2020 Year End Lists!

Well that was generally awful. I’m holed up with a bunch of booze and I wear a mask while socially distancing out of the home, but I refuse to stop eating exotic animals. It’d be way worse if the zoo just threw a dead giraffe into the trash instead of auctioning it off to distinguished scumbags.

Here are the lists.

TV Shows

5 – The Umbrella Academy
4 – How To with John Wilson
3 – Fargo
2 – The Boys
1 – The Last Dance


5 – Kiwi
4 – Lime
3 – Plum
2 – Strawberry
1 – Banana


5 – The stray in the alley that scares squirrels
4 – Olly
3 – Gremlin
2 – Bip & Bop
1 – Cappuccino

Egg Preparations

5 – Hard-Boiled
4 – Poached
3 – Over Easy
2 – Soft-Boiled
1 – Basted


5 – Bread and Butter Pickles
4 – Whole Grain Mustard
3 – Sriracha
2 – Mango Chutney
1 – Pickled Onions

Worst Things

5 – Sidney Powell
4 – Mitch McConnell
3 – The Police (Not the Band)
2 – Donald Trump
1 – Right-Wing Politics

Things I Miss

5 – Going to a Baseball Game
4 – Dick’s Den
3 – The Lives Needlessly Lost to COVID-19
2 – Being with Friends at a Party
1 – Unprotected Sex (No Masks)


5 – Pork Sausage
4 – Braised Chicken Quarters
3 – Ribeye Steak
2 – Carnitas
1 – Smoked Brisket

2019 Year End Lists

The year is over. Here’s the lists.


5 – Marathon
4 – 100 Yard Dash
3 – Mile
2 – Hurdles
1 – 5K

Non-Chicken Eggs

5 – Spider
4 – Quail
3 – Duck
2 – Grey Alien
1 – Owl

5 – Larry
4 – Cat
3 – The Admiral
2 – Cappuccino
1 – Missy
Films of 2019

5 – Spider Man: Far From Home
4 – Good Boys
3 – Us
2 – John Wick 3
1 – Midsommar
Egg Preparations

5 – Basted
4 – Sunny-Side Up
3 – Poached
2 – Over Easy
1 – Soft Boiled
Worst Things

5 – Christmas
4 – Donald Trump
3 – Dave from Accounting
2 – Cleveland Browns
1 – Donald Trump

5 – Bing Cherry
4 – Pears
3 – Grapes
2 – Tomato
1 – Peaches


5 – Gravy
4 – Mayonnaise
3 – Avocado Slices
2 – Sriracha
1 – Spicy Brown Mustard

Beer Review #87: Kirkland Signature APA (Costco Adventures #1)


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December Reader Mail

Why isn’t there a Wintertime version of ice cream trucks? – Jan from Van Nuys

This is legitimately a profound question and I’m mad at myself for not having considered it before. I guess you can get a soft pretzel at a food truck, but it’s not the same. Let’s try to break this down.

Obviously, the most important thing to address is the music. What the hell would this thing play? I suppose you could go with your classics like The Entertainer or whatever, but I feel like you’d want something festive. As such, I suggest this Korean guy singing All I want For Christmas is You.

As to what this truck would actually serve; the answer is obviously soups and stews. Not only is a nice soup great for keeping warm in the snow, but it’s also a great weapon if things get serious; like if the guy running a Winter soup truck tries to pull you in to the truck.

Great question Jan and I’m stealing you idea.

I want to start dating a much younger man, but I’m afraid that my family won’t approve. What’s the best way to go about this? – Gayle from Brooklyn

This can be really rough and I understand the problem: people are disgusted by the idea of any old person having sex. The best way to show them that it’s just a normal thing for all people is to just show them a video of you making love followed by a video of you really getting plowed.

I come from a very conservative family so I’ve had to stay in the closet for all of my life. This year, I went to college and I finally feel free. I’m going home for Thanksgiving and I want to finally face my family and tell them about the real me. Any advice? – Anonymous

I know I say this a lot, but I really need to respond to these messages in a more timely manner.

Apple or Android? – Bryan from Parma

I refuse to answer the question that I assume you’re asking and will instead address this literally.

Apples are plentiful, tasty, and a great fruit. Androids are robotic monsters that look just like us.

Apples can go rotten fairly easily. Androids will live forever after they replace us.

Apples make for a great pie. Androids do not taste good in pie.

I’m still gonna go with androids because I like Westworld.

What’s your favorite Christmas Song? – Nick from Mansfield

This was addressed in the ice cream truck question. Specifically the linked version too.

