Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Hi folks. See, I’m trying to be regular again. I’m eating yogurt, exercising, drinking water, and writing synopses of the (mostly) crap movies I watch more often than I have over the last 10 months. I am hoping this will be the one stop shop for reviews and synopses of the Air Bud cinematic universe for years to come.

Welcome back to Fernfield, where anything is possible. Well maybe not anything…but there certainly seems to be a higher chance of absurd things happening in this city than in others.

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This kid has skills

Josh is back in action with his dog. However, this movie didn’t go to theaters so there appears to be a decrease in production value. The movie just feels older than the first movie and takes on a darker color pallet. Reminder, this is also a new Air Bud actor so it is possible that the dog had a new creative vision for his role.

Unlike Air Bud: Ball is Life, this film takes a BOLD direction with camera angles. They take every opportunity to perform goofy shots and dutch angles despite this being a feel good movie. This isn’t even mentioning the use of the pan-zoom to weird effect. I don’t know why, but they are trying to make me feel like this is a creepy movie while a poor man’s mission impossible theme plays in the background.

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Seriously goofy camera shit.

Anyway, the family goes to an actual adult basketball game. Air Bud snuck? Sneaked? into the car, and then broke out so he could watch the game. However, of course he ends up on the court chasing the ball around. However, he bests these adults at basketball instead of children. Is Air Bud the greatest athlete in America? We may find out by the end of the 5 Air Bud movies (the other 9 movies are not focused on Air Bud). They do more stupid and dumb angles, the refs are befuddled, its a whole to-do.

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They are having the image do a warm thing while the text overlay is untouched…

The kid’s dweeby bowl cut friend from the first movie states something creepy. The best thing about 8th grade is that the girls have turned into women. JESUS CHRIST DUDE, who was that horny in 8th grade? He also is planning to try out for football to get chicks, so that is how we get into football. Specifically he wants to woo one girl in particular. Will he do it? You’ll have to read to find out.

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The kid on the left is the friend, the one on the right is Larry (this is from Air Bud)

Russian circus time, these are the villains in this movie. Ah, I miss 1998, when Russians were bad guys. Anyway, the existence of their circus necessitates other skilled animals. Also according to news reports these animals were all stolen.

The mom starts dating again (remember, the father died before Air Bud and his soul is now trapped within the dog). This new guy is a real charmer and has the mom legitimately conflicted. They shoot this scene as though she is talking to a long time friend about her relationship issues, but nope its the dog she is explaining this to. Her dead husband dog, think about it.

The mom starts dating the veterinarian from earlier. The two of them are going out on a date and he brings over a football, mentioning that football is the way to a woman’s heart. Yes, we are this far into the movie and we haven’t really done a lot of footballing. Josh isn’t a big fan of the handegg and leaves it in the garage, of course Air Bud (remember he was only tortured to play basketball) golden retrieves the football because of course.

The Russians take an ice cream truck to try and find the dog. I would recommend never trusting anyone with a goofy vehicle with something on the roof, this is clearly an homage to OG Air Bud.

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Josh and his goofy friend are playing catch with the football, air bud is just running around like a dog. Then Josh throws the ball like a champ, and it somehow hits our Russians and knocks them both down a hill into the lake because magic.

Josh sees his mother and the new guy being close, and Josh decides to try out for football so he doesn’t have to see them? Or because he wants attention from his mother. GROW UP JOSH

A mandatory montage is provided which depicts how bad all the kids are at everything they do. But somehow a dog is going to fix this team’s problems?

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They accidentally pile on top of each other…

Josh and his dweeb friend stop by the vet/mom’s boo. He is still eating the damned pudding cup because nobody here is normal. They convince him to take Air Bud to get an X-Ray so they can snoop on the vet. This is an expensive procedure, even for a dog, I think… Do they have dog insurance? Is the vet doing this as a favor?

Josh actually has a cannon for an arm, and by that I mean every shot of him throwing the ball it is clearly shot out of a cannon. Air Bud catches the ball because he has jaws of steel, and he is an ideal receiver due to his mastery of keepaway. Earlier in this movie Air Bud bested grown men, I don’t imagine middle schoolers will be hard.

