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Apparently you need a reservation to get into a Chuck E. Cheese. The crew and I just wanted some top-tier pizza and to throw on a good drunk while catching our favorite band. Here’s the e-mail I wrote to the Chuck to get a reservation.

Dear Sirs,

I’m inquiring about booking a party for my son Jeremy. Jeremy is a sweet, sweet boy that’s had an unnatural fascination with your anthropomorphic mouse for as long as I can remember. As such, I thought a very special treat for him would be a visit to one of your establishments later this month. I have several questions.

First, Jeremy is a severely handicapped soon to be 25-year-old boy. As such, it will be him, my wife, a few of the residents from his group home, and myself attending. None of us are actual children. Is that a problem?

Second, Jeremy can be a very creepy boy when he sees your eponymous mouse. After commercial he sits, tranced, with a crooked smile as saliva builds in his mouth until he utters a low, chilling “Chuck Eeeeeeeeee”. Can we be assured that this won’t keep the staff from performing?

Third, how much weight can your toilets support?

Finally, do you serve alcohol? I will need it.

Thank you for your time. I know that this sounds insane, but this is a very serious inquiry from a loving father that appreciates levity and has too little patience.

On to the boooooooze!


Appearance: Painfully clear and piss-poor yellow; like that of the urine of a dehydrated man. The head comes on strong, a nice off-white that foams up big, but it mutates into a thin, weak ring. There is almost no activity from carbonation. A troubling sign for me.

Smell: The aroma really jumps out of the bottle as soon as you start to pour. Lots of big grain smells. There’s something sweet that’s hard to place that I’ll assume is agave. With my nose really deep in the glass it smells like sweet Heineken. Don’t know if that’s helpful, but there you go.

Taste/Mouthfeel: Thin and crisp in the mouth, in a very enjoyable sort of way. It’s not as sweet as I had expected, but it is sweeter than most other ale. Some of the wheat comes through and possibly a bit of caramel. I’m getting nothing by way of hops and there is hardly an aftertaste.

Overall: The agave makes for an interesting flavor that suits beer better than that horrible watermelon abortion, but I still don’t care for the gimmick. All of the flavors are so sweet and with no contrast they are a bit overwhelming. I suppose this could be nice on a hot day, out in the sun, but this is not something anyone should ever consider drinking even semi-regularly. 61/100

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