July Reader Mail

Do you think Sanders still has a shot at the Democratic nomination? – Lyle, Huber Heights

I seriously need to answer these e-mails in a more timely fashion.

How old is too old to be getting into fist fights? – Anonymous

I think this all really depends on context. If you’re on the beach building a sandcastle for your best gal and some street tough kicks it over and takes your girl then you’re morally obligated to spend months working out so that you can challenge him to a fight and win back your woman because for some reason in these scenarios women are property.

Stop getting in fights. It’s dumb. Have a couple drinks and talk it out. Then poison the other guy.

How do you feel about Hamilton? – John, for Cincinnati.

Anyone that doesn’t like it is a racist or descendant of Aaron Burr.

Ur gay – [expletive deleted], from [expletive deleted]

no u.

I’m starting college this fall and I’m really nervous about it. Any tips? – Harrison, from Dayton

If you’re living in dorms make sure to befriend the RA. They’ll be less likely to fuck with you. Also try to identify all the cool people on your floor and try to hang out with them. Join a couple clubs and hang out with those people too. Just be as social as you can because you’re gonna have less time for it in later years.

Don’t take too many classes and don’t take any of your classes too seriously. Remember that the world isn’t over if you fail a test. Go to a professor’s office hours twice and they will remember you for some time after the class is over. Every week, try to ask at least two questions in your various classes.

Watch what you eat and don’t party too hard too early. Learn the rules to beer pong. Ease into it. Play safe. Have fun.

As always, check out the Facebook and Twitter pages and share them with your friends of I swear to god I will pull this car over.

Ughhhh

Appearance: This is the most carbonated beer I’ve ever seen. Giant bubbles for a seemingly never ending stream of carbon dioxide pushing up towards the surface. A enormous, pure-white head is born from this and it keeps for much longer than you’d expect for this sort of beer. It has that unfortunate urine-of-a-dehydrated-person yellow that is the standard for an American pale lager, but if that’s the ideal I suppose it’s fine.

Smell: Moldy breakfast cereal. This is why we don’t buy beer in clear or green bottles. The aroma is totally one note and it’s a pretty sour one at that.

Taste: Unpleasant. The body is weak and watery; something that does a great disservice to those gorgeous bubbles. A little thicker and this could be a perfectly crisp beer, a standard by which others could measure themselves.

It tastes like the smell of a book you accidentally spilled water on and now you’ve taken to airing it out with a hair dryer. Fortunately there’s no aftertaste and the body is thin enough to keep it from lingering on the tongue. This is one of the most boring tasting beers I’ve ever had. It has flavor, but that flavor is solely that of weak malt covered up by decay.

Overall: I’m still mesmerized by the bubbles. They may get a bit weaker as time goes on, but even then it seems more active than half of the other beers out there. If this was a beauty contest, this beer would win the pale lager category. Unfortunately, beer is for drinking and I never want to drink this again. 36/100

Up Next: Expect a bunch of terrible beers from the nearby gas station!