Kirkland APA

Appearance: An off-white head with really big craters lifts the eyes up at first. The beer itself is clear and moderately effervescent with a pleasing dark straw color.

Smell: Wet hay that had only just been ready to get baled and now you have to wait for three sunny days in a row so it can get dry enough. It’s incredibly frustrating and you’re ready to just get to work.

Taste: Medium body, fairly crisp. It has a sharp spiciness and tastes of malt with an herbaceous aftertaste. All of the flavors are very tame and not really pronounced. Very generic outside of the decent spice.

Overall: My biggest takeaway was that the head really thins out quickly. This felt like someone tried to make the prototypical APA and muted it down on almost all aspects. 63/100. I’d still definitely drink it in a pinch, but I wouldn’t be particularly happy about it.

Up Next: Some other Costco beer.

Zen and the Art of Fuck it.

(Transcribed from a talk given at the University of Miami, Oxford OH)

Moderator: Hello and welcome to the first instalation of Zen and the Art of Fuck it. We have a very fun topic planned for today and we hope you tune back in to hear the rest of our series.

Our mission is helping people not care. All the problems in the world could be solved through not caring, Or at least this is the claim of our esteemed guest. Yoshitaka Kobayashi has been developing his technic for 15 years and was one of the founding fathers of Fuck it Zen. He holds an honorary degree from the University of Tokyo and studied alongside many great Zen Masters. We hope this series brings you happiness and peace but if it doesn’t, fuck it.

We would like to thank our sponsors. With out their support we would never be where we are today. To see a full list of our sponsors visit http://www.boozeandothernonsense.com/sponsors. We hope you can support them as much as they have us.

Yoshitaka Kobayashi: Removing attatchment, disolving desire, enlightenment, you may have heard these terms before, but have you truly understood them? From sitting in ritualistic reflection, to retreating to the East to find spiritual guidance, many people have searched far and wide to obtain these states of understanding. Unfortunately for them (and lucky for you!) There is an easier way. The path I am referring to is the path of fuck it.

The 8 fold path of fuck it was revealed to us through the Four Hundred and Twenty Noble Truths. Its states that, “In order to remove the desire to give a fuck, follow the 8 fold path.” Wouldn’t you love to not give a fuck? I mean I know I would. So what is the 8 Fold Path?

Right View: Actions have consequences when we care about the outcome, death may or not be the end, what we do today may not ever matter. Don’t get caught up in trash philosophies like Karma.

Right Lubrication: If you go into life dry you will certainly end up with a friction burn. Most store bought petroleum jellies will help you ease right along.

Right Breakfast: A balanced breakfast a the key to a good day. We here at booze and other nonsense believe at least one bowl of marijuana and not eating until at least 1 pm really gets the juices flowing.

Right Weed: This is the same as the last one just keep smoking.

Right Birth: Make sure you were born into your desired level of privilege. This can not be changed after beginning of life.

Right Medication: Get on some of those good pills. Also we fully endorse self medication. Really who knows you better than you!

Right Concentration: If you think hard enough you will be able to bend that spoon and take your act on the road.

(The speech suddenly ended when Yoshitaka Kobayashi began to glow with a blinding light and ascended out of the auditorium.)

The Electric Whiskey Honey Test.


“….You write a review…I want more but not if i have to work the next day...That was a mistake…”  -unknown-

“…Lemme think…I’m rolling so it will be a good one…”  -the cob monster-

“Where’s the beef?” -Shannon-

If you happen to find yourself in a shit region, in a shit state, in a medium ok city, you may be right down the street from a mythical creature. He’s about about 4 feet tall at the hump, golden brown fur, and loves stepping out on his porch for a refreshing Parliament. This bear, like all bears, loves honey. Not only that, he was also stung by 1,000 bees.  How did he survive? He ate the mutha fucking honey. What the bees didn’t tell him was that they were smoking on the fire and the one time came knocking. Long story short, they put a shit load of weed in the honey.

Appearance: Light brown. golden honey. Attractive, with a light fog.

Smell: Sweet.

Taste: Sweet but balanced. Some bitter/pungent undertones (overtones? i can’t tell anymore these days my tastebuds are shot…)

Overall: 89/100 The Honey was nearly perfect but the whiskey and mixer could use an upgrade (but I’ll still drink it every day)

Up Next: Psych-grass: good idea or bad idea? I think so… 


Air Bud: World Pup


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Happy New Year you schmucks! Welcome back to Fernfield: Where Everything is Possible. I realize that I have been saying anything instead of everything, and for that I apologize.


