So yeah, everyone’s asking me all the time like, “Why’d you stop writing for BOT?” and I’m just like, “Girl, can you not?” because I literally have SO. MANY. good reasons that I took a break from all this bullshit. That’s right, it was a break. I didn’t even stop writing completely. I just wasn’t writing on this ONE website so y’all can chill now. STOP FREAKING OUT. It’s not like taking a two year break is unheard of. Lots of people take two year breaks from shit, like when I took a two year break from coke in rehab. That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly not a coke-head after I took a two year break. So it’s not like after two years I’m not Ms. Ann Thrope anymore either. Even though that’s what the media would like you to believe.
I KNOW that all the magazines say I joined a cult to try and battle my inner demons but that’s so not true. I don’t even know what a demon is! How could I join a cult to fight something that I don’t even know about? You want to know the real reason I disappeared for two years? I’ll give it to you in a nice buzzfeed-type list without the gifs to make it nice and easy for you.
- The reason I’m famous is because of my looks, not my writing. I have OTHER things to do besides write, like look fucking amazing. It’s hard work, and no, you wouldn’t understand so don’t even start with that shit.
- The CEO of Booze and Other Nonsense said that I had to stop selling my products on his site, and said that all my ideas sucked. HE SUCKS.
- I’M A CEO NOW. I’m too busy to be writing dumbass articles for some beer review site. I’m now a thriving entrepreneur who sells filters to SNAPCHAT for your dick to make it glamorous. Your dick is already amazing. Imagine it with a cute duck face! What’s more is that the filters only cost 25 cents* each. It’s a great deal, for a great service!
- I went to Alaska for a cruise. There isn’t even internet there because it’s so cold. I guess the computers froze! How am I supposed to write on an online blog in ALASKA?
- I’ve been managing Trump’s twitter account. Ever wonder how all that depth and insight fits into 140 characters? That’s me, bitch.
- I joined a really cool club, that was NOT a cult. They changed my name to Jane and said I shouldn’t wear my hear up anymore because it’s too masculine. They also broke my computer because I was being tempted by false idols, which was super helpful. They were REALLY nice! NOT A CULT.
So I guess the main point of this article would be that you shouldn’t judge me based on what you’ve heard from the media, and should realize that I’m actually a really great person. Maybe even the best person. And if you need any special filters for a special friend, you know who to call.
*25 cents is a REALLY good deal. DON’T PASS THIS UP.