“I just don’t understand why he doesn’t like me,” sighed Mary Magdelene. “We have so much in common, and I’m pretty damn godly as far as humans go…”
“Who, Jesus?”, asked the other Mary. “Trust me, Maggie, it’s not you.”
“What do you mean? Of course it’s me. There’s nothing wrong with Jesus–he has no faults, so it has to be my fault.”
“That’s not what I meant. I don’t think he’s into the fairer sex if you know what I mean. You’ve seen him and his dad… it’s fucking weird. And him and Peter? Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”
“Now that you mention it… maybe. The disciples are unusually glamorous.”
Meanwhile, in the far from luscious desert landscape, Peter and Jesus sat under a tree, looking fine as hell.
“So, what about that John, eh Jesus?”
“Uh… erm… John? What?” stammered Jesus, who was suddenly overwhelmed by embarrassment.
“Haha! I knew it!” said Peter. “You should go for it. I think he’s feeling the same way. I saw you two splashing around in the Jordan.” Peter flashed an irresistible wink.
“That was a baptism,” hissed Jesus.
Peter rolled his magnificently sparkling chocolate eyes. “Oh, but it was much more than that, wasn’t it?” he said with a smirk that had lusciousness the desert had never known.
“I thought I was the only one who felt it. Besides, I can’t do it,” said Jesus. “You know I love you, Peter. I would never betray you.”
“Well, I would betray you if it came down to it, and honestly, I want this for you. You’ve always accepted that I have a girlfriend, and I would accept it too if you went out with John. I’m going to love you no matter what–even if you get nailed by John, or even by Romans.”
“Oh, Peter!” said Jesus, falling into Peter’s strong arms. At this moment, the least sinful of lusts took over them underneath the fig tree, and during this time, many Samaritans cheered them on. Samaritans. Those sluts.
Later, in the dusty and romantic sunset of the desert, Jesus knocked on John’s door tentatively.
“Oh, hello, Jesus. What are you doing around here? I thought you usually told off the idiots of town with elaborate parables at this time of night,” said John, smoothly and casually. John had already taken off his robe and slipped into something more comfortable for the night, which was both exhilarating and terrifying for Jesus, who was planning on asking John to platonic coffee to test the waters.
“I, um.. I was going to ask you… coffee? Or something…” stammered Jesus. Jesus was always stammering. It was kind of annoying, but his hair made up for it.
“I know what you’re going to say. Come inside, Jesus.”
And from the window of John’s humble shack, Mary wept.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Will Mary ever find true love? Will John and Jesus’s night together lead to something more? Will Jesus die and then come back to life three days later as a straight man, breaking the hearts of John and Peter, and fall madly in love with Mary, but too late? Find out in our next book, The Betrayal, for just $7.99, or for much, much, more at your nearest Barnes and Noble bookstore.
Booze and Other Nonsense 