So yeah, everyone’s asking me all the time like, “Why’d you stop writing for BOT?” and I’m just like, “Girl, can you not?” because I literally have SO. MANY. good reasons that I took a break from all this bullshit. That’s right, it was a break. I didn’t even stop writing completely. I just wasn’t writing on this ONE website so y’all can chill now. STOP FREAKING OUT. It’s not like taking a two year break is unheard of. Lots of people take two year breaks from shit, like when I took a two year break from coke in rehab. That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly not a coke-head after I took a two year break. So it’s not like after two years I’m not Ms. Ann Thrope anymore either. Even though that’s what the media would like you to believe.

I KNOW that all the magazines say I joined a cult to try and battle my inner demons but that’s so not true. I don’t even know what a demon is! How could I join a cult to fight something that I don’t even know about? You want to know the real reason I disappeared for two years? I’ll give it to you in a nice buzzfeed-type list without the gifs to make it nice and easy for you.

1. The reason I’m famous is because of my looks, not my writing. I have OTHER things to do besides write, like look fucking amazing. It’s hard work, and no, you wouldn’t understand so don’t even start with that shit.
2. The CEO of Booze and Other Nonsense said that I had to stop selling my products on his site, and said that all my ideas sucked. HE SUCKS.
3. I’M A CEO NOW. I’m too busy to be writing dumbass articles for some beer review site. I’m now a thriving entrepreneur who sells filters to SNAPCHAT for your dick to make it glamorous. Your dick is already amazing. Imagine it with a cute duck face! What’s more is that the filters only cost 25 cents* each. It’s a great deal, for a great service!
4. I went to Alaska for a cruise. There isn’t even internet there because it’s so cold. I guess the computers froze! How am I supposed to write on an online blog in ALASKA?
5. I’ve been managing Trump’s twitter account. Ever wonder how all that depth and insight fits into 140 characters? That’s me, bitch.
6. I joined a really cool club, that was NOT a cult. They changed my name to Jane and said I shouldn’t wear my hear up anymore because it’s too masculine. They also broke my computer because I was being tempted by false idols, which was super helpful. They were REALLY nice! NOT A CULT.

So I guess the main point of this article would be that you shouldn’t judge me based on what you’ve heard from the media, and should realize that I’m actually a really great person. Maybe even the best person. And if you need any special filters for a special friend, you know who to call.

*25 cents is a REALLY good deal. DON’T PASS THIS UP.