Beer Review #64: Revolution Brewing Juke-Box Hero Black IPA


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I’ve been trying to get into stand-up comedy, but because I’m Black everyone expects me to tell jokes about the differences between races (I prefer half-marathons) and what it’s like to grow up in the ghetto (I’ve never been to Poland). My jokes are about catamarans, Blues Traveler, and being a great perimeter player in the NBA.

I really don’t have a lot in common with the Black community other than the fact that I’m a delinquent father, but that has little to do with me being Black and everything to do with my child being a disappointment. I’ve seen “Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2” enough times to know what this kid should be capable of. Now I know why they call it “Down’s Syndrome”; because it’s definitely given me the blues.

Cheer me up on Facebook and Twitter. Here’s the beer review.

Juke-Box Hero Black IPA

Juke-Box Hero Black IPA

Appearance: Effervescent. When the bottle opened it let out a great hiss and as I poured I could feel bubbles coming off of the stream. It foams up quite quickly, the head being colored like a spring breaker after half an hour on the beach and under the sun. He head is thin, but bulky and it dissipates into a mire of small bubbles.

It’s as black as one would hope a black IPA would be, but when held to the light it takes on the red of a freshly made brick or an old barn; it’s carmine.

Smell: Pine needles on a campfire. The first cut into an orange. Sweet malt.

Taste: On the thin side of a medium body and very crisp and bitter. It’s got all of the hops of an IPA, but there is a subtle sweetness from the dark roasted malt. There’s something that reminds me of burnt coffee in the aftertaste, but I can live with that. I was hoping for some of that orange aroma to come through.

Overall: Once again Revolution pleases me with their fantastic graphic design; the label looks great.

This could stand to be a bit sweeter, but, other than that this is a wholly enjoyable experience. Revolution is one of my favorite breweries and once again they’ve left me satisfied. As far as Black IPAs go, this was one of the best out there, but the Anti-Hero IPA, which they also produce, is still my go to from Revolution’s selection. Try this, let me know what you think. 81/100

Up Next: Great Lakes Chillwave

Beer Review #63: Avery Brewing White Rascal Belgian White


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Remember, you can always contact us by sending an e-mail to, like the Facebook Page, or follow the Twitter account. Here’s last months mail and the White Rascal review. (That e-mail address is only for suggestions for making the site better, requests for letters of recommendation, and tips on improving your life. If you want to suggest a beer for review just put it in any mailbox. I’ll find it.)

I’m going into high school next year and I’m afraid of showering after gym class. Any tips? – Gregg from Portland

Take a dump in the showers before every gym class. They won’t make you shower if there’s a log having a steam in there. Is it weird that at my high school we took baths?

UR STUPID – Anonymous

Yeah? Yeah…

I love beer, but I’m trying to cut out some calories. Any tips? – Jessica from LA

I guess you could drink light beer. They usually have around 100 calories so you can drink 20 of those in a day and be fine. Or just switch to whiskey and diet coke.

If you could have sex with any literary character who would it be and why? – Carlos for Texas

The Joy Luck Club. Mothers or daughters, I don’t really care; I just want to learn how to play mahjong and eat dumplings afterwards.

New mail is posted in the first review of a new month. If you want your question answered please include a name and location. feel free to lie. I do it all the time and look at me! Here’s the Avery Brewing White Rascal review.

Avery Brewing White Rascal

Avery Brewing White Rascal

Appearance: I don’t try enough Belgian Whites. This beer is an apparition of some kind, with it’s ghostly haze and unsettling pale straw color with a fair amount of carbonation. The head is just ever so off-white and only exists as a thin halo along the edges of the glass.

Smell: Citrus and spice. A kick of toasted wheat near the end. Fun, playful, and provocative.

Taste: Noticeably dry and medium-bodied. Lemon, freshly ground peppercorns, A good deal of wheat. The flavors are a bit more muted than I’d care for though. The taste is there, but you have to hunt for it a lot more than my lazy bones would care to do. The aroma is bright and strong, but it just doesn’t carry over.

Overall: This was good, but nothing about it was particularly special. I could definitely go to it for a session, or if I wanted to cool off under the sun, but it’s not that special beer that you turn to when you need to relax. 69/100. I just couldn’t give it the 70 and I’m told that 69 is a funny number.

Up Next: Revolution Brewing Juke-Box Hero Black IPA

Beer Review #62: Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier


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I was banned from my local Subway sandwich shop. I’ll attempt to recreate a transcript of the events and perhaps someone can explain to me where things went wrong.

Subway Employee: <just blankly staring at me, the only customer in the store>

Me: So, uhhh. How ’bout those sandwiches? Looks like you’ve got some bread back there. Let’s cut open some Italian Herbs and Cheese and get a foot long oven-roasted chicken breast going.