Freemason sign in the background, Buddy is Illuminati confirmed

The mom is getting married to the vet from the second movie, except the actor has been replaced. I think it is weird that the mom, the two kids, and the close friends of the kids, all stay the same…but the father gets replaced. Maybe it was a haunted set.

While at the altar Josh realized he forgot the ring, so he sends air bud to fetch the ring from the house. The dog needs to recognize the concepts of the ring and the dresser while also realizing the ring is in the ring box. Air Bud works a lift genie, which he hadn’t before, and takes it up to get to the window (which was open even though no one was home except a painter for some reason). On the way back to the church, Air Bud spots a foxy lady golden retrieve, giving me some ideas for that air bud porn I mentioned in the last review.


Ha, dog eating people food

The priest says “By the power invested in me” rather than vested, which indicates to me that this movie is for the dogs. So far the villain seems to be a dog catcher, which we can all agree is a major step back from a clown and Russians.

The dog catcher spots the lady dog, whose collar was accidentally removed in the woods. He also, through his binoculures saw Air Bud surrounded by kids and ground his teeth while saying “ooooh, two golden retrievers”. However, do dog catchers actually just take people’s dogs? Air Bud is clearly someone’s dog, he is wearing a tuxedo for Dog’s sake! But I don’t know. Today’s fan question for my dog catcher readers out there, do you just steal dogs and sell them for parts?

There is a new soccer coach in town for the middle school, of course she is from England. What is this, The Big Green? And of course there is the mandatory “what i thought you said football” joke because we call it soccer. Anyway, the younger sister, Andrea, is playing soccer on the middle school team. Does this mean she is the main character in this movie? No, it does not.


She always calls her father “daddy”

Back to the talent, Josh stares at the coach throughout the practice, which she notices and seems to enjoy. An awkward love ballad plays in the background. Josh’s sister is the best wingman and introduced Josh to the coach Emma, who also happens to be going to the High School. The next day Josh and his dweeby friend from the first two movies decide to join the soccer team to woo the British girl. Twice now these kids play a new sport because that kid wants to score. Also the dumbass wears football pads to soccer practice because he is a fool.

One kid on the soccer team trashes Josh for joining because the team is full and they don’t let basketball players play? Did this dumbass forget that Josh was also the QB? Clearly. But Josh is bad at soccer because he has never played. Now to start a weird 5 on 5 soccer montage where Emma outclasses everyone. #GirlPower


Who doesn’t think this dog can play soccer?

Now is time to test out the goalkeeper. One kid steps in goal and says “I dare any body, even that mutt, to get the ball past me” to which one kid in the movie read my mind by remarking, “What is he talking about? Doesn’t he realize that is Air Bud!?”. Another kid says “A dog can’t play soccer!”, as though basketball and football are easier for a dog? Of course Air Bud makes the shot. The lady dog  watches and cheers. Keep in mind, throughout the process they’ve been 1 man short. However, when asked whether Air Bud can make the team, the coach says YES! By this time every damn sporting federation has changed their rules to include an anti-dog provision. If not after the basketball fiasco, then football certainly did it.

Also the lady dog is Emma’s dog! On second watch this is actually revealed earlier, though I didn’t notice. Moving on…

Game 1. The refs are bafoons like in the last movie, as one takes the quarter from the opening toss while the other is so out of shape he can’t keep up with the play. This match might as well have no refs, they don’t know what they are doing. These are the same refs as Golden Receiver, and one of them is the a ref in the OG Air Bud: Ball is Life.

Anyway, Air Bud gets an assist before the end of the game to make it 3-1. However, their attack was so abysmal that the coach is having them do a practice after the game in order to learn how to pass better.

Emma is having a party. The dweeby kid, who apparently didn’t end up wooing that girl from the second movie, is going to wear something distinctly english in order to attract Emma. The sister and her friend follow Buddy that night all decked out in spy stuff. They even have code names, Kibbles and Bits. HA. But they follow Air Bud to Emma’s house, where Josh is going anyway. So I bet something fun is going to happen.


Very British

Emma’s father is looking for a new butler. One of the dog catchers has decided to impersonate a butler to get on the inside, which the guy hired right on the spot. Apparently the lady dog hasn’t been feeling well. I WONDER WHY, probably sex reasons.

The next game is about to begin, and the opposing coach is taken aback that the Timberwolves are starting both a girl and a dog. One of the players on the opposing team exclaims that it is not just any dog, it is Air Bud. The legend grows each day, but it doesn’t explain to me how each sport hasn’t changed the rules to keep Air Bud from playing. I know I keep repeating myself on this, but people are aware of Air Bud in this universe. How have these sports not had these conversations? The coach even says, “What’s next, a water buffalo?”. Exactly! There isn’t a rule against it therefore it is permitted. Go get a team of water buffalo to play soccer and you would wreck this high school league.


