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Booze and Other Nonsense

~ Musings of a psychopathic alcoholic, raconteurs, film buff, and more!

Booze and Other Nonsense

Monthly Archives: July 2014

Love in the Desert

28 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by Ms. Ann Thrope in Story Time

≈ Leave a comment

“I just don’t understand why he doesn’t like me,” sighed Mary Magdelene. “We have so much in common, and I’m pretty damn godly as far as humans go…”

“Who, Jesus?”, asked the other Mary. “Trust me, Maggie, it’s not you.”

“What do you mean? Of course it’s me. There’s nothing wrong with Jesus–he has no faults, so it has to be my fault.”

“That’s not what I meant. I don’t think he’s into the fairer sex if you know what I mean. You’ve seen him and his dad… it’s fucking weird. And him and Peter? Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

“Now that you mention it… maybe. The disciples are unusually glamorous.”

Meanwhile, in the far from luscious desert landscape, Peter and Jesus sat under a tree, looking fine as hell.

“So, what about that John, eh Jesus?”

“Uh… erm… John? What?” stammered Jesus, who was suddenly overwhelmed by embarrassment.

“Haha! I knew it!” said Peter. “You should go for it. I think he’s feeling the same way. I saw you two splashing around in the Jordan.” Peter flashed an irresistible wink.

“That was a baptism,” hissed Jesus.

Peter rolled his magnificently sparkling chocolate eyes. “Oh, but it was much more than that, wasn’t it?” he said with a smirk that had lusciousness the desert had never known.

“I thought I was the only one who felt it. Besides, I can’t do it,” said Jesus. “You know I love you, Peter. I would never betray you.”

“Well, I would betray you if it came down to it, and honestly, I want this for you. You’ve always accepted that I have a girlfriend, and I would accept it too if you went out with John. I’m going to love you no matter what–even if you get nailed by John, or even by Romans.”

“Oh, Peter!” said Jesus, falling into Peter’s strong arms. At this moment, the least sinful of lusts took over them underneath the fig tree, and during this time, many Samaritans cheered them on. Samaritans. Those sluts.

Later, in the dusty and romantic sunset of the desert, Jesus knocked on John’s door tentatively.

“Oh, hello, Jesus. What are you doing around here? I thought you usually told off the idiots of town with elaborate parables at this time of night,” said John, smoothly and casually. John had already taken off his robe and slipped into something more comfortable for the night, which was both exhilarating and terrifying for Jesus, who was planning on asking John to platonic coffee to test the waters.

“I, um.. I was going to ask you… coffee? Or something…” stammered Jesus. Jesus was always stammering. It was kind of annoying, but his hair made up for it.

“I know what you’re going to say. Come inside, Jesus.”

And from the window of John’s humble shack, Mary wept.


TO BE CONTINUED…


 

Will Mary ever find true love? Will John and Jesus’s night together lead to something more? Will Jesus die and then come back to life three days later as a straight man, breaking the hearts of John and Peter, and fall madly in love with Mary, but too late? Find out in our next book, The Betrayal, for just $7.99, or for much, much, more at your nearest Barnes and Noble bookstore.

Beer Review #69: Stone Espresso Imperial Russian Stout

08 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by Vodka Barf in Beer Review

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Espresso, mail, Russian Imperial Stout, Stone

July Reader Mail

Who’s the most famous person that you’ve ever met? – Clark from Ohio

The cat puppet from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Not the puppeteer, just the puppet.

I’m having a lot of trouble getting girls to go home with me. Any good closing lines? – Steve from New York

No. You shouldn’t be using any lines. Tell them that it’s time to go back to your place or else.

My boyfriend won’t have sex with me when I’m having my period. Thoughts? – Jill from “I’m not telling you where I live”

You’re having too many periods. Stop it.

Like always, check out Facebook and Twitter for extra content and feel free to send an e-mail if you want to ask a question for next month’s mail dump. Here’s the review. Don’t drink stouts on hot Summer days.

Stone Espresso Imperial Russian Stout

Stone Espresso Imperial Russian Stout

Appearance: This is easily the darkest, most opaque beer that I’ve ever encountered. I put a flashlight behind it and not a single photon made it through this slick, oily stout. The head is a deep brown reminiscent of a sandy beach on the eastern U.S. coast. That head is thick and unforgiving. This beer looks like it wants to hurt you.

Smell: Lots and lots of coffee; like working the line at Waffle House when the only customers are edgy teens that won’t order food. A good vapor of alcohol fills the air as soon as the beer begins to pour. Sweetness.

Taste: This is a thick beer. You could chew it if you really wanted to. There’s a surprisingly high level of carbonation too.

It tastes of bitter dark roasted coffee, sweet malt, and finishes with a grating alcohol taste that really forces its way around your mouth. It’s certainly sweeter than I’d expect a Stone product to be and the taste really sticks with you for quite some time.

Overall: I just noticed that this beer is 11%. I am feeling each and every part of that. This is a beer for a man that has no obligations the next day. This is a beer that you’d drink if you wanted the world to know that you don’t give a fuck. I love stouts, they are my lifeblood, but, while this looks great, I can’t forgive that offensive alcohol presence that invades this experience. 81/100.

Up Next: Sierra Nevada Narwhal Imperial Stout

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