Here’s the beer review.


Leinenkugel Summer Shandy

I drank this in an enchanted forest for peak flavor.

Appearance: Very cloudy with a golden color and decently thick, white head. Fairly bubbly and the head dies down fairly quickly.

Smell: Lemons. Pretty much nothing but sweetness and lemons. It is overpowering.

Taste: It feels shockingly nice on the tongue. The body is on the line between medium and thin and it’s fairly crisp. This all lends for a nice effect on a hot, sunny day.

The actual taste, however, is far too sweet to even begin to try to find any other flavor. It’s just lemons and far too much sugar. It almost hurts my teeth.

Overall: There’s really not a lot going on here, but I can understand why someone would drink a few of these out of a bucket of ice on a nice day. If you have a tolerance for sweet things this would be a dream. I can only give it a 55/100. It should actually be much lower, but the mouthfeel was nice and it didn’t look terrible.

Up Next: Something cheap from the gas station.

Beer Review #82: Miller High Life

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Lists

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

AIDS, Bugs, Chipotle, High Life, Kazaam, Lists, mail, Miller, Spiders, Trump

August Reader Mail

What do you think of Donald Trump? – Steve from D.C.

He’s a demagogue that’s giving a voice to bigots. He want’s to pull out of our strategic alliances and use our nuclear arsenal as a first strike option; undoing several decades worth of work that’s kept the world more safe. He lacks any real substance or experience so he makes up for it by acting like a clown and attacking his opponents with personal insults. He can barely run his campaign and he’d have more money today if he’d just invested all that money his dad gave him into an unmanaged index fund.

All that being said, he’s provided me hours upon hours of entertainment so what’s not to like? Sure, I’m interacting with way more openly racist people than I was a year ago, but that’s a small price to pay for this orange carnival barker’s three ring circus.

What the hell is going on with these reviews? Did you just buy a bunch of shitty beer at a gas station? Are you going to review anything good? – Dave from Mississippi

I’ll answer all three questions in order: I’m punishing myself, yes, I hope so.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had some good lists. Got any in you? – Anonymous

We’re well into Anal August so let’s do the 2016 Summer Lists:

Presidential Candidates Spouses by Hotness

5- Bill Clinton
4- Kelley Paul
3- Karen Kasich
2- Jeanette Rubio
1- Melania Trump

Bugs

5- Butterfly
4- Spider
3- Mantis
2- Bee
1- Firefly

Non-Chicken Eggs

5- Spider
4- Human
3- Goose
2- Sturgeon
1- Duck

Chipotle Proteins

5- Steak
4- Chicken
3- Sofritas
2- Barbacoa
1- Carnitas

Things To Yell Right Before Orgasm

5- “Bazinga!”
4- “Team Rocket’s Blasting Off Again!”
3- “Who’s Your Grandpa?!”
2- “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT MY FACE!”
1- “Feel the Bern!”

People ask you for dating advice all the time, how’s your love life going? – [REDACTED] from [REDACTED]

Mom, you’ve already got a couple grand kids. If this is tied into how your will pays out then I might go hose some women down, but until then I’m using my horrible personality and awful face as my primary form of birth control.

If you’re actually just interested, I’ve had one decently long relationship this year. She and I had a lot in common: fear of someone driving a steamroller over you and your skeleton popping out of your mouth, gin, that feeling you get when you look to the west, children experiencing disappointment publicly, bawdy limericks, and seeing her naked.

It all ended the same way it began: The 1996 Shaquille O’Neal film ‘Kazaam’.


Well that was as awful as usual. Remember to add us on Facebook and Twitter if you want to bother someone. I promise to not insult you if you’re the right race.

Yep, that's it alright.

Yep, that’s it alright.

Appearance: Energetic and crystal clear. A decent white head builds up, but only leaves a thin floating island of foam floating in the top of my glass. It’s has the unnatural almost neon yellow color of most American light beer. Fairly large bubbles fill up the sides of the glass.

Smell: A poorly insulated attic a day after light rain. Burnt hair.

Taste: A pretty decent medium-bodied beer with a fair bit of astringency. The flavor is flat and one-note: just charred malt. There’s absolutely nothing else.

Overall: This was significantly worse than I assumed it would be. At least the other terrible light beers had a bit of flavor and didn’t smell so bad. This looked fine enough, but I like a girl with personality. 31/100.

Up Next: Something bad!

Beer Review #81: Rolling Rock

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Reader Mail

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Beer Pong, College, Hamilton, High Life, Lager, mail, Miller, The Room Where It Happened

July Reader Mail

Do you think Sanders still has a shot at the Democratic nomination? – Lyle, Huber Heights

I seriously need to answer these e-mails in a more timely fashion.

