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Booze and Other Nonsense

~ Musings of a psychopathic alcoholic, raconteurs, film buff, and more!

Booze and Other Nonsense

Monthly Archives: August 2016

Sleepaway Camp

26 Friday Aug 2016

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

≈ Leave a comment

Welcome to review #3, we have a small announcement to make before getting on with it.

We at Booze and Other Nonsense are looking for a porn reviewer. You need to be comfortable reviewing all varieties of porn, so if you are homophobic do not apply. Other than that we are a “Take On All Comers” organization. Occasionally you may be asked to review an Arsenal match, specifically if Olivier Giroud removes his shirt. Send your resume, cover letter, and 2 references to IWantToReviewPorn@boozeandothernonsense.com

Thank you, and now to this review….

*** If you haven’t seen this movie before, I recommend you do it now unless you want it to be spoiled almost immediately. *** 

Here is the video…

I struggled for a while with how to review this movie. It is one of those “So bad it’s good” movies, and I can probably watch it every day and not get bored. At the end of the day, it is indeed a film and it doesn’t get as much attention as I think it should. The director does a bit of a magic trick by showing you what happens, while at the same time hoping you will be too distracted by what else is going on to really pay enough attention. On first watch you definitely don’t notice, but ever since then I have taken note that it was the girl who died in the water…as they show the boy alive after the accident.

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The Boy Who Lived

However the next scene they introduce Angela instead of the boy, as well as the mother who is insane. She happens to be a doctor, she also happens to force the boy to be raised as his sister Angela. This is 500 feet deep of fucked up, but it is all revealed at the end of the movie. Instead we are treated by a mother who can’t speak her lines because she must sing them. Ricky, her son, is tired of her shit. When he asks if she packed any chips, she informs him that she packed a whole bag. Which is, of course, preferable to loose chips in a bag full of other items of food.

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A whole baaaaaaag

We then spend far too long watching the mother explain that she has forgotten something, then realizing that she tied a string around her finger to remember, but then forgetting what it was she tied a string for…then remembering what she needed. She needed their physicals for camp, and they cannot tell anyone where they came from (although they do know that she is a doctor). Clearly this scene is supposed to be reminiscent of those times when you try to remember something but then forget it, despite it being important. Unfortunately it adds nothing to the movie, except to reinforce that everyone is insane and to give some cryptic hint that something is weird with one of them. Last thing about the mother (at least for now), she is the only mother depicted in this movie. The movie starts with the “In Fond Memory of Mom, A Doer” tribute. How fucked up must this guy’s mom have been to tribute this movie to her?

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Literally how the movie starts

Before going any further I must state that this movie had an original full orchestral score. 1983 was a great time to be alive, as this shitty movie was able to afford this somehow. Edward Bilous is credited on wikipedia for the music, which is probably true. The music stands out at times, especially near the beginning when we are introduced to our next group of characters…

As the buses drop the kids off at the camp, the children have to run down a big hill towards the cabins. This is where we meet Paul, Ricky’s friend, who is a nice guy overall. We are introduced to Judy, one of the villains in the movie. She went steady with Ricky the year before, but now has big tits and doesn’t need Ricky. We also meet the cooking staff which features a pedophile that describes the children as “baldies”, which is a term I have started using to describe the freshmen on campus here. The assistant head chef is James Earl Jones’s father, which you can tell based purely on his voice. Now, I don’t know if JEJ’s father was already an accomplished actor…but the fact that his father had to do this movie despite Star Wars Episode 6 coming out that year as well probably means James Earl Jones wasn’t one for sharing money with his family.

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Something something “I am your father”

After meeting the rest of the supporting cast, we see the cafeteria. Everyone is eating, having a good time, except for Angela who doesn’t care to do so. Ronnie, one of the people who helps run the camp, decides to bring Angela into the kitchen to see if the head chef could make something special for her. He decides to give her a cockmeat sandwich, but Ricky fortunately rescues her. Later that day, when making a freakishly large pot of corn, someone gets the chef to drop the pot on himself. It sounds convoluted, and it is. As far as I know, he doesn’t die, but he is in excruciating pain. When asked how his eyes were, the EMT says that it is too early to tell…which is the most important part of a pedophile.

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This actually happens in this movie

Immediately afterwards we are treated by a typical camp prank and a game of baseball between the two boys cabins. The baseball scene is probably my favorite, as it exposes two things about this movie. 1. The director believes that all kids are complete assholes. They have great insults, trash talk during underhand pitch baseball, and throw the F Bomb around far more than I think anyone does. When asked what they are going to wager on the game, one kid (Billy) tells Ricky to “Fuck a man, asshole” while Ricky responds with “That sounds a bit steep, make it five”. I assume he means five dollars, but on further review it could mean five men. Lastly, when trash talking Billy tells Ricky to, “Eat shit and Die…” to which Ricky responds, “Eat shit and live, Bill”. I am definitely in favor of using this response more often in our current lexicon.

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Supposedly a teenager

2. People in the 80s wore incredibly tight and short clothing. There is nothing wrong with being gay, in fact I encourage it, but I would not be surprised if these kids were getting it on together. There is a lot of evidence of this, I think. Not only do they embrace their bodies a lot, they also skinny dip together (specifically without any girls), they get into a water balloon fight on the roof of a cabin, some wear see-through shirts, and they jump on each other. The early 80s might be more tolerant of homosexuality than the modern day, but I am probably wrong about that.

