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Booze and Other Nonsense

~ Musings of a psychopathic alcoholic, raconteurs, film buff, and more!

Booze and Other Nonsense

Author Archives: britton120

Air Bud: World Pup

27 Saturday Jan 2018

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

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Tags

Air Bud, Dogs, Movies

Happy New Year you schmucks! Welcome back to Fernfield: Where Everything is Possible. I realize that I have been saying anything instead of everything, and for that I apologize.

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Freemason sign in the background, Buddy is Illuminati confirmed

The mom is getting married to the vet from the second movie, except the actor has been replaced. I think it is weird that the mom, the two kids, and the close friends of the kids, all stay the same…but the father gets replaced. Maybe it was a haunted set.

While at the altar Josh realized he forgot the ring, so he sends air bud to fetch the ring from the house. The dog needs to recognize the concepts of the ring and the dresser while also realizing the ring is in the ring box. Air Bud works a lift genie, which he hadn’t before, and takes it up to get to the window (which was open even though no one was home except a painter for some reason). On the way back to the church, Air Bud spots a foxy lady golden retrieve, giving me some ideas for that air bud porn I mentioned in the last review.

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Ha, dog eating people food

The priest says “By the power invested in me” rather than vested, which indicates to me that this movie is for the dogs. So far the villain seems to be a dog catcher, which we can all agree is a major step back from a clown and Russians.

The dog catcher spots the lady dog, whose collar was accidentally removed in the woods. He also, through his binoculures saw Air Bud surrounded by kids and ground his teeth while saying “ooooh, two golden retrievers”. However, do dog catchers actually just take people’s dogs? Air Bud is clearly someone’s dog, he is wearing a tuxedo for Dog’s sake! But I don’t know. Today’s fan question for my dog catcher readers out there, do you just steal dogs and sell them for parts?

There is a new soccer coach in town for the middle school, of course she is from England. What is this, The Big Green? And of course there is the mandatory “what i thought you said football” joke because we call it soccer. Anyway, the younger sister, Andrea, is playing soccer on the middle school team. Does this mean she is the main character in this movie? No, it does not.

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She always calls her father “daddy”

Back to the talent, Josh stares at the coach throughout the practice, which she notices and seems to enjoy. An awkward love ballad plays in the background. Josh’s sister is the best wingman and introduced Josh to the coach Emma, who also happens to be going to the High School. The next day Josh and his dweeby friend from the first two movies decide to join the soccer team to woo the British girl. Twice now these kids play a new sport because that kid wants to score. Also the dumbass wears football pads to soccer practice because he is a fool.

One kid on the soccer team trashes Josh for joining because the team is full and they don’t let basketball players play? Did this dumbass forget that Josh was also the QB? Clearly. But Josh is bad at soccer because he has never played. Now to start a weird 5 on 5 soccer montage where Emma outclasses everyone. #GirlPower

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Who doesn’t think this dog can play soccer?

Now is time to test out the goalkeeper. One kid steps in goal and says “I dare any body, even that mutt, to get the ball past me” to which one kid in the movie read my mind by remarking, “What is he talking about? Doesn’t he realize that is Air Bud!?”. Another kid says “A dog can’t play soccer!”, as though basketball and football are easier for a dog? Of course Air Bud makes the shot. The lady dog  watches and cheers. Keep in mind, throughout the process they’ve been 1 man short. However, when asked whether Air Bud can make the team, the coach says YES! By this time every damn sporting federation has changed their rules to include an anti-dog provision. If not after the basketball fiasco, then football certainly did it.

Also the lady dog is Emma’s dog! On second watch this is actually revealed earlier, though I didn’t notice. Moving on…

Game 1. The refs are bafoons like in the last movie, as one takes the quarter from the opening toss while the other is so out of shape he can’t keep up with the play. This match might as well have no refs, they don’t know what they are doing. These are the same refs as Golden Receiver, and one of them is the a ref in the OG Air Bud: Ball is Life.

Anyway, Air Bud gets an assist before the end of the game to make it 3-1. However, their attack was so abysmal that the coach is having them do a practice after the game in order to learn how to pass better.

Emma is having a party. The dweeby kid, who apparently didn’t end up wooing that girl from the second movie, is going to wear something distinctly english in order to attract Emma. The sister and her friend follow Buddy that night all decked out in spy stuff. They even have code names, Kibbles and Bits. HA. But they follow Air Bud to Emma’s house, where Josh is going anyway. So I bet something fun is going to happen.

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Very British

Emma’s father is looking for a new butler. One of the dog catchers has decided to impersonate a butler to get on the inside, which the guy hired right on the spot. Apparently the lady dog hasn’t been feeling well. I WONDER WHY, probably sex reasons.

The next game is about to begin, and the opposing coach is taken aback that the Timberwolves are starting both a girl and a dog. One of the players on the opposing team exclaims that it is not just any dog, it is Air Bud. The legend grows each day, but it doesn’t explain to me how each sport hasn’t changed the rules to keep Air Bud from playing. I know I keep repeating myself on this, but people are aware of Air Bud in this universe. How have these sports not had these conversations? The coach even says, “What’s next, a water buffalo?”. Exactly! There isn’t a rule against it therefore it is permitted. Go get a team of water buffalo to play soccer and you would wreck this high school league.

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Air Bud scores from this position

Josh went out on a date with Emma and blew it. Why? He took the advice of his dweeby foreveralone friend by acting like a tough guy instead of a #NiceGuy. Afterwards we see the newly christened dad for the first time since the wedding, and haven’t seen the mom since the second scene.

The athletic conference has, finally, decided to disqualify the team because of the dog. The coach says that he has been on other Fernfield high teams, which isn’t true at all as far as I know. The basketball team was pre-junior high, and junior high doesn’t count as high school in my book. Unless he has been playing during the time between movies. Also, why isn’t there a rule about being enrolled at the school and being allowed to play? What would stop Michael Jordan from suiting up for Fernfield high and playing? Anyway, they kick the ball into the net and leave without playing.

Like, I understand that we are supposed to feel bad for the team because they can’t cheat anymore….but come on! These shenanigans couldn’t go on forever.

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Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay

The next day the lady dog gives birth. This is when everyone realizes that Buddy and the lady dog have been doing it. which is ridiculous unless they have been totally neglectful of their dogs. ALSO does air bud ever shit? we never see it happen, not even as a joke. Air Bud is 100% efficient. Also, just so you know, the coach who decided the Timberwolves cheated by having a dog on the team had a change of heart after his son took it as an insult. These people are so afraid of actual fair play.

Jumping forward a bit, the dog catcher that is disguised as a butler has still not stolen all these dogs, he is playing the long con. He seems to have been doing a serviceable job because he hasn’t been fired yet. Why not give up your life of crime to work an honest job? Turns out next scene they try and steal the dogs. They lock the lady dog away and steal the puppies by placing them in a hamper. Meanwhile Air Bud is at Josh’s home and somehow senses this from a long distance away, because he is Air Bud and he knows all. Unfortunately Air Bud is too late and they don’t stop the heist.

The mom makes pour-over coffee before heading to the soccer game. Why? Great question. its great, but just a weird thing to just be making in an afternoon. This town is in the general area of Seattle, so I guess this is a stereotype of how much they love coffee or something.

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Its just an oddly specific way of making coffee

Now it is the conference championship and a player from the women’s national team is in attendance, which is cool. Josh, Emma, and Air Bud are looking for the puppies so they aren’t at the game. This looks to be shaping up for a The Big Green scenario. They find the dogs in a warehouse that can only be described as a Saw scenario for dogs.

Back to the game… Fernfield surrenders a goal early. I don’t even know how they have 11 players, unless they added more after the season started. They are probably playing with 8 people right?

Josh and Co. are running from the dog catchers after being spotted and choose to blow the dog whistle to rally all the dogs in a 10 mile radius to their location. Josh used this dog whistle earlier in the movie which summoned a stampede of pooches. Meanwhile Fernfield scores a goal off a penalty, so its all 1-1.

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Air Bud is the Caesar of dogs, and I don’t mean the dog food brand

Now the dog catchers are the catched? as they run around their warehouse away from the dogs. They are cornered and decided to climb a ladder, which a dog knocks over and they fall. However, its not a fatal fall (unlike the prior two movies scenarios where people would have died). They rescue the dogs and everyone is happy, now we can get to soccer. The guy who was the butler turned out to not be evil and instead just wanted a dog, he defects and drives them to the soccer match.

With less than 4 minutes left in the game and down a goal, they show up and are allowed to play. I just want to know where the other 3 players were? or were they able to keep it this close playing 8 on 11? Anyway, Emma scores an equalizer and Air Bud scores the go ahead goal as time expires! Is the waterboy the kid from the beginning who brought water to the girls but they ran away? I think so. how dumb. also see, nobody is on the bench!

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This match was sponsored by First Mutual

Anyway, the Women’s Team player likes Buddy’s game and decides to bring him to the WORLD CUP FINAL against Norway. Well, the actual soccer player goes down, she is the goalkeeper, and they are in penalties. There is one penalty to go, the US is one goal up. Buddy is going in as GK, which he has never played before, and makes the save! Air Bud won the World Cup! Fuck you, roll credits.

Clearly there isn’t any stipulation for a dog playing international soccer. Also Air Bud is a male dog, does that matter? I think it should. is Air Bud a US citizen? this opens up more questions than it answers….

In this episode of the Air Bud saga, it really settles into its own. The sport is one a dog would be able to play well in, the bad guys are dog catchers, and nobody is obscenely weird, and nobody sustains injuries which would kill a normal person. Meanwhile the players on the team actually show improvement throughout the season, its not just Air Bud carrying the team. The movie isn’t perfect by any means, but the bar is incredibly low and it is the best Air Bud movie so far and I rate it a 50/100. 

Death Count: 3

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This isn’t the first time this has happened

Weird things….

Is it the same soundtrack in each movie? Seems like it

Is this just The Big Green meets Homeward Bound 2 Lost in San Francisco? Yes

In one scene Air Bud makes a sundae for his sweety in such an elaborate way that it makes no sense. The ice cream parlor attendant probably needs hearing aids.

At one point the dogs watch, what I think, is dog porn.

Previously: Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Next: Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch

 

Ranking Star Wars Movies and State Seals

31 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by britton120 in Lists

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Rank, Star Wars, State Seals

Hello heathens and thank you for joining me on another journey around the sun. This year I leave you with the definitive ranking of the 50 US State Seals, and Star Wars Movies.

How do I judge a seal? its easier to show you than to tell you. Generally if it is hard to read, interpret, or if it just looks stupid then its probably bad. If it looks generic or is a landscape it is probably average. But sometimes something stands out and makes the seal look majestic. So, here we go….

Terribly Bad
These need a re-design badly, like holy shit these are either ugly or stupid

50. Washington (Face of Washington)
Washington

49. Alabama (A MAP)
Alabama

48. Kentucky (awful design)
Kentucky

47. South Carolina (seal-ception)
SouthCarolina

46. Tennessee (Agriculture….Commerce)
Tennessee

45. Connecticut (Oval and Grapes)
Connecticut

44. Iowa (Don’t Dead Open Inside)
Iowa

43. Nevada (Ew)
Nevada

Below Average
Needs a re-design but it is not embarrassing, generally are boring though

42. Georgia (Wis Dom Moder Ation)
Georgia

41. Massachusettes (Tries too hard)
Mass

40. North Carolina (Boring)
NorthCar

39. Arizona (Moderately Ugly)
Arizona

38. New Mexico (Underwhelming)
NewMexico

37. Idaho (Busy busy busy…)
Idaho

36. New Jersey (Godfather part Seal)
NewJersey

35. Arkansas (Too much going on, poorly laid out)
Arkansas

Average or Silly
Could use an update, but generally okay or memorable

34. Louisiana (Pelicans)
Louisiana

33. Maine (Dudes)
Maine

32. Mississippi (Overcompensating for the civil war)
mississippi

31. Illinois (Doesn’t remind me of Illinois)
Illinois

30. Wisconsin (Goofy)
Wisconsin

29. Missouri (Bears massaging a circle)
Missouri

28. Delaware (Two Boring Dudes)
Delaware

27. Utah (Boring)
Utah

26. Indiana (Should swap this with Illinois)
Indiana

25. Vermont (Best on a Sweater)
Vermont

24. Virginia (This is a seal?)
Virginia

23. Florida (Neat idea, bad execution)
Florida

Good Seals
Not amazing but these get the job done and don’t need a re-design

22. West Virginia (Reminds me of the state)
WestVirginia

21. Minnesota (Bizarre but charming)
Minnesota

20. Michigan (Elk caressing a crest)
Michigan

19. Nebraska (Hard at work)
Nebraska

18. Wyoming (Two cool dudes)
Wyoming

17. Ohio (Warms the heart)
Ohio

16. Colorado (ILLUMINATI)
Colorado

15. South Dakota (Neat)
SouthDakota

14. Pennsylvania (Almost Great)
Penn

Great Seals
These are some great seals but they aren’t in the top 5

13. Oregon (Cool)
Oregon

12. Kansas (Looks like Kansas)
Kansas

11. Maryland (Two Awesome Dudes)
Maryland

10. Montana (Serene)
montana

9. Oklahoma (Lots going on, but they make it work)
Oklahoma

8. Alaska (Makes me want to move to Alaska)
Alaska

7. Texas (Star)
Texas

6. North Dakota (Really Cool)
North Dakota

God Tier
Damn good seals

5. Rhode Island (Simple but effective)
Rhode Island

4. New York (Regal)
NewYork

3. New Hampshire (Intangibles)
NewHamp

2. California (Awesome)
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

1. Hawaii (Perfection)
Hawaii

 

There we have it, now the Star Wars rankings….

9. The Phantom Menace

8. Attack of the Clones

7. Rogue One

6. The Force Awakens

5. Revenge of the Sith

4. Return of the Jedi

3. The Last Jedi

2. The Empire Strikes Back

1. A New Hope

Have a happy 2018

Ultimate Drinkmaster

30 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by britton120 in Lists

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Note: This was written in spring of 2017 for the first season of Ultimate Beastmaster, but it was lost to time… until now. Season 2 is on Netflix and most of the rules still apply. Enjoy.

You may have noticed that new Ninja Warrior knockoff that Netflix made…the Ultimate Beastmaster. In this ultimate test of strength, endurance, and jumping ability, 6 nations compete for the title of Ultimate Beastmaster.

Why is it called the Ultimate Beastmaster? Because the course is called the Beast. That isn’t even the weirdest part of this experience. Some obstacles have body part related names, others have silly names like “dreadmills” instead of treadmills. The water below is blood on levels 1 and 2, but becomes fuel on level 3. The final round is called the Power Source, which is the mitochondria of the Beast.

Now as bad as this show sounds, we at Booze and Other Nonsense recommend you watch this show. However, only watch it with these rules in place. Otherwise the show may kill you. These rules will not make any sense unless you watch the show.

The rules:

  1. Select a nation before the episode begins. Finish your drink if your nation is eliminated from that episode.
  2. Drink every time someone gets a point thruster, also say point thruster before you drink.
  3. Drink every time someone actually completes the level without failing.
  4. On level 1: Drink every time someone fails on or before the Faceplant.
  5. On level 2: Drink every time someone fails to ascend the spinal column.
  6. On level 3: Drink every time someone fails on the ejector.

For extra fun… Drink every time the Brazilian and German commentators interact on camera. Or France and Italy if you are in the second season.

Now go out there and beast all that you can beast.

Air Bud: Golden Receiver

06 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

≈ 2 Comments

Hi folks. See, I’m trying to be regular again. I’m eating yogurt, exercising, drinking water, and writing synopses of the (mostly) crap movies I watch more often than I have over the last 10 months. I am hoping this will be the one stop shop for reviews and synopses of the Air Bud cinematic universe for years to come.

Welcome back to Fernfield, where anything is possible. Well maybe not anything…but there certainly seems to be a higher chance of absurd things happening in this city than in others.

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This kid has skills

Josh is back in action with his dog. However, this movie didn’t go to theaters so there appears to be a decrease in production value. The movie just feels older than the first movie and takes on a darker color pallet. Reminder, this is also a new Air Bud actor so it is possible that the dog had a new creative vision for his role.

Unlike Air Bud: Ball is Life, this film takes a BOLD direction with camera angles. They take every opportunity to perform goofy shots and dutch angles despite this being a feel good movie. This isn’t even mentioning the use of the pan-zoom to weird effect. I don’t know why, but they are trying to make me feel like this is a creepy movie while a poor man’s mission impossible theme plays in the background.

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Seriously goofy camera shit.

Anyway, the family goes to an actual adult basketball game. Air Bud snuck? Sneaked? into the car, and then broke out so he could watch the game. However, of course he ends up on the court chasing the ball around. However, he bests these adults at basketball instead of children. Is Air Bud the greatest athlete in America? We may find out by the end of the 5 Air Bud movies (the other 9 movies are not focused on Air Bud). They do more stupid and dumb angles, the refs are befuddled, its a whole to-do.

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They are having the image do a warm thing while the text overlay is untouched…

The kid’s dweeby bowl cut friend from the first movie states something creepy. The best thing about 8th grade is that the girls have turned into women. JESUS CHRIST DUDE, who was that horny in 8th grade? He also is planning to try out for football to get chicks, so that is how we get into football. Specifically he wants to woo one girl in particular. Will he do it? You’ll have to read to find out.

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The kid on the left is the friend, the one on the right is Larry (this is from Air Bud)

Russian circus time, these are the villains in this movie. Ah, I miss 1998, when Russians were bad guys. Anyway, the existence of their circus necessitates other skilled animals. Also according to news reports these animals were all stolen.

The mom starts dating again (remember, the father died before Air Bud and his soul is now trapped within the dog). This new guy is a real charmer and has the mom legitimately conflicted. They shoot this scene as though she is talking to a long time friend about her relationship issues, but nope its the dog she is explaining this to. Her dead husband dog, think about it.

The mom starts dating the veterinarian from earlier. The two of them are going out on a date and he brings over a football, mentioning that football is the way to a woman’s heart. Yes, we are this far into the movie and we haven’t really done a lot of footballing. Josh isn’t a big fan of the handegg and leaves it in the garage, of course Air Bud (remember he was only tortured to play basketball) golden retrieves the football because of course.

The Russians take an ice cream truck to try and find the dog. I would recommend never trusting anyone with a goofy vehicle with something on the roof, this is clearly an homage to OG Air Bud.

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Josh and his goofy friend are playing catch with the football, air bud is just running around like a dog. Then Josh throws the ball like a champ, and it somehow hits our Russians and knocks them both down a hill into the lake because magic.

Josh sees his mother and the new guy being close, and Josh decides to try out for football so he doesn’t have to see them? Or because he wants attention from his mother. GROW UP JOSH

A mandatory montage is provided which depicts how bad all the kids are at everything they do. But somehow a dog is going to fix this team’s problems?

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They accidentally pile on top of each other…

Josh and his dweeb friend stop by the vet/mom’s boo. He is still eating the damned pudding cup because nobody here is normal. They convince him to take Air Bud to get an X-Ray so they can snoop on the vet. This is an expensive procedure, even for a dog, I think… Do they have dog insurance? Is the vet doing this as a favor?

Josh actually has a cannon for an arm, and by that I mean every shot of him throwing the ball it is clearly shot out of a cannon. Air Bud catches the ball because he has jaws of steel, and he is an ideal receiver due to his mastery of keepaway. Earlier in this movie Air Bud bested grown men, I don’t imagine middle schoolers will be hard.

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Every time Josh throws the ball

Now comes the pressure. The school board is not a fan of the lack of success of their middle school football program, and are letting the coach go if they don’t have a winning season. Meanwhile the locker room itself is small and the kids are weird. The starting QB is doing curls while a lineman is repeatedly slamming his forehead against his locker. Why? Because he wants to get the CTE started early.

Josh is the backup QB, so he is just chilling on the bench, but the star QB goes down with an injury. Cut to the Russians chasing after Air Bud while in the ice cream truck, while kids are chasing after the ice cream truck. It’s a dog eat dog world. The dog somehow finds the football field.

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Seriously this kid is banging his head against the locker

Josh doesn’t know how to quarterback, but at least he can throw the ball. Its essentially the plot to Longshot on Madden 18. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THE GOOFY CAMERA ANGLES ARE BACK!

Anyway, air bud catches a pass and everyone loses their shit as though they didn’t know this dog has bested kids at sports before. He scores a touchdown. There wasn’t any sort of debate over whether that was legal despite him not being a registered player on the team. He just came out of the stands and caught the pass. It’s the definition of cheating. But whatever, I guess. Josh says that dogs can’t play football, because its different than basketball. But fuck the rules. Air bud is the new wide receptor.

The coach is okay with it, because fuck everything. I can guarantee that every sports association in the country changed their rules after the first movie to disallow dogs from playing sports, but maybe they didn’t think a dog could ever play football.

They have a band, seriously what middle school has a marching band, and instead choose to have somehow shout the national anthem at the top of their lungs. This literally makes fun of the national anthem, or at least it being sung at sporting events. Personally I am of the opinion that we play the national anthem far too often, middle school athletics doesn’t need it. However, in this movie they intend to have a lady shout the national anthem poorly, and everyone grimaces. Think of how the veterans felt, watching them disgrace the national anthem like that. Its far worse than anything the current NFL players are doing, yet I didn’t see a temper tantrum thrown 20 years ago about this. Maybe it’s because she is white, I don’t know, it’s just a guess.

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This is her shouting face

Anyway, back to this movie. It is gameday, the other team does not seem to care that a football playing dog is on the field. Instead, it’s a joke to them. Which it should be, but also not something that should be allowed. The dog scores a touchdown on the first play, nothing matters anymore. No one can stop this dog despite having a few feet height advantage on it. The team doesn’t have a defense though and are somehow losing despite being unable to stop Air Bud.

The team fumbles it, but air bud then strips the ball from the other player and runs almost all the way down the field before everyone dog piles on the dog killing it. PSYCH! They don’t jump on the dog and they miss, but the ref waited for dramatic effect to call the touchdown as Air Bud celebrated in the end zone. Also, there are too many people from the green team on the field, but the rules of football are arbitrary and up to interpretation CLEARLY.

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This shows at least 9 visible (more should be in the pile) and there are more just walking around

This movie has a lot more sportsplaying, so it has that going for it. But still, why is no one arguing about a dog playing in these games? Like, no kid is able to stop this dog. If this dog ever gets tackled its dead.

The vet proposes to Josh’s mom, in response Josh Can’t Even and runs away. Meanwhile the Russians kidnap Air Bud. I truly think 30% of these movies are just people trying to kidnap Air Bud. The coach happens to run into the kid, and convinces him to not run away to San Francisco to play basketball. Yes, he is eating during this scene.

So now it’s the state finals in football and they are going up against, what appears to be, the prison guard team from The Longest Yard. Worse yet, they have to face them WITHOUT AIR BUD, there is no hope for victory. Switch to Air Bud, he is in the Russian prison circus. The animals communicate sortof, and break out. Back to the game, and it isn’t going well. Josh forgot how to football, and gives up a scoop-n-score. Really, this wasn’t a designed run.

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At halftime the coach gives a pep talk. The essence of this talk is that belief can overcome anything. If you can believe a dog can play football then you can believe in a comeback. The team goes full Mighty Ducks and starts “ruffing” (rather than quacking). I’m not kidding, there is no PSYCH coming. Even as a Browns fan I find this lame.

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I’m not kidding, they are playing the monstars

Due to the newfound belief the team begins playing better. Also the refs are clueless at their job and begin allowing horse collar tackles because fuck safety. Cut to the Russians, remember them? The animals defeat the Russians by dumping fish guts on them. How? Well there was a tank full of fish guts, and the monkey opens it. Of course!

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Fish guts, of course

The monkey then tries to kill them by running them over with the ice cream truck. Instead it knocks over a light post which sparks and ignites a bunch of fireworks. The dog escapes the building and is pursued by the Russians, who have regained control of the ice cream truck. As with the first movie, the brakes aren’t working at an inopportune time. This is a lesson to everyone, get your brakes checked.

They instead slam into the pier and fly out the windshield (which they opened up) and land on a boat. They should be dead, along with the clown from the first movie. However, they survive and demand to be taken to the Russian embassy. Oh wait, there is still a football game going on.

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They crashed into the pier at a high enough velocity to cause them to fly out of the vehicle and land on the boat.

At the start of the 4th quarter, the team is only down 35-10, which is a lot better than I expected. Then, out of nowhere, Air Bud shows up dressed to play. The new dad dressed the dog. The team goes into overdrive and starts scoring touchdowns at will.

Remember in the first movie when Larry fouled the dog? That was rude but not inhumane. Well, in this movie someone literally tackles Air Bud. Fortunately there is a vet in the house, he confirms that Air Bud is okay. This almost inspired Air Bud 3: Dog’s Not Dead.

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What it looks like for someone to tackle a dog

The refs are playing hard and loose with the rules (again), beyond allowing a dog to play. The team go to their go to play on 4th down to win the game, B-52, the crossing pattern. Air Bud is alright and is cheering them on, which gives them confidence. The play is ridiculous and involves the wide receptor tackling his DB and then getting up to run 60 yards in 6 seconds. Meanwhile Josh is doing his best Troy Smith impression, dodging defenders in the backfield, and chucks it 60 yards even though he is in middle school. They win the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when the goofy kid wanted to score? and that is why he decided to join the football team? Well, after not acknowledging this subplot for the entire movie they bring it back. The girl he is after says he has potential, so that means he is on second base essentially, right? Also, I hope you know that there is a baseball air bud movie review coming.

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An iconic shot

Fortunately this movie doesn’t end with a court room drama scene like the other one. The new dad was going to ride off into the sunset on his boat because Josh didn’t accept him, hes a good guy. But Josh gets his attention and they embrace because he did accept him at last. How sweet.

This is when the movie goes off the rails. The gang is at a Seahawks vs 49ers game and Josh says that Warren Moon should throw the ball to Joey Galloway on 3rd and 3. They throw the ball, but here comes Air Bud off the sideline. He runs onto the field and catches the ball. That is the end, roll credits. Fuck you.

This sequel to Air Bud is a step down in almost every way. The realism is lost because Air Bud is playing the sport throughout most of the season (to no protest by other teams), and is playing a sport that would be harder for a dog to play. The ball had to be severely deflated for Air Bud to grip it with his mouth. The cinematography is bonkers as well, they don’t have a consistent style throughout the film. However, it does touch on some serious issues, such as the perspective of a son dealing with this loss of his father and a new man coming in to his mother’s life. Fortunately this HAS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE IN A MOVIE LIKE HOLY CRAP THIS ISN’T OVERDONE AT ALL. 

34/100 It is not the worst film on earth, it just falls into being a cliche tornado. 

Death Count 3

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The guy giving the kiss has dementia, no joke

Fun things…

I theorize the kid is from Oregon initially because he has a Blazers picture in his locker despite living in Supersonics territory.

Everyone in this town loves vanilla pudding, even the vet is eating it while treating dogs.

The coach is always eating, except in one scene.

I might write an air bud porn screenplay when I’m done with these movies.

Previous review: Air Bud

Next review: Air Bud: World Pup

Air Bud

30 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

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Tags

Air Bud, Basketball, Dogs

We apologize for how slow reviews have been coming out. We had to take a hiatus as several of our staff have been implicated in the Russian Hacking Scandal. Fortunately we are now allowed to continue reviewing.

“So, what should I review?” I asked myself a week ago. I wanted to review Halloween 3: Season of the Witch, but that was in October. Instead I decided to review the entire Air Bud film series! In order, of course. Starting with Air Bud 1: Ball is Life. The story of a boy discovering that his dead father inhabits the body of a tortured dog that can perform tricks. But we will get to that more later…

The movie opens to a clown driving a truck with a dog carrier in the back. Pretty normal stuff if you ask me. He is going to a town called Fernfield, where anything is possible (that is their slogan). The clown sucks at clowning. Once he realizes that he is a failure, he starts doing tricks with the dog. He throws balls at the dog’s face (Air Bud catches the balls) and eventually does a trick where the dog hits an inflatable ball through his arms. Instead, the ball hits him in the face…which causes the clown to go berserk like he is Goofy. The dog runs around, the children are screaming, and the clown slips on a banana and falls into the cake.

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This is definitely how your average kid’s movie starts, definitely nothing terrifying about this…

The clown blames the dog for his failures and threatens to take him to the pound. However, he left the tailgate down on the back of the truck. The carrier eventually falls out of the truck and is narrowly missed by a semi. However, the carrier is hit by a car (with the dog still inside). The mother in the car is unphased and is instead concerned about her crying daughter. The boy sees a dog come out of the crate wearing a clown suit. He doesn’t say anything, I would also assume that I am hallucinating though. The mom doesn’t notice and would have ran over the dog if it hadn’t been on the other side. The dog follows them to their home, more or less.

We learn that Josh’s (the kid) dad has recently died. This is why I hypothesize that Air Bud is his father, maybe it is because I have recently watched Nine Lives. But I digress, the kid finds an abandoned church which is overgrown. The backyard contains a basketball court, because ball is life. Over the next few scenes he restores the basketball court to its former glory. Air Bud is living in the bushes of the court because Air Bud knows all. Air Bud also loves vanilla pudding, and this is how the kid lures the dog to leave the bushes and later they engage in a basketball playing montage.

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The Lord has spoken

Josh wants to play basketball, and shows up at a practice and just sits there. In talking to the team the coach says, “If you can win on the courts you can win at life”. So ball is indeed life, this is the moral of the story and everything else is secondary.

After a few days of hanging out, Josh takes air bud home to wash him, which then leads to this stupid song Splish Splash. A cleaning the dog montage takes place where he dries off the dog with a leaf blower, and even sprayed perfume in the dog’s face to freshen him up. Please don’t do this to your dogs.

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Really, please don’t do this to your dogs.

His mother arrives at the house and Josh tries to hide the dog. Unfortunately, Ball if Life and the dog wrecks the house by chasing after a basketball. Josh is made to put up “lost dog” signs around the town, which ends Air Bud eating his ice cream cone. This dog has eaten vanilla pudding, spaghettiO’s, and ice cream. Please don’t feed these to your dogs. We are only 1/3rd of the way through the movie….I’ll try to pick up the pace.

Jumping forward a little bit, the janitor shows up like a wise black guy in a Stephen King story. He tells Josh about using cold water to wash the basketball uniforms (he is the team manager), and asks Josh why he puts up with this shit. Josh’s response is “Ball is Life”, in essence. Josh discovers that the janitor is probably former NBA legend Arthur Chaney (played by Clevelander Bill Cobbs). Josh has his basketball card because of course he does and that is not weird at all.

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For Christmas the mom got Josh another dog! Oh wait, its just the same dog but with a ribbon.

Josh was mistakenly given a tryout invitation, and the coach seemed pissed about it. However, Josh balls out and makes the team. One kid on the team is a major asshole for no good reason. Seriously, these kids look like they’re in 5th grade. That kid’s dad is also a horrible human being.

Meanwhile… during the game Air Bud breaks out of the house and makes his way to the court. Josh is thrown into the game which means Air Bud must chase the ball around. The dog proves himself to be faster and stronger on the ball than everyone else. NO ONE CAN STOP HIM. One ref eventually puts a towel over his head in shame. Somehow Josh grabs the ball and Air Bud knocks it into the hoop. Everyone stops in sheer amazement and cheers uncontrollably as if they saw this Michigan punter blow the game single handedly. The end result is a mom? the principal? trying to set Josh up with a girl.

DRAMA HAPPENS NEXT. Air bud goes back to the court, because ball is life, and we get to witness the coach going full Rutgers on a player. He gets fired and replaced by the dog. PSYCH, they replace him with the ex-NBA playing janitor. Why wasn’t he always the coach? idk. In the first practice the coach performs a magic trick, the kids don’t seem to care.

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He pulled this ball from behind his back, he definitely didn’t walk up to them with it, I’m serious.

Larry, the asshole kid, gets benched during the game for not being a team player. I only mention this because the family ends up moving to a new city just so their asshole kid can play elementary school basketball. At the end of the game Josh has the opportunity to make a 3 like Kyrie to win the game, however he misses the shot.

The coach, being a wise black man, knows that ball is life. He also knows that Air Bud understands this, because he just likes to ball and doesn’t care about stats. Unfortunately Air Bud would be an awful teammate, his off the ball work is non-existent and he sucks at defense.

A minor subplot in this movie is the mystery of the disappearing newspapers. However the mom finds them all buried in the backyard. While digging up the mountain of newspapers the Clown guy shows up behind her to claim the dog. The mom is totally okay with a creepy guy showing up on her property and claiming the dog is his. Josh begins to cry because he is a child, he also begins leaving vanilla pudding at the church basketball court.

Josh finds out where the clown lives, which is apparently within walking distance of his house? He breaks in and steals the dog. Which results in a ridiculous scene that would take too much time to detail. Overall the clown is defeated by running water, proceeds to chase the kid and dog in his truck, and almost kills a couple people because he is driving through a park. This ends in what should most certainly be his death since the truck is literally falling apart. The steering wheel even comes off and he crashes into the lake, which means he should be impaled as he wasn’t even wearing a seat belt. Nope, he lives. But let’s count this as the first should-be death in the series.

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Once again, this is a kids movie.

Josh knows that Air Bud won’t leave him alone so he tries to convince the dog to be free. He tries yelling at Air Bud to “Go on, get!”, which we all know is the hardest thing to say to a dog. To highlight the emotion in the scene, the dog mentions that he wants to tend the rabbits. PSYCH. instead Josh throws the ball and Air Bud chases it. The kid runs away.

BACK AT SCHOOL its the big game. The coach, who was a professional basketball player at one point, mentions that these have been the best months of his life. I call BS on that. The team is down to only 7 players because of the chicken pox. Larry is now on the other team, which is actually good for everyone because its not like he was going to make the championship game with the first team anyway. These kids clearly suck at defense as one team has 50 points at the half!

As stated, the team is shorthanded and need everyone they can to play. Unfortunately one kid fouls out and two more injure each other. How can they win playing 4 on 5? Well, we’ll never know because Air Bud shows up ready to ball. 99.9999% of the time if a dog shows up to a little league basketball game wearing a jersey and shoes, nobody says the dog should play. However, this is no ordinary day…

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Air Bud wins the jump ball, I’m not joking.

The coach argues that the dog should be allowed to play because he is a registered member of the team. How do we know this? Because he practices and travels with the team. I guess that is all it takes to be a REGISTERED MEMBER. With whom is this dog registered? I don’t know. He isn’t even a student, which I imagine is a necessary part of being a registered member of the team. If not, then why did Larry have to move to Spokane to join the Warriors?

ANYWAY the coach then challenges the ref on the rules. The ref recites his famous “there ain’t no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball.” line. The other coach is pissed off, rightfully so. Arthur Chaney then challenges the other coach by calling him chicken if he doesn’t want to allow a dog to play in this game, AND IT FUCKING WORKS. This is just Back to the Future rules in a movie about magic and dogs.

Stupid stuff happens, like this line, “Does he dribble? No but he might drool a little bit.” Fuck this. Air bud wins a jump ball by scaring the kid with a bark. Fuck this. This is Air Bud at its worst.

The team is rolling and are now down by 4 with 20 seconds left. Larry, the asshole, gives a hard foul to the dog, which forces the dog to shoot a 1 on 1 because this association has college rules. Larry realizes that he hit a fucking dog in a little league basketball game and finally questions his life, unfortunately for him Air Bud then gives him a nut shot and steals the ball.

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I would probably miss the shot if this kid ran at me too.

Josh is open in an identical situation to the last game, where he can make a 3 to win the game. This time he has the confidence and the spirit to make the shot. THEY WIN THE GAME. The clown shows up to take the dog away, yep this movie isn’t over yet. They go to court because OF COURSE THEY DO. This movie will never end, don’t you see? Also this is a more ridiculous court room than God’s Not Dead 2.

“Holy Toledo what is that dog doing in the courthouse?” Says the judge, I agree. “I will not have my courtroom turned into some kind of a circus!”, says the judge. As the dude shows up wearing his clown getup. Such easy jokes.

The clown claims he has papers to prove that the dog is his, because the fucking dog has fucking papers. The Clown also says that the boy is a criminal, despite this not being the place to make those claims. However, the dog barks every time the judge slams the gavel which leads to a series of jokes about the dog barking that is reminiscent of Abbot and Costello except with a dog.

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Remember this? No one does.

The family are trying to prove that the guy abuses the dog, and they don’t have any proof. IF ONLY THEY REMEMBERED WHEN THEY FOUND THE DOG CRATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Josh is so dumb that he can’t remember this? or he thinks its a different dog? I think he believes the dog is magic and didn’t actually come out of the crate.

Arthur Chaney walks in because he is the wise black man with all the answers. His argument? Dog is man’s best friend and therefore the dog should be able to choose what man he is friends with. I would reject this argument outright, but instead the judge who did NOT want his court room to become a circus decides to entertain this. The coach also argues that the dog is 3 or 4 years old, which makes him an adult in our years. I’m not misquoting…I just can’t tell if this was an intentional writing mistake…

So it is the moment of truth as they set up outside of the courthouse with Air Bud in the middle and the two people on either side. Air bud is lured by the clown because he brought a newspaper, which Air Bud then rips off like he is tearing off the chains of slavery and then runs over to Josh. Roll Credits.

This movie is bonkers, but there is also a lot less action than one might expect. They take the relatively basic concept of a dog being able to hit a basketball into a hoop and extrapolate it to playing basketball on a kid’s team. The movie itself, when it comes to children’s dog based movies, isn’t all that bad. I still wouldn’t suggest feeding your dog the Air Bud diet, but at least he is getting a workout. 

40/100 is the rating. The dog only plays in one game. I feel the more the dog actually plays the sport competitively the worse the movie gets. 

Death count: 1

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Everyone’s face when Air Bud balls out

Neat things…

Josh also appeared in Dawn of the Dead.

The actor who played Air Bud died, a new dog plays Air Bud in the other movies.

What? Other movies? YES there are a total of 14 movies in the Air Bud cinematic universe. If you want to read more about them, stay tuned, I am doing them all!

Last review: God’s Not Dead 2

Next review: Air Bud: Golden Receiver

God’s Not Dead 2

20 Thursday Oct 2016

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

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Sorry everyone, it has been about a month since I last wrote a review. Life has gotten in the way. However, just like Hillary Clinton after suffering pneumonia, I am back with a vengeance! Yippee-Ki-Yay mother truckers.

With the current political fervor sweeping the nation, it is only fitting that I watch a movie that has as much of a grasp on reality that Trump does on policy…so welcome to God’s Not Dead 2: School Administration Boogaloo.

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A circus car of a moving truck

Is there a rule that Christian movies must be completely awful? That would be the only way to explain the decisions made when making these movies. Maybe your run of the mill evangelical christian just has bad taste in cinema,  and can’t understand the messages of a movie unless it is hammered over their head by a cross. However, this film is better than the first God’s Not Dead. How? The actors are better, there is less domestic abuse, and it seemed like they at least tried a bit.

Anyway, this film stars Melissa Joan Hart as our protagonist Grace Wesley. She is a devout Christian who happens to be a history teacher at a public school. There is Jesse Metcalfe, the inexperienced and rather informal lawyer that is going to defend her. He also happens to be a non-believer. There is Ray Wise from Twin Peaks who is an ACLU lawyer that is fighting to punish Grace for mentioning Jesus in history class, Pat Boone who plays Grace’s grandfather (I think), who is a preachy asshole, Ernie Hudson playing the judge, and more. There are also some returning characters from the first film, most notably the pastor, who is now on the jury, and the Chinese kid, Martin.

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Martin!

The film is about the persecution that Christians face from our legal system, while also trying to make the case for God’s existence. One of Grace’s students Brooke recently lost her brother, and she was struggling to move on. She learned about Jesus by talking to her teacher, Grace, outside of class, and  found out that her brother believed in God. Her household is strictly non-religious it seems, as it is her parents that seem to be the most offended at the teacher. Specifically the class is discussing Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi in the context of nonviolent protests. Brooke asks about Jesus talking about nonviolence, and Grace responds by quoting the bible.

One of the students messages their parents about the teacher preaching in class, and shit goes downhill for Grace in a hurry. The principal, union rep, and the other teachers seem to be against her. She is advised by her lawyer, Tom, to just apologize and never mention Jesus in class again. That would be easy, but she is willing to be courageous and face public scrutiny for her faith. So we go to trial, and the ACLU is sending their A-Team to take down the Christians.

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A gaggle of Christians

 

On the other side we see the point of view of the pastor from the first movie. He is summoned for jury duty, and makes the erroneous claim that you are more likely to be struck by lightning than make it through the selection process for the jury. His old friend who is a pastor too his back and will be studying for his doctorate. Meanwhile the Martin from the first movie has 140+ questions to ask the pastor. Martin gets disowned by his family for pursuing Christianity. He decides to dedicate his life to the Lord and become a pastor, and return to China to spread the word. God’s Not Dead 3? (PLEASE GOD NO)

So then we have the trial. Its a bit weird, though I am not an expert on the format of a trial. The ACLU guy states that Brooke is a minor and therefore has no rights as far as the court is concerned, which isn’t even remotely true. Over the course of the movie there are several arguments presented to argue for Grace. Now, keep in mind that the intended audience of the movie are people who are already believers. They argue that Jesus was a historical person and therefore referencing Jesus in class is acceptable, that makes sense. They argue that she was just asking a question by a student and that she didn’t ever go out of her way to preach, which is true and makes sense. All I want to know is, is this something that would actually go this far today? Or have they created their own world where they are constantly persecuted? I go with the latter and put this movie into the genre of Persecution Porn.

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He’s Surely Alive

Back to Brooke! She decides to be a witness, despite how upset it made her parents. Tom, the defense attorney, is hesitant because he hasn’t talked to Brooke yet about her side of the story. Brooke, being unprepared, gets talked into admitting that if Grace hadn’t mentioned God that she wouldn’t be a Christian (she became a Christian earlier), and because of that Grace was preaching in the classroom. How very sly Mr. ACLU! Everything looks lost for Grace, she is about to be metaphorically crucified for her religion. To make things worse, the pastor falls ill and is unable to continue being a juror. Believing that he would be on her side (and he was) they feared their replacement wouldn’t be so kind to religion, she had dyed hair.

Meanwhile the local government is forcing every pastor to submit their sermons for the last 6 months. Why? I don’t know. Has this ever happened? I don’t know. It was really dumb, but reinforced the persecution porn theme of the movie.

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Help! I have fallen and I cannot get up!

Anyway, all looks lost and then Brooke organizes a group of people to sing christian songs outside of Grace’s house. Her grandfather sings along and is happy. He doesn’t die in the movie, I thought he would.

Well, here we are, the final day of the trial. No, not the Kafka book… Tom the lawyer comes into the court room late, however he has a new suit and shoes on which makes him look more professional. He takes a different approach, calls Grace to the stand, and tries to sort of bully her. The point he was trying to drive home is that if she is found guilty then the repercussions would be dire as it would clearly be being persecuted for faith. Meanwhile outside the courtroom there is a growing protest, and we are treated with some great signage.

The jury comes back, of course she is not guilty, and everyone celebrates. The ACLU people scowl a bit, the main ACLU guy admires Tom’s new shoes, and they leave. Afterwards we are treated to a performance by the Newsboys, an Australian Christian pop rock band,  featuring their song “Guilty” which has the lyrics “God’s Not Dead, He’s Surely Alive!”. This lyric is also a chant that they do at times in the movie. They were also in the first movie.

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Surely

Well, that’s the movie. It is persecution porn for a Christian audience. The film itself, outside of the plot or the writing, is actually better than the first. The characters are slightly more realistic than the first movie as well. Unfortunately, overall, it is only twice as good as God’s Not Dead, but I will add +1 point for the sign (shown below). I won’t be texting my friends, however.

I award this film 7/100 points, and may God have mercy on its soul. 

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Whoever thought of this sign should get paid more

Fun facts…

At the end of the film they take the time to show you a list of court cases that are somewhat related to religious freedom, most (if not all) defended by the Alliance Defending Freedom. Believe it or not, the Freedom the Alliance is Defending protects bigotry.

The film promotes something called The Human Right, which is the right to know Jesus. As with the last film, it encourages everyone who watches to do social media things. This time tweeting “Silence is the enemy of truth! I will make Jesus known. #thehumanright” Really, just go to twitter and search it. People watch this movie every day.

Last movie review: The Master

Next: Halloween III: Season of the Witch

The Master

20 Tuesday Sep 2016

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

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Freddie Quell, Joaquin Phoenix, Lancaster Dodd, Paul Thomas Anderson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master

I started doing movie reviews so I could get free access to movies…but also to become an approved critic on Rotten Tomatoes. I have a long way to go.

Online publications must achieve and maintain a minimum 500,000 unique monthly visitors according to comScore, Inc or Nielsen Net Ratings and reviews must have an average length of at least 300 words. Publications must also show a consistent standard of professionalism, writing quality, and editorial integrity across all reviews and articles. Lastly, site design and layout should also reflect a reasonable level of quality and must have a domain name specific to the property.

I also need to have at least 100 reviews under my belt. I am well on my way to 100 reviews, my average length of reviews is above average, and I would say I have the highest quality reviews on this site. However, getting to 500,000 unique monthly visitors will be a task. So, I challenge all of you to do this. Send a message/text/tweet to everyone in your contacts list with “God’s Not Dead” and a link to BoozeAndOtherNonsense.com

Together we can make my dreams come true. Now, to the review.

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Our bodies are ready

I was afraid to review a movie by Paul Thomas Anderson. In my opinion he is the best film maker currently working. He always maximizes the potential of the talent he is working with. He also alternates between original stories and film adaptations of novels. After hearing the news that PTA is working on a new movie with Daniel Day Lewis, I knew I had to review a film of his. I could have done There Will Be Blood…but instead I want to review a movie I haven’t seen in a while. So that leads me to 2012’s The Master.

The Master stars the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Lancaster Dodd, the L. Ron Hubbard of his culty religion “The Cause”. Joaquin Phoenix makes his return to film after taking a hiatus of sorts. His last movie was 2008’s Two Lovers, though he did make the weird documentary about himself in 2010 titled I’m Still Here. Anyway, he is Freddie Quell, a WW2 veteran with PTSD, alcoholism, and a bit of a temper. Amy Adams is Peggy Dodd, The Master’s life partner. It also features some other notable people, like Laura Dern (Rambling Rose, Wild, Jurassic Park), Rami Malek (Mr. Robot, Until Dawn, Night at the Museum), and Jesse Plemmons (Breaking Bad, Fargo, Black Mass)

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Still not crazy

As an auteur, Paul Thomas Anderson is the director, producer, and writer of this film. However several of the other producers have worked with PTA on prior films. One of the editors of the film, Leslie Jones, also worked with PTA on Punch-Drunk-Love and Inherent Vice. However, much of the staff was working with PTA for the first time, unlike for There Will Be Blood where the editors, cinematographer, and producers all had worked with him on prior projects. However, Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead fame returns to score another PTA film. I will say that Greenwood’s score is probably the best thing about this movie, and that is not meant to diminish the rest of the film.

This film has several themes within it, but largely revolves around the duality of man as both being civilized and being an animal. With Dodd representing the former, Freddie the latter. This theme is emphasized in almost every scene in the movie. We see Freddie’s life as being tumultuous and lonely, while Dodd’s is far more secure and based around family. We have many scenes where we see the calmness of Dodd contrasted with the wildness of Freddie.

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Similar…but different

However, we are reminded that these two are closer than they seem. Both are rather nomadic in their lifestyle, and also for similar reasons. Freddie lives his life going from place to place, usually running because he did something bad (someone died from drinking too much of his booze). Dodd goes from place to place, traveling the country and the world, fleeing those who are persecuting him. While Freddie is always running away from his past, he encounters Dodd who has a philosophy of embracing our past and understanding it. These are the major conflicts and driving forces for these characters.

The Master is a film that is made up of many great scenes and great shots, with outstanding performances by its cast. There are many scenes in the film where you just see Freddie and Dodd in a room, and it is pure magic. The above shot where Freddie breaks a toilet with his foot inside of the jail cell is a great example. He was instructed to be his character, an animal, and the result was him thrashing about and burning out. Dodd stands still, composed, trying his best to bring Freddie back to being human.

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A scene where Amy Adams gives Hoffman a hand job

There is another scene, earlier in the film, where Dodd is auditing Freddie. The instruction is to not blink while answering the questions, or else they start over. Well, PTA places two cameras and films this in one shot because he is a master of his craft (pun intended). The result is perfection, with the unexpected benefit of a vein that begins forming on Phoenix’s forehead as he struggles to keep his eyes open. An image of this is below, but I recommend also just finding this scene on youtube and watching it.

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Seriously, just watch this scene

Now, this is also one of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s last films, which makes me tear up as I write this. He is an actor who was in his peak, and worked on many films with PTA. I can’t help but think of the work he could have done in the future. Hoffman’s last decade of his life saw him win the Academy Award for best actor in Capote, and nominated three times for best supporting actor in Charlie Wilson’s War, Doubt, and The Master. He was able to be funny (Along Came Polly, Twister, Lebowski), he could be a leading man (Capote, Synechdoche, New York, A Most Wanted Man), and he could be a side character (Moneyball, Ides of March, Hunger Games). The man was a pure talent who elevated every movie he was a part of. Don’t do heroin folks, it’s not worth it.

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RIP, Sweet Prince

Now while this movie has a lot going for it, its not perfect. The movie has amazing shots and scenes, and the themes are well represented in both the acting and the staging of the film…but at times the film can seem disjointed. While it mostly follows a linear plot line, there are flashbacks which sortof derail the momentum which impacts the pacing of the film. Meanwhile there are some things which make me wonder whether, in the film, the religion is true, and whether magic is real. For example, Freddie dreams that Dodd calls him which brings Freddie to England where they can discuss what they said in the dream. Is that a coincidence? Can Dodd do this in the reality of the movie? This lends itself more to the comparisons of The Cause (the religion in the film) and the origins of Scientology.

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The look Tom Cruise made when watching this movie

If you liked other PTA films, you understand some of the downfalls. Is The Master a movie that runs too long, slows down as you go, and has a weird ending that involves a confrontation of characters and singing? I might agree with that to an extent, but it doesn’t spoil the movie to me due to the strength of the film as a whole.

To re-emphasize something I mentioned earlier, the music is fantastic and compliments the movie perfectly. The opening of the movie is an excellent example, where the music plays off of the natural sounds being produced in the scene. Not only does the original music work beautifully with the film, but the songs included in the film do as well. From “Get Thee Behind Me Satan” by Ella Fitzgerald, to “Changing Partners” by Helen Forrest, its breathtaking. This is definitely a movie that you could watch and just focus on the music.

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This also happens

 

Overall, this film is another masterpiece by Paul Thomas Anderson, right up there with Magnolia and There Will Be Blood. The performances are spectacular, the staging and cinematography is stellar, and the music is beautiful. However, the film can be a bit slow at times and possibly asserts magic exists. Still, I will watch this movie whenever I get the chance and always notice something new while I do it. 

92/100. I would recommend this movie to anyone that appreciates good cinema. 

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This is good cinema

Weird notes…

In the film they establish that most of it takes place in 1958 and onward. However they say that the second conference of The Cause will take place in 1950, I think they meant 1960…

Hoffman was sober from alcohol for 23 years before this movie took place, he relapsed at the after party. This probably contributed to his eventual relapse and overdose on heroin….

Phoenix improvised several of his lines and his actions, from his first line in the film to the window scene.

Previously: Left Behind (a 9/11 special)

Next: God’s Not Dead 2

Left Behind

11 Sunday Sep 2016

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

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Now usually I don’t do this but uh…
I’m going to issue a bit of a content warning. There will be humor that will probably cross a line. If you don’t want to see any 9/11 jokes today, then move along. If you are down to laugh at the expense of the almost 3000 Americans that died on that cold September morning in 2001, then you are a horrible person…but please continue reading.

Welcome back to movie reviews, this time with more Nic Cage

With this being the 15th anniversary of 9/11, or as some call it…11/9, I wanted to watch the 9/11 of movies. Rather than watch a movie about 9/11, such as United 93, Reign Over Me (starring Adam Sandler), World Trade Center (starring Nic Cage), or Loose Change, I decided to watch a movie in the same vein as the September 11 attacks. Left Behind is a story about a plane that makes an unexpected crash landing in New York on a catastrophic day where people question God’s role in the world. Sortof like that movie Sully.

leftbehind

Isn’t this sorta nine-eleveny?

Now, I know that the books for Left Behind were written in the 90s, and that there was already a series of Left Behind movies starting in 2000 starring Kirk Cameron. I also know that the 2014 Left Behind movie is directed by Harrison Ford’s stunt double. Knowledge is power, and knowing is half the battle.

Onward to the movie….

The characters don’t really matter in this movie. It is just a disaster movie with a bit of drama added in. I can hardly remember the people’s names, and I am watching the filmas I write. Captain Rayford Steele (Nic Cage) is a pilot who wants to cheat on his wife with flight attendants. Chloe Steele (Cassi Thomson) is his daughter who is also a college student. Cameron (Chad Michael Murray) is a journalist who happens to be around disaster. All three of these characters are atheists and think the Christians that believe the rapture is coming are loons. Such as Irene, Chloe’s mother, who recently became bible crazy.

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Nic Cage is never home, so they had to photoshop him into a family photo

Chloe is home to surprise her father on his birthday, but instead her father won’t be in town. She happens to meet up with him at the airport before he left. She infers from context clues that he chose to leave and is probably going to bang the flight attendant. However, she meets Cameron the journalist and tells off a crazy Christian lady who is talking about the end times.

Chloe goes home and has an awkward conversation with her mother about Jesus, God, and how her mother is crazy. The son, however, just wants to play catch with his new baseball glove. He mentions that glove maybe 6 times over the course of a minute. He never does get to play catch…that is his punishment for poor acting.

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Don’t look at the camera…Don’t look at the camera…

She takes her younger brother to the mall. Meanwhile Nic Cage is about to take off for his trip to London. Cameron has a first class ticket, and we get to meet a lot of interesting characters. There is a little person who gambles, a businessman who is greedy, a mother who is terrified of her football playing husband who is with her daughter, an old couple (one of which suffers from dementia), two Muslim men, and the black gentleman who sits next to Cameron. You can probably guess who does and doesn’t get raptured…

Anyway, back to the mall. Chloe is spending some quality time with her brother, and embraces him because they are so happy…I guess. Then, all of a sudden, the ground shakes a bit and the light dims for just a split second. The rapture happened. Now this is where I get confused. God took their souls, right? Does God take your earthly body to heaven? Because in this movie they took the body, but left the clothes. So….everyone is naked in heaven? Let’s roll with that for a bit.

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God took all the children

Just like at Sandy Hook Elementary, in this movie God decided to take all the children to heaven. Which is troubling for three reasons. 1. Children can, and usually are, assholes. 2. Not all children are baptized. 3. God took all of the good Christians AND all of the world’s children AND they are all naked in heaven. Simmer on that for a bit.

The next hour or so of the movie is boring as hell on Earth. I guess that analogy doesn’t quite work…but it is boring. As boring as life was in NYC on 9/10/2001. Everyone on the plane is freaking out because their friends or kids are all of a sudden gone. Nic Cage, who was about to join the Mile High Club, has to run back to the cockpit because his co-pilot was a goody Christian who got himself raptured. What happens next is an incredibly, no, impossibly unlikely near collision between two planes. Nic Cage could have done almost anything else and avoided this.

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Only one of these has a pilot

The planes clipped each other, causing the other one to crash into the Atlantic. Nic Cage’s plane has a hole ripped in its fuel tank, which now means they won’t have enough to make it back to the airport. Meanwhile Chloe is experiencing a lot of trauma. She is nearly robbed at gunpoint, avoids a small plane crashing into her car which causes a huge explosion, witnesses a lot of looting and shattering of windows. Oh yeah, there is a lot of shattering of windows in this movie…

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Probably the 4th time a window is shattered

Chloe goes to the church and talks to the pastor who, surprisingly, didn’t believe in what he was selling. After a lot of thinking, and believing that everyone she loves is dead, she decides to climb up to a really high place with the intent of killing herself. Fortunately, at this exact same time, Cameron tries to call her with a satellite phone. Cameron and her dad (did I mention they were on the same flight?) tell her to go and find a place to land a plane since the airport is out of reach and not cleared off. Of course she does happen to find a mile of roadway which was under construction, and faced in the correct direction, and wasn’t just full of construction equipment.

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I do not know if this is an accurate cockpit for this plane

Nic Cage has to glide the plane in, and find this one road in New York at night. Fortunately there are a lot of tanks of flammable materials around so she can blow it up and point them in the right direction. You can even see the explosion on the above photo.

He lands the plane safely, which we expected since we all have seen CONAIR. Chloe runs to them as another tank explodes for no good reason except to give us this shot…

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Jet fuel can’t melt Nic Cage

Then the movie ends with the possibility of more sequels. Fuck this awful movie

This movie is bad. Everything about it is bad. The acting, the writing, the story, the unnecessary elements of action. It borders the “so bad it’s good” line as most of the movie is just pointless or without any sort of direction. However, the first 30 minutes of the movie are entertaining and you get to see Nic Cage. I might make some people watch this movie in the coming week. 

9.11 out of 100 is what I give this movie. Are you surprised?

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Only black guy gets raptured

Weird notes…

The one black guy in the movie gets raptured. This troubles me. I’m glad that he lived his life well enough to be raptured, but also I don’t much care for killing off the only black guy.

There probably won’t be sequels because no one is giving them money.

I don’t imagine Gene Wilder was a fan of this movie.

This review is worse than I intended, but still better than this movie.

Happy 9/11 everyone, Never Forget

Last Week: American Beauty

Next Week: The Master

American Beauty

01 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1999, American Beauty, Kevin Spacey

In my last review, the one about Sleepaway Camp, I stated that Paul was a good guy. After receiving a digital metric tonne of hate mail about this, I have come to the realization that Paul is actually  an awful human being that perpetuates rape culture. He probably deserved his beheading, and is largely the reason Angela reacts how she does at the end. Please forgive me….

Now, onwards and upwards to the review.

American Beauty is a film that I have not seen in a long while. Thanks to the power of Netflix we are able to enjoy this classic American Lolita film (no, not the one with Peter Sellers). My first question going into the film was whether or not it would hold up over time. The movie came out in 1999, competing with such juggernauts as Being John Malkovich, Fight Club, The Matrix, Star Wars Episode I, Toy Story 2, Eyes Wide Shut, The Green Mile, American Pie, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Magnolia, Office Space, AND MORE. Jesus Christ, I didn’t realize that 1999 was the best year for movies. I may just review these movies during my good weeks, and create a 16 years later best of 1999 list… (Any good reviewer does end of the year best and worst of lists)

American Beauty, being just one of the great films to come out that year, has definitely aged far more than others. Despite not being very heavy on things like CGI, something about the world of the film just feels ancient compared to the modern society we live in. Maybe its the music, maybe its the cars and technology in the film, maybe its the way society seems to be set up. But it just “feels” 90s, which isn’t bad. It did win the Oscar for best picture. Though I am coming away from 1999 feeling as though some other films were a bit underrated…

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Kevin Spacey jacking off in a shower is the epitome of the 90s

The profound statements that left a younger me pausing the film the reflect on what I am watching, now just leave me looking at the film as though it is trying too hard. That is not to say that the film does not touch on some serious issues. I am also not saying that the problems and dilemmas aren’t present still today. It is just that a movie that at the time felt like so much more has become a largely shallow experience that leaves me wanting. I will elaborate on this more later, however.

