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Booze and Other Nonsense

~ Musings of a psychopathic alcoholic, raconteurs, film buff, and more!

Booze and Other Nonsense

Author Archives: Ms. Ann Thrope

What Actually Happens When You Eat Pizza Before It Cools? The Answer May Surprise You

22 Wednesday Feb 2017

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Story Time

≈ Leave a comment

When you eat a slice of pizza before it’s cool, you’ll burn the roof of your mouth. You’ll probably want some orange juice to cool it down, so you’ll drink a nice tall glass. The acid will make the pain worse. Your gums will get real torn up and your teeth will fall out.

You’ll gather your teeth and put them in a jar. You’ll walk outside. You’ll ask the first person you see for help. She’s a woman wearing a nylon jacket. She has soft brown hair and she’s holding the hand of a child. She will turn around and look at you, mouth covered in blood, and then at the jar of teeth. She will be so frightened that her teeth will fall out, and her child will be so frightened from the screams that his teeth will fall out too. They will put their teeth in jars and ask other people for help, and those people will become so frightened that their teeth will fall out and they will put them in jars too.

Within three days, most people on the globe will have lost their teeth. The terror will transcend species. Cows, horses and wolves will wear their teeth in jars around their necks like amulets and they won’t know why. They will be unable to graze or hunt or chew and they will begin to starve. Within four days, there will be no creature with even one tooth left in its mouth. Some of the animals will not mind because they never had teeth. Some of the animals will be happy because their predator used to have teeth. Most will not understand the gravity of what happened and will simply experience the effects, because their brains are not predisposed to understanding the cause.

The tooth fairy will have to deal with an unprecedented financial burden. She will withdraw all her assets at once. She will sell her company to elves. The stock market in the Fairy Kingdom will crash. Millions of fairies will be left homeless on the streets and most of them will starve, not unlike the animals of the Earth.

The mass death of the fairies will cause a shortage in supernatural labor, specifically for the gods who are in charge of maintaining the laws of physics but are too lazy to actually do the work. It will have been so long since they did their job that they will no longer remember how to do it. The task of keeping matter together will not be attended to. The fabric of time will get real torn up and the space will fall out.

You’ll gather up the space and put it into a jar. You’ll walk outside. You’ll ask the first person you see for help.

This public service announcement brought to you by Ann’s Pizza on Bethel Road. We book birthday parties–CALL TODAY!

What I’ve Been Doing These Past Two Years Besides Writing on This Blog (Actually REALLY Cool Stuff)

19 Thursday Jan 2017

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Lists

≈ Leave a comment

So yeah, everyone’s asking me all the time like, “Why’d you stop writing for BOT?” and I’m just like, “Girl, can you not?” because I literally have SO. MANY. good reasons that I took a break from all this bullshit. That’s right, it was a break. I didn’t even stop writing completely. I just wasn’t writing on this ONE website so y’all can chill now. STOP FREAKING OUT. It’s not like taking a two year break is unheard of. Lots of people take two year breaks from shit, like when I took a two year break from coke in rehab. That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly not a coke-head after I took a two year break. So it’s not like after two years I’m not Ms. Ann Thrope anymore either. Even though that’s what the media would like you to believe.

I KNOW that all the magazines say I joined a cult to try and battle my inner demons but that’s so not true. I don’t even know what a demon is! How could I join a cult to fight something that I don’t even know about? You want to know the real reason I disappeared for two years? I’ll give it to you in a nice buzzfeed-type list without the gifs to make it nice and easy for you.

  1. The reason I’m famous is because of my looks, not my writing. I have OTHER things to do besides write, like look fucking amazing. It’s hard work, and no, you wouldn’t understand so don’t even start with that shit.
  2. The CEO of Booze and Other Nonsense said that I had to stop selling my products on his site, and said that all my ideas sucked. HE SUCKS.
  3. I’M A CEO NOW. I’m too busy to be writing dumbass articles for some beer review site. I’m now a thriving entrepreneur who sells filters to SNAPCHAT for your dick to make it glamorous. Your dick is already amazing. Imagine it with a cute duck face! What’s more is that the filters only cost 25 cents* each. It’s a great deal, for a great service!
  4. I went to Alaska for a cruise. There isn’t even internet there because it’s so cold. I guess the computers froze! How am I supposed to write on an online blog in ALASKA?
  5. I’ve been managing Trump’s twitter account. Ever wonder how all that depth and insight fits into 140 characters? That’s me, bitch.
  6. I joined a really cool club, that was NOT a cult. They changed my name to Jane and said I shouldn’t wear my hear up anymore because it’s too masculine. They also broke my computer because I was being tempted by false idols, which was super helpful. They were REALLY nice! NOT A CULT.

So I guess the main point of this article would be that you shouldn’t judge me based on what you’ve heard from the media, and should realize that I’m actually a really great person. Maybe even the best person. And if you need any special filters for a special friend, you know who to call.

*25 cents is a REALLY good deal. DON’T PASS THIS UP.

Vaccinations and Whiskey: What Big Pharma Doesn’t Want You to Know

12 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

“If people vaccinated their kids, there wouldn’t be a measles outbreak.”