Subway Employee: <cuts wrong bread> What sandwich did you want?

Me: Apparently chicken breast on wheat. Throw on some provolone and we’ll call it even.

Subway Employee: Would you like it toasted?

Me:  Of course I want it toasted. I’m not an animal.

Subway Employee: <buries hand in lettuce> Any veggies?

Me: If I wanted lettuce scraps I’d go back to Africa. Let’s do a thin layer of spinach and some tomatoes.

Me: Why in god’s name would you think it’s appropriate to put six tomatoes on a foot long sub? And why do you only have the end pieces? Let’s do another dusting of tomatoes.

Me: Okay, let’s try some pickles. So we’re doing this again? You keep putting pickles on this sandwich until I hear you scraping the bottom of the bin.

Me: Banana peppers and for the love of god if you put just six on there I will make you watch me flush this sandwich down the toilet.

Me: I’d like some onions.

Me: Alright. We’ve had a rocky relationship, but I think we can make it if you get this right. I want some of the sweet onion sauce. I want to be able to hold this sandwich. You decide the appropriate amount.

Subway Worker: <unscrews lid to sauce and dumps it on.>

Me: I’m going to use all of my future birthday wishes on you getting cancer.

Remember to follow me on Twitter. I will do whatever you want if you follow me on Twitter. There’s a Facebook page too. Vandalize it. Get updates. Whatever. Here’s the review.

Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier

Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier

Appearance: Pretty clear for a hefeweizen. The head is thick and clingy, dropping gorgeous laces down the side of the glass. The beer itself, pale straw with little by way of carbonation. Not particularly remarkable, but it maintains a certain indescribable allure. I’d try to describe it, but then I couldn’t really call it indescribable.

Smell: Like the rolled up sleeves of an angsty teen, this beer is full of cloves. Lots of spiceyness, a bit of honey, and the tiniest bit of tropical fruit. There’s some wheat in there too.

Taste: It hits the palate very gently. A sharp sting of carbonation falls to that wonderful spiciness that defined the aroma. Banana is pronounced, and pairs well with a tame wheat taste. It’s got a nice creaminess and yet somehow remains crisp. A lingering carbonation keeps the taste buds stimulated while the wheat in the aftertaste takes you home. This was a master class in mouthfeel.

Overall: This was a very enjoyable experience. Wheat beers are a weakness, and this delivered. I honestly prefer the Franzikaner Weissbeer from my very first review, but this is still a great time. Weinhenstephaner is the oldest brewery in the world, and with this kind of product I can understand why they’ve been able to stay open so long. 85/100.

Up Next: Avery Brewing White Rascal

Beer Review #61: Revolution Brewing Anti-Hero IPA


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New month. New mail.

What’s the drunkest you’ve ever been? – Greg, Ohio

I once blacked out and woke up under six inches of fresh snow.

Where can I meet mature singles in my area? – Peter, Chicago

Just crack open any local coffin.

I’m not so fresh down there. Any tips? – Laura, Pottsville, PA

Fill the cavity with baking soda and red food coloring. Top it off with a little vinegar for an exciting, volcano-like, reaction!

Remember, you can always send us an e-mail, like the Facebook Page, or follow the Twitter account. Here’s our review of Revolution’s Anti-Hero IPA.

Revolution Anti-Hero

Revolution Anti-Hero

Appearance: Wow, just wow. All IPAs should aspire to this. The head is strong, pillowy, and perfectly white. The beer’s nut brown color is a perfect complement to the gentle carbonation and alluring haziness. This is a real beer; something that you’d never be ashamed to be seen with

Smell: Big grapefruit up front. After that, it’s like walking through a forest in the fall. Maybe some hard, tropical fruit and some sort of herb.

Taste: Never in a million years has something so bitter been so good. If one is looking for a lesson in balance then I’ve found your teacher.

A strong, punch-to-the-face of bitterness gives way to a citrus and malt sweetness. The hops coat the mouth and stay on the tongue long after drinking. The aroma has carried over in a great, and refreshing, way. All of this is carried by a respectable, medium body that is more than capable of supporting that strong taste while keeping the beer clean and refreshing.

Overall: I couldn’t be much happier with this beer. I hate giving out scores above 90, but to give this less than a solid 90/100 would be a slight to Dionysus. This is everything that I want out of an IPA. After having so many stinkers, this was like soaking up the rays on a tropical beach. And, as always, I’m a fool for graphic design and any microbrew in a can so it gets some bonus points. It only lost out a little because the grapefruit can be a bit much at times.

Up Next: Something to summon an early Spring. A nice hefeweizen perhaps.