How old is too old to be getting into fist fights? – Anonymous

I think this all really depends on context. If you’re on the beach building a sandcastle for your best gal and some street tough kicks it over and takes your girl then you’re morally obligated to spend months working out so that you can challenge him to a fight and win back your woman because for some reason in these scenarios women are property.

Stop getting in fights. It’s dumb. Have a couple drinks and talk it out. Then poison the other guy.

How do you feel about Hamilton? – John, for Cincinnati.

Anyone that doesn’t like it is a racist or descendant of Aaron Burr.

Ur gay – [expletive deleted], from [expletive deleted]

no u.

I’m starting college this fall and I’m really nervous about it. Any tips? – Harrison, from Dayton

If you’re living in dorms make sure to befriend the RA. They’ll be less likely to fuck with you. Also try to identify all the cool people on your floor and try to hang out with them. Join a couple clubs and hang out with those people too. Just be as social as you can because you’re gonna have less time for it in later years.

Don’t take too many classes and don’t take any of your classes too seriously. Remember that the world isn’t over if you fail a test. Go to a professor’s office hours twice and they will remember you for some time after the class is over. Every week, try to ask at least two questions in your various classes.

Watch what you eat and don’t party too hard too early. Learn the rules to beer pong. Ease into it. Play safe. Have fun.

As always, check out the Facebook and Twitter pages and share them with your friends of I swear to god I will pull this car over.


Ughhhh

Ughhhh

Appearance: This is the most carbonated beer I’ve ever seen. Giant bubbles for a seemingly never ending stream of carbon dioxide pushing up towards the surface. A enormous, pure-white head is born from this and it keeps for much longer than you’d expect for this sort of beer. It has that unfortunate urine-of-a-dehydrated-person yellow that is the standard for an American pale lager, but if that’s the ideal I suppose it’s fine.

Smell: Moldy breakfast cereal. This is why we don’t buy beer in clear or green bottles. The aroma is totally one note and it’s a pretty sour one at that.

Taste: Unpleasant. The body is weak and watery; something that does a great disservice to those gorgeous bubbles. A little thicker and this could be a perfectly crisp beer, a standard by which others could measure themselves.

It tastes like the smell of a book you accidentally spilled water on and now you’ve taken to airing it out with a hair dryer. Fortunately there’s no aftertaste and the body is thin enough to keep it from lingering on the tongue. This is one of the most boring tasting beers I’ve ever had. It has flavor, but that flavor is solely that of weak malt covered up by decay.

Overall: I’m still mesmerized by the bubbles. They may get a bit weaker as time goes on, but even then it seems more active than half of the other beers out there. If this was a beauty contest, this beer would win the pale lager category. Unfortunately, beer is for drinking and I never want to drink this again. 36/100

Up Next: Expect a bunch of terrible beers from the nearby gas station!

A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again

24 Friday Jun 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Story Time

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Cavs, cleveland, exhaustion, heat, parade, shooting, tower city, worst day

On the (Nearly Lethal) Thrills of a Parade in Cleveland

On Sunday, June 19th 2016 I probably couldn’t have been more happy. A curse had been lifted: A Cleveland sports franchise had won a championship for the first time in 52 years.

Here in my native Columbus the city was full of celebrants all discussing LeBron’s huge block, Kyrie’s clutch three, Kevin Love’s tight defense, and what the reaction must be like up in the city of Cleveland. I hadn’t been that happy in some time and I wanted to keep that feeling going for as long as I could. I agreed to drive up to the parade with my friend Trevor, a native of northeast Ohio, so that we could see the city at it’s best.

That would be my first of several horrible decisions.

IMG_20160624_114414760[1]We left Columbus early Wednesday, the day of the parade, and made it into Avon Lake, where his mother lived, around three in the morning. She was excited for us. We talked about the city’s estimate of 800,000 attendees being too low. We talked about the last minute efforts to bring in toilets. We talked about not being able to bring a cooler on such a hot day.

We talked about heading out early to get a good spot so Trevor and I hopped back into his car, drove to a nearby RTA train station, and at 4:39 a.m. we had a couple of day passes and huge smiles on our faces. The train was full of smiling faces and you could feel a special kind of electricity in the air. This was going to be a memorable day. How I wish it hadn’t been.

Downtown Cleveland was cool that morning. Trevor and I walked around and found a nice spot on the curb right at the final turn of the parade. There were only a few dozen people around and we were all glad knowing that we’d be right up front. So far the only weird thing we’d seen all day was a possibly drunk person sprinting down the sidewalk, smacking balloons, and face-planting when he caught his wrist in one. We had a backpack with four bottles of water and some jerky. All was good in the world.