“People shouldn’t drink alcohol until they’re 21. Giving booze to a kid would be abuse!”

“Homeopathy doesn’t work! And there’s no evidence that getting your kid drunk will cure their diseases!”

“You’re an idiot for thinking vaccines cause autism. Your kids are all dumb and you didn’t vaccinate them, how do you explain that?!”

Do these italicized remarks sound familiar to you? If so, you might just be part of the cool small group of people who actually know what’s going on in the world. Congratulations. Most mortals will never figure out that all of society is out to get them; that so-called “do-gooders” lurk around every corner, waiting to harm their children while joyously screaming, “It’s for your own good!”. Luckily you and your children will be safe and sound, thanks to you and your magical reasoning powers. It takes someone brave, someone with an unbelievable mind, to stand in the face of a mountain of evidence and say, “NO. I know the truth.” It takes someone like you, and someone like me, to say no to vaccines.

Now that we’re on this journey together, I thought we could discuss some actual, proven, beneficial ways to treat your child’s illness.

Whiskey:

Treats most ailments. The active ingredient is called “ethanol”, which sounds like a chemical, but it’s old, so it isn’t a chemical. It’s a natural product, so naturally, it works. My child had the flu so I gave her one shot of whiskey every eight hours until her symptoms improved. After three days, her treatment was complete as she only had a mild headache. Whiskey effectively cured my daughter of influenza. Can pharmaceutical companies do that? No.

Big pharmaceutical companies would tell me I should have gotten the flu vaccine for my child, but flu vaccines don’t work and make kids autistic. My method cures the flu, but of course pharmaceutical companies would never recognize that because they just want to make money.

Chanting (yelling, singing, or impersonating Will Ferrell will also work):

This method is not as effective as whiskey, but is powerful in that there are no chemicals involved. There is only air and sound, which contain no chemicals and no toxins. If your child is sensitive to chemicals, even ancient ones like those found in whiskey, chanting or chanting substitutions should be used. My child had food poisoning once and after twelve hours of chanting, she felt much better.

The CDC would say that I should cook my food longer to prevent food poisoning, but that’s because they’re in cahoots with big electric companies that want me to keep my stove on longer. Chanting cures food poisoning. Cooking food longer causes autism, and you could die of dysentery if you eat overcooked food.

Hair of old man:

Though it may be difficult to find, hair of old man is one of the most effective ways of treating illness. Because an old man has lived to an old age, his hair contains health-promoting properties. Simply put the hair in a locket and place the locket on your child. For stronger treatment, more hair and more time wearing the locket will suffice. If you have trouble getting hair from an old man, you may find it easier to make a request on craigslist personals (see also: Trolling Craigslist).

It’s simple: natural methods simply make more sense than using vaccines or medicines made by the government. Natural methods are non-profit, unlike the government, which will try to get our hard-earned money at any cost. The three methods I shared with you today are only the most common and effective means of treating illness. For hundreds of other ways to treat illness, either send me an email or subscribe to our weekly newsletter, “Smart Choice Alternative Medicine”–S.C.A.M. for short. The newsletter is only $5 a week, or $300 for our year long bonus offer!

And remember, DO NOT use beer to treat illness. Beer contains carbon dioxide, which is a known toxin. It also does not contain enough ethanol to effectively treat a child. If whiskey can’t be found, other spirits high in alcohol can be used.

Coca-Cola Plus–Awesome, or Even Awesomer?

21 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Have you been feeling fatigued? Lame? Is that 2:30 feeling getting you down? Wish you could last a little longer in bed, perhaps up to twenty four hours longer? Do you wish you could lose weight without all the effort? Well, it sounds like you might need some ice cold, refreshing Coca Cola Plus.

Coca Cola Plus is a new, revolutionary product that contains NMPPA*, a natural ingredient made by organic scientists in laboratories. NMPPA is an activator of several natural neurotransmitters in the brain and is found in the body naturally after consuming Coca Cola Plus. The activation of the neurotransmitters is what activates all of the good-feeling energy that you get after drinking it.

9 out of 10 scientists that we included in our survey agree that drinking a can of Coca Cola Plus is a healthier and safer alternative to napping, exercising regularly, or having a cold glass of water. Dr. Hooba of Cornell explains, “Cold water is sometimes too cold.  Exercising can be taxing on the body, causing stress fractures or fatal bike accidents. Napping can make you even more tired, and once you go to sleep, how do you know you’ll wake up?” It’s simple–Coca Cola Plus is a much safer way to feel energized. Make sure to give Coca Cola Plus to your children so they’ll stay safe too and grow up nice and strong.

You may be asking yourself, what can Coca Cola Plus do for you? Perhaps a better question would be, “What can it not do?” Coca Cola Plus can help you wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, and it can make you feel like a hero even when you’re a zero, all for just $1.69. It can keep you fucking all through the night and to the next morning until you wish it would just stop. It can give you the irresistible feeling of having bugs crawling on your face without actually having to be exposed to the West Nile Virus. Coca Cola Plus is love. Coca Cola Plus is life. Drink Coca Cola Plus, and never stop.