Air Bud scores from this position

Josh went out on a date with Emma and blew it. Why? He took the advice of his dweeby foreveralone friend by acting like a tough guy instead of a #NiceGuy. Afterwards we see the newly christened dad for the first time since the wedding, and haven’t seen the mom since the second scene.

The athletic conference has, finally, decided to disqualify the team because of the dog. The coach says that he has been on other Fernfield high teams, which isn’t true at all as far as I know. The basketball team was pre-junior high, and junior high doesn’t count as high school in my book. Unless he has been playing during the time between movies. Also, why isn’t there a rule about being enrolled at the school and being allowed to play? What would stop Michael Jordan from suiting up for Fernfield high and playing? Anyway, they kick the ball into the net and leave without playing.

Like, I understand that we are supposed to feel bad for the team because they can’t cheat anymore….but come on! These shenanigans couldn’t go on forever.


Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay

The next day the lady dog gives birth. This is when everyone realizes that Buddy and the lady dog have been doing it. which is ridiculous unless they have been totally neglectful of their dogs. ALSO does air bud ever shit? we never see it happen, not even as a joke. Air Bud is 100% efficient. Also, just so you know, the coach who decided the Timberwolves cheated by having a dog on the team had a change of heart after his son took it as an insult. These people are so afraid of actual fair play.

Jumping forward a bit, the dog catcher that is disguised as a butler has still not stolen all these dogs, he is playing the long con. He seems to have been doing a serviceable job because he hasn’t been fired yet. Why not give up your life of crime to work an honest job? Turns out next scene they try and steal the dogs. They lock the lady dog away and steal the puppies by placing them in a hamper. Meanwhile Air Bud is at Josh’s home and somehow senses this from a long distance away, because he is Air Bud and he knows all. Unfortunately Air Bud is too late and they don’t stop the heist.

The mom makes pour-over coffee before heading to the soccer game. Why? Great question. its great, but just a weird thing to just be making in an afternoon. This town is in the general area of Seattle, so I guess this is a stereotype of how much they love coffee or something.


Its just an oddly specific way of making coffee

Now it is the conference championship and a player from the women’s national team is in attendance, which is cool. Josh, Emma, and Air Bud are looking for the puppies so they aren’t at the game. This looks to be shaping up for a The Big Green scenario. They find the dogs in a warehouse that can only be described as a Saw scenario for dogs.

Back to the game… Fernfield surrenders a goal early. I don’t even know how they have 11 players, unless they added more after the season started. They are probably playing with 8 people right?

Josh and Co. are running from the dog catchers after being spotted and choose to blow the dog whistle to rally all the dogs in a 10 mile radius to their location. Josh used this dog whistle earlier in the movie which summoned a stampede of pooches. Meanwhile Fernfield scores a goal off a penalty, so its all 1-1.


Air Bud is the Caesar of dogs, and I don’t mean the dog food brand

Now the dog catchers are the catched? as they run around their warehouse away from the dogs. They are cornered and decided to climb a ladder, which a dog knocks over and they fall. However, its not a fatal fall (unlike the prior two movies scenarios where people would have died). They rescue the dogs and everyone is happy, now we can get to soccer. The guy who was the butler turned out to not be evil and instead just wanted a dog, he defects and drives them to the soccer match.

With less than 4 minutes left in the game and down a goal, they show up and are allowed to play. I just want to know where the other 3 players were? or were they able to keep it this close playing 8 on 11? Anyway, Emma scores an equalizer and Air Bud scores the go ahead goal as time expires! Is the waterboy the kid from the beginning who brought water to the girls but they ran away? I think so. how dumb. also see, nobody is on the bench!


This match was sponsored by First Mutual

Anyway, the Women’s Team player likes Buddy’s game and decides to bring him to the WORLD CUP FINAL against Norway. Well, the actual soccer player goes down, she is the goalkeeper, and they are in penalties. There is one penalty to go, the US is one goal up. Buddy is going in as GK, which he has never played before, and makes the save! Air Bud won the World Cup! Fuck you, roll credits.

Clearly there isn’t any stipulation for a dog playing international soccer. Also Air Bud is a male dog, does that matter? I think it should. is Air Bud a US citizen? this opens up more questions than it answers….

