“If people vaccinated their kids, there wouldn’t be a measles outbreak.”

“People shouldn’t drink alcohol until they’re 21. Giving booze to a kid would be abuse!”

“Homeopathy doesn’t work! And there’s no evidence that getting your kid drunk will cure their diseases!”

“You’re an idiot for thinking vaccines cause autism. Your kids are all dumb and you didn’t vaccinate them, how do you explain that?!”

Do these italicized remarks sound familiar to you? If so, you might just be part of the cool small group of people who actually know what’s going on in the world. Congratulations. Most mortals will never figure out that all of society is out to get them; that so-called “do-gooders” lurk around every corner, waiting to harm their children while joyously screaming, “It’s for your own good!”. Luckily you and your children will be safe and sound, thanks to you and your magical reasoning powers. It takes someone brave, someone with an unbelievable mind, to stand in the face of a mountain of evidence and say, “NO. I know the truth.” It takes someone like you, and someone like me, to say no to vaccines.

Now that we’re on this journey together, I thought we could discuss some actual, proven, beneficial ways to treat your child’s illness.

Whiskey:

Treats most ailments. The active ingredient is called “ethanol”, which sounds like a chemical, but it’s old, so it isn’t a chemical. It’s a natural product, so naturally, it works. My child had the flu so I gave her one shot of whiskey every eight hours until her symptoms improved. After three days, her treatment was complete as she only had a mild headache. Whiskey effectively cured my daughter of influenza. Can pharmaceutical companies do that? No.

Big pharmaceutical companies would tell me I should have gotten the flu vaccine for my child, but flu vaccines don’t work and make kids autistic. My method cures the flu, but of course pharmaceutical companies would never recognize that because they just want to make money.

Chanting (yelling, singing, or impersonating Will Ferrell will also work):

This method is not as effective as whiskey, but is powerful in that there are no chemicals involved. There is only air and sound, which contain no chemicals and no toxins. If your child is sensitive to chemicals, even ancient ones like those found in whiskey, chanting or chanting substitutions should be used. My child had food poisoning once and after twelve hours of chanting, she felt much better.

The CDC would say that I should cook my food longer to prevent food poisoning, but that’s because they’re in cahoots with big electric companies that want me to keep my stove on longer. Chanting cures food poisoning. Cooking food longer causes autism, and you could die of dysentery if you eat overcooked food.

Hair of old man:

Though it may be difficult to find, hair of old man is one of the most effective ways of treating illness. Because an old man has lived to an old age, his hair contains health-promoting properties. Simply put the hair in a locket and place the locket on your child. For stronger treatment, more hair and more time wearing the locket will suffice. If you have trouble getting hair from an old man, you may find it easier to make a request on craigslist personals (see also: Trolling Craigslist).

It’s simple: natural methods simply make more sense than using vaccines or medicines made by the government. Natural methods are non-profit, unlike the government, which will try to get our hard-earned money at any cost. The three methods I shared with you today are only the most common and effective means of treating illness. For hundreds of other ways to treat illness, either send me an email or subscribe to our weekly newsletter, “Smart Choice Alternative Medicine”–S.C.A.M. for short. The newsletter is only $5 a week, or $300 for our year long bonus offer!

And remember, DO NOT use beer to treat illness. Beer contains carbon dioxide, which is a known toxin. It also does not contain enough ethanol to effectively treat a child. If whiskey can’t be found, other spirits high in alcohol can be used.