When you eat a slice of pizza before it’s cool, you’ll burn the roof of your mouth. You’ll probably want some orange juice to cool it down, so you’ll drink a nice tall glass. The acid will make the pain worse. Your gums will get real torn up and your teeth will fall out.

You’ll gather your teeth and put them in a jar. You’ll walk outside. You’ll ask the first person you see for help. She’s a woman wearing a nylon jacket. She has soft brown hair and she’s holding the hand of a child. She will turn around and look at you, mouth covered in blood, and then at the jar of teeth. She will be so frightened that her teeth will fall out, and her child will be so frightened from the screams that his teeth will fall out too. They will put their teeth in jars and ask other people for help, and those people will become so frightened that their teeth will fall out and they will put them in jars too.

Within three days, most people on the globe will have lost their teeth. The terror will transcend species. Cows, horses and wolves will wear their teeth in jars around their necks like amulets and they won’t know why. They will be unable to graze or hunt or chew and they will begin to starve. Within four days, there will be no creature with even one tooth left in its mouth. Some of the animals will not mind because they never had teeth. Some of the animals will be happy because their predator used to have teeth. Most will not understand the gravity of what happened and will simply experience the effects, because their brains are not predisposed to understanding the cause.

The tooth fairy will have to deal with an unprecedented financial burden. She will withdraw all her assets at once. She will sell her company to elves. The stock market in the Fairy Kingdom will crash. Millions of fairies will be left homeless on the streets and most of them will starve, not unlike the animals of the Earth.

The mass death of the fairies will cause a shortage in supernatural labor, specifically for the gods who are in charge of maintaining the laws of physics but are too lazy to actually do the work. It will have been so long since they did their job that they will no longer remember how to do it. The task of keeping matter together will not be attended to. The fabric of time will get real torn up and the space will fall out.

You’ll gather up the space and put it into a jar. You’ll walk outside. You’ll ask the first person you see for help.

This public service announcement brought to you by Ann’s Pizza on Bethel Road. We book birthday parties–CALL TODAY!