Beer Review #60: Estrella Damm Daura


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I feel like I should tell you all a little about myself just so you have some idea of what sort of degenerate is maintaining this awful website. Here are some fun facts about me:

  • I’m on the Astronaut Diet: I eat nothing but Dippin’ Dots and Moon Pies.
  • I prefer Critters to Gremlins.
  • I’ve dumped a girl for not liking the song “Motown Philly“.
  • I write most of these reviews while drunk.
  • I stole the cookie from  the cookie jar.
  • Everything that I know about classic literature I learned from a Jack Russel Terrier named Wishbone.

Remember to check us out on Facebook and Twitter for updates and terrible jokes. If you share and like this over the various social media platforms I get to look at the page stats without shaking my head and switching over to whiskey for the rest of the day. Here’s the review.

Estrella Damm Daura

Estrella Damm Daura

Appearance: I’m not a great fan of pale lagers, but this is one of the finest specimens that I’ve seen in a long while. The head alone would give this a perfect score on appearance. Strong, foamy, long-lasting and it laces wonderfully down the glass. I can only imagine that this is fueled by the energetic carbonation that’s tame enough to not be distracting.

The beer itself has a fine color that lies somewhere between freshly cut straw and the hair of the blonde at the end of the bar. Perfect.

Smell: A bit muted. Sweet corn, grass, and a touch of hops. I’m getting something fruity, but I can’t place it. Seems a bit off.

Taste: A bit of a let down, really. The mouthfeel is fine; crisp, with a slightly-less-than-medium body. The actual taste is lacking in power and feels very generic. The sweet corn comes through in a nice way, but not much else does.

I’d love to taste those hops, to get a bit of bitterness, to get something in the way of an aftertaste, but there’s not a lot going on here. Very boring.

Overall: Appearances count for a lot with me, but taste is king when it comes to rating these beers. I’d normally give this a much lower score, but it scores a lot of aesthetic points. 68/100.

Up Next: A nice IPA. I’ve already had it, so I know it’s good.

Beer Review #59: Dieselpunk Porter


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I don’t really believe in anything supernatural. I mean, I used every birthday wish from 1995 to 2001 on clearing up the New York skyline, but that was probably just a coincidence. I think that coincidence is probably responsible for most accounts

I woke up this morning, from a very pleasant dream about the film Se7en, to the sounds of my cat, General Robert E. Flea, having a nightmare; this almost always happens if we have Italian the night before so I expected this. I gently picked him up and began rubbing the small of his back, the way a mother would encourage an infant to burp.

At that very moment I noticed that my Victorian sleeping garments were covered in some sort of chlorine-scented ectoplasm, centered mostly around the region of my urinary meatus. It has a salty taste, reminiscent of the “mystery milk” that my grandfather weaned me on as an adolescent. He’s been dead for over a decade though.

If you have experience with these sorts of hauntings please contact me immediately. I really want to get the recipe from that ghost. Here’s a Dieselpunk Porter review. 

Dieselpunk Porter

Dieselpunk Porter

Appearance: A dark, cola-like black that takes on a deep ruby color when held to the light. The head is full of energy and explodes in size, quickly trickling down to almost nothing. It’s quick to reform after a good swirl and does lace fairly well.

Smell: Weak and sweet. There’s a very noticeable presence of freshly mowed grass and hops. You can also smell the alcohol coming off of it.

Taste: Christ Almighty! That is not what I expected. I’m a fool for a good porter so I typically know what I’m getting in to when I get a new one to try. This drinks more like a Black IPA than a porter.

Bitterness takes to the main stage here, backed up by a subtle, lingering, maple-like sweetness and strong carbonation. It’s quite crisp, which is unexpected given its slightly-thicker-than-medium body. Its seriously lacking in the traditional porter tastes though.

Overall: If this was labeled as a Black IPA I’d happily give it somewhere between an 80 to 85. As a porter though, it gets a 71. This is a decent beer, one that wouldn’t be bad in the right situation, but it’s not what was promised. I’m giving bonus points for the graphic design on the bottle too. I shouldn’t, but it is a pretty bottle.

Up Next: Probably something awful.

Beer Review #58: Busch Light


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Let’s respond to some e-mail!

Who are you and what is this awful website? – Tom from Ohio

I’m sure you can tell from the sound of my voice that I’m friends with a lot of ghosts and they are going to get you.

Have you ever knowingly had sex with anyone that has HIV, the virus that causes AIDS? – Irene from New York

No, but I once sat on an exercise bike that had been used by Magic Johnson.

Would you like to do a guest review on my site? – Joe from the UK

Only if I can review the Princess Diana autopsy.

On to the review. Here’s the final part of the terrible beer trilogy. I hate this damn website because I can’t enjoy crappy beer anymore. I don’t have Hopslam money dammit.

