In trying to branch out and stop wasting my time writing beer reviews that are only read by my mom, I’ve started working on some pitches for TV shows. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Manhunt: A real life version of “The Most Dangerous Game“, but with rubber bullets.
Ghost Prostitute: Gloria Horowitz runs a brothel in Tel Aviv. On one fateful night, she’s out of girls and one of her biggest clients is in town. She decided that she’ll take one for the team and do one last job herself.
Mid-coitus, her partner, who weighs 347 pounds, has a heart attack and dies; collapsing on top of her and cutting off her air supply. Because she’s a strict hasidic Jew, she can only have sex through a hole in a sheet. She dies in this sheet, and per ghost rules, roams the world wearing the last thing she was wearing. High jinks ensue as she tries desperately to make it in a world full of smarmy, 21st century ghosts as a stereotypical ghost in a sheet.
The Shot of a Lifetime: This is a reality show where six people in dire straights compete to win a million dollars. The catch? They have to play Russian Roulette on live television. We do everything in our power to find the people with the saddest stories so that America feels a deep connection to the eventual victim, who wins nothing. Only people that pull the trigger and win get cash.
LadyCop: Mark Ladycop is a seasonal worker at Honey Baked Ham, but his real dream is to be a beat cop in the NYPD. One day, while operating the slicer, he slips and receives a deep cut. Because he has a rare blood type, there is only one possible blood donor in the surrounding area: a woman that works as chief technician at the nuclear power plant. Transfused with her radioactive blood, once a month Mark LadyCop undergoes a transformation; growing a sweet pair of tits and legs that go on forever.
As a woman, Mark is able to finally join the police force due to quotas for minority hiring. He catches the attention of an other female officer and uses what he learns as a woman to woo her as a man. Unfortunately, Mark’s time as a woman also syncs up with his period and he is forced to spend most of his transformation with terrible cramps. Most of the show is about him learning how tampons work. Can a ham man makes it as lady justice? Find out this Fall on Fox!
A new month is soon upon us. If you want a question answered in the monthly reader e-mail segment just shoot a message to IgnoreThis@boozeandothernonsense.com, or literally anything that ends with “@boozeandothernonsense.com”. Also there’s Facebook and Twitter for fun updates and lazy comedy bits. Here’s a beer review.
Appearance: Deep, clear amber; I you found a mosquito trapped in this you could re-build Jurassic park. The head is a good half-inch of thick, off-white craters. Carbonation is beyond energetic at first, but then slows to something reasonable. As I drink, the lacing is doing a gorgeous dance down the side of my glass.
Smell: Huge amounts of fruit. Apricot, plum, nectarine, mango, grapefruit, peach. Fresh hops and wild flowers. It’s like walking through a farmer’s market.
Taste: All of those great smells come through spectacularly. The body is on the weak side of medium and the carbonation keeps things fresh. All that sweet fruit is well tempered by a striking aftertaste of hops and a dewy lawn that’s being blasted by the noon sun. The aftertaste will stick with you for a while.
Overall: Holy hell this was a treat. 94/100. I tend to talk down my higher reviews, but this was beyond criticism. Find it, buy it. It was an honor to be in the same room as this beer, let alone trickling it into my stomach. My liver may finally forgive me.
Up Next: Miller Fortune