Around seven a.m. a police cruiser came by and told us not to sit on the curb as the streets needed to be clear. This was the last real effort that the police would make to keep the parade route open.

cavs2016

Around eight the sidewalks were getting packed. Also, car traffic on the streets still hadn’t been blocked off. I noted how alarming this was as the parade was set to begin at eleven. Compounding problems, more and more people were still showing up and there was nowhere left to go but the streets so not there are cars and people filling up every inch of space.

The first people to stand in front of me and Trevor were an older woman and a young couple. They arrived around nine. We informed them that they couldn’t be in the streets, but they assured us they were just waiting for someone and would be on their way.

After half an hour it was clear they weren’t moving so we again raised some objections, noting that we’d been here since five specifically to get a good, unobstructed spot. Our pleas went unanswered and because we didn’t want to resort to violence we did the next best thing we could think of to make the uncomfortable.

I began loudly telling Trevor crude stories about my sexual exploits, killing my grandmother just to claim an inheritance, and any horrible thing I can think of. Trevor replied with horrible insults about these three rude people with the full intention that they’d overhear. When I asked “Who do you think would win in a fight between this old broad’s dry ovaries and polycystic ovarian syndrome,” we got rude looks, but no movement.

I started to notice that it was getting hot. The entire crowd began to seem frustrated.

Around ten the streets still didn’t seem free of cars and the parade was in an hour. bodies were beginning to fill in all the gaps between traffic. A woman pulled up to the traffic signal with the intent to make a turn, but it was impossible. Her solution was to just stay parked until she got her way.

IMG_20160622_093826272[1]

This began a huge backlog of traffic. Other people were getting out of their cars to scream and threaten this entitled woman. I noted that there had been a strange lack of any police presence since being asked not to sit on the curb four hours ago.

After about fifteen minutes an officer arrived and forced her to go straight. They asked the crowd to clear the road. There was no way for the crowd to clear the road. Those people weren’t going anywhere and even if the wanted to there was nowhere to go at this point.

I was asking Trevor for a time check after what I thought was every half hour, but I’d learn that only ten minutes had passed. It was getting hotter. We couldn’t move. We were surrounded by bodies. Once eleven came around I was ready for this to be over. We got excited for the first float.

Someone announced they heard drumming and the crowed cheered. Unfortunately is was a single slow moving motorcycle cop cutting through the middle of the crowd that had completely filled the street. He begged for them to clear the road, but as he passed the wall of people just closed up behind him.

The next supposed sound of drumming, which came half an hour later, was the same thing. Things got mixed up around noon when a wall of police mounted on horses managed to actually push through a decent sized path for the parade.

Trevor noted that if we’d gotten here at noon we’d have had the best spots. Also, that it was very hot. I said that I was beginning to feel nausea and a tingling in my hands and feet. Finally, around 12:30 the parade seemed to be starting.

The first thing we saw was, I think, a truck full of unidentifiable people. about ten minutes later the Ohio State University marching band came through, only able to march two by two, and not playing any music. This string of ten minute gaps followed by something disappointing was a running theme.

Maybe around 1:30, Cavaliers coach Ty Lue came through. That was nice.

After a bunch more filler we saw owner Dan Gilbert.

More filler and half an hour later we saw JR Smith.

Filler, time, Kyrie Irving.

People around us were asking if I was okay. I was clearly suffering from heat exhaustion. Fortunately we timed our trip to a medical tent with the arrival of Lebron James so at least this trip was all for nothing.

Finally out of the crowd my breathing became normal, but I could barely walk. We asked a group of five or six police that were standing around doing nothing where the nearest medical professionals were. They pointed to a fire truck and ambulance with flashing lights. When we got there there wasn’t a single fireman or EMT present. We decided to just walk away from the parade to find somewhere to sit down and get water.

After a walk that was longer than normal because I had to stop frequently to keep myself from vomiting we found a bar that was shockingly not packed and I collapsed down on the floor and chugged ice water. Trevor had a couple drinks and we decided to leave this hell hole.We walked back to the train station we’d come from, Tower City. It was five in the afternoon. The day went from bad to worse to outright terrifying.

cavs20163

It was significantly worse than this when we were in line. Imagine this with another loop going in the opposite direction.

The main open area of Tower City contained a line of people that spiraled around a large, oval-shaped fountain in such a way that there seemed to be three or four lines of people all facing opposite directions. Eventually finding what we guessed was the end of a line, we jumped in and asked what the line was for. A kind gentleman told us that he didn’t know. We hoped this would work out.