Also, send beer suggestions and follow me on Twitter and Facebook already. If you don’t those ghosts will get you too.

Busch Light - At least they knew how to spell 'light'.

Busch Light – At least they knew how to spell ‘light’.

Appearance: I’ll start by saying that the head is totally non-existent here. It was there, then it immediately wasn’t; I got robbed. Very clear with a low, but steady, amount of carbonation and an incredibly pale straw color. I’m not sure how anyone would be excited if they were given this glass of “beer”.

Smell: Sweet corn. Disappointment.

Taste: Watery, lacking almost any discernible taste. If you told me that this was carbonated water I would believe you. Don’t worry, there’s no aftertaste either.

Overall: You know how they say everyone’s life changed on 9/11, that we all suddenly saw everything in a new light. This beer was my personal 9/11, but in a bad way. 12/100. This punishment has got to stop.

Up Next: Something good. Maybe a nice porter to warm me up.

Beer Review #57: Miller Lite


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Some Late, Year-End Lists

Films of 2013
5. Iron Man 3
4. Now You See Me
3. This is the End
2. Dallas Buyers Club
1. The Wolf of Wall Street

2013 Egg Preparations
5. Soft-Boiled
4. Shirred
3. Over Easy
2. Poached
1. Basted

Best Things About the New Pope
5. Not overtly evil
4. Relaxing, turtle-like appearance
3. Smells of lilac
2. Girth
1. Unaccounted for during the Natalie Wood incident

Worst Things About the 90s
5. The Green Power Ranger
4. Perfection
3. The Spice Girls
2. The Phantom Menace
1. The Shrine of the Silver Monkey

If you have any suggestions for future lists just e-mail . I promise nothing. Beer review time…


Appearance: As clear as the eyes of someone that has a drug test at the end of the week and colored like the phlegm of a twenty-year smoker. All that aside, this beer actually looks impressive: a good frothy head slowly falls into a hazy crown on top of a slow bubbling elixir. The carbonation here is truly mesmerizing in how constant, slow, and uniform it seems. Color aside, this is top-notch for an American pale lager.

Smell: Strong cereal grain and sugar. Not particularly what I’d ever be looking for.

Taste: Very watery with regards to mouthfeel and taste; I’m immediately put off by that. It’s so thin-bodied that it’s impossible to enjoy. It tastes sweet, but I’m not sure what kind of sweetness it is; very artificial. There’s a faint biscuit-like taste that could be nice, but even with the watery disposition of this beer that taste doesn’t carry very well. There is no aftertaste.

Overall: A good beer should be about balance. Bitter is not always bad and there is such a thing as too sweet. This beer just lacks substance. I will say that I was shocked by how nice it looked and I’m equally impressed with the lacing. A beer can’t live on that alone though. 41/100.

Up Next: Busch Light (The pain train continues!)

Beer Review #56: Bud Light


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Corporate has set us up with a very complicated e-mail system in order to make it easier for you all to contact us. For instance, to contact the help line just send an e-mail to . Tips on the 9/11 conspiracy go to . Other e-mail addresses of note include the following (add to the end of these):

Recommendations – Letters of recommendation.

Beer – the Rip Torn movie Beer.

xXxThisIsABeerSuggestionxXX1987 – Beer recommendations.

Teens – For kids that want to get into alcohol.

Moms – For pictures of classy older women.

Dads – Various long-legged spiders.

HotDogs – Erotic canine watercolors.

HotDogz – genitalia in buns.

Shenanigrams – For a shenanigram.

CraigJamesKilledFiveGirls – For crime tips

Snow – If you have drugs.

On to the review. I’ve taken care of Budweiser, Bud Select, and three weird Budweiser experiments. Let’s take down the big boy…



Appearance: This looks like a witch cursed a cauldron of diabetic piss, causing it to bubble up uncontrollably. It is super clear and can’t retain it’s thin, white head. The bubbles are getting to me. It’s like goldenrod Sprite.

Smell: Shockingly pleasant. A gentle sweet corn along with a bit of dry stone fruit. There’s definitely a hops smell, but it’s very underdeveloped. All things considered, this is better than what I expected out of a light pale lager.

Taste: Very crisp, but not much else. The flavors are near non-existent as soon as it hits the tongue, but there is a lingering sweetness. A little metal, which is definitely a first. I take all of this back, there is no flavor. It’s just really crisp sugar water.

Overall: Wow, that smell caught me off guard. Everything else was as expected. 30/100 is generous, but I did enjoy the smell a lot more than I expected. I think I’m going to continue this series of reviewing terrible beer for a bit. This was awful, and I prefer to feel bad.

Up Next: Miller High Life Light.


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