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After failing to get a girl to join them, the boys decide to do this anyway

Angela and Paul get into a budding relationship which makes Judy jealous. I am not quite sure I understand Judy’s hatefulness towards Angela. I think she just really wants the D but she sees Angela getting attention (only from Paul) without actually putting out. Meanwhile we get out second (or really first) death of the camp, when one kid who bullied Angela earlier, drowns in the lake. To describe the events that led to his death would take a lot of time for no payoff, I just recommend watching the movie. Mel, who runs the camp and also smokes cigars like they are going out of style (like his clothing), is rightfully concerned about the future of the camp after a death like this.

We steadily move along through the story. You get to see Judy’s nipples through her shirt, which makes a viewer uncomfortable since I know that the actors for the campers are all under 18. Paul kisses Angela for the first time, which can only be described as stealing a kiss (in fact, two) because she doesn’t even flinch when it happens. The boys do another prank on the nerdy kid with the old “shaving cream and a feather” trick. This character, Mozart, fell asleep reading a nudey mag. I know this because his fly is buttoned  but he has the magazine on his chest. He reacts by pulling out a knife and threatening to kill Ricky with it, and dancing around the room trying to stab him. The knife is taken by a counselor, and the mood flips because Paul got back from kissing Angela and the boys all jump on him. I am really just describing these scenes, watch the movie because it is as ridiculous as I am making it out to be.

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You know, water balloon fights on the roof

While the boys are definitely mean, the girls do not hold back. Most of the time we see Meg (M-E-G) she is yelling at Angela for not participating in the activities. Judy says some incredibly mean things at her, in fact one of those things is my favorite insult from this movie. “You’re a real carpenter’s dream. Flat as a board and easy to screw.” She said this believing that Angela refused to shower with everyone else because she hasn’t reached puberty yet. This is now my go to insult when I yell at those darn freshmen on campus.

This movie isn’t even 90 minutes long and I am only half way through the movie as I am reviewing it. Just know that I tried to keep this review as short as possible and omitted many things to keep this review from getting out of hand.

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The pot of water I mentioned earlier, hes standing on a chair…

Billy dies next, unfortunate, but he had to go because he threw that darned water balloon at Angela. He had to go take a wicked dump before playing a baseball game, but instead a bee hive is dropped on him in the bathroom.The killer cuts open a hole in the screen with the knife that Mozart had earlier, and Billy gets his face eaten by bees because he cant escape the bathroom. A wicked dump indeed.

Mel suspects that Ricky is the killer, as he has seen the hate in his eyes towards the other campers. Also this is the only scene I can remember that Mel isn’t smoking or about to smoke a cigar. Angela and Paul go to the beach to fool around, which goes well until Paul tries to unbutton Angela’s shirt. She goes catatonic once again, and remembers that time seeing her dad and her dad’s gay lover together in bed. Oh, did I forget to mention this earlier?

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John…

In the beginning of the movie Angela (then called Peter) and the real Angela are playing on the lake with their father. They tip over the sailboat by being clever schemers, and a man from the beach tells him that the Doc will be there soon. The man on the beach is the dad’s lover, meanwhile he responds to seeing his lover die in a very strange way. The photo above is his response. Which brings me to another point, people in this movie respond to death in weird ways. Okay, back to the movie…

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Short game is on point

So after this weird memory sequence which takes place in a black box, Angela runs away leaving Paul with blue balls. Angela stumbles on Paul and Judy making out in the woods while playing capture the flag…which causes Angela to revert back to her old self whenever Paul tries to talk to her. The girls (Judy and M-E-G Meg) physically carry Angela and throw her into the water, while Mel restrains Ricky from helping her. Ronnie can be seen lifting weights in the background, which really caps off this wonderfully scripted scene.

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“Yes I would like to have sex with a teenager”

We have reached the home stretch of this movie, the final night. The counselor who is in charge of the younger campers has them go on a camping trip to the other side of the lake to sleep outdoors. M-E-G Meg has the night off and asks Mel out for dinner at his cabin, which excites Mel since he is about to get his freak on with a 16 or 17 year old. M-E-G Meg goes next door to shower since their shower is full, also the cabins have been consolidated because of the death, so the cabin is empty. The killer stabs meg through the wall of a shower and kills her. She stays against the wall of the shower, standing but dead, until Mel walks by several hours later.

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Business or pleasure?

Paul feels bad about making out with Judy and begs Angela for a second chance. Angela tells him to go to the beach later, ooh la la. Meanwhile Judy heads to the cabin to get the D from a boy, but Mel walks in while looking for M-E-G Meg (this is right before he encounters her in the shower). The guy is able to hide, but leaves after because he is worried about getting caught. This is when the killer comes in and shoves Judy’s curling iron up her vagina and, I think, kills her. I am not a doctor though.

People start discovering the bodies. Hell, even the kids that are camping on the other side of the lake get brutally murdered. Everyone starts freaking out. Mel finds Ricky and beats him until he is unconscious, but Ricky is not the killer! Mel dies by being shot through the throat with an arrow.