In this episode of the Air Bud saga, it really settles into its own. The sport is one a dog would be able to play well in, the bad guys are dog catchers, and nobody is obscenely weird, and nobody sustains injuries which would kill a normal person. Meanwhile the players on the team actually show improvement throughout the season, its not just Air Bud carrying the team. The movie isn’t perfect by any means, but the bar is incredibly low and it is the best Air Bud movie so far and I rate it a 50/100. 

Death Count: 3


This isn’t the first time this has happened

Weird things….

Is it the same soundtrack in each movie? Seems like it

Is this just The Big Green meets Homeward Bound 2 Lost in San Francisco? Yes

In one scene Air Bud makes a sundae for his sweety in such an elaborate way that it makes no sense. The ice cream parlor attendant probably needs hearing aids.

At one point the dogs watch, what I think, is dog porn.

Previously: Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Next: Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch


Ranking Star Wars Movies and State Seals


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Hello heathens and thank you for joining me on another journey around the sun. This year I leave you with the definitive ranking of the 50 US State Seals, and Star Wars Movies.

How do I judge a seal? its easier to show you than to tell you. Generally if it is hard to read, interpret, or if it just looks stupid then its probably bad. If it looks generic or is a landscape it is probably average. But sometimes something stands out and makes the seal look majestic. So, here we go….

Terribly Bad
These need a re-design badly, like holy shit these are either ugly or stupid

50. Washington (Face of Washington)

49. Alabama (A MAP)

48. Kentucky (awful design)

47. South Carolina (seal-ception)

46. Tennessee (Agriculture….Commerce)

45. Connecticut (Oval and Grapes)

44. Iowa (Don’t Dead Open Inside)

43. Nevada (Ew)

Below Average
Needs a re-design but it is not embarrassing, generally are boring though

42. Georgia (Wis Dom Moder Ation)

41. Massachusettes (Tries too hard)

40. North Carolina (Boring)

39. Arizona (Moderately Ugly)

38. New Mexico (Underwhelming)

37. Idaho (Busy busy busy…)

36. New Jersey (Godfather part Seal)

35. Arkansas (Too much going on, poorly laid out)

Average or Silly
Could use an update, but generally okay or memorable

34. Louisiana (Pelicans)

33. Maine (Dudes)

32. Mississippi (Overcompensating for the civil war)

31. Illinois (Doesn’t remind me of Illinois)

30. Wisconsin (Goofy)

29. Missouri (Bears massaging a circle)

28. Delaware (Two Boring Dudes)

27. Utah (Boring)

26. Indiana (Should swap this with Illinois)

25. Vermont (Best on a Sweater)

24. Virginia (This is a seal?)

23. Florida (Neat idea, bad execution)

Good Seals
Not amazing but these get the job done and don’t need a re-design

22. West Virginia (Reminds me of the state)

21. Minnesota (Bizarre but charming)

20. Michigan (Elk caressing a crest)

19. Nebraska (Hard at work)

18. Wyoming (Two cool dudes)

17. Ohio (Warms the heart)

16. Colorado (ILLUMINATI)

15. South Dakota (Neat)

14. Pennsylvania (Almost Great)

Great Seals
These are some great seals but they aren’t in the top 5

13. Oregon (Cool)

12. Kansas (Looks like Kansas)

11. Maryland (Two Awesome Dudes)

10. Montana (Serene)

9. Oklahoma (Lots going on, but they make it work)

8. Alaska (Makes me want to move to Alaska)

7. Texas (Star)

6. North Dakota (Really Cool)
North Dakota

God Tier
Damn good seals

5. Rhode Island (Simple but effective)
Rhode Island

4. New York (Regal)

3. New Hampshire (Intangibles)

2. California (Awesome)

1. Hawaii (Perfection)


There we have it, now the Star Wars rankings….

9. The Phantom Menace

8. Attack of the Clones

7. Rogue One

6. The Force Awakens

5. Revenge of the Sith

4. Return of the Jedi

3. The Last Jedi

2. The Empire Strikes Back

1. A New Hope

Have a happy 2018

Ultimate Drinkmaster

Note: This was written in spring of 2017 for the first season of Ultimate Beastmaster, but it was lost to time… until now. Season 2 is on Netflix and most of the rules still apply. Enjoy.

You may have noticed that new Ninja Warrior knockoff that Netflix made…the Ultimate Beastmaster. In this ultimate test of strength, endurance, and jumping ability, 6 nations compete for the title of Ultimate Beastmaster.

Why is it called the Ultimate Beastmaster? Because the course is called the Beast. That isn’t even the weirdest part of this experience. Some obstacles have body part related names, others have silly names like “dreadmills” instead of treadmills. The water below is blood on levels 1 and 2, but becomes fuel on level 3. The final round is called the Power Source, which is the mitochondria of the Beast.