*N-methyl-1-phenylpropan-2-amine

 

Love in the Desert

28 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Story Time

≈ Leave a comment

“I just don’t understand why he doesn’t like me,” sighed Mary Magdelene. “We have so much in common, and I’m pretty damn godly as far as humans go…”

“Who, Jesus?”, asked the other Mary. “Trust me, Maggie, it’s not you.”

“What do you mean? Of course it’s me. There’s nothing wrong with Jesus–he has no faults, so it has to be my fault.”

“That’s not what I meant. I don’t think he’s into the fairer sex if you know what I mean. You’ve seen him and his dad… it’s fucking weird. And him and Peter? Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

“Now that you mention it… maybe. The disciples are unusually glamorous.”

Meanwhile, in the far from luscious desert landscape, Peter and Jesus sat under a tree, looking fine as hell.

“So, what about that John, eh Jesus?”

“Uh… erm… John? What?” stammered Jesus, who was suddenly overwhelmed by embarrassment.

“Haha! I knew it!” said Peter. “You should go for it. I think he’s feeling the same way. I saw you two splashing around in the Jordan.” Peter flashed an irresistible wink.

“That was a baptism,” hissed Jesus.

Peter rolled his magnificently sparkling chocolate eyes. “Oh, but it was much more than that, wasn’t it?” he said with a smirk that had lusciousness the desert had never known.

“I thought I was the only one who felt it. Besides, I can’t do it,” said Jesus. “You know I love you, Peter. I would never betray you.”

“Well, I would betray you if it came down to it, and honestly, I want this for you. You’ve always accepted that I have a girlfriend, and I would accept it too if you went out with John. I’m going to love you no matter what–even if you get nailed by John, or even by Romans.”

“Oh, Peter!” said Jesus, falling into Peter’s strong arms. At this moment, the least sinful of lusts took over them underneath the fig tree, and during this time, many Samaritans cheered them on. Samaritans. Those sluts.

Later, in the dusty and romantic sunset of the desert, Jesus knocked on John’s door tentatively.

“Oh, hello, Jesus. What are you doing around here? I thought you usually told off the idiots of town with elaborate parables at this time of night,” said John, smoothly and casually. John had already taken off his robe and slipped into something more comfortable for the night, which was both exhilarating and terrifying for Jesus, who was planning on asking John to platonic coffee to test the waters.

“I, um.. I was going to ask you… coffee? Or something…” stammered Jesus. Jesus was always stammering. It was kind of annoying, but his hair made up for it.

“I know what you’re going to say. Come inside, Jesus.”

And from the window of John’s humble shack, Mary wept.


TO BE CONTINUED…


 

Will Mary ever find true love? Will John and Jesus’s night together lead to something more? Will Jesus die and then come back to life three days later as a straight man, breaking the hearts of John and Peter, and fall madly in love with Mary, but too late? Find out in our next book, The Betrayal, for just $7.99, or for much, much, more at your nearest Barnes and Noble bookstore.

The Queer Identity You’ve Never Heard About — TransGod

16 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Humor

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

social justice, transgod

Greg Brown is a 21 year old student living with his two roommates and his cat. He bikes to work, loves pizza and plays first person shooter games. If you met him, you’d probably think he’s just a regular guy, like you and me, but he’s not a guy. He’s a God. Most people, including myself before I met Greg, have never even heard of transGodness. Being one of the least known queer identities, it’s very difficult for transGods to come out, and it’s even more difficult for them to be taken seriously when they do. “There isn’t even an option for it, on anything. People just automatically assume you’re human. Things are really mortalcentric these days.” Greg says that his parents laughed at him when he told them about his identity, and that other people have merely shrugged it off, as if what he was saying was a nuisance. “What people don’t understand is that by not following my every command, they’re disrespecting the fiber of my very being,” says Greg. “I’ve known I was a God since I was a young kid and people just don’t understand that.”

Gods and Allies, a quickly growing social justice group, may be the only supporters of the movement so far. “I think my brother should be respected like everyone else,” says Allie Brown, one of the Allies in Gods and Allies. “Most people say he’s being ridiculous, that he’s schizophrenic, or even blasphemous when he tells people about his identity. But there’s nothing unnatural about being a God”. Allie says that she has also been made fun of and ostracized for taking her brother’s side on the issue. She has even received death threats via twitter.

Death threats unfortunately aren’t a new thing in the transGod movement. TransGod people have been persecuted for thousands of years. Jesus Christ, one of the first people to come out as transGod, was brutally killed for his identity. Even today, many religions hold the belief that claiming to be a God is sacrilegious, worthy of eternal punishment. The DSM-IV-TR classifies transGod people as having grandiose delusions, which is insulting the movement, and no doubt hinders it. Scientists, one of the largest transGod hate groups, even go so far as to say that people can’t be immortal.

Greg Brown hopes that many people will donate to the cause, saying that the money will be used to grant rights to transGod people, but he didn’t say how. If you would like to donate to Gods and Allies, just click here, and help the world become a better place.

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