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Could have had a cigar

Ronnie and one other counselor stumble onto the beach and see Angela sitting there, humming a song. As they approach we can see Paul lying there, with his head in her lap, and they are naked. We are then taken on another memory trip where we see the mother talking to Peter, the boy who is now Angela, about how they need a girl because they already have Ricky in the house. This ultimately reveals that Angela is actually a boy who has been forced to grow up as a girl. Angela then stands up and makes a hideous sound with a creepy face, and confirms that Angela has a penis. Also she decapitated Paul.

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I kept this SFW

This ends the movie. Really, this is the end. Roll credits over the face. Its done. See for yourself.

This movie is a cult classic for a reason. The writing, sound mixing, dialogue, acting, characters, plot, are all either bad or ridiculous (or both). An original orchestral score accompanying this movie only adds to the surrealness of the experience. However, the twist at the end is where the beauty is. Its very hard to predict unless you have been very aware of a few things and made some assumptions about them. Such as, why did the mom do the physicals? Why doesn’t Angela do anything with anyone? If you answer, “Because Angela has a penis” you would be correct. 

Overall this film is a must-see if you like bad movies. Each scene is special in its own way. It reminds me closely of Troll 2 in how bad it is, but isn’t quite on that level. 25/100 only because I am trying to review how good a movie is. 

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I’ve seen things…things that will change a man’s mustache

Weird notes…

This movie spawned 2 sequels starring Bruce Springsteen’s daughter as Angela, and another sequel which released in 2008 which reprises much of the original cast.

The police officer from midway through the movie returns at the end, this time wearing a fake mustache.

The actor who plays Mel died from cancer before the film was released, I am sure the cigars had nothing to do with it.

The cast wore their own clothes, which is a positive and a negative. A positive because some of the shirts, like the Blue Oyster Cult one, were awesome. A negative because you see very clear outlines of penises, and lots of teens wearing short shorts.

Last week: Mad Max: Fury Road

Next week: American Beauty

Beer Review #84: Genesse Ice

25 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

dicks out, epipen, genesse, genny, grandma, harambe, ice beer, Meme, Trump

Fresh New Memes 

I recently met a Meme Baron. After seducing him, marrying him, poisoning his gimlet, and raiding his stash of ultra-dank goodness. Here is what I found.

2014ASSHOLE EPIPEN

 
bulimiaGOOD GUY DONALD TRUMP

heartGRANDMA THAT YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON

phil

BLACK LIVES MATTER

If any of these adequately upset you or you need to let me know how bad I am at this, please like the facebook page or let me know on twitter. Here’s the review.

IMG_20160719_221545633Appearance: There’s a thin, white head resting on an almost amber colored beer that’s bursting with bubbles and kinda cloudy. Something seems off about it, but I can’t say what.

Smell: Pure sugar syrup.

Taste: Medium-bodied and kinda crisp. Not nearly as terrible as I assumed it would be. It’s very sweet and tastes like pennies, but the body somehow makes that tolerable. There’s not really a ton going on with it: No aftertaste, no complexity, no personality.

Overall: You could drink a lot of these on a hot day, but it’s a little creamy so eventually it would lose some of that appeal. It’s not terrible for what it is, but it’s not good. 44/100.

Up Next: Schlitz, I think.

Mad Max: Fury Road

16 Tuesday Aug 2016

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

≈ Leave a comment

Welcome to review #2, Fury Road Boogaloo, now with slightly more editing.

I am reviewing movies that are available on netflix/hulu/amazon/hbo go, but if you have a movie you want me to review you can send it to me via mail. I will only accept Video Home System tapes, however. If you are a film distributor I would love to receive a blu-ray or digital copy of a film you want me to review, I am specifically looking at you The Weinstein Company. I would love to have an early view of Gold, Wild Oats, or the film adaptation of In The Heights, I am sure we could help each other.

Now, onto this furiously mad movie…

Mad Max 10

My body is ready

Welcome back to the world of Mad Max, its been a while. This is the first Mad Max since 1985 when we went Beyond Thunderdome. Tom Hardy replaces Mel Gibson as Max, Charlize Theron plays the female lead Furiosa, and Hugh Keays-Byrne plays the antagonist Immortan Joe. George Miller returns as the director/writer/producer, which is definitely impressive considering he is now going on 70 years old and spent the last few decades directing Babe: Pig in the City and the Happy Feet movies. Will we see a Happy Feet-Mad Max crossover? Only time will tell.

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Imagine this, but a penguin head

This is the fourth in a series of films, but you don’t need to see the others to understand most of what is going on. The beginning offers enough background to catch up on the important parts. In short, the world has gone to shit and Max is haunted by his past.

While George Miller himself states that it is better to think of these movies as being individual stories in a world we explore through our character, Max Rockatansky. However it makes most sense if you think of this movie as following Thunderdome (if you have seen it). Max is now alone, with longer hair, and more insane each day. In the beginning of the film he is captured and his hair is shaved, signifying a departure from where we left off in the prior trilogy. This is a new Max, even though his appearance may remind you of Road Warrior.