Now as bad as this show sounds, we at Booze and Other Nonsense recommend you watch this show. However, only watch it with these rules in place. Otherwise the show may kill you. These rules will not make any sense unless you watch the show.

The rules:

  1. Select a nation before the episode begins. Finish your drink if your nation is eliminated from that episode.
  2. Drink every time someone gets a point thruster, also say point thruster before you drink.
  3. Drink every time someone actually completes the level without failing.
  4. On level 1: Drink every time someone fails on or before the Faceplant.
  5. On level 2: Drink every time someone fails to ascend the spinal column.
  6. On level 3: Drink every time someone fails on the ejector.

For extra fun… Drink every time the Brazilian and German commentators interact on camera. Or France and Italy if you are in the second season.

Now go out there and beast all that you can beast.

Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Hi folks. See, I’m trying to be regular again. I’m eating yogurt, exercising, drinking water, and writing synopses of the (mostly) crap movies I watch more often than I have over the last 10 months. I am hoping this will be the one stop shop for reviews and synopses of the Air Bud cinematic universe for years to come.

Welcome back to Fernfield, where anything is possible. Well maybe not anything…but there certainly seems to be a higher chance of absurd things happening in this city than in others.


This kid has skills

Josh is back in action with his dog. However, this movie didn’t go to theaters so there appears to be a decrease in production value. The movie just feels older than the first movie and takes on a darker color pallet. Reminder, this is also a new Air Bud actor so it is possible that the dog had a new creative vision for his role.

Unlike Air Bud: Ball is Life, this film takes a BOLD direction with camera angles. They take every opportunity to perform goofy shots and dutch angles despite this being a feel good movie. This isn’t even mentioning the use of the pan-zoom to weird effect. I don’t know why, but they are trying to make me feel like this is a creepy movie while a poor man’s mission impossible theme plays in the background.


Seriously goofy camera shit.

Anyway, the family goes to an actual adult basketball game. Air Bud snuck? Sneaked? into the car, and then broke out so he could watch the game. However, of course he ends up on the court chasing the ball around. However, he bests these adults at basketball instead of children. Is Air Bud the greatest athlete in America? We may find out by the end of the 5 Air Bud movies (the other 9 movies are not focused on Air Bud). They do more stupid and dumb angles, the refs are befuddled, its a whole to-do.


They are having the image do a warm thing while the text overlay is untouched…

The kid’s dweeby bowl cut friend from the first movie states something creepy. The best thing about 8th grade is that the girls have turned into women. JESUS CHRIST DUDE, who was that horny in 8th grade? He also is planning to try out for football to get chicks, so that is how we get into football. Specifically he wants to woo one girl in particular. Will he do it? You’ll have to read to find out.


The kid on the left is the friend, the one on the right is Larry (this is from Air Bud)

Russian circus time, these are the villains in this movie. Ah, I miss 1998, when Russians were bad guys. Anyway, the existence of their circus necessitates other skilled animals. Also according to news reports these animals were all stolen.

The mom starts dating again (remember, the father died before Air Bud and his soul is now trapped within the dog). This new guy is a real charmer and has the mom legitimately conflicted. They shoot this scene as though she is talking to a long time friend about her relationship issues, but nope its the dog she is explaining this to. Her dead husband dog, think about it.

The mom starts dating the veterinarian from earlier. The two of them are going out on a date and he brings over a football, mentioning that football is the way to a woman’s heart. Yes, we are this far into the movie and we haven’t really done a lot of footballing. Josh isn’t a big fan of the handegg and leaves it in the garage, of course Air Bud (remember he was only tortured to play basketball) golden retrieves the football because of course.

The Russians take an ice cream truck to try and find the dog. I would recommend never trusting anyone with a goofy vehicle with something on the roof, this is clearly an homage to OG Air Bud.


Josh and his goofy friend are playing catch with the football, air bud is just running around like a dog. Then Josh throws the ball like a champ, and it somehow hits our Russians and knocks them both down a hill into the lake because magic.

Josh sees his mother and the new guy being close, and Josh decides to try out for football so he doesn’t have to see them? Or because he wants attention from his mother. GROW UP JOSH

A mandatory montage is provided which depicts how bad all the kids are at everything they do. But somehow a dog is going to fix this team’s problems?


They accidentally pile on top of each other…

Josh and his dweeb friend stop by the vet/mom’s boo. He is still eating the damned pudding cup because nobody here is normal. They convince him to take Air Bud to get an X-Ray so they can snoop on the vet. This is an expensive procedure, even for a dog, I think… Do they have dog insurance? Is the vet doing this as a favor?

