“If people vaccinated their kids, there wouldn’t be a measles outbreak.”

“People shouldn’t drink alcohol until they’re 21. Giving booze to a kid would be abuse!”

“Homeopathy doesn’t work! And there’s no evidence that getting your kid drunk will cure their diseases!”

“You’re an idiot for thinking vaccines cause autism. Your kids are all dumb and you didn’t vaccinate them, how do you explain that?!”

Do these italicized remarks sound familiar to you? If so, you might just be part of the cool small group of people who actually know what’s going on in the world. Congratulations. Most mortals will never figure out that all of society is out to get them; that so-called “do-gooders” lurk around every corner, waiting to harm their children while joyously screaming, “It’s for your own good!”. Luckily you and your children will be safe and sound, thanks to you and your magical reasoning powers. It takes someone brave, someone with an unbelievable mind, to stand in the face of a mountain of evidence and say, “NO. I know the truth.” It takes someone like you, and someone like me, to say no to vaccines.

Now that we’re on this journey together, I thought we could discuss some actual, proven, beneficial ways to treat your child’s illness.

Whiskey:

Treats most ailments. The active ingredient is called “ethanol”, which sounds like a chemical, but it’s old, so it isn’t a chemical. It’s a natural product, so naturally, it works. My child had the flu so I gave her one shot of whiskey every eight hours until her symptoms improved. After three days, her treatment was complete as she only had a mild headache. Whiskey effectively cured my daughter of influenza. Can pharmaceutical companies do that? No.

Big pharmaceutical companies would tell me I should have gotten the flu vaccine for my child, but flu vaccines don’t work and make kids autistic. My method cures the flu, but of course pharmaceutical companies would never recognize that because they just want to make money.

Chanting (yelling, singing, or impersonating Will Ferrell will also work):

This method is not as effective as whiskey, but is powerful in that there are no chemicals involved. There is only air and sound, which contain no chemicals and no toxins. If your child is sensitive to chemicals, even ancient ones like those found in whiskey, chanting or chanting substitutions should be used. My child had food poisoning once and after twelve hours of chanting, she felt much better.

The CDC would say that I should cook my food longer to prevent food poisoning, but that’s because they’re in cahoots with big electric companies that want me to keep my stove on longer. Chanting cures food poisoning. Cooking food longer causes autism, and you could die of dysentery if you eat overcooked food.

Hair of old man:

Though it may be difficult to find, hair of old man is one of the most effective ways of treating illness. Because an old man has lived to an old age, his hair contains health-promoting properties. Simply put the hair in a locket and place the locket on your child. For stronger treatment, more hair and more time wearing the locket will suffice. If you have trouble getting hair from an old man, you may find it easier to make a request on craigslist personals (see also: Trolling Craigslist).

It’s simple: natural methods simply make more sense than using vaccines or medicines made by the government. Natural methods are non-profit, unlike the government, which will try to get our hard-earned money at any cost. The three methods I shared with you today are only the most common and effective means of treating illness. For hundreds of other ways to treat illness, either send me an email or subscribe to our weekly newsletter, “Smart Choice Alternative Medicine”–S.C.A.M. for short. The newsletter is only $5 a week, or $300 for our year long bonus offer!

And remember, DO NOT use beer to treat illness. Beer contains carbon dioxide, which is a known toxin. It also does not contain enough ethanol to effectively treat a child. If whiskey can’t be found, other spirits high in alcohol can be used.

Have you been feeling fatigued? Lame? Is that 2:30 feeling getting you down? Wish you could last a little longer in bed, perhaps up to twenty four hours longer? Do you wish you could lose weight without all the effort? Well, it sounds like you might need some ice cold, refreshing Coca Cola Plus.

Coca Cola Plus is a new, revolutionary product that contains NMPPA*, a natural ingredient made by organic scientists in laboratories. NMPPA is an activator of several natural neurotransmitters in the brain and is found in the body naturally after consuming Coca Cola Plus. The activation of the neurotransmitters is what activates all of the good-feeling energy that you get after drinking it.

9 out of 10 scientists that we included in our survey agree that drinking a can of Coca Cola Plus is a healthier and safer alternative to napping, exercising regularly, or having a cold glass of water. Dr. Hooba of Cornell explains, “Cold water is sometimes too cold.  Exercising can be taxing on the body, causing stress fractures or fatal bike accidents. Napping can make you even more tired, and once you go to sleep, how do you know you’ll wake up?” It’s simple–Coca Cola Plus is a much safer way to feel energized. Make sure to give Coca Cola Plus to your children so they’ll stay safe too and grow up nice and strong.

You may be asking yourself, what can Coca Cola Plus do for you? Perhaps a better question would be, “What can it not do?” Coca Cola Plus can help you wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, and it can make you feel like a hero even when you’re a zero, all for just $1.69. It can keep you fucking all through the night and to the next morning until you wish it would just stop. It can give you the irresistible feeling of having bugs crawling on your face without actually having to be exposed to the West Nile Virus. Coca Cola Plus is love. Coca Cola Plus is life. Drink Coca Cola Plus, and never stop.

*N-methyl-1-phenylpropan-2-amine