Mad max 2

An efficient way to distribute water

One of my favorite things about this movie is the language it uses, since there are distinct dialectical differences with the english we use today. The vocabulary is similar, but with either new words, new meanings of old words, or different pronunciation and spelling of old words, is both clever and immersive. Sure, guzzoline is just gasoline… but there is a difference between half-lifes and full-lifes, as half-lifes have cancer and full-lifes do not. These are just a few of the differences, but I think you see the point.

Mad Max 6

Aqua-Cola: The Official Soft Drink of the Olympic Games

This brings us to the religious themes in this movie and the Cult of the V8 which follows Immortan Joe. The religion is similarly a mishmash of older traditions and fittingly is focused on Norse mythologies of Valhalla and a warrior’s death. It also includes things like kamikaze, or in the language in this movie “kamakrazee”, to describe their desire to sacrifice themselves at the end of their life to greater damage an enemy similar to a Japanese strategy in WW2. So not only does he have a city of people who depend on him for basic necessities like water, he also has an army of followers religiously devoted to him and intent on dying for him. Not a bad deal, if you ask me.

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I’m not crying, there is just chrome paint in my eye….

The story not only takes place in a rich and interesting culture, but there are also deep and complex characters at play, as well as a geography to navigate. Immortan Joe wants to have healthy children to continue his line. He sees himself as being divine after conquering the aquifer after his supporters thought all hope was lost, and his followers treat him as such. His partners operate the nearby cities of Gas Town and the Bullet Farm which, as you might guess, produce guzzoline and bullets respectively. Throughout the movie his partners grow tired of this chase, both because it is a family affair not a business issue, and because it is a waste of their own resources.Outside of their territory we encounter Buzzards which are russian speaking foes with spikey cars, people who ride bikes in the mountains, even more people lie to the east of the mountains.

It almost feels wrong to not have mentioned the conflict in the movie yet. Furiosa takes Immortan Joe’s breeders, which upsets him because he really likes raping them. One of these breeders is pregnant and showing while another is in the first trimester. Immortan Joe has two other sons, one who is strong but dimwitted, the other is deformed but intelligent, the goal is to have a healthy child which is perfect in every way. Furiosa does not initially want to rescue them, she thinks they are naive because they are spoiled in many way. Over time she has a change of heart (because of the constant rapes and attempts at self inducing an abortion) and decides to free them by hiding them in the War Rig, making a run for her old home. (This is information taken from the comic book on Furiosa)

Mad Max 5

You have nothing to lose but your chains

I do want to mention the feminist themes in the movie because they are very present, but they have also been talked to death by more dedicated feminist blogs like Jezebel or any number of reviews you can read that focus more on the feminist themes by just googling “mad max feminism”. The female lead is Furiosa who definitely transcends the typical female lead, even in action movies. She is strong, shows herself to be better than Max in several areas, has a leadership in Immortan Joe’s society, and so on. Immortan Joe sees his breeders, and their children, as his property, mimicking traditional and even current attitudes towards women and their bodies. Towards the end of the movie, when they encounter what was Furiosa’s old clan, we discover they are all older women. They are each pretty bad-ass in their own way, and help fight in the climax of the movie. These women are all adept with guns and hand to hand combat, meanwhile one of them carries a purse full of seeds with the confidence that in the future there might again be life in the wasteland. Lastly, Max doesn’t do much on his own and is usually aided by a woman. Max defeats Rictus through the help of one of the older women, as Max was clearly outmatched on his own. All of this helps make this one of the most unique action movies, and in my opinion one of the best action movies, ever created.

Mad Max 4

We are all Witnesses

The action sequences are where this movie really shines, as it should. The effects are very practical rather than CGI focused, which is something I think we all can appreciate. It is so well choreographed that it almost seems unfair to other movies of the same genre. It looks so real that it almost looks fake, and as you watch it you contemplate how someone could actually create this movie without having casualties on the set.

The music is really intense, and mostly original to the movie. Miller uses a few other pieces, such as Dies Irae, which  artfully punctuates a specific moment in the story. Most of the music is based off of the traveling band with the war party, led by the Doof Warrior who plays a massive guitar that shoots flames. Make no mistake, he is the 4th most important character in the movie (sorry Nux). He also loves playing his guitar more than you love anything.

Mad Max 12

So Fucking Happy

The editing is the most impressive part of this movie, by far. There are over 2,700 cuts that went into making this finished product. According to this article you can watch the movie sped up 12x and still understand what is going on. At the same time this movie is without much dialogue and the plot isn’t really driving the story, so maybe that has something to do with it. Nevertheless, you can’t come away from this film without being in awe of the editing. Fun Fact: The editor of the movie is George Miller’s wife. I bet you thought a man edited the movie. (Just kidding, i don’t care what you think)

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This shot seems reminiscent of an earlier one…

In the end there is some amount of justice. The antagonists all die while Furiosa and Max survive (along with some of the wives) to create a new Citadel. What happens next, we may never know. The next Mad Max movie (current working title Mad Max: The Wasteland) may or may not include Furiosa, although Tom Hardy is billed for 3 more Max Max movies.