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Every time Josh throws the ball

Now comes the pressure. The school board is not a fan of the lack of success of their middle school football program, and are letting the coach go if they don’t have a winning season. Meanwhile the locker room itself is small and the kids are weird. The starting QB is doing curls while a lineman is repeatedly slamming his forehead against his locker. Why? Because he wants to get the CTE started early.

Josh is the backup QB, so he is just chilling on the bench, but the star QB goes down with an injury. Cut to the Russians chasing after Air Bud while in the ice cream truck, while kids are chasing after the ice cream truck. It’s a dog eat dog world. The dog somehow finds the football field.

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Seriously this kid is banging his head against the locker

Josh doesn’t know how to quarterback, but at least he can throw the ball. Its essentially the plot to Longshot on Madden 18. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THE GOOFY CAMERA ANGLES ARE BACK!

Anyway, air bud catches a pass and everyone loses their shit as though they didn’t know this dog has bested kids at sports before. He scores a touchdown. There wasn’t any sort of debate over whether that was legal despite him not being a registered player on the team. He just came out of the stands and caught the pass. It’s the definition of cheating. But whatever, I guess. Josh says that dogs can’t play football, because its different than basketball. But fuck the rules. Air bud is the new wide receptor.

The coach is okay with it, because fuck everything. I can guarantee that every sports association in the country changed their rules after the first movie to disallow dogs from playing sports, but maybe they didn’t think a dog could ever play football.

They have a band, seriously what middle school has a marching band, and instead choose to have somehow shout the national anthem at the top of their lungs. This literally makes fun of the national anthem, or at least it being sung at sporting events. Personally I am of the opinion that we play the national anthem far too often, middle school athletics doesn’t need it. However, in this movie they intend to have a lady shout the national anthem poorly, and everyone grimaces. Think of how the veterans felt, watching them disgrace the national anthem like that. Its far worse than anything the current NFL players are doing, yet I didn’t see a temper tantrum thrown 20 years ago about this. Maybe it’s because she is white, I don’t know, it’s just a guess.

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This is her shouting face

Anyway, back to this movie. It is gameday, the other team does not seem to care that a football playing dog is on the field. Instead, it’s a joke to them. Which it should be, but also not something that should be allowed. The dog scores a touchdown on the first play, nothing matters anymore. No one can stop this dog despite having a few feet height advantage on it. The team doesn’t have a defense though and are somehow losing despite being unable to stop Air Bud.

The team fumbles it, but air bud then strips the ball from the other player and runs almost all the way down the field before everyone dog piles on the dog killing it. PSYCH! They don’t jump on the dog and they miss, but the ref waited for dramatic effect to call the touchdown as Air Bud celebrated in the end zone. Also, there are too many people from the green team on the field, but the rules of football are arbitrary and up to interpretation CLEARLY.

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This shows at least 9 visible (more should be in the pile) and there are more just walking around

This movie has a lot more sportsplaying, so it has that going for it. But still, why is no one arguing about a dog playing in these games? Like, no kid is able to stop this dog. If this dog ever gets tackled its dead.

The vet proposes to Josh’s mom, in response Josh Can’t Even and runs away. Meanwhile the Russians kidnap Air Bud. I truly think 30% of these movies are just people trying to kidnap Air Bud. The coach happens to run into the kid, and convinces him to not run away to San Francisco to play basketball. Yes, he is eating during this scene.

So now it’s the state finals in football and they are going up against, what appears to be, the prison guard team from The Longest Yard. Worse yet, they have to face them WITHOUT AIR BUD, there is no hope for victory. Switch to Air Bud, he is in the Russian prison circus. The animals communicate sortof, and break out. Back to the game, and it isn’t going well. Josh forgot how to football, and gives up a scoop-n-score. Really, this wasn’t a designed run.

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At halftime the coach gives a pep talk. The essence of this talk is that belief can overcome anything. If you can believe a dog can play football then you can believe in a comeback. The team goes full Mighty Ducks and starts “ruffing” (rather than quacking). I’m not kidding, there is no PSYCH coming. Even as a Browns fan I find this lame.