Josh actually has a cannon for an arm, and by that I mean every shot of him throwing the ball it is clearly shot out of a cannon. Air Bud catches the ball because he has jaws of steel, and he is an ideal receiver due to his mastery of keepaway. Earlier in this movie Air Bud bested grown men, I don’t imagine middle schoolers will be hard.


Every time Josh throws the ball

Now comes the pressure. The school board is not a fan of the lack of success of their middle school football program, and are letting the coach go if they don’t have a winning season. Meanwhile the locker room itself is small and the kids are weird. The starting QB is doing curls while a lineman is repeatedly slamming his forehead against his locker. Why? Because he wants to get the CTE started early.

Josh is the backup QB, so he is just chilling on the bench, but the star QB goes down with an injury. Cut to the Russians chasing after Air Bud while in the ice cream truck, while kids are chasing after the ice cream truck. It’s a dog eat dog world. The dog somehow finds the football field.


Seriously this kid is banging his head against the locker

Josh doesn’t know how to quarterback, but at least he can throw the ball. Its essentially the plot to Longshot on Madden 18. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THE GOOFY CAMERA ANGLES ARE BACK!

Anyway, air bud catches a pass and everyone loses their shit as though they didn’t know this dog has bested kids at sports before. He scores a touchdown. There wasn’t any sort of debate over whether that was legal despite him not being a registered player on the team. He just came out of the stands and caught the pass. It’s the definition of cheating. But whatever, I guess. Josh says that dogs can’t play football, because its different than basketball. But fuck the rules. Air bud is the new wide receptor.

The coach is okay with it, because fuck everything. I can guarantee that every sports association in the country changed their rules after the first movie to disallow dogs from playing sports, but maybe they didn’t think a dog could ever play football.

They have a band, seriously what middle school has a marching band, and instead choose to have somehow shout the national anthem at the top of their lungs. This literally makes fun of the national anthem, or at least it being sung at sporting events. Personally I am of the opinion that we play the national anthem far too often, middle school athletics doesn’t need it. However, in this movie they intend to have a lady shout the national anthem poorly, and everyone grimaces. Think of how the veterans felt, watching them disgrace the national anthem like that. Its far worse than anything the current NFL players are doing, yet I didn’t see a temper tantrum thrown 20 years ago about this. Maybe it’s because she is white, I don’t know, it’s just a guess.


This is her shouting face

Anyway, back to this movie. It is gameday, the other team does not seem to care that a football playing dog is on the field. Instead, it’s a joke to them. Which it should be, but also not something that should be allowed. The dog scores a touchdown on the first play, nothing matters anymore. No one can stop this dog despite having a few feet height advantage on it. The team doesn’t have a defense though and are somehow losing despite being unable to stop Air Bud.

The team fumbles it, but air bud then strips the ball from the other player and runs almost all the way down the field before everyone dog piles on the dog killing it. PSYCH! They don’t jump on the dog and they miss, but the ref waited for dramatic effect to call the touchdown as Air Bud celebrated in the end zone. Also, there are too many people from the green team on the field, but the rules of football are arbitrary and up to interpretation CLEARLY.


This shows at least 9 visible (more should be in the pile) and there are more just walking around

This movie has a lot more sportsplaying, so it has that going for it. But still, why is no one arguing about a dog playing in these games? Like, no kid is able to stop this dog. If this dog ever gets tackled its dead.

The vet proposes to Josh’s mom, in response Josh Can’t Even and runs away. Meanwhile the Russians kidnap Air Bud. I truly think 30% of these movies are just people trying to kidnap Air Bud. The coach happens to run into the kid, and convinces him to not run away to San Francisco to play basketball. Yes, he is eating during this scene.

So now it’s the state finals in football and they are going up against, what appears to be, the prison guard team from The Longest Yard. Worse yet, they have to face them WITHOUT AIR BUD, there is no hope for victory. Switch to Air Bud, he is in the Russian prison circus. The animals communicate sortof, and break out. Back to the game, and it isn’t going well. Josh forgot how to football, and gives up a scoop-n-score. Really, this wasn’t a designed run.


At halftime the coach gives a pep talk. The essence of this talk is that belief can overcome anything. If you can believe a dog can play football then you can believe in a comeback. The team goes full Mighty Ducks and starts “ruffing” (rather than quacking). I’m not kidding, there is no PSYCH coming. Even as a Browns fan I find this lame.