Overall this movie is an extended car chase with excellent world building, powerful themes, well thought out characters, and not much dialogue. Despite its weaknesses (some would argue the plot), it overcomes them by having some of the most impressive visuals I have seen in my life. When the characters do speak it is powerful. It clearly doesn’t shy from violence, but it refuses to have over-the-top gore. A lot of effort went into this movie, and I am overjoyed that there will be more to come.

95/100 I would recommend this movie to anyone who likes action movies, movies with feminist themes, cars, Tom Hardy, Australia, or just good movies in general. I will be watching the Black and Chrome version when it comes out in September.

Mad Max 8

Everything is blue…except the main character

Weird notes…

The actor who plays Immortan Joe also played Toecutter, the primary antagonist in the first Mad Max.

As real as the action is, the crashes which include primary character surviving are at times too ridiculous. They walk away from some of the most brutal car flips, yet at the end Nux sacrifices himself by causing a car pileup in a canyon.

My favorite changed word in this dialect is “feasting” to “McFeasting”. The legacy of McDonalds will survive nuclear war.

The girl in Max’s dreams/visions haunting him is NOT his daughter.

Previously: The Boy Next Door

Next up: Sleepaway Camp

The Boy Next Door

11 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by britton120 in Movie Review

≈ Leave a comment

Welcome to the Booze and Other Nonsense film review section. I am your host, Trevor.

What I hope we get out of this are some laughs, memories, and a definitive rating of each film I watch.

A few groundrules:

  1. I will review good movies as well as bad movies.
  2. I have no formal training in comedy.
  3. Never feed him after midnight.
  4. I will discuss spoilers.

Well, without further hesitation, let’s get to our feature film…The Boy Next Door

The first thing I notice is that this is made by Blumhouse Productions. Remember these people? They also made the Paranormal Activity money grab, the Insidiouses, the Purges, and… Whiplash (and others).

I first remember hearing about this movie because of the “first edition Illiad” that the boy next door gifts Jennifer Lopez’s character. Since then, I’ve always wanted to see it. A movie with writing that bad has to be defective in other area’s right? Yes. That assumption is correct.

The story starts off with Claire (Jennifer Lopez) trying to make things work with her husband Garrett (John Corbett), after he cheated on her 9 months prior. They have separated, but he is over from time to time. He is trying to buy his son Kevin’s affection with gifts, such as a (my guess is) decent desktop computer setup. The gift every teenager wants!

The boy next door, Noah (Ryan Guzman), introduces himself by saving Claire from being crushed by her garage door. Noah is supposed to be a high schooler, yet he looks like he is in his mid 20s. Oh! That’s because Ryan Guzman was 27 during the making of this movie.  The moral of the story is, don’t hang out with people who look 10 years older than they pretend to be. He also has an uncanny understanding of garage door engineering for a high schooler….hm…Must be irrelevant right? (his character is actually 20 years old)

Noah and Kevin go to an ace hardware like store, and get some tools to fix the garage door. Kevin is awkward around hot girls at his high school, but Noah (being 20), is totally fine around teenage girls. She is totally into Noah. Also Noah is going to high school still. He should just become a handy man, but hey, that’s just my opinion.

Some asshole kids come in and start picking on Kevin. We are supposed to believe that high schoolers mock people for having an EpiPen? Do teens do that now? That is just mean, and I won’t tolerate it! Meanwhile Noah looks suspicious. Must be nothing…

Flirt with mom

Flirting with his mom while staring him in the eyes.

Fortunately, Kevin and Garrett take the vacation which they established in the first scene, and now we get a lot of alone time with Noah and Claire. And yes, he gives her a first edition copy of the Illiad which he got at a garage sale. I am calling BS on that. And its only 15 minutes into this film….

As a storm roles in, Claire tries out some 7 inch heels that she was given by her friend. She stares out the window and notices that she can see into Noah’s room, as he is undressing and staring at himself in the mirror. I think Noah’s flirting has been working.

This movie takes a hard turn to stir up a debate about the utility of education in the arts vs STEM. Meanwhile Claire notices, as does the audience, that everyone who is an adult is BORING. She wants to go back and spend more time with the Boy Next Door. You go Claire. Fortunately, Noah doesn’t know how to cook food and invites her over to cook for him.

She has had a bit of wine to drink and tells him no when he advances on her. She continuously says no as he undresses her. That doesn’t stop him, so they have sex. This is rape…right? She regretted it the next morning (and for the rest of her life). Noah punches a wall because he is mad. This is some saucy conflict! His hand, that was pretty badly cut and bleeding that morning, is completely fine a few hours later.

Fucked your wife

I fucked your wife last night.

Well school starts, and Noah walks into Claire’s classroom quoting Achilles because…why the hell not? Then Noah takes Kevin into the woods to shoot oranges with gun because…why the hell not? Then Noah gets Kevin into boxing because… This seems to be a theme of the movie.

Well Claire and Garrett are mending their relationship, which angers The Boy Next Door. Noah declares “Game On!” at Claire as he goes to school, and breaks the skull of a bully who is harassing Kevin. Noah wants to be Kevin’s father, I think. This movie is only getting more intense. Noah calls the vice principal a “Dried up fucking cunt”, and he is expelled. This expulsion does not stop him from coming to the fall fling dance and trying to rape Claire again!