The line was grueling. It would speed up, move at a snails pace, or just stop for ten minutes. Everyone’s phones were dead. I began to feel the symptoms of heat exhaustion again so I sat down and just scooted along. After a seeming eternity we made it down to the platform for the redline and saw more bodies packed into one place than should be allowed by any fire marshal. Then our wait began.

The first train didn’t come for half an hour. People were getting antsy. Someone tried to start a “Let’s Go Cavs” chant but was met with the entire crowd chanting back “Let’s go Home!” Then we noticed that everyone on the platform across from us was springing away from the stairs that led to the platform, some jumping onto the tracks and fleeing the station. Panic set in all around. I was ready to die in what I thought was the inevitable terrorist attack.

A klaxon sounded and some people began to cry. The was a muffled message delivered over an intercom. We were all trapped and had no idea what was coming for us.

Nothing ever happened. More people walked down to our platform seemingly oblivious to everything. Finally trains seemed to appear with a regular frequency. Trevor and I managed to actually find seats on one of the packed cars after watching four other trains leave without us.

On the train, a visibly shaken woman told us about seeing shattered glass everywhere upstairs. She told us a man tried to pull her under a table for her safety and that police asked if anyone had seen a shooter. She talked about putting her hands up when police came back through with raised guns to clear out the place. Trevor and I were happy we missed that. We’d later learn that the garbled announcement was “Active shooter. Please remain where you are.”

cavs20162

Eventually, after dealing with a train conductor that thought this was a time to joke around on the intercom, we made it back to his mom’s place and shared our horror story. I drank nearly an entire bottle of the coldest possible gin I could create. We had a nice late dinner and I passed out as a horrible storm swept through.


I realize now that with a few key changes we could have had a nice time. We thought bags would be checked, you know what with the recent shootings and attacks in crowded places, but there was never any police presence. We should have brought a could of full coolers and threw in some booze to boot.

Because the police didn’t keep the streets clear there was no point in arriving before noon. That would have saved a lot of grief.

We very easily could have driven in instead of taking a train. Being stuck in an air conditioned car with a radio would have been fine. Though I now recall when we first put on the radio as we were driving back to Trevor’s mother’s house the first thing we heard was someone mentioning all the bad things that happened that day, but insisting that the parade was a success.


I fully blame the police for not having any sort of plan for the parade. The roads should have been clear of traffic by eight. They should have come through every fifteen minutes to clear the road, not once at six in the morning then again at eleven.

The actual planned needed the route to be three times longer. There should have been water and more restrooms for the public. There should have been a quarter as many “floats” as most were just a trolley full of uninteresting people, or a kid dancing on a car, or Cleveland’s arena football team.


Stray observations:

About four times a fire crew carrying equipment walked by us asking if we knew where the fire hydrant was. I don’t think they ever found it.

Someone brought an old man in a wheelchair and just left him baking in the sun, unattended, for about six hours.

Lots of people openly smoking pot.

A man was asking around for a bottle opener. I always have one. He let me have a sip of his beer for letting him use it.

I now hate Cleveland.

The RNC is going to be a total shit show. There are already reports of the police not properly planning for it.

Polish people are nice.

Fuck parades. (But if the Tribe or Browns win it all I’ll probably be back.)

← Older posts

Categories

  • Beer Review
  • Behind Closed Doors
  • Humor
  • Lists
  • Movie Review
  • Reader Mail
  • Story Time
  • Trolling Craigslist
  • Uncategorized

Get Updates Through Facebook

Get Updates Through Facebook

Twitter Nonsense

My Tweets

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Sites I Like

  • Columbus Food and Beer
  • Fleeing Nergal, Seeking Stars

Ultimate Six Pack (Six Highest Rated Beers)

  • Anchor Porter
  • Franziskaner Weissbier
  • Murphy's Stout
  • Founders Breakfast Stout
  • Great Lakes Edmund Fitzgerald
  • Great Lakes Blackout Stout

Recent Posts

  • 2020 Year End Lists! January 3, 2021
  • 2019 Year End Lists January 1, 2020
  • Beer Review #87: Kirkland Signature APA (Costco Adventures #1) December 13, 2018
  • Zen and the Art of Fuck it. October 22, 2018
  • The Electric Whiskey Honey Test. February 28, 2018

Archives

  • January 2021
  • January 2020
  • December 2018
  • October 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • August 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • March 2016
  • December 2015
  • August 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012

Ignore This

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.com

Contact Us

Send Mail

Facebook

Twitter

Copyright 2012-2021

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Cancel

 
Loading Comments...
Comment
    ×
    Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
    To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy