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Happy New Year you schmucks! Welcome back to Fernfield: Where Everything is Possible. I realize that I have been saying anything instead of everything, and for that I apologize.

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Freemason sign in the background, Buddy is Illuminati confirmed

The mom is getting married to the vet from the second movie, except the actor has been replaced. I think it is weird that the mom, the two kids, and the close friends of the kids, all stay the same…but the father gets replaced. Maybe it was a haunted set.

While at the altar Josh realized he forgot the ring, so he sends air bud to fetch the ring from the house. The dog needs to recognize the concepts of the ring and the dresser while also realizing the ring is in the ring box. Air Bud works a lift genie, which he hadn’t before, and takes it up to get to the window (which was open even though no one was home except a painter for some reason). On the way back to the church, Air Bud spots a foxy lady golden retrieve, giving me some ideas for that air bud porn I mentioned in the last review.

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Ha, dog eating people food

The priest says “By the power invested in me” rather than vested, which indicates to me that this movie is for the dogs. So far the villain seems to be a dog catcher, which we can all agree is a major step back from a clown and Russians.

The dog catcher spots the lady dog, whose collar was accidentally removed in the woods. He also, through his binoculures saw Air Bud surrounded by kids and ground his teeth while saying “ooooh, two golden retrievers”. However, do dog catchers actually just take people’s dogs? Air Bud is clearly someone’s dog, he is wearing a tuxedo for Dog’s sake! But I don’t know. Today’s fan question for my dog catcher readers out there, do you just steal dogs and sell them for parts?

There is a new soccer coach in town for the middle school, of course she is from England. What is this, The Big Green? And of course there is the mandatory “what i thought you said football” joke because we call it soccer. Anyway, the younger sister, Andrea, is playing soccer on the middle school team. Does this mean she is the main character in this movie? No, it does not.

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She always calls her father “daddy”

Back to the talent, Josh stares at the coach throughout the practice, which she notices and seems to enjoy. An awkward love ballad plays in the background. Josh’s sister is the best wingman and introduced Josh to the coach Emma, who also happens to be going to the High School. The next day Josh and his dweeby friend from the first two movies decide to join the soccer team to woo the British girl. Twice now these kids play a new sport because that kid wants to score. Also the dumbass wears football pads to soccer practice because he is a fool.

One kid on the soccer team trashes Josh for joining because the team is full and they don’t let basketball players play? Did this dumbass forget that Josh was also the QB? Clearly. But Josh is bad at soccer because he has never played. Now to start a weird 5 on 5 soccer montage where Emma outclasses everyone. #GirlPower

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Who doesn’t think this dog can play soccer?

Now is time to test out the goalkeeper. One kid steps in goal and says “I dare any body, even that mutt, to get the ball past me” to which one kid in the movie read my mind by remarking, “What is he talking about? Doesn’t he realize that is Air Bud!?”. Another kid says “A dog can’t play soccer!”, as though basketball and football are easier for a dog? Of course Air Bud makes the shot. The lady dog  watches and cheers. Keep in mind, throughout the process they’ve been 1 man short. However, when asked whether Air Bud can make the team, the coach says YES! By this time every damn sporting federation has changed their rules to include an anti-dog provision. If not after the basketball fiasco, then football certainly did it.

Also the lady dog is Emma’s dog! On second watch this is actually revealed earlier, though I didn’t notice. Moving on…

Game 1. The refs are bafoons like in the last movie, as one takes the quarter from the opening toss while the other is so out of shape he can’t keep up with the play. This match might as well have no refs, they don’t know what they are doing. These are the same refs as Golden Receiver, and one of them is the a ref in the OG Air Bud: Ball is Life.

Anyway, Air Bud gets an assist before the end of the game to make it 3-1. However, their attack was so abysmal that the coach is having them do a practice after the game in order to learn how to pass better.

Emma is having a party. The dweeby kid, who apparently didn’t end up wooing that girl from the second movie, is going to wear something distinctly english in order to attract Emma. The sister and her friend follow Buddy that night all decked out in spy stuff. They even have code names, Kibbles and Bits. HA. But they follow Air Bud to Emma’s house, where Josh is going anyway. So I bet something fun is going to happen.

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Very British

Emma’s father is looking for a new butler. One of the dog catchers has decided to impersonate a butler to get on the inside, which the guy hired right on the spot. Apparently the lady dog hasn’t been feeling well. I WONDER WHY, probably sex reasons.

The next game is about to begin, and the opposing coach is taken aback that the Timberwolves are starting both a girl and a dog. One of the players on the opposing team exclaims that it is not just any dog, it is Air Bud. The legend grows each day, but it doesn’t explain to me how each sport hasn’t changed the rules to keep Air Bud from playing. I know I keep repeating myself on this, but people are aware of Air Bud in this universe. How have these sports not had these conversations? The coach even says, “What’s next, a water buffalo?”. Exactly! There isn’t a rule against it therefore it is permitted. Go get a team of water buffalo to play soccer and you would wreck this high school league.

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Air Bud scores from this position

Josh went out on a date with Emma and blew it. Why? He took the advice of his dweeby foreveralone friend by acting like a tough guy instead of a #NiceGuy. Afterwards we see the newly christened dad for the first time since the wedding, and haven’t seen the mom since the second scene.

The athletic conference has, finally, decided to disqualify the team because of the dog. The coach says that he has been on other Fernfield high teams, which isn’t true at all as far as I know. The basketball team was pre-junior high, and junior high doesn’t count as high school in my book. Unless he has been playing during the time between movies. Also, why isn’t there a rule about being enrolled at the school and being allowed to play? What would stop Michael Jordan from suiting up for Fernfield high and playing? Anyway, they kick the ball into the net and leave without playing.

Like, I understand that we are supposed to feel bad for the team because they can’t cheat anymore….but come on! These shenanigans couldn’t go on forever.

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Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay

The next day the lady dog gives birth. This is when everyone realizes that Buddy and the lady dog have been doing it. which is ridiculous unless they have been totally neglectful of their dogs. ALSO does air bud ever shit? we never see it happen, not even as a joke. Air Bud is 100% efficient. Also, just so you know, the coach who decided the Timberwolves cheated by having a dog on the team had a change of heart after his son took it as an insult. These people are so afraid of actual fair play.

Jumping forward a bit, the dog catcher that is disguised as a butler has still not stolen all these dogs, he is playing the long con. He seems to have been doing a serviceable job because he hasn’t been fired yet. Why not give up your life of crime to work an honest job? Turns out next scene they try and steal the dogs. They lock the lady dog away and steal the puppies by placing them in a hamper. Meanwhile Air Bud is at Josh’s home and somehow senses this from a long distance away, because he is Air Bud and he knows all. Unfortunately Air Bud is too late and they don’t stop the heist.

The mom makes pour-over coffee before heading to the soccer game. Why? Great question. its great, but just a weird thing to just be making in an afternoon. This town is in the general area of Seattle, so I guess this is a stereotype of how much they love coffee or something.

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Its just an oddly specific way of making coffee

Now it is the conference championship and a player from the women’s national team is in attendance, which is cool. Josh, Emma, and Air Bud are looking for the puppies so they aren’t at the game. This looks to be shaping up for a The Big Green scenario. They find the dogs in a warehouse that can only be described as a Saw scenario for dogs.

Back to the game… Fernfield surrenders a goal early. I don’t even know how they have 11 players, unless they added more after the season started. They are probably playing with 8 people right?

Josh and Co. are running from the dog catchers after being spotted and choose to blow the dog whistle to rally all the dogs in a 10 mile radius to their location. Josh used this dog whistle earlier in the movie which summoned a stampede of pooches. Meanwhile Fernfield scores a goal off a penalty, so its all 1-1.

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Air Bud is the Caesar of dogs, and I don’t mean the dog food brand

Now the dog catchers are the catched? as they run around their warehouse away from the dogs. They are cornered and decided to climb a ladder, which a dog knocks over and they fall. However, its not a fatal fall (unlike the prior two movies scenarios where people would have died). They rescue the dogs and everyone is happy, now we can get to soccer. The guy who was the butler turned out to not be evil and instead just wanted a dog, he defects and drives them to the soccer match.

With less than 4 minutes left in the game and down a goal, they show up and are allowed to play. I just want to know where the other 3 players were? or were they able to keep it this close playing 8 on 11? Anyway, Emma scores an equalizer and Air Bud scores the go ahead goal as time expires! Is the waterboy the kid from the beginning who brought water to the girls but they ran away? I think so. how dumb. also see, nobody is on the bench!

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This match was sponsored by First Mutual

Anyway, the Women’s Team player likes Buddy’s game and decides to bring him to the WORLD CUP FINAL against Norway. Well, the actual soccer player goes down, she is the goalkeeper, and they are in penalties. There is one penalty to go, the US is one goal up. Buddy is going in as GK, which he has never played before, and makes the save! Air Bud won the World Cup! Fuck you, roll credits.

Clearly there isn’t any stipulation for a dog playing international soccer. Also Air Bud is a male dog, does that matter? I think it should. is Air Bud a US citizen? this opens up more questions than it answers….

In this episode of the Air Bud saga, it really settles into its own. The sport is one a dog would be able to play well in, the bad guys are dog catchers, and nobody is obscenely weird, and nobody sustains injuries which would kill a normal person. Meanwhile the players on the team actually show improvement throughout the season, its not just Air Bud carrying the team. The movie isn’t perfect by any means, but the bar is incredibly low and it is the best Air Bud movie so far and I rate it a 50/100. 

Death Count: 3

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This isn’t the first time this has happened

Weird things….

Is it the same soundtrack in each movie? Seems like it

Is this just The Big Green meets Homeward Bound 2 Lost in San Francisco? Yes

In one scene Air Bud makes a sundae for his sweety in such an elaborate way that it makes no sense. The ice cream parlor attendant probably needs hearing aids.

At one point the dogs watch, what I think, is dog porn.

Previously: Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Next: Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch

 

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