Someone, probably Noah but I have no proof of this, left the printer in Claire’s classroom. There were pictures all throughout the room of them having sex, and Claire magically cleans this up in 5 minutes before the door opens. Meanwhile Garrett is letting his son Kevin drive the new car, and things get out of control. The clutch and brake stops working! Nobody dies, but everything is getting exciting!

Claire breaks into Noah’s house, hacks into his computer, and deletes the video and pictures of her. She also notices that the basement is a shrine dedicated to her, and that Noah has schematics for the brakes for a Dodge Challenger and a 2006 minivan. Its important to now note that Noah’s father was killed because his brakes failed. I can’t say anything to make this more ridiculous, this is ridiculous enough. His mother killed herself, and that is why Noah moved next door to Claire.

Noah ties up the vice principal, who is Claire’s friend, and convinces Claire to come to the house. The vice principal has a cat, we know this because….

Tied up

This cat gets to watch this murder

Claire finds the vice principal dead in the bathroom. We don’t get to see her die. Of all the crazy things this movie shows us, we don’t see her death.

Time for things to go off the rails…It hasn’t yet, trust me.

Noah kidnaps both Garrett and Kevin and tie them up in the barn on the property of the vice principal. This barn was established in the beginning of the movie. A fight ensues between Claire and Noah, Noah believes if Kevin and Garrett are dead then Claire will have no reason to continue living in her old life.

Noah decides to build a funeral pyre by splashing gasoline around the barn and lighting it on fire. Noah whips out the gun from earlier in the movie and shoots Garrett in the chest. Claire stabs Noah in the eye with an EpiPen. Yes, really!

epipen

Oops, I meant to stab your leg

Time for Kevin to do something! He joins the fight by hitting Noah with a rake. It was not very effective. Fortunately there is an engine chained inside of the barn. Claire pulls the lever and drops it onto Noah, killing him. Garrett somehow survives. They leave in an ambulance. Roll credits.

True Love Conquers All!

Overall this movie is bad. The dialogue is dreadful, the editing is poorly done, the plot is completely insane. But, at the same time, I liked it. Every scene had something going on which kept this train moving, and they established everything in the film. Few things came out of nowhere, well, apart from the ending.  The ending was rushed, but hey, when you have a final scene that takes place in a burning barn, someone gets shot, someone gets stabbed in the eye, and someone gets killed via car engine, you can rush it. 

33/100. I would recommend this if you are looking to have a good time making fun of a bad movie. Its not scary. Its only mildly funny. On the bright side, it is Noah who is sexualized more than Claire.  

Weird notes…

When Jennifer Lopez’s son has cake frosting on his hand, she says “Look at you, you’ve got schmutz everywhere”. Is this the establishment that her character is German? Or speaks Yiddish?

When the uncle first meets Claire he explains that Noah lost his parents a year ago. They odd thing is how this was shot and edited. He is in a motorized wheelchair, and comes towards the camera as he explains. He stops moving and takes his hand off the control, cut to Claire. Next he is back where he was, scooting closer as he continues to speak. Poorly done.

Noah having sex with Kevin’s crush while Claire watches is not even in the top 5 most ridiculous things in this movie.

The uncle, who is in an automatic wheelchair in the beginning of the film, is perfectly fine to walk around and give everyone a fake scare near the end of the movie.

Next up: Mad Max: Fury Road.

Beer Review #83: Leinenkugel Summer Shandy

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Story Time

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Beer Review, Burrito, Carnitas, Chipotle, Chiptopia, Chorizo, Enemies, eternal pain, god, Leinenkugel, Lists, Nietzsche, Shandy

Adventures in Monotonous Dining!

On July 1st, 2016 fast-food restaurant Chipotle began its Summer rewards program “Chiptopia.” This promotion allows customers to earn free food and potentially even get over $200 in free catering.

I’ve never cared for Chipotle. I do crave free things though so I jumped on it. I’ve been thirteen times since the promotion began. Here I will detail my experience with each trip.

Meal #1: I went on July 1st and the place was packed. Fortunately they were moving people through the line pretty quickly. I got a carnitas bowl. It was shockingly good.

Recipts

Someone. Please. Help.

Meal #2: This was probably only a couple days later. I ordered the same thing because the steak and chicken looked dry and the barbacoa was an extra dollar and I’m cheap. I noticed that most of the people visiting this restaurant are not capable of placing an order in an orderly fashion. I begin to wonder if that’s where the word “orderly: comes from.

Meal #3: Same order: White rice, pinto beans, fajita veggies, carnitas, pico de gallo, salsa verde, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, lettuce.

I get stuck behind an old woman that has two orders. She can’t remember what belongs to which entree. She doesn’t know what a burrito is. She doesn’t know what guacamole is. She has caused the line to go almost out the door. She is the one person in the world I truly despise.

Meal #4: Same meal. The restaurant was disturbingly empty. I think the woman making my bowl gave me extra meat so I give her a smile and nod in a way that says “thanks.” It may have come off more like “You have something I crave.” I stop smiling that day.

Meal #5: My first free meal. I decide to get the barbacoa. Eating something new was such a relief. The barbacoa tastes mostly like pot roast though; it wasn’t seasoned very aggressively.

A child keeps running around the store while his mother tries to order for him. He will not pay attention as his mother asks what he wants. I add him to my enemies list.

Meal #6: Back to the Carnitas bowl. I think the employees are starting to recognize me. I’ve picked up on the most efficient ways to order. It seems like that’s appreciated.

Meal #7: At this point I pretty much hate the food at Chipotle, but I can get two meals out of seven dollars so I keep going. I decide to mix things up and get steak. I now regret doing that.

When I got this bowl, the man in line in front of me ordered a quesadilla. I didn’t even see quesadillas on the menu. They can’t use that tortilla warming device for anyone else while this is happening. I add him to my enemies list.

Meal #8: AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Meal #9: My second free entree. I learned that the free entree can effectively be anything so I go for double barbacoa and guac on top of my regular bowl ingredients. It is far too much food, but for the first time in a long time I feel a sense of accomplishment. This bowl would have cost twice as much as my usual order.

Someone in line behind me was asked if they wanted black or pinto beans. They asked which beans were the black beans. I put them on the list.

Napkins

At least I never have to buy napkins ever again.

Meal #10: I discover that I could have been getting chorizo this whole time. All is right with the world.

Meal #11: My last meal of July.

I think it was Nietzsche that said “He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.” Chipotle has taken away most of my humanity. I go through the line like a robot and order a chorizo bowl.

This chorizo might bring me back. God bless you chorizo. Wait, maybe the chorizo is god? I must consume it so that I might become god.

Meal #12: It’s now August. I have another free entree so I go back to the double barbacoa and guac bowl; tortilla on the side. I’ve been making my own burrito with the side tortilla and then eating the rest of the bowl later. I’m pretty much on a Chipotle diet at this point because I typically eat once a day so that bowl is tomorrows dinner.

I held the door open for a family of five. I did this against my better judgement. Fortunately the mother didn’t give her three kids any choice in what they were getting. I wanted to kiss her. She knew my struggle.

Meal #13: Yesterday I got another chorizo bowl. The woman making my burrito was incredibly upbeat. The chorizo has given me it’s power and now I am in complete control of this restaurant. That is the only explanation for this turnaround. I can feel it’s power filling my heart.

I will use this power for good. That means demanding answers from all of the horrible people on my list. They must answer for disrespecting a god.

Remember to like and share everything you see so that I don’t use my new sausage powers on your mom. Like the Facebook page and follow us on twitter. There’s e-mail too, but I honestly just don’t care to link it today. Literally anything will get through as long as you add @boozeandothernonsense.com to it. Here’s the beer review.


Leinenkugel Summer Shandy

I drank this in an enchanted forest for peak flavor.

Appearance: Very cloudy with a golden color and decently thick, white head. Fairly bubbly and the head dies down fairly quickly.

Smell: Lemons. Pretty much nothing but sweetness and lemons. It is overpowering.

Taste: It feels shockingly nice on the tongue. The body is on the line between medium and thin and it’s fairly crisp. This all lends for a nice effect on a hot, sunny day.

The actual taste, however, is far too sweet to even begin to try to find any other flavor. It’s just lemons and far too much sugar. It almost hurts my teeth.

Overall: There’s really not a lot going on here, but I can understand why someone would drink a few of these out of a bucket of ice on a nice day. If you have a tolerance for sweet things this would be a dream. I can only give it a 55/100. It should actually be much lower, but the mouthfeel was nice and it didn’t look terrible.

Up Next: Something cheap from the gas station.

Folgers

04 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by jayofnewark in Story Time

≈ Leave a comment

The light of Sunday morning, divided into a dozen slits of pain by blinds, hits his noggin. Last night at Skully’s was a rager: he feels this in his head, coming to on his floor. Chunks of food lead from his open, drool-crusted mouth, out the door, into the hallway, and, probably, to the toilet. Bulletproof, his cat, is licking hungrily at partially digested White Castle meat at the edge of his mattress.

Water. That’s what he needs right now. Slowly, he rises from his resting spot, stumbles to his feet, and falls flat on his face. No good to walk, he’s that hungover. So, he slides, inch by inch and careful to avoid vomit, from his bedroom floor, through the door, past his roommate’s girlfriend eating a bowl of Apple Jacks in the kitchen, and, using the little power in his arms, lifts his body up to the counter’s level. With both hands closed together, forming a fleshy makeshift cup, he laps, like a kitty, water from the faucet. Tierra, the girlfriend, watches.

“Whoa man,” he says, driblets of water and saliva cruising over his chin, down his chest, “Had a friggin’ rager at Skully’s last night.”

“I know,” Tierra, bitterly, “I woke up with Slider meat on my feet.”

He reaches into the cupboard for the Folgers tin.

“Where’s the Folgers, babe?”

“We’re out, and don’t call me babe.”

“Whoa, like, we’re out?”

“No Tommy. Not only ‘we,’ but there is no more coffee in the world. All of the world’s coffee is out, gone.”

“Get out.”

“Yes, we’re out.”

“Ah, well, like, that’s outrageous.”

“Go buy some more?”

“I thought you said the- oh, yeah, you were yankin’ me bro, okay, I’ll go buy more.”