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I’m not kidding, they are playing the monstars

Due to the newfound belief the team begins playing better. Also the refs are clueless at their job and begin allowing horse collar tackles because fuck safety. Cut to the Russians, remember them? The animals defeat the Russians by dumping fish guts on them. How? Well there was a tank full of fish guts, and the monkey opens it. Of course!

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Fish guts, of course

The monkey then tries to kill them by running them over with the ice cream truck. Instead it knocks over a light post which sparks and ignites a bunch of fireworks. The dog escapes the building and is pursued by the Russians, who have regained control of the ice cream truck. As with the first movie, the brakes aren’t working at an inopportune time. This is a lesson to everyone, get your brakes checked.

They instead slam into the pier and fly out the windshield (which they opened up) and land on a boat. They should be dead, along with the clown from the first movie. However, they survive and demand to be taken to the Russian embassy. Oh wait, there is still a football game going on.

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They crashed into the pier at a high enough velocity to cause them to fly out of the vehicle and land on the boat.

At the start of the 4th quarter, the team is only down 35-10, which is a lot better than I expected. Then, out of nowhere, Air Bud shows up dressed to play. The new dad dressed the dog. The team goes into overdrive and starts scoring touchdowns at will.

Remember in the first movie when Larry fouled the dog? That was rude but not inhumane. Well, in this movie someone literally tackles Air Bud. Fortunately there is a vet in the house, he confirms that Air Bud is okay. This almost inspired Air Bud 3: Dog’s Not Dead.

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What it looks like for someone to tackle a dog

The refs are playing hard and loose with the rules (again), beyond allowing a dog to play. The team go to their go to play on 4th down to win the game, B-52, the crossing pattern. Air Bud is alright and is cheering them on, which gives them confidence. The play is ridiculous and involves the wide receptor tackling his DB and then getting up to run 60 yards in 6 seconds. Meanwhile Josh is doing his best Troy Smith impression, dodging defenders in the backfield, and chucks it 60 yards even though he is in middle school. They win the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when the goofy kid wanted to score? and that is why he decided to join the football team? Well, after not acknowledging this subplot for the entire movie they bring it back. The girl he is after says he has potential, so that means he is on second base essentially, right? Also, I hope you know that there is a baseball air bud movie review coming.

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An iconic shot

Fortunately this movie doesn’t end with a court room drama scene like the other one. The new dad was going to ride off into the sunset on his boat because Josh didn’t accept him, hes a good guy. But Josh gets his attention and they embrace because he did accept him at last. How sweet.

This is when the movie goes off the rails. The gang is at a Seahawks vs 49ers game and Josh says that Warren Moon should throw the ball to Joey Galloway on 3rd and 3. They throw the ball, but here comes Air Bud off the sideline. He runs onto the field and catches the ball. That is the end, roll credits. Fuck you.

This sequel to Air Bud is a step down in almost every way. The realism is lost because Air Bud is playing the sport throughout most of the season (to no protest by other teams), and is playing a sport that would be harder for a dog to play. The ball had to be severely deflated for Air Bud to grip it with his mouth. The cinematography is bonkers as well, they don’t have a consistent style throughout the film. However, it does touch on some serious issues, such as the perspective of a son dealing with this loss of his father and a new man coming in to his mother’s life. Fortunately this HAS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE IN A MOVIE LIKE HOLY CRAP THIS ISN’T OVERDONE AT ALL. 

34/100 It is not the worst film on earth, it just falls into being a cliche tornado. 

Death Count 3

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The guy giving the kiss has dementia, no joke

Fun things…

I theorize the kid is from Oregon initially because he has a Blazers picture in his locker despite living in Supersonics territory.

Everyone in this town loves vanilla pudding, even the vet is eating it while treating dogs.

The coach is always eating, except in one scene.

I might write an air bud porn screenplay when I’m done with these movies.

Previous review: Air Bud

Next review: Air Bud: World Pup

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Cigarette Rewiew #1

Brand: Camel

Style: Turkish Royal

Source: The ground

Source: Getty Images

Soutce: Getty Images

Anything from Turkey is exotic (and while we’re at it, erotic?) and exotic is good. This is reinforced by the smooth flavor and warm buzz. From sitting on the beach, to taking a fall stroll, these smokes are perfect for any occasion. If you only smoke a little bit you probably won’t even get cancer! That’s the Turkish Garuntee! This paticular blend is a 2017 apartment porch aged pre-smoked filtered. This is the best vintage for the price!

“Everytime I come across one of these gems I pick it up and run to the nearest liqour store to steal a lighter.” -Roger Ebert

4.3 out of 5 stars

Air Bud

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We apologize for how slow reviews have been coming out. We had to take a hiatus as several of our staff have been implicated in the Russian Hacking Scandal. Fortunately we are now allowed to continue reviewing.

“So, what should I review?” I asked myself a week ago. I wanted to review Halloween 3: Season of the Witch, but that was in October. Instead I decided to review the entire Air Bud film series! In order, of course. Starting with Air Bud 1: Ball is Life. The story of a boy discovering that his dead father inhabits the body of a tortured dog that can perform tricks. But we will get to that more later…

The movie opens to a clown driving a truck with a dog carrier in the back. Pretty normal stuff if you ask me. He is going to a town called Fernfield, where anything is possible (that is their slogan). The clown sucks at clowning. Once he realizes that he is a failure, he starts doing tricks with the dog. He throws balls at the dog’s face (Air Bud catches the balls) and eventually does a trick where the dog hits an inflatable ball through his arms. Instead, the ball hits him in the face…which causes the clown to go berserk like he is Goofy. The dog runs around, the children are screaming, and the clown slips on a banana and falls into the cake.

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This is definitely how your average kid’s movie starts, definitely nothing terrifying about this…

The clown blames the dog for his failures and threatens to take him to the pound. However, he left the tailgate down on the back of the truck. The carrier eventually falls out of the truck and is narrowly missed by a semi. However, the carrier is hit by a car (with the dog still inside). The mother in the car is unphased and is instead concerned about her crying daughter. The boy sees a dog come out of the crate wearing a clown suit. He doesn’t say anything, I would also assume that I am hallucinating though. The mom doesn’t notice and would have ran over the dog if it hadn’t been on the other side. The dog follows them to their home, more or less.

We learn that Josh’s (the kid) dad has recently died. This is why I hypothesize that Air Bud is his father, maybe it is because I have recently watched Nine Lives. But I digress, the kid finds an abandoned church which is overgrown. The backyard contains a basketball court, because ball is life. Over the next few scenes he restores the basketball court to its former glory. Air Bud is living in the bushes of the court because Air Bud knows all. Air Bud also loves vanilla pudding, and this is how the kid lures the dog to leave the bushes and later they engage in a basketball playing montage.

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The Lord has spoken

Josh wants to play basketball, and shows up at a practice and just sits there. In talking to the team the coach says, “If you can win on the courts you can win at life”. So ball is indeed life, this is the moral of the story and everything else is secondary.

After a few days of hanging out, Josh takes air bud home to wash him, which then leads to this stupid song Splish Splash. A cleaning the dog montage takes place where he dries off the dog with a leaf blower, and even sprayed perfume in the dog’s face to freshen him up. Please don’t do this to your dogs.

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Really, please don’t do this to your dogs.

His mother arrives at the house and Josh tries to hide the dog. Unfortunately, Ball if Life and the dog wrecks the house by chasing after a basketball. Josh is made to put up “lost dog” signs around the town, which ends Air Bud eating his ice cream cone. This dog has eaten vanilla pudding, spaghettiO’s, and ice cream. Please don’t feed these to your dogs. We are only 1/3rd of the way through the movie….I’ll try to pick up the pace.

Jumping forward a little bit, the janitor shows up like a wise black guy in a Stephen King story. He tells Josh about using cold water to wash the basketball uniforms (he is the team manager), and asks Josh why he puts up with this shit. Josh’s response is “Ball is Life”, in essence. Josh discovers that the janitor is probably former NBA legend Arthur Chaney (played by Clevelander Bill Cobbs). Josh has his basketball card because of course he does and that is not weird at all.

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For Christmas the mom got Josh another dog! Oh wait, its just the same dog but with a ribbon.

Josh was mistakenly given a tryout invitation, and the coach seemed pissed about it. However, Josh balls out and makes the team. One kid on the team is a major asshole for no good reason. Seriously, these kids look like they’re in 5th grade. That kid’s dad is also a horrible human being.

Meanwhile… during the game Air Bud breaks out of the house and makes his way to the court. Josh is thrown into the game which means Air Bud must chase the ball around. The dog proves himself to be faster and stronger on the ball than everyone else. NO ONE CAN STOP HIM. One ref eventually puts a towel over his head in shame. Somehow Josh grabs the ball and Air Bud knocks it into the hoop. Everyone stops in sheer amazement and cheers uncontrollably as if they saw this Michigan punter blow the game single handedly. The end result is a mom? the principal? trying to set Josh up with a girl.

DRAMA HAPPENS NEXT. Air bud goes back to the court, because ball is life, and we get to witness the coach going full Rutgers on a player. He gets fired and replaced by the dog. PSYCH, they replace him with the ex-NBA playing janitor. Why wasn’t he always the coach? idk. In the first practice the coach performs a magic trick, the kids don’t seem to care.

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He pulled this ball from behind his back, he definitely didn’t walk up to them with it, I’m serious.

Larry, the asshole kid, gets benched during the game for not being a team player. I only mention this because the family ends up moving to a new city just so their asshole kid can play elementary school basketball. At the end of the game Josh has the opportunity to make a 3 like Kyrie to win the game, however he misses the shot.

The coach, being a wise black man, knows that ball is life. He also knows that Air Bud understands this, because he just likes to ball and doesn’t care about stats. Unfortunately Air Bud would be an awful teammate, his off the ball work is non-existent and he sucks at defense.

A minor subplot in this movie is the mystery of the disappearing newspapers. However the mom finds them all buried in the backyard. While digging up the mountain of newspapers the Clown guy shows up behind her to claim the dog. The mom is totally okay with a creepy guy showing up on her property and claiming the dog is his. Josh begins to cry because he is a child, he also begins leaving vanilla pudding at the church basketball court.

Josh finds out where the clown lives, which is apparently within walking distance of his house? He breaks in and steals the dog. Which results in a ridiculous scene that would take too much time to detail. Overall the clown is defeated by running water, proceeds to chase the kid and dog in his truck, and almost kills a couple people because he is driving through a park. This ends in what should most certainly be his death since the truck is literally falling apart. The steering wheel even comes off and he crashes into the lake, which means he should be impaled as he wasn’t even wearing a seat belt. Nope, he lives. But let’s count this as the first should-be death in the series.

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Once again, this is a kids movie.

Josh knows that Air Bud won’t leave him alone so he tries to convince the dog to be free. He tries yelling at Air Bud to “Go on, get!”, which we all know is the hardest thing to say to a dog. To highlight the emotion in the scene, the dog mentions that he wants to tend the rabbits. PSYCH. instead Josh throws the ball and Air Bud chases it. The kid runs away.

BACK AT SCHOOL its the big game. The coach, who was a professional basketball player at one point, mentions that these have been the best months of his life. I call BS on that. The team is down to only 7 players because of the chicken pox. Larry is now on the other team, which is actually good for everyone because its not like he was going to make the championship game with the first team anyway. These kids clearly suck at defense as one team has 50 points at the half!

As stated, the team is shorthanded and need everyone they can to play. Unfortunately one kid fouls out and two more injure each other. How can they win playing 4 on 5? Well, we’ll never know because Air Bud shows up ready to ball. 99.9999% of the time if a dog shows up to a little league basketball game wearing a jersey and shoes, nobody says the dog should play. However, this is no ordinary day…

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Air Bud wins the jump ball, I’m not joking.

The coach argues that the dog should be allowed to play because he is a registered member of the team. How do we know this? Because he practices and travels with the team. I guess that is all it takes to be a REGISTERED MEMBER. With whom is this dog registered? I don’t know. He isn’t even a student, which I imagine is a necessary part of being a registered member of the team. If not, then why did Larry have to move to Spokane to join the Warriors?

ANYWAY the coach then challenges the ref on the rules. The ref recites his famous “there ain’t no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball.” line. The other coach is pissed off, rightfully so. Arthur Chaney then challenges the other coach by calling him chicken if he doesn’t want to allow a dog to play in this game, AND IT FUCKING WORKS. This is just Back to the Future rules in a movie about magic and dogs.

Stupid stuff happens, like this line, “Does he dribble? No but he might drool a little bit.” Fuck this. Air bud wins a jump ball by scaring the kid with a bark. Fuck this. This is Air Bud at its worst.

The team is rolling and are now down by 4 with 20 seconds left. Larry, the asshole, gives a hard foul to the dog, which forces the dog to shoot a 1 on 1 because this association has college rules. Larry realizes that he hit a fucking dog in a little league basketball game and finally questions his life, unfortunately for him Air Bud then gives him a nut shot and steals the ball.

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I would probably miss the shot if this kid ran at me too.

Josh is open in an identical situation to the last game, where he can make a 3 to win the game. This time he has the confidence and the spirit to make the shot. THEY WIN THE GAME. The clown shows up to take the dog away, yep this movie isn’t over yet. They go to court because OF COURSE THEY DO. This movie will never end, don’t you see? Also this is a more ridiculous court room than God’s Not Dead 2.

“Holy Toledo what is that dog doing in the courthouse?” Says the judge, I agree. “I will not have my courtroom turned into some kind of a circus!”, says the judge. As the dude shows up wearing his clown getup. Such easy jokes.

The clown claims he has papers to prove that the dog is his, because the fucking dog has fucking papers. The Clown also says that the boy is a criminal, despite this not being the place to make those claims. However, the dog barks every time the judge slams the gavel which leads to a series of jokes about the dog barking that is reminiscent of Abbot and Costello except with a dog.

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Remember this? No one does.

The family are trying to prove that the guy abuses the dog, and they don’t have any proof. IF ONLY THEY REMEMBERED WHEN THEY FOUND THE DOG CRATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Josh is so dumb that he can’t remember this? or he thinks its a different dog? I think he believes the dog is magic and didn’t actually come out of the crate.

Arthur Chaney walks in because he is the wise black man with all the answers. His argument? Dog is man’s best friend and therefore the dog should be able to choose what man he is friends with. I would reject this argument outright, but instead the judge who did NOT want his court room to become a circus decides to entertain this. The coach also argues that the dog is 3 or 4 years old, which makes him an adult in our years. I’m not misquoting…I just can’t tell if this was an intentional writing mistake…

So it is the moment of truth as they set up outside of the courthouse with Air Bud in the middle and the two people on either side. Air bud is lured by the clown because he brought a newspaper, which Air Bud then rips off like he is tearing off the chains of slavery and then runs over to Josh. Roll Credits.

This movie is bonkers, but there is also a lot less action than one might expect. They take the relatively basic concept of a dog being able to hit a basketball into a hoop and extrapolate it to playing basketball on a kid’s team. The movie itself, when it comes to children’s dog based movies, isn’t all that bad. I still wouldn’t suggest feeding your dog the Air Bud diet, but at least he is getting a workout. 

40/100 is the rating. The dog only plays in one game. I feel the more the dog actually plays the sport competitively the worse the movie gets. 

Death count: 1

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Everyone’s face when Air Bud balls out

Neat things…

Josh also appeared in Dawn of the Dead.

The actor who played Air Bud died, a new dog plays Air Bud in the other movies.

What? Other movies? YES there are a total of 14 movies in the Air Bud cinematic universe. If you want to read more about them, stay tuned, I am doing them all!

Last review: God’s Not Dead 2

Next review: Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Beer Review #86: Olde English “800”

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March Reader Mail

So who do you think is going to win the election? – Tamara C. from Boise

I really need to start posting more regularly…

What dinosaur is best? – Anonymous

Do birds count? Fried chicken.

What’s a nice beer for the Winter? – Dale from Albany

I really, really need to start posting more regularly. Try the Anchor Porter.

I’m going to college this coming Fall. Do you have any advice for incoming Freshman? – Reese from Culver City

Join a couple student groups, don’t be afraid to be turned down, get as much free food as possible, find a liquor that you enjoy, don’t schedule classes before nine, and be confident. Most of all, have fun.

What are you the worst at? – Anonymous

Answering the reader mail.

Night Moves” is a song by the American singer-songwriter Bob Seger. It was the lead single from his ninth studio album, Night Moves (1976), released on Capitol Records. Seger wrote the song as a coming of age tale about adolescent love and adult memory of it. It was based on Seger’s own teenaged love affair he experienced in the early 1960s. It took him six months to write and was recorded quickly at Nimbus Nine Studios in Toronto, Ontario, with producer Jack Richardson. As much of Seger’s Silver Bullet Band had returned home by this point, the song was recorded with several local session musicians. – Helen W. from New York City

I don’t understand why someone sent me the Wikipedia article for the song Night Moves, but I’ll try to tackle this question.

Don’t go around digging up dead bodies, wearing them, and stalking prostitutes. They are people too. Just give them a twenty and they’ll probably do whatever. They’re people, but they’re also desperate.

Oh, and use a condom.


We have dishonored all of God’s creation

Appearance: Very carbonated with a pale straw color, slightly opaque body, and a white head that hangs around for a bit.

Smell: Just malt.

Taste: Very, very watery mouthfeel with an indescribably unpleasant taste. I legitimately can’t figure out how to describe this. It’s like if you mom was on the phone with your dad and asking why the child support check was late again and then she starts crying. Also, the aftertaste is awful and won’t go away.

Overall: This was an all around terrible experience. I can’t believe that the homeless man in front of the gas station didn’t have the discerning palate that he claimed to have. This is the last time I give any panhandlers any money unless they can recommend a fortified wine to pair with a microwave burrito or maybe offers to assassinate one of my enemies or something. I’ll give this a 12/100 and that’s only because it didn’t look entirely awful. I seriously hope that homeless man was frozen over the Winter.

Up Next: Schlitz, because there is no god.

Review: Loafing Around

I only gave myself one parameter to measure my status of keeping shit together: making it to the gym. It has been a solid week since I’ve stepped foot in there and I can easily say that I have failed to meet that simple parameter. Going to the gym requires being of sound body and I have not been nurturing myself as I should be. Cooking just hasn’t been something I have been able to bring myself to do so I have just been eating bread and hummus, which has left me feeling drained and weak. That could also be the result of going to the bar every single night and closing the place down each time. The past few days have been the same: napping all day while watching The Simpsons and then going out drinking and talking to strangers all night. I have met more people in the past week than I did in the year that we were together. We’ll see where this goes, but I rate spiraling into self destruction: 93%

Review: Powdered Peanut Butter

As this is my first entry, I feel as though I should let you know what I intend to do with my entries. My therapist said writing would be a great way for me to help boost my sense of self worth and gather together my thoughts on day to day experience. Journaling sucks because I feel like some things just need to be shared. So I decided to talk about the random things I come across in my daily life, whether they be restaurants, new recipes, or life experiences in the hopes that these entries might bring you some additional knowledge of the world around you and maybe every now and then make you laugh.

For example, I recently separated from my partner. I received my invitation to contribute to this website coincidentally on the first day I’ve been sober since things ended. The last two weeks have been a blur of anxiety and depression about what is going to happen to the apartment we share. Sub review: I give living with a partner .316 stars out of 5 and would only recommend it if your only other option is being homeless.

For a few days, I thought I was going to get stuck paying the rent, which I can’t afford on my own. So that lead to thoughts of self harm and disappearing off the face of the Earth. In all fairness, it doesn’t take much for those thoughts to surface rather quickly. Out of desperation, we agreed to continue living together for now and I hope a magical fairy will agree to sublease the place before I throw myself off the balcony. We fight nearly every day and having to look at the face of the person who broke my heart is the gasoline on the fire of my alcoholism.

That being said, I was surprisingly pleased with the powdered peanut butter. I added it to a protein smoothie with frozen bananas, frozen peaches, and almond milk. The couple of bits of peanut butter that didn’t get totally blended up had a surprisingly pleasant peanut butter-like texture and it didn’t leave an impossible-to-clean mess inside my blender. Rating: 74%