This was Sam Mendes’ first feature film as director. He went on to make Road to Perdition, Jarhead, Revolutionary Road, Skyfall, and Spectre. I have not seen all of these films, but I would say that I have had similar feelings about them. I would also say that this is the best film I have seen from Mendes, though I will probably see Road to Perdition in the future. He won the Oscar for best director for American Beauty, which is unfortunate since I felt the film could use some….um…direction.

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The blue and orange means something other than contrast…right?

The cast of American Beauty is arguably a strength. Lester is played by Kevin Spacey at his peak, following The Usual Suspects and LA Confidential. They needed two girls who looked young to play the parts of the daughter, Jane, and the Lolita, Angela, and I feel they succeeded. The mother, Carolyn, is very well performed in my opinion. The only other role I have seen Annette Benning in is in The Kids Are All Right, which I do recommend (it also stars Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo). The awkward boy next door (no, not that Boy Next Door) Ricky is well performed by the guy who dies on the water planet in Interstellar. However, by the end of the movie I just don’t see the same level of performance as the beginning. Especially in the last act where Ricky convinces Jane to leave with him, and tells Angela that she is a vapid ordinary person. It just seems so…unconvincing.

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Oh look, he is staring at Angela creepily, so subtle

It sounds like I am being harsh to American Beauty, and to an extent I am. Call me a fanboy, but I just don’t see how this movie beat out others in 1999 in certain categories. There are good things about the movie, such as the music. While I complain about the piano that is played throughout the film which now just gets on my nerves to hear, I do like the other songs chosen to represent the feeling our characters have. Bali Hai is an excellent piece to use, since it describes a destination in which we can see but never reach. There are other uses of music to describe a character’s mood, but this is the best example.

Now I will discuss probably the best part about this movie, which are those sensual imagination sequences. As with The Big Lebowski which had tremendous trippy scenes to break up the ordinariness of the story, American Beauty follows suit with several scenes that make you uncomfortable to watch. Visually they are still stunning, as the rose petals fly, fall, and float with a stark contrast to the pale white skin of our Lolita. The bath scene specifically stands out as the music and dialogue play off each other, creating a sequence which titillates the senses.

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This also may titillate the senses

Unfortunately, I feel as though this scene is the climax of the film, and is about halfway into it. This leaves us with a long and directionless falling action that supposedly builds to the real climax, the shooting, but I’m not buying it. My attention and focus on the film peaked in that bath tub. The fact that the last 30 minutes feels like an eternity is a big problem I have with the film.

To elaborate more on the direction of the film. Directing a film is hard, especially one that is so artful and symbolic as this one. You can run into several problems, such as the symbolism being either too vague or too blunt. There might be too much art and not enough substance. There might be too many themes competing with one another, and at the end you feel as though you missed something. This movie succumbs to some of these problems. Which definitely doesn’t make it a bad movie, but it leaves me wondering if people think American Beauty is deep just because they want it to be…or because it really is.

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I can’t tell which one is a rose and which one is Carolyn

There are many themes in the movie. The rose petals symbolize something for Lester, either beauty or the fleeting nature of life, or something. Meanwhile Roses symbolize something else for the wife, Carolyn. They mean normalcy or fulfillment or the life she wants to project to the world, or the outward projection of beauty but inward it is decaying. Now, it is definitely fine that things have different meanings for different characters, but at times the movie makes me question if it is about Lester or about the family. To be honest, I think the movie would be most interesting from the perspective of Ricky. The confusion about who is the focus of the movie is irritating at times, to me, and is why I feel the climax was the bathtub scene. It is not as though Lester is absent for much of the second half of the film, but his role is diminished in favor of developing the romance between Ricky and Jane, as well as between Carolyn and The King.

I can’t nail down one thing that this movie is about, or I suppose its thesis if I am to get academic. I can look at Magnolia, Being John Malkovich, and Office Space as incorporating similar thematic elements as American Beauty…but being far more focused on those themes. Magnolia is a story that ultimately is about abuse, Office Space is about the mundanity of modern society, Malkovich is about the nature of self and personal identity. These are all issues that were at the forefront of the American collective psyche in the late 90s, clearly. American Beauty tries to be all of these and more, and that is where it fails. There are only two scenes in which Lester is in his office, and I feel as though it is trying to take a harsh “stick it to the man” concept, Office Space does this better, as just one example.

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Look at this plastic bag, every time I do it makes me laugh

I haven’t even discussed that infamous bag scene which makes me want to puke. The whimsy of a bag floating in the wind sounds deep, maybe it was in 1999, but lets come back to reality. Beauty is subjective, and if that is the point of the movie then it is accomplished in this one home video and we can just go home. Ricky definitely has unique tastes, but that doesn’t make his vaguely philosophical statements any more valid. Other characters feel the need to share their unique philosophical views  at times as well. If we are supposed to think that Angela is “deep” because she says “whatever is meant to be, will happen eventually” when talking about her future as a model, it failed with me. If we were supposed to further understand that she is a person without valuable insight, then it left me confused. I felt as though the scene was meant to try and establish her relative maturity to the other girls her age.

This movie discusses the sensitive subject matter of gay acceptance in upper-middle class american culture in 1999. Perhaps this is what dates this movie so much, as a lot has changed socially between then and now. On the other hand, one could argue that the Orlando massacre is reminiscent of the ideas presented in this movie, and what drove Ricky’s dad to kill Lester after struggling with his own homosexuality while also hating homosexuality. This is a problem which persists in any culture which is homophobic or bigoted towards gay people. The father abuses his son just because he thinks he might be gay, though there is lots of evidence out of context which would point to that conclusion. (see picture below) But he is also hostile, in private, to the gay couple which lives in the neighborhood. You first see him wrestling with this early on, when his son tries to win his father’s approval by expressing bigoted attitudes towards gay people. Later he tries to open up to Lester, unfortunately for him Lester is not gay. Ricky’s dad responds in shame and embarrassment by shooting him in the head at the end of the movie.

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Ha! See! It looks like the son is blowing him

Well, I didn’t expect this going in. I feel as though several films and directors were robbed for not being winning or being nominated for several Academy Awards that year. This movie did not age well, aesthetically or conceptually. Once I get past the artistic elements of the film, and start listening to the messages, I find that it is rather shallow. With better direction this film could have been more focused on one or two themes, rather than trying to be a catch-all for middle America in 1999. The saving grace is Kevin Spacey who makes this role his own, and flies above the rest.

73/100. Maybe in 1999 this movie was what the country needed. But in 2016 I can’t help but think it just doesn’t do anything particularly well, outside of having a good focus on cinematography and artistic elements in the lucid sequences. It is definitely not a bad film, but just overrated. Would I like to watch this movie again? No.

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Apparently Spacey was told to throw it on the ground, he missed

 

Weird notes….

This was Kevin Spacey’s last major role until House of Cards in 2013. I’m not counting Recount in 2008, but he was good in that too.

Blue Knights Drum and Bugle Corps 2014 show was inspired by the ending soliloquy by Kevin Spacey, and their 2015 show was inspired by the end credits song Because.

This movie was indeed inspired by a floating bag in the wind. I can’t say i’m surprised….

Jane was 17 during the shooting of the film, she also was Dani in Hocus Pocus…so yeah…

This makes two reviews in a row where two main characters are Ricky and Angela.

Fuck this movie for making me write a review that surpasses 2000 words. I really want to get these things down to about 1000.

Last Week: Sleepaway Camp

Next Week, a 9/11 special: Left Behind (the one with Nic Cage)

Sleepaway Camp

26 Friday Aug 2016

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

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Welcome to review #3, we have a small announcement to make before getting on with it.

We at Booze and Other Nonsense are looking for a porn reviewer. You need to be comfortable reviewing all varieties of porn, so if you are homophobic do not apply. Other than that we are a “Take On All Comers” organization. Occasionally you may be asked to review an Arsenal match, specifically if Olivier Giroud removes his shirt. Send your resume, cover letter, and 2 references to IWantToReviewPorn@boozeandothernonsense.com

Thank you, and now to this review….

*** If you haven’t seen this movie before, I recommend you do it now unless you want it to be spoiled almost immediately. *** 

Here is the video…

I struggled for a while with how to review this movie. It is one of those “So bad it’s good” movies, and I can probably watch it every day and not get bored. At the end of the day, it is indeed a film and it doesn’t get as much attention as I think it should. The director does a bit of a magic trick by showing you what happens, while at the same time hoping you will be too distracted by what else is going on to really pay enough attention. On first watch you definitely don’t notice, but ever since then I have taken note that it was the girl who died in the water…as they show the boy alive after the accident.

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The Boy Who Lived

However the next scene they introduce Angela instead of the boy, as well as the mother who is insane. She happens to be a doctor, she also happens to force the boy to be raised as his sister Angela. This is 500 feet deep of fucked up, but it is all revealed at the end of the movie. Instead we are treated by a mother who can’t speak her lines because she must sing them. Ricky, her son, is tired of her shit. When he asks if she packed any chips, she informs him that she packed a whole bag. Which is, of course, preferable to loose chips in a bag full of other items of food.

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A whole baaaaaaag

We then spend far too long watching the mother explain that she has forgotten something, then realizing that she tied a string around her finger to remember, but then forgetting what it was she tied a string for…then remembering what she needed. She needed their physicals for camp, and they cannot tell anyone where they came from (although they do know that she is a doctor). Clearly this scene is supposed to be reminiscent of those times when you try to remember something but then forget it, despite it being important. Unfortunately it adds nothing to the movie, except to reinforce that everyone is insane and to give some cryptic hint that something is weird with one of them. Last thing about the mother (at least for now), she is the only mother depicted in this movie. The movie starts with the “In Fond Memory of Mom, A Doer” tribute. How fucked up must this guy’s mom have been to tribute this movie to her?