And so, our man runs for the ja, stopping once to puke in an alley behind Fifth-Third Bank. On the corner of High and 10th, there is a GrabNGo Fuel Station. He dips inside, and looks for the grocery aisle. Ah, here it is! Folgers, bro. He grips one tin of the Black Silk blend and moves for the check-out line.

Today, Steven is working the register. Steven here is a Level 99 Dark Knight in Final Fantasy XI. He lives on his own, works full-time, here, at the GrabNGo. Unfortunately, Steven’s day is not today, because behind our dude, a feller walks in all conspicuous-like, wearing a Michelle Obama mask and keeping his right hand in his pants. Michelle, behind our protagonist, screams, “Stop what you are fucking doing. Give me all the money in the fucking register.

“Like, whoa man, you didn’t have the best part of your morning, did ya bro?” asks our Protagonist.

“ … And the fuck is that?”

The criminal, turning back to the cashier.

“Fuckin’ whoa, no pennies, Shaggy”

“Folgers, bro, in your cup. Every day holds, like, new possibilities. Look in the Good Stuff aisle bro, you’ll see.”

“But I don’t have a fuckin’ Keurig!”

“Ah, no bro, it’s cool, look, you can buy the classic grounds, or, pick up a thing of Instant Coffee Crystal Powder.”

“Fuckin’ Wowza.”

“Aye, bro, I know. And, like, get this?”

“Yeah, fucker?”

“They sponsor Team USA in the Olympics.”

“Fuck bro.”

“Yeah bro.”

Indian’s Mound, Ohio

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by jayofnewark in Story Time

≈ Leave a comment

We have a saying, where I am from:

If you ever see a stray

black

cat

cross the road on a Friday the 13 th ,

you’ve seen a stray

black

cat

make it farther in life than any person from Indian’s Mound, Ohio.

Beer Review #82: Miller High Life

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review, Lists

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

AIDS, Bugs, Chipotle, High Life, Kazaam, Lists, mail, Miller, Spiders, Trump

August Reader Mail

What do you think of Donald Trump? – Steve from D.C.

He’s a demagogue that’s giving a voice to bigots. He want’s to pull out of our strategic alliances and use our nuclear arsenal as a first strike option; undoing several decades worth of work that’s kept the world more safe. He lacks any real substance or experience so he makes up for it by acting like a clown and attacking his opponents with personal insults. He can barely run his campaign and he’d have more money today if he’d just invested all that money his dad gave him into an unmanaged index fund.

All that being said, he’s provided me hours upon hours of entertainment so what’s not to like? Sure, I’m interacting with way more openly racist people than I was a year ago, but that’s a small price to pay for this orange carnival barker’s three ring circus.

What the hell is going on with these reviews? Did you just buy a bunch of shitty beer at a gas station? Are you going to review anything good? – Dave from Mississippi

I’ll answer all three questions in order: I’m punishing myself, yes, I hope so.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had some good lists. Got any in you? – Anonymous

We’re well into Anal August so let’s do the 2016 Summer Lists:

Presidential Candidates Spouses by Hotness

5- Bill Clinton
4- Kelley Paul
3- Karen Kasich
2- Jeanette Rubio
1- Melania Trump

Bugs

5- Butterfly
4- Spider
3- Mantis
2- Bee
1- Firefly

Non-Chicken Eggs

5- Spider
4- Human
3- Goose
2- Sturgeon
1- Duck

Chipotle Proteins

5- Steak
4- Chicken
3- Sofritas
2- Barbacoa
1- Carnitas

Things To Yell Right Before Orgasm

5- “Bazinga!”
4- “Team Rocket’s Blasting Off Again!”
3- “Who’s Your Grandpa?!”
2- “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT MY FACE!”
1- “Feel the Bern!”

People ask you for dating advice all the time, how’s your love life going? – [REDACTED] from [REDACTED]

Mom, you’ve already got a couple grand kids. If this is tied into how your will pays out then I might go hose some women down, but until then I’m using my horrible personality and awful face as my primary form of birth control.

If you’re actually just interested, I’ve had one decently long relationship this year. She and I had a lot in common: fear of someone driving a steamroller over you and your skeleton popping out of your mouth, gin, that feeling you get when you look to the west, children experiencing disappointment publicly, bawdy limericks, and seeing her naked.

It all ended the same way it began: The 1996 Shaquille O’Neal film ‘Kazaam’.


Well that was as awful as usual. Remember to add us on Facebook and Twitter if you want to bother someone. I promise to not insult you if you’re the right race.

Yep, that's it alright.

Yep, that’s it alright.

Appearance: Energetic and crystal clear. A decent white head builds up, but only leaves a thin floating island of foam floating in the top of my glass. It’s has the unnatural almost neon yellow color of most American light beer. Fairly large bubbles fill up the sides of the glass.

Smell: A poorly insulated attic a day after light rain. Burnt hair.

Taste: A pretty decent medium-bodied beer with a fair bit of astringency. The flavor is flat and one-note: just charred malt. There’s absolutely nothing else.

Overall: This was significantly worse than I assumed it would be. At least the other terrible light beers had a bit of flavor and didn’t smell so bad. This looked fine enough, but I like a girl with personality. 31/100.

Up Next: Something bad!

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