December Reader Mail
I told you this site was a waste of time and that no one cared about it. – Gloria from Yellow Springs
First, that’s not a question. Second, this is why we’re putting you into the rest home, mom.
What do you make of all the police violence on Black people this year? – Anonymous
I’m not aware of anything happening. Did Sting try to rape Bill Cosby or something? That can’t be right, but if there’s video or something I need you to send it over immediately. This has nothing to do with my new weird fetish.
What’s your new, weird fetish? – Mark from Butte
Interior: It’s Christmas morning and two kids barrel down the stairs to see what treats Santa has left for them. When they get to the tree they find themselves bewildered by the lack of any gifts. They notice a soft crying coming from the kitchen.
The kids move to the kitchen and find their mom, a single woman that works two jobs, going over financial documents and trying to work out the numbers. Her mascara is running and the nearby ashtray is near full.
Help support my crowdfunding campaign to get this, and more, on video.
You seem like a reasonably funny guy, but your beer reviews are shit. Why even bother with them when you could just do the comedy? – Lauren from NYC
I need to justify my drinking somehow.
Also, just because I’m a premature ejaculator doesn’t mean you need to send me pissy e-mails Lauren. We had a one time thing and I had already warned you that when I’m done, we’re done.
I buy a lot of stuff at thrift stores and my family is mad at me for giving out what they’re calling “cheap” Christmas presents. Shouldn’t they just be happy I was thinking of them and didn’t just get them all gift cards to the Outback Steakhouse? – John from Boston
I suppose it really comes down to what you got them. Found an awesome vintage sports jersey? Sweet. Got your grandma some used towels and an artisanal hand-crank vibrator? Still sweet. Got your brother a book of nifty sex positions? Why not.
Just take the price tags off of everything. That’s your mistake. And if you do get gift cards for someone be sure to lie about how much is on it.
Appearance: Like drying sap or a hardwood floor with a dark stain. It feels natural, like this is something that the universe needed to exist. The head reduces to a thin film that’s the color of a new smoker’s teeth and it laces just wonderfully down the glass. Tiny, unexcited bubbles occasionally seem to rise out of nowhere, surrounded by the thick haze of this gorgeous beer.
Smell: Toasted nuts come out swinging hard. I can almost taste that salty mess that they keep stocked at most bars. I can also smell biscuits that are ready to come out of the oven, burnt coffee, and toffee.
Taste: The dark roasted malt and those toasted nuts are very present. Subtle bitterness stays on the tongue throughout, going solo as the only aftertaste you get out of this beer. A bit of coffee comes through, along with some chocolaty sweetness and just enough hops.
It has a creamy texture, but still stays refreshingly crisp for a beer this heavy.
Overall: I’m not usually one to go for Black Lagers, but this is how it should be done; 83/100. This would be great if you were out camping, telling jokes around a strong fire with good friends and clear, star-filled skies.
Up Next: Blue Moon