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Literally how the movie starts

Before going any further I must state that this movie had an original full orchestral score. 1983 was a great time to be alive, as this shitty movie was able to afford this somehow. Edward Bilous is credited on wikipedia for the music, which is probably true. The music stands out at times, especially near the beginning when we are introduced to our next group of characters…

As the buses drop the kids off at the camp, the children have to run down a big hill towards the cabins. This is where we meet Paul, Ricky’s friend, who is a nice guy overall. We are introduced to Judy, one of the villains in the movie. She went steady with Ricky the year before, but now has big tits and doesn’t need Ricky. We also meet the cooking staff which features a pedophile that describes the children as “baldies”, which is a term I have started using to describe the freshmen on campus here. The assistant head chef is James Earl Jones’s father, which you can tell based purely on his voice. Now, I don’t know if JEJ’s father was already an accomplished actor…but the fact that his father had to do this movie despite Star Wars Episode 6 coming out that year as well probably means James Earl Jones wasn’t one for sharing money with his family.

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Something something “I am your father”

After meeting the rest of the supporting cast, we see the cafeteria. Everyone is eating, having a good time, except for Angela who doesn’t care to do so. Ronnie, one of the people who helps run the camp, decides to bring Angela into the kitchen to see if the head chef could make something special for her. He decides to give her a cockmeat sandwich, but Ricky fortunately rescues her. Later that day, when making a freakishly large pot of corn, someone gets the chef to drop the pot on himself. It sounds convoluted, and it is. As far as I know, he doesn’t die, but he is in excruciating pain. When asked how his eyes were, the EMT says that it is too early to tell…which is the most important part of a pedophile.

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This actually happens in this movie

Immediately afterwards we are treated by a typical camp prank and a game of baseball between the two boys cabins. The baseball scene is probably my favorite, as it exposes two things about this movie. 1. The director believes that all kids are complete assholes. They have great insults, trash talk during underhand pitch baseball, and throw the F Bomb around far more than I think anyone does. When asked what they are going to wager on the game, one kid (Billy) tells Ricky to “Fuck a man, asshole” while Ricky responds with “That sounds a bit steep, make it five”. I assume he means five dollars, but on further review it could mean five men. Lastly, when trash talking Billy tells Ricky to, “Eat shit and Die…” to which Ricky responds, “Eat shit and live, Bill”. I am definitely in favor of using this response more often in our current lexicon.

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Supposedly a teenager

2. People in the 80s wore incredibly tight and short clothing. There is nothing wrong with being gay, in fact I encourage it, but I would not be surprised if these kids were getting it on together. There is a lot of evidence of this, I think. Not only do they embrace their bodies a lot, they also skinny dip together (specifically without any girls), they get into a water balloon fight on the roof of a cabin, some wear see-through shirts, and they jump on each other. The early 80s might be more tolerant of homosexuality than the modern day, but I am probably wrong about that.

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After failing to get a girl to join them, the boys decide to do this anyway

Angela and Paul get into a budding relationship which makes Judy jealous. I am not quite sure I understand Judy’s hatefulness towards Angela. I think she just really wants the D but she sees Angela getting attention (only from Paul) without actually putting out. Meanwhile we get out second (or really first) death of the camp, when one kid who bullied Angela earlier, drowns in the lake. To describe the events that led to his death would take a lot of time for no payoff, I just recommend watching the movie. Mel, who runs the camp and also smokes cigars like they are going out of style (like his clothing), is rightfully concerned about the future of the camp after a death like this.

We steadily move along through the story. You get to see Judy’s nipples through her shirt, which makes a viewer uncomfortable since I know that the actors for the campers are all under 18. Paul kisses Angela for the first time, which can only be described as stealing a kiss (in fact, two) because she doesn’t even flinch when it happens. The boys do another prank on the nerdy kid with the old “shaving cream and a feather” trick. This character, Mozart, fell asleep reading a nudey mag. I know this because his fly is buttoned  but he has the magazine on his chest. He reacts by pulling out a knife and threatening to kill Ricky with it, and dancing around the room trying to stab him. The knife is taken by a counselor, and the mood flips because Paul got back from kissing Angela and the boys all jump on him. I am really just describing these scenes, watch the movie because it is as ridiculous as I am making it out to be.

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You know, water balloon fights on the roof

While the boys are definitely mean, the girls do not hold back. Most of the time we see Meg (M-E-G) she is yelling at Angela for not participating in the activities. Judy says some incredibly mean things at her, in fact one of those things is my favorite insult from this movie. “You’re a real carpenter’s dream. Flat as a board and easy to screw.” She said this believing that Angela refused to shower with everyone else because she hasn’t reached puberty yet. This is now my go to insult when I yell at those darn freshmen on campus.

This movie isn’t even 90 minutes long and I am only half way through the movie as I am reviewing it. Just know that I tried to keep this review as short as possible and omitted many things to keep this review from getting out of hand.

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The pot of water I mentioned earlier, hes standing on a chair…

Billy dies next, unfortunate, but he had to go because he threw that darned water balloon at Angela. He had to go take a wicked dump before playing a baseball game, but instead a bee hive is dropped on him in the bathroom.The killer cuts open a hole in the screen with the knife that Mozart had earlier, and Billy gets his face eaten by bees because he cant escape the bathroom. A wicked dump indeed.

Mel suspects that Ricky is the killer, as he has seen the hate in his eyes towards the other campers. Also this is the only scene I can remember that Mel isn’t smoking or about to smoke a cigar. Angela and Paul go to the beach to fool around, which goes well until Paul tries to unbutton Angela’s shirt. She goes catatonic once again, and remembers that time seeing her dad and her dad’s gay lover together in bed. Oh, did I forget to mention this earlier?

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John…

In the beginning of the movie Angela (then called Peter) and the real Angela are playing on the lake with their father. They tip over the sailboat by being clever schemers, and a man from the beach tells him that the Doc will be there soon. The man on the beach is the dad’s lover, meanwhile he responds to seeing his lover die in a very strange way. The photo above is his response. Which brings me to another point, people in this movie respond to death in weird ways. Okay, back to the movie…

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Short game is on point

So after this weird memory sequence which takes place in a black box, Angela runs away leaving Paul with blue balls. Angela stumbles on Paul and Judy making out in the woods while playing capture the flag…which causes Angela to revert back to her old self whenever Paul tries to talk to her. The girls (Judy and M-E-G Meg) physically carry Angela and throw her into the water, while Mel restrains Ricky from helping her. Ronnie can be seen lifting weights in the background, which really caps off this wonderfully scripted scene.

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“Yes I would like to have sex with a teenager”

We have reached the home stretch of this movie, the final night. The counselor who is in charge of the younger campers has them go on a camping trip to the other side of the lake to sleep outdoors. M-E-G Meg has the night off and asks Mel out for dinner at his cabin, which excites Mel since he is about to get his freak on with a 16 or 17 year old. M-E-G Meg goes next door to shower since their shower is full, also the cabins have been consolidated because of the death, so the cabin is empty. The killer stabs meg through the wall of a shower and kills her. She stays against the wall of the shower, standing but dead, until Mel walks by several hours later.

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Business or pleasure?

Paul feels bad about making out with Judy and begs Angela for a second chance. Angela tells him to go to the beach later, ooh la la. Meanwhile Judy heads to the cabin to get the D from a boy, but Mel walks in while looking for M-E-G Meg (this is right before he encounters her in the shower). The guy is able to hide, but leaves after because he is worried about getting caught. This is when the killer comes in and shoves Judy’s curling iron up her vagina and, I think, kills her. I am not a doctor though.

People start discovering the bodies. Hell, even the kids that are camping on the other side of the lake get brutally murdered. Everyone starts freaking out. Mel finds Ricky and beats him until he is unconscious, but Ricky is not the killer! Mel dies by being shot through the throat with an arrow.

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Could have had a cigar

Ronnie and one other counselor stumble onto the beach and see Angela sitting there, humming a song. As they approach we can see Paul lying there, with his head in her lap, and they are naked. We are then taken on another memory trip where we see the mother talking to Peter, the boy who is now Angela, about how they need a girl because they already have Ricky in the house. This ultimately reveals that Angela is actually a boy who has been forced to grow up as a girl. Angela then stands up and makes a hideous sound with a creepy face, and confirms that Angela has a penis. Also she decapitated Paul.

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I kept this SFW

This ends the movie. Really, this is the end. Roll credits over the face. Its done. See for yourself.

This movie is a cult classic for a reason. The writing, sound mixing, dialogue, acting, characters, plot, are all either bad or ridiculous (or both). An original orchestral score accompanying this movie only adds to the surrealness of the experience. However, the twist at the end is where the beauty is. Its very hard to predict unless you have been very aware of a few things and made some assumptions about them. Such as, why did the mom do the physicals? Why doesn’t Angela do anything with anyone? If you answer, “Because Angela has a penis” you would be correct. 

Overall this film is a must-see if you like bad movies. Each scene is special in its own way. It reminds me closely of Troll 2 in how bad it is, but isn’t quite on that level. 25/100 only because I am trying to review how good a movie is. 

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I’ve seen things…things that will change a man’s mustache

Weird notes…

This movie spawned 2 sequels starring Bruce Springsteen’s daughter as Angela, and another sequel which released in 2008 which reprises much of the original cast.

The police officer from midway through the movie returns at the end, this time wearing a fake mustache.

The actor who plays Mel died from cancer before the film was released, I am sure the cigars had nothing to do with it.

The cast wore their own clothes, which is a positive and a negative. A positive because some of the shirts, like the Blue Oyster Cult one, were awesome. A negative because you see very clear outlines of penises, and lots of teens wearing short shorts.

Last week: Mad Max: Fury Road

Next week: American Beauty

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