I’m not kidding, they are playing the monstars

Due to the newfound belief the team begins playing better. Also the refs are clueless at their job and begin allowing horse collar tackles because fuck safety. Cut to the Russians, remember them? The animals defeat the Russians by dumping fish guts on them. How? Well there was a tank full of fish guts, and the monkey opens it. Of course!


Fish guts, of course

The monkey then tries to kill them by running them over with the ice cream truck. Instead it knocks over a light post which sparks and ignites a bunch of fireworks. The dog escapes the building and is pursued by the Russians, who have regained control of the ice cream truck. As with the first movie, the brakes aren’t working at an inopportune time. This is a lesson to everyone, get your brakes checked.

They instead slam into the pier and fly out the windshield (which they opened up) and land on a boat. They should be dead, along with the clown from the first movie. However, they survive and demand to be taken to the Russian embassy. Oh wait, there is still a football game going on.


They crashed into the pier at a high enough velocity to cause them to fly out of the vehicle and land on the boat.

At the start of the 4th quarter, the team is only down 35-10, which is a lot better than I expected. Then, out of nowhere, Air Bud shows up dressed to play. The new dad dressed the dog. The team goes into overdrive and starts scoring touchdowns at will.

Remember in the first movie when Larry fouled the dog? That was rude but not inhumane. Well, in this movie someone literally tackles Air Bud. Fortunately there is a vet in the house, he confirms that Air Bud is okay. This almost inspired Air Bud 3: Dog’s Not Dead.


What it looks like for someone to tackle a dog

The refs are playing hard and loose with the rules (again), beyond allowing a dog to play. The team go to their go to play on 4th down to win the game, B-52, the crossing pattern. Air Bud is alright and is cheering them on, which gives them confidence. The play is ridiculous and involves the wide receptor tackling his DB and then getting up to run 60 yards in 6 seconds. Meanwhile Josh is doing his best Troy Smith impression, dodging defenders in the backfield, and chucks it 60 yards even though he is in middle school. They win the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when the goofy kid wanted to score? and that is why he decided to join the football team? Well, after not acknowledging this subplot for the entire movie they bring it back. The girl he is after says he has potential, so that means he is on second base essentially, right? Also, I hope you know that there is a baseball air bud movie review coming.


An iconic shot

Fortunately this movie doesn’t end with a court room drama scene like the other one. The new dad was going to ride off into the sunset on his boat because Josh didn’t accept him, hes a good guy. But Josh gets his attention and they embrace because he did accept him at last. How sweet.

This is when the movie goes off the rails. The gang is at a Seahawks vs 49ers game and Josh says that Warren Moon should throw the ball to Joey Galloway on 3rd and 3. They throw the ball, but here comes Air Bud off the sideline. He runs onto the field and catches the ball. That is the end, roll credits. Fuck you.

This sequel to Air Bud is a step down in almost every way. The realism is lost because Air Bud is playing the sport throughout most of the season (to no protest by other teams), and is playing a sport that would be harder for a dog to play. The ball had to be severely deflated for Air Bud to grip it with his mouth. The cinematography is bonkers as well, they don’t have a consistent style throughout the film. However, it does touch on some serious issues, such as the perspective of a son dealing with this loss of his father and a new man coming in to his mother’s life. Fortunately this HAS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE IN A MOVIE LIKE HOLY CRAP THIS ISN’T OVERDONE AT ALL. 

34/100 It is not the worst film on earth, it just falls into being a cliche tornado. 

Death Count 3


The guy giving the kiss has dementia, no joke

Fun things…

I theorize the kid is from Oregon initially because he has a Blazers picture in his locker despite living in Supersonics territory.

Everyone in this town loves vanilla pudding, even the vet is eating it while treating dogs.

The coach is always eating, except in one scene.

I might write an air bud porn screenplay when I’m done with these movies.

Previous review: Air Bud

Next review: Air Bud: World Pup

Cigarette Rewiew #1

Brand: Camel

Style: Turkish Royal

Source: The ground

Source: Getty Images

Soutce: Getty Images

Anything from Turkey is exotic (and while we’re at it, erotic?) and exotic is good. This is reinforced by the smooth flavor and warm buzz. From sitting on the beach, to taking a fall stroll, these smokes are perfect for any occasion. If you only smoke a little bit you probably won’t even get cancer! That’s the Turkish Garuntee! This paticular blend is a 2017 apartment porch aged pre-smoked filtered. This is the best vintage for the price!

“Everytime I come across one of these gems I pick it up and run to the nearest liqour store to steal a lighter.” -Roger Ebert

4.3 out of 5 stars