I only gave myself one parameter to measure my status of keeping shit together: making it to the gym. It has been a solid week since I’ve stepped foot in there and I can easily say that I have failed to meet that simple parameter. Going to the gym requires being of sound body and I have not been nurturing myself as I should be. Cooking just hasn’t been something I have been able to bring myself to do so I have just been eating bread and hummus, which has left me feeling drained and weak. That could also be the result of going to the bar every single night and closing the place down each time. The past few days have been the same: napping all day while watching The Simpsons and then going out drinking and talking to strangers all night. I have met more people in the past week than I did in the year that we were together. We’ll see where this goes, but I rate spiraling into self destruction: 93%
As this is my first entry, I feel as though I should let you know what I intend to do with my entries. My therapist said writing would be a great way for me to help boost my sense of self worth and gather together my thoughts on day to day experience. Journaling sucks because I feel like some things just need to be shared. So I decided to talk about the random things I come across in my daily life, whether they be restaurants, new recipes, or life experiences in the hopes that these entries might bring you some additional knowledge of the world around you and maybe every now and then make you laugh.
For example, I recently separated from my partner. I received my invitation to contribute to this website coincidentally on the first day I’ve been sober since things ended. The last two weeks have been a blur of anxiety and depression about what is going to happen to the apartment we share. Sub review: I give living with a partner .316 stars out of 5 and would only recommend it if your only other option is being homeless.
For a few days, I thought I was going to get stuck paying the rent, which I can’t afford on my own. So that lead to thoughts of self harm and disappearing off the face of the Earth. In all fairness, it doesn’t take much for those thoughts to surface rather quickly. Out of desperation, we agreed to continue living together for now and I hope a magical fairy will agree to sublease the place before I throw myself off the balcony. We fight nearly every day and having to look at the face of the person who broke my heart is the gasoline on the fire of my alcoholism.
That being said, I was surprisingly pleased with the powdered peanut butter. I added it to a protein smoothie with frozen bananas, frozen peaches, and almond milk. The couple of bits of peanut butter that didn’t get totally blended up had a surprisingly pleasant peanut butter-like texture and it didn’t leave an impossible-to-clean mess inside my